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Original poster

FTM - Best friends wedding in South Africa - 10 week old - help!

53 replies

Londonrungirl · 01/06/2023 17:20

Hi everyone,

Just looking for some advice and reassurance that I’m not mad. Currently pregnant and my best friend is planning on getting married in South Africa next year. All being well the baby will be 10 weeks old assuming it’s born at 40 weeks.

Am I completely mad for considering going? I wouldn’t for the average friend but it’s a great friend who’s always been there for me. I know every baby is different and there are a load of scenarios that are impossible to predict: c section, reflux, really fussy baby.

I’m currently thinking that I’ll book flexible tickets and say that I will do my absolute best to be there (Husband would be there too so wouldn’t be alone) but as I’m bridesmaid I’m worried I’m going to get intertwined with the plans and it may be hard to back out nearer the time if I say yes initially.

Would just love some input really - we’d probably try and go for 10 days or so so it’s a bit more worth it and give ourselves time to acclimatise.

Really appreciate thoughts

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Whatelsecouldibecalled · 01/06/2023 21:27

I wouldn't. My first baby I was still a mess at 10 weeks. Still loosing lochia. Baby had reflux. I had extensive surgery for a 4th degree tear and a blood transfusion. You don't need that pressure. A good friend would understand

Whattodo112222 · 01/06/2023 21:40

Op. I wouldn't. I flew to Mauritius with a 4 month old and I found that incredibly tough.. the flight was awful as she screamed most of the way and didn't sleep.. you have so many variables to consider at 10 weeks old. I wouldn't put yourself under that pressure as a ftm especially.

Whattodo112222 · 01/06/2023 21:40

Op. I wouldn't. I flew to Mauritius with a 4 month old and I found that incredibly tough.. the flight was awful as she screamed most of the way and didn't sleep.. you have so many variables to consider at 10 weeks old. I wouldn't put yourself under that pressure as a ftm especially.

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JenniferBarkley · 01/06/2023 21:40

You couldn't have paid me at 10 weeks with my first. My sister's wedding was 2 hours away at 12 weeks in a heatwave and that was bad enough.

My second baby was a much sunnier creature and it would've been logistically easier with her. I still don't think I would have wanted to though.

Original poster
Londonrungirl · 01/06/2023 22:10

I hear you all - thank you. I had some doubts in the back of my mind hence the post but this has surfaced a lot and can’t say it’s done anything to convince me it’s a good idea.

I can deal with some of the uncertainties around sleep and how I’m feeling but definitely concerned by safety including water, electricity and lack of jabs.

I hate to disappoint people so will need to spend some time thinking about how to manage it but as a few of you have said good friends will understand.

OP posts:
suburbophobe · 01/06/2023 22:14

Don't go. You will want to be at home with your baby.

(South) Africa is great. But not with a baby.

You'll have plenty of chances as she gets older.

gogohmm · 01/06/2023 22:17

I flew with my dd at 7 weeks long haul and it was fine, far easier than when she was older

RedRobyn2021 · 01/06/2023 22:21

Personally, I absolutely would not go.

SavBlancTonight · 01/06/2023 22:33

I have travelled to SA with my dc at 7 months, 8 weeks, and 18 months respectively. 8 weeks was actually the easiest. They are super small and so the flight was just her feeding or sleeping on me mostly.

The power cuts are definitely more of an issue. If tou are staying at a resort or hotel they will likely have generators however. Self catering or a friends house can be more iffy and will depend on the family.

As long as your baby has all her shots that would be expected by 10 weeks, I wouldn't worry about that. Ask your midwife about TB - in Sa it is given at birth and it takes a few weeks to kick in. Our NHS trust gives it to children travelling to.countries like SA so dd got hers at 4 weeks but if I had known, she could have had it earlier.

Having said all that, when we went we only booked the flight after dd was born when I knew we could cope. Is that an option for.you? And definitely don't be a bridesmaid. That's crazy, even if the wedding was here.

Tinkeytonkoldfruit · 01/06/2023 22:34

I was just looking back at photos of when my DD was 10 weeks old and remembering how fucking exhausted I was. I went for a day trip to London from the West Midlands and it was hard work. At 8 weeks (which you might be, absolutely not) it took me and her about 6 weeks to properly establish breastfeeding and feel comfortable doing it outside of the home.

dreamcatchmee · 01/06/2023 22:42

Personally, I wouldn't. I'm sure your friends will understand if you choose not to go. All the best with your pregnancy ❤️

Theduchy · 01/06/2023 22:51

Midnightpony · 01/06/2023 21:09

I wouldn't.
Also keep in mind that the pressure you put on yourself to go/be ready etc might spoil your first few months with the baby.

I travelled 3 hours in the car to spend Christmas with family when baby was that age. The car was jam packed, it was really stressful, I was really anxious and sensitive. And the birth and baby were fine.

I really wouldn't go if I were you

I was just about to say just that. That's an enormous amount of pressure to put on yourself when you aren't sleeping, trying to establish feeding etc. Honestly my brain was mashed and that would have been completely overwhelming for me. I would certainly decline being a bridesmaid. You will not want to be front and centre in a dress that's not of your choosing (if you're breastfeeding especially).

tennissquare · 01/06/2023 22:56

I would use the passport as an excuse, if the baby is late and there is a complication to keep you in hospital there is no guarantee you will get the passport sorted etc.

The whole trip will put so much pressure on you when you should be focusing on the baby etc.

