Becoming resentful over bedtime

[sunshine080]

It's taking me an hour from the point I'm getting my son (14m) into bed until he goes to sleep, and it's really getting me down because I am so drained by the end of it that I mostly end up going to bed shortly after myself.

We cosleep (please do not suggest otherwise, this is our sleeping arrangement for the time being and it's not flexible), and I would say I feed to sleep, which would work for me if it actually worked anymore, but it doesn't.

We have the same bedtime routine: teeth, bath, PJs, story. He knows it's bedtime, the sleepy cues increase, he starts nuzzling into me, etc. The second he hears the white noise he starts making his sleepy whinging noise. The room is as dark as I can possibly make it.

I feed him, he usually appears to fall asleep momentarily, and then all of a sudden starts playing with his feet, rolls onto his front (whilst still latched) and then stands up and starts bouncing against the bed rails and shouting, rolling around d being silly, etc.

We've recently dropped from 2 naps to 1, meaning his last wake window has increased from 4.5 to sometimes almost 7 (depending on how long it takes for him to finally settle). He's only getting around 12.5 hours sleep in a 24 hour period so he his not undertired and the increase in his last wake window has done nothing to ease him settling. We've had family over today, he's been running around the garden and park all afternoon and still it's taken an hour.

I really am getting resentful of this now. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to get him to just chill out for bedtime?

I'm not sure you can make the time shorter but do you have to be there - if he's safe can you not just leave him to get on with it at this age?

I have to be there because although there are bed rails to stop him rolling out of bed, he could still topple over them when standing or go off the bottom of the bed when messing around.

I don't encourage him though. I will mostly lie quietly and cuddle him if he comes over to me, but otherwise he's not trying to play with me he's just throwing himself all over the bed. It makes no difference if I ignore him or tell him to stop (which I usually end up doing after about 30 minutes) except for him getting upset after the latter.

He's very obviously tired though and I know toddlers get hyperactive when they're tired but I have zero way of getting him into a relaxed state (that he'll stay in) anymore.

Have you tried an earlier bedtime? Mine was the same when he went from 2 naps to 1, had to get him down for bed by 6 ish or bedtime was a nightmare

Keep him up a bit later, he's obviously not ready for sleep and would be happier downstairs with you.

Yes. The earlier it is, the worse it is (maybe because it's still light out even though we have blackout blinds/curtains in the bedroom). If I put him down before 8 not only does it take an hour to get to sleep, he then wakes after an hour and is full blown awake as if it's a nap.

Two things about this.....

1. I've extended his last wake window by 2 hours in the space of around 6 weeks. I really don't think it's that he's not been awake long enough...

2. Because when he's not in bed, he's clumsy, he gets upset at everything, he isn't interested in playing because he's tired and doesn't know what he wants.

Before he gets into bed, it's like he's overtired. But then as soon as we're in bed, it's like I'm putting him there unreasonably early. It makes no sense to me and why I'm getting so frustrated.

I never understand threads that start "I have this big problem that I can't cope with anymore and it needs fixing. But at the same time, please don't tell me to change what I'm doing, because I don't want to".

Your method has stopped working. So if you want bedtime to take less than an hour then you need to change things. If he wants to mess about at bedtime, then you need to just leave him to it - so it strikes me that your problem is he isn't safe to be left on your bed. I would therefore put him in a cot and leave him to muck about. If you still want him in your room, then that's fine, just put the cot next to your bed, and if he wakes in the night then just bring him straight in with you and co-sleep from there. That should deal with your bedtime issue yet still maintain an element of co-sleeping you clearly have want.

I remember this. It’s awful. You have to find a way to leave the room. You’re the distraction.

Yes, I agree with this. You’re expecting things to change without changing anything. If you co-sleep, then that’s the way it is - there are benefits and negatives. You need to work out what you want to happen and then adjust accordingly.

What about putting him to bed in a bedside cot in your room and then moving into your bed if he wakes in the night?

Agree completely.

There is literally nothing we can do to help the situation resolve unless you are willing to admit the set up you had no longer works. Yes its shit as you like co-sleeping but sharing a bed whilst he falls to sleep is no longer working so you need to find a new strategy that does work.

If the problem is him thinking it's all a great laugh to mess about and do anything but lie down and go to sleep then put him in a cot and leave him to it. Then when you go to bed you can co sleep but he wont suddenly stop unless something changes.

He's only 14 months, whilst routines are beneficial it's still not the case that most will go to sleep on cue. It's not surprising you are starting to find bedtimes hard going though, it sounds crap I would hate it too. I know you don't want suggestions but settling in a cot by the bed and bringing him into your bed if be stirs in the night would probably help. Co sleeping as is evidently isn't working if you're starting to feel resentful towards a 14 month old being a 14 month old.

