Becoming resentful over bedtime

[sunshine080]

It's taking me an hour from the point I'm getting my son (14m) into bed until he goes to sleep, and it's really getting me down because I am so drained by the end of it that I mostly end up going to bed shortly after myself.

We cosleep (please do not suggest otherwise, this is our sleeping arrangement for the time being and it's not flexible), and I would say I feed to sleep, which would work for me if it actually worked anymore, but it doesn't.

We have the same bedtime routine: teeth, bath, PJs, story. He knows it's bedtime, the sleepy cues increase, he starts nuzzling into me, etc. The second he hears the white noise he starts making his sleepy whinging noise. The room is as dark as I can possibly make it.

I feed him, he usually appears to fall asleep momentarily, and then all of a sudden starts playing with his feet, rolls onto his front (whilst still latched) and then stands up and starts bouncing against the bed rails and shouting, rolling around d being silly, etc.

We've recently dropped from 2 naps to 1, meaning his last wake window has increased from 4.5 to sometimes almost 7 (depending on how long it takes for him to finally settle). He's only getting around 12.5 hours sleep in a 24 hour period so he his not undertired and the increase in his last wake window has done nothing to ease him settling. We've had family over today, he's been running around the garden and park all afternoon and still it's taken an hour.

I really am getting resentful of this now. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to get him to just chill out for bedtime?

Sickofchanging....: "I had a friend who coslept...... She hated the bedtime Rigamarole so much that she let the child stay up until he fell asleep when she transferred to bed."

I did that or, more precisely, 'we', husband and I, did that with ours. It just made sense to us and it was nice all of us being together in the evening. I just don't 'get' all the bedtime routine malarky.

It's still taking an hour at 8 if I count how many times I ask her to put PJ's on, brush teeth etc. I had to lean into it eventually and listen to audiobooks on that period.

Yeah at around that age my daughter started really really struggling to fall asleep in bed next to me. She needed her own space, and was much more content sleeping in a cot. It also meant I got an evening back as I could leave her once she was asleep.

So fair enough if exclusively cosleeping is non-negotiable for you, but it's probably the cause of the issue, and that's why the other things you've tried have made no difference. So you may just need to accept that if you're determined that he's not getting his own sleep space then he may continue to struggle to sleep.

Quite a lot of anti-co-sleeping in this thread!

I coslept with mine till about 2 and a half. Worked for us. There were difficult times - 15 months was extremely tricky to get them to sleep. Just took aaaaaages. Its a phase, and I think it's linked to developmental leaps.

Things you could try:

• can the nap be a bit later? Perhaps you are hitting overtired as the awake window has increased so much.

• lots of activity and sunshine in the morning, but evenings more relaxed and dimly lit. At the moment I'm totally avoiding artificial lights until I've got the toddlers in bed as the light gradually getting dimmer in the evenings is a good cue. We do very calming things from 2 hours before bedtime if possible.

• consider food. Some people reckon some foods help you feel sleepy, while others ramp you up. Worth considering?

• do you pretend to go to sleep? I used to do that sometimes. I was still present for safety, but as boring as I could be!

Co sleeping does go through phases where you have to wait a long time for them to go to sleep. It's entirely up to you whether you feel that is worth it for your family/situation. You can make things very safe so you dont have to be paying attention - with my eldest (very wriggly) we had a massive floor bed. I'd often have a nap while I waited for her to drop off, she was totally safe.

I don’t think anyone is anti cosleeping, just worth pointing out having a cot might be helpful at this stage. No one co sleeps forever and I question whether a child who is mobile but is too young to understand consequences should be left in a bed. Having a cot in the room or a floor bed, for that early evening when you are downstairs wouldn’t prevent cosleeping once you go up to bed.

It's a huge pain, they all go through it at this age IME. I've coslept/fed to sleep with three babies and they've all been like this. It's like a massive developmental shift thing.

The only three options IME are:

Abandon bedtime after 15/20 mins if not working, take a break and try again. With DS3 we actually did this with DH coming in to play which seemed to help (me).

Just find a really good mobile game and Kindle book series and go with it.

Cot train with an eventual goal of leaving him to fall asleep on his own.Which can be done gently, but it's a pain and takes a while, which is why most people do the rip off the plaster route. (Sleep training) You don't have to stop cosleeping entirely, I used to have them sleep in the cot until our bedtime (feed to sleep then put down) and then if they woke after that, bring them in with me until I was ready to commit to cot sleeping at night too.

The only indirect things which made a difference for us:

Ensure toddler is getting enough attention in the day
Enough fresh air/physical exercise (DH has been doing a just before bed walk the last few days).
No napping after 3pm, preferably not after 2.

Even with all of these hit it doesn't always prevent it.

I had exactly the same problem with DS2 recently, he's a month older than your little boy. We also co sleep and feed to sleep and have gone down to one nap, it was a nightmare with all the pissing down about BUT it only lasted a few weeks. He's now back to going straight to sleep (he's snoring away next to me right now!) as long as he's up from his nap by 1 and not had any danger naps in the car.