Toddler has no attachment to me

[SaulGoodman1]

hey everyone,

Im probably worrying unnecessarily but looking for reassurance

My dc is 15 months and she isn’t attached to me and doesn’t show any preference towards me whatsoever.

All other mums I know have dc that show an obvious preference for them. They want their mums when upset, they want their mums attention primarily and want to cuddle their mum. They actively seek out mum over anyone else.

My dc isn’t like like this at all. She doesn’t seek me out over others or prefer me to anyone else. I’m basically equal to all others it seems. Should I be worried about this in regards to attachment and our bond?

my DP is 50/50 with me in terms of childcare, although I work 3 days and he works 5. Since being a newborn he did skin to skin with her, takes her out solo and basically is as involved as any mum would be. On Saturday and Sunday mornings he gets up at 7am with her as he’s an early bird and they go swimming or to the park whilst I have a lie in until they get back and we do something together.

I spend 4 full days with her when I’m not at work, two of those days solo during the day whilst DP is at work.

The 3 days I’m at work she’s with her grandparents who adore her. They are also very involved and also pop in for a coffee to see her sometimes during the 4 days.

I don’t know if this has an impact on attachment as she has so many hands on and involved adults?

An example, if I go to pick her up after work from grandparents she’ll carry on doing what she’s doing with grandparents. Not excited to see me. The same when she gets back from being out with DP or if I come home to her and DP. She’s not bothered.
If we’re all having tea, me, grandparents and DP, she’ll just go to the first available adult for whatever she wants, whether it’s comfort or food/drink etc. No preference for me or any other person.

Every other baby/child I know show obvious preference for mum. I feel I could disappear tomorrow and she wouldn’t even notice. Should I be worried?

The less the whining and pining for you, the stronger the attachment. She's secure in that she doesn't get stressed that you will leave her or be mean to her no matter her behaviour. My son is like this, he has the stronger attachment to me in comparison to his brother who cannot let me leave the room (I blame the sleep 'training' I did with him)

So you have a secure, confident child with strong attachments to her 4 main carers? Sounds ideal.

I'm a psychologist. It sounds like she has multiple loving attachment figures. Which is fantastic- no guilt for you when you're at work or doing a hobby. I see so many people complaining about being the 'default parent' I think you're probably in an extremely lucky situation

Every child is different. Professional generally only get concerned when babies cannot discriminate between their usual caregivers and strangers. I don't think there is anything concerning about your daughters behaviour. It sounds as she is very familiar with her dad and wider family.

ATerrorofLeftovers is right, your little one is displaying really secure attachment. She feels secure in the love she receives from all the adults in her life, a very lucky little girl.

My eldest was like this could charm the birds out of the trees from birth would go to anyone. He grew up and everyone was his friend. He's forty now and clients think he's wonderful. He's such a social butterfly but not big headed about it. I'm 3/4 Irish so we just say he's kissed the blarney stone.

@SaulGoodman1 be happy she's outgoing it will stand her in good stead

This all sounds very healthy OP. Your kid has been brought up to feel secure and comfortable with a lot of people, you included. This is very very positive.

hi, just wondering how your relationship is now? i have a 22 month old and im really struggling wit her rejection. i do get some cuddles from her and she will come to sit with me, but there is alot of NO, alot of asking for Dada, and she has started physically pushing me away. She screams if i try and do bedtime so i dont do that anymore and miss out on the cuddles, i dont get a look in if there are any grandparents around and i find the public rejection embarrassing so i dont really try with her. Its now got to the point where if her Dad is around, i cant get her dressed, put her shoes on, change her nappy or anything a caregiver does. I just sit and watch them all day. it breaks my heart as ive given up so much and given so much for her and im the last on her list. Me and her Dad actually split up when she was 8 weeks old and got back together when she was around 9 months so i even parented her by myself for all that time. I just really dont know how much longer i can take it, its really affecting my mental health as she has gotten progressively worse since she was around 1. This just is not what i expected when having a daughter and it doesnt seem like there is anything i can do.