You've accused me of being unwilling to make changes. Perhaps you've read a different OP that says "I've been doing the same thing since day dot and it's not working". For reiteration:

• I went from 2 naps to 1 in case he was getting too much day time sleep/not enough time awake before bed
• I tried bringing bedtime forward and it resulted in false starts
• I put him to bed later as it is, too late in fact according to the majority

So that's hardly reasonable to suggest I'm not prepared to try anything I'm capable of. As for leaving him, I don't have a cot or a safe place to leave him alone right now. I'm not willing to go into the circumstances surrounding why and if that's where your criticism lies around our sleeping arrangements then that's your prerogative as I have no other choice at the moment.

I'm a big fan of co-sleeping. It worked great for me..... until it didn't. Exact same thing - endless pissing about at bedtime, I was anxious about him falling out the bed etc. So I'm afraid this was when we did introduce a cot. I would still stay with him while he fell asleep, but I'd lie on the floor with my phone hidden under the cot so he thought I was just lying there being still and boring. Sometimes he would get a bit upset just before he finally surrendered to sleep, but I had to just shush or sing, or stroke his hand through the bars - if I stood up to give him a cuddle or to rub his back etc then he'd be straight up on his feet again, and we'd be back to square one!

It wasn't an instant fix, but it made those 30 minutes bearable for me. And when he woke in the night, I still brought him into bed with me.

I bet he would stop messing if you weren't there.

I've just seen your post re having no cot. Is it possible to put a mattress on the floor to make a safer sleeping space so you can at least relax a bit while he falls asleep? That utter desperation for a baby to fall asleep is soul destroying, I know!

My babies are a week off 14 months and clearly going through a sleep regression. There’s been a lot of dicking about at bed time for the last few days. I’ve just been leaving them in their cots and going in when one of them either calls out for me or starts really crying (as opposed to just moaning). It’s annoying but I’m getting an evening in between visits to their bedroom. Is there any logistically way that you can leave him?

Travel cot or something? At that age OP they start to run through what they've learnt that day at night, this can be relentless rolling (or trying to), 'chatting' away to themselves or whatever else. Its doubtful he's purposefully messing you around but similarly if you won't leave him alone to crack on with it somewhere safe then you'll have to carry on enduring it and getting annoyed by it. Please don't resent your child though, a lot is developmental.

It was around a year old that DS just needed his own sleep space and no stimulation (in the form of breastfeeding) to fall asleep. We transitioned to a cot in our room so we were still right there and so we could still soothe him overnight if required. I stayed with him when he was falling asleep but just put a hand on his back. Sorry, it’s rubbish when things stop working, but might be worth considering.

Sorry, posted that before I saw you don’t have a cot. Maybe keep him in your bed then but try weaning from feeding to sleep? It might not help…but equally if feeding to sleep isn’t currently working then no harm lost I suppose.

I feel your pain op! No advice but sending solidarity, my 22mo is fed to sleep and co sleeps. We go through phases where she takes over an hour to fall asleep and it’s so hard. Then one night she’ll be asleep at half 7 and I’ll be trying to work out what I did differently that day! I do think that it is linked to developmental leaps as well as when she’s poorly, but sometimes it seems like there’s no reason! It’s so so hard and it sounds like you are doing amazing, I hope this phase passes soon for you.

When were you thinking about him in his own room? One day or no day? Why not tomorrow?
If you want sleep something has to give....
Ime babies need sleep too! And it doesn't sound like anyone is tonight!

Get a travel cot off FB marketplace and leave the room. Go back in at intervals if he's really crying.

No judgement here, I've been through the same and it really is the only solution.

Now she just whinges for two minutes when I leave and then passes out.

If you co-sleep with just a bed-rail for safety then you can't expect to leave him alone at all really. You need to go to bed at the same time or make downstairs conducive to sleep until you are ready to go up yourself. If you have a partner could they try bedtimes for a while and delay the feed until you go to bed?
Just trying to think how we coped with our own chaotic bed-sharing with 3 dds 30 years ago!
Hope you find a solution soon.

I had a friend who coslept and fed to sleep. She hated the bedtime Rigamarole so much that she let the child stay up until he fell asleep when she transferred to bed. I guess there won’t be parenting books written about it, but it worked for them. On the odd occasion he didn’t fall asleep, she took him to bed when she went.

I was very lucky with mine as I sung him to sleep from birth whilst cuddling on my lap. Asleep before I finished the first sentence every time! Still worked until he was 4 yo- some kind of conditioning I suppose. I had no idea how lucky I was.

The only other thing to say is although it feels insurmountable now, I found no baby/toddler phase lasted long. This will resolve itself.