Toddler has no attachment to me

[SaulGoodman1]

hey everyone,

Im probably worrying unnecessarily but looking for reassurance

My dc is 15 months and she isn’t attached to me and doesn’t show any preference towards me whatsoever.

All other mums I know have dc that show an obvious preference for them. They want their mums when upset, they want their mums attention primarily and want to cuddle their mum. They actively seek out mum over anyone else.

My dc isn’t like like this at all. She doesn’t seek me out over others or prefer me to anyone else. I’m basically equal to all others it seems. Should I be worried about this in regards to attachment and our bond?

my DP is 50/50 with me in terms of childcare, although I work 3 days and he works 5. Since being a newborn he did skin to skin with her, takes her out solo and basically is as involved as any mum would be. On Saturday and Sunday mornings he gets up at 7am with her as he’s an early bird and they go swimming or to the park whilst I have a lie in until they get back and we do something together.

I spend 4 full days with her when I’m not at work, two of those days solo during the day whilst DP is at work.

The 3 days I’m at work she’s with her grandparents who adore her. They are also very involved and also pop in for a coffee to see her sometimes during the 4 days.

I don’t know if this has an impact on attachment as she has so many hands on and involved adults?

An example, if I go to pick her up after work from grandparents she’ll carry on doing what she’s doing with grandparents. Not excited to see me. The same when she gets back from being out with DP or if I come home to her and DP. She’s not bothered.
If we’re all having tea, me, grandparents and DP, she’ll just go to the first available adult for whatever she wants, whether it’s comfort or food/drink etc. No preference for me or any other person.

Every other baby/child I know show obvious preference for mum. I feel I could disappear tomorrow and she wouldn’t even notice. Should I be worried?

She has a preference for you over a stranger? If so, it’s a bit sad maybe but I don’t think that sounds particularly unusual. My son (nearly 3) doesn’t really acknowledge me if he’s with his Grandad or Dad, who he’s very close to. Can you try to reframe it as a positive thing that he has so many wonderful relationships and so much love in his life ❤️

An example, if I go to pick her up after work from grandparents she’ll carry on doing what she’s doing with grandparents. Not excited to see me. The same when she gets back from being out with DP or if I come home to her and DP.

This is actually a great example of a secure attachment to you!

OP, DD1 was similar. I wonder if it was because I didn't get to do skin to skin on time/was pregnant when she was seven months/ like in your case, there were many caregivers. She is six now and I know she loves me. I notice when she is sick it's me she wants (probably the only time). I remember I used to get a side wave when I got in from work!

This!

@Daffodilsandbees lol no not a stranger thank goodness. If she doesn’t know someone she will cling to me/dad/grandparents whoever is nearest. But no preference to me over any other member of the family.

Me and DP have a lot of siblings too and so she has LOTS of cousins ranging from 18 months - 4years old. So a little gang of toddlers she sees a few days a week as well as aunties and uncles.
Again, she’ll continue playing whatever toys they are playing with when I come in the room. She’ll even sleep on whatever aunt/uncle/grandparents lap is closest to her. She wouldn’t seek me out to cuddle up and fall asleep on, she’d just go to the nearest adult relative.

I don’t know if this is normal and to be expected because she has so much close family or if I should worry about her lack of primary attachment?

I echo what pp said about secure attachment. She probably feels positively reassured that she has plenty of 1 on 1 time with each parent that she perhaps wouldn't need to feel this way. I would perhaps try to reframe your thinking a bit.

Thank you for your replies regarding secure attachment.

I do worry about it. I’ve never left her for a prolonged period of time like to go on a holiday or anything.

I combine bottle/breastfed and wore her in a sling to do housework in the early days.

However she has always had a lot of caregivers. DP has been hands on since the moment she was born. Grandparents were at the house and helping out from the first week she was home.

She never went through much separation anxiety. She did cry whenever we left the room but that was anyone who was with her not just me and it only lasted a few weeks. Now I can leave the room and do the dishes whilst she plays and she wouldn’t bat an eye.

I think every child is different and things can change (as I'm sure you've seen already!), week to week and month to month. I remember being worried my son showed no separation anxiety when all the other younger toddlers were bursting into tears when their mum went out of sight. He was similar to your dd and he was probably about your dd’s age when I was worrying. But at around 19/20 months, bam! It hit and he only wanted me for everything and it stayed that way until he was about 4!

So it may change as your dd gets a bit older. But even if it doesn't, she sounds very secure and very fortunate that she has this big village of people who she feels comfortable with. You will hold a special place in her heart, even if it's not always obvious from how she behaves.

Thanks,

I think I just worry because most other toddlers/babies seem very attached to their mums and want them for most things so it has made me worry she doesn’t see me as ‘mum’ and I could basically disappear and she’d happily carry on unbothered.

Sounds silly but I don’t feel particularly special to her! Everyone says about how their babies need their mums and nothing can compare in the early years, then there’s my baby who barely acknowledges me when I walk in the room and she’s playing!

@Aria2015 thank you so much for your reply! I feel so silly worrying about it, but I do worry that due to her big close family, she doesn’t need me and isn’t bothered about me as I am seemingly very replaceable!

You are right and they do change so quickly. She could just have an independent personality which is what DP thinks as that’s how he is.

It must have been very reassuring for you to know your dc did want mum above all else in the end, even if it became wearing!

I think it actually shows she has great secure attachments.

