4yr old told me she’s not beautiful. How to respond?

[VerityRoss]

Having dinner last night and my 4 year old daughter told us she wasn’t beautiful, because she doesn’t have long blonde hair (like her friend) and her hair is short and brown. It’s not the first time she has wished for blonde hair but it was the first time she had articulated that she didn’t feel attractive because of it.

I really struggled to know how to respond to her, mainly because it triggered a lot of memories from my childhood/teenage years when I was desperate to be blonde and pretty too. As a result I have always been careful to not be gushy about the way she looks and we don’t talk about people being pretty or beautiful. She is quite a girly girl and is drawn to beautiful things, dresses, jewellery etc.

Can anyone point me in the direction of resources or books I can read to help navigate this? I’m so worried I will say the wrong thing.

I'd say I think you are the most beautiful girl in the world.

As previous OP said. You tell her she is beautiful. I would remind her that blonde is no better than brunette. Look at Disney princesses with dark hair - tangled after she gets her hair cut off, Snow white, Belle. Keep reinforcing that everyone is unique and beautiful in their own way and reassure her that she is beautiful.

Tell her she’s beautiful