Midnightpony · 01/06/2023 22:58

Londonrungirl · 01/06/2023 22:10

I hear you all - thank you. I had some doubts in the back of my mind hence the post but this has surfaced a lot and can’t say it’s done anything to convince me it’s a good idea.

I can deal with some of the uncertainties around sleep and how I’m feeling but definitely concerned by safety including water, electricity and lack of jabs.

I hate to disappoint people so will need to spend some time thinking about how to manage it but as a few of you have said good friends will understand.

When you say no to something you say yes to something else
So, no to the wedding, yes to a relaxed 4th trimester with your baby

In relation to disappointing people: the bride, if she's annoyed at all, should get over it in about 10 minutes.
Also, you are now a parent and have to put your small baby and your recovery first. You are no longer free to please everyone else

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 01/06/2023 23:02

I think I'd only seriously consider it if there was a proper reason as to why the wedding was in SA. if it was her dh hometown, for example, it makes sense, it's not a destination wedding then. But if they've picked it for just "his folks have a holiday home there" then no. I wouldn't break my back trying to get there.

doubleshift · 01/06/2023 23:09

No no no. It's hideously dysfunctional.

itsabigtree · 01/06/2023 23:11

Do it! Life is short.

The bridesmaid bit is a bit much, but is your friend down to earth? Understanding? Does she have kids? She might not mind you being the worlds most unhelpful bridesmaid if so!

MayBlossom23 · 01/06/2023 23:16

I would have found this pretty stressful. A big family reunion at my parents' holiday home in Devon (very familiar territory) was stressful enough with a ten week old.

doubleshift · 01/06/2023 23:16

@itsabigtree have you actually been to SA recently? If you had you'd not advice it unless absolutely necessary

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 01/06/2023 23:23

I did a wedding at circa 8 weeks pp after an emergency section. Both of us were healthy albeit not getting much sleep and I was up and about. Ironically in a much worse state at 8 weeks after a VBAC

A) don't be a bridesmaid if you are planning to breastfeed. The two are incompatible. Babies (mine at any rate) feed very often, slowly and in small doses. I spent most of the day popping on a smock thing so I could feed. My dress had water marks from milk and I was hot, sweaty and self conscious.

B) EVERYONE wants to hold a newborn. It's bloody hard to say no and the problem gets worse as people have more to drink.

C) Vax - I was only going to the Channel Islands but I'm sorry I wouldn't have contemplated going further. My brother had whooping cough at that age. I was 10yrs old when he was born and I'll never forget the sound and how ill he was.

D) it's not just the passport, you have to register the birth and get a birth certificate first in order to get one. Plus pics but that's easy if you get to a professional like Snappy Snaps to do it. You will be on the clock as soon as he/she is born to get it sorted. If fast track appointments are under pressure it will get all the more stressful.

E) you say she is planning. Is it all booked? I would say something sooner rather than later. My sisters wedding was not in the Uk and on my due date. From day 1 she knew I couldn't be there and understood. She talks to me as though I was and I have to remind her now that we weren't there!!

F) surgery, flights and blood clots. It's an 8-9 hr overnight flight. Unless you have the cash for business class or book very strategic seats it will be very difficult to keep mobile and quite likely thou will be feeding most of the flight in any case. Every 2-3 hours at best with each feed taking 30'mins out of that time. It feels like you've barely stopped when you are off again. Granted that's not the case for everyone. There'll always be someone who gave birth to some great big 10lb baby who guzzles it all
down in 5 mins flat and sleeps for 5/6 hrs from birth and tells you it will all be fine. I wish that had been me!

Am I glad I went, yes. They were very old and lovely friends and we are still in touch. It was an hour away though.
Would I have done it with my slightly early, underweight, jaundiced second child, no. Plus I still couldn't sit down comfortably or walk comfortably by 12 weeks never mind 8. Every birth is different.

LittleBearPad · 01/06/2023 23:24

No, and if I did I’d leave the baby at home, fly in and fly out so as to be home asap. But I can’t imagine the stress!

SheilaFentiman · 01/06/2023 23:29

No, I wouldn’t. Constantia is beautiful though, I would consider going when baby is older to visit, if she lives there and the situation is stable.

Lindtnotlint · 01/06/2023 23:46

I would. You can get a passport in time (we flew with DC1 at six weeks) if you are focused on it, and you will be two adults to one baby - good ratio! I would decline being a bridesmaid and be prepared to cancel if any complications - but if (eg) pretty healthy baby and successful breastfeeding established then honestly this is the easiest time to go…….

PurpleWisteria1 · 01/06/2023 23:47

I did a close family wedding when my first was 4 weeks old. 1.5 hours away. Was a bit stressful but we managed and stayed fairly late into the evening.
I would buy tickets after the birth as would want to see how that went first. If I went 2 weeks over and had a C-section then I don’t think I would be up for travel. Natural birth no complications very good friend… maybe. But not as bridesmaid. Absolutely not. Too much pressure to back out. Guest only. And even then I would make it fully known that I wasn’t 100% coming and would have to wait and see but I would do my best.

SparkyBlue · 02/06/2023 08:17

I personally wouldn't even entertain it. You honestly don't know how you will be or what temperament baby you will have. You will be just inviting stress into your life at a time when you should just be getting used to the baby and starting to relax a bit into motherhood. A friend had similar but it was her sister. Anyway friend didn't go and wedding went ahead and it was 16 years ago (I know as the sister posted on Facebook for her anniversary recently ) and everyone is still close and great friends and it wasn't an issue and never affected their relationship.