You say most others have preference to mum but truthfully most others may not have had the same level of caregivers in a the same way as your DD eg mum doing the lion share.

Your DD sounds like she had great attachments to her caregivers.

I absolutely get why you think of it like that but actually it’s a bit backwards: the fact she’s not clingy with you is a sign of just how secure your attachment is. It sounds like you’re all doing an amazing job of raising her.

One of my DC was like this (one of 4 DC). I noticed it and was concerned as it was so different to the way his siblings that been. He seemed to like me well enough but not respond to me as if I was different to anyone else!

He was generally not reactive to things though, very laid back all the time. He saw a paediatrician for assessment at 18 months as health visitor was concerned about autism and I was concerned too.

He isn’t autistic though. He is 10 and has developed perfectly well , and is very intelligent. He is still just really laid back though, often described as confident or “as cool as a cucumber” by his teachers 😄

He isn’t prone to strong emotions generally though and isn’t especially demonstrative or ever physically clingy in the way his siblings can sometimes be. He just has a naturally calm kind of approach to life.

He still takes me by surprise a little when he tells me he loves me or comes for a cuddle, because he only does it when he really feels it, not just out of habit. It’s just how he is, very self contained and naturally secure and and doesn’t get anxious or panicky about things or people. So I agree with the posters who say that your DD sounds secure.

My daughter is also 21 months and is exactly like you described. I think it might be because what PP said in that they have had equal care from both her dad and you.

i had a c section and didnt the have the strength to even change a nappy for the first week of her life so DH did it, he also works 4 days a week now and me 2.5 so also DD has a very equal relationship with us both.

Mine were like this op. Dd was exactly the same. Very happy to sit on anyone’s lap, not arsed if it was mine or grandparents. Now dd is a very confident and social 7 year old who will chat to anybody but if she’s upset or needs reassurance she comes to me.

When my child was little I think they were like this but I thought that was a good thing, I mean there was a normal bond but I thought as they were generally the same with everyone it was good

I was happy my child found comfort, was,happy to play or chat to or just be with everyone

This is a lovely example of your DD having several close, trusting relationships with adults in her life. It sounds like you've done a good job! One thing to bear in mind is that she will take your presence for granted, especially if you have sole care of her quite a lot (and on the back of presumably being the primary caregiver during maternity leave). You're just there, she assumes you will be, and in some ways that makes you less special lol. But no less important. She just trusts that you're there, which as pp have said is the sign of a secure attachment.

The fact that she clings to you around strangers is key here. It's not as if she's completely indiscriminate. But you're not the only person she has an attachment to and that's really healthy. The more close family relationships a child has the better! If she feels safe with several people, there's less pressure on you to be everything to her and it's so much better for everyone.

My DD (13 months) seems equally happy with either me or her dad, and either set of grandparents. In fact a few times when she's been with a grandparent and I've come to pick her up, or take her out of their arms, she cries and tries to go back!

This is normal and fine. This happens a lot when you have really involved dad, grandparents etc. if you start from first principles there really isn’t a reason why “mum” has to be more special than dad - let your inner feminist out!

it sounds lovely and like your DC is very lucky to have plenty of adults to love (including a lovely mum)

I think that's just some babies! Some are very independent and happy to run off, others much more clingy! Try not to worry about it, she knows who you are and loves you. You could have a second and them be a stage 5 clinger and you'll lament the loss of your ability to do ANYTHING when they won't accept DP for and night wake ups, scream when you put them down/leave room, won't play independently 😂

My eldest was like this, it used to really upset me and made me feel like a useless mum. But it started to change from about age 3 and now at 6 he's very affectionate to me and wants me much more. My second has had less one on one time with me as she attends nursery 3 days a week, everything else the same and she is super attached to me. So I really do think it depends on the child and changes over time, though I remember not really believing people when they said that to me at the time!

I wanted to add, my son was like this at this age. It upset me so much - he wouldn't acknowledge me when I picked him up from the childminder, he wouldn't let me hold him or cuddle him. I felt he hated me.

Something switched a few months later. He now gives a very excited 'MAMA!!!' when he sees me, and is full of cuddles for me.

My eldest was like this. Rarely over excited to see me. Perfectly happy and secure being left with grandparents/dad/aunt. Never showed any separation anxiety. What I did find was she was always grumpy and demanding the day after I had been at work all day, which I think is a sign she DID actually need me. She's now a young teen and we are v close.

My second was the opposite. Very mummy focused, hated being left, separation anxiety etc.

Both my DS's were like this and the reason I think is that they both spent lots of time with their dad as he was a teacher and was always there after school and in the holidays while I generally worked full time.

It did upset me slightly with DS1, however I soon came to realise how great it was for them and DH, and in fact me in the end!

Thank you all it’s very reassuring to read.
This morning when I dropped her off at her grandparents to head she work she went to her grandparents with open arms and didn’t give me a backwards glance!

It did sting for a second then I thought about this post and reread your replies in the car and feel reassured I’m not doing anything wrong. Thank you x

It does sting. I just had to keep reminding myself that my job is to love my child unconditionally, and I shouldn't expect anything back from it. It was difficult to shift my mindset to that, but it helped somewhat.

But, as I said, he's gone from this cold, unaffectionate character, to the most loving cuddly boy ever. It was almost overnight. Its the first time since he was born that I actually feel he loves me.

Hang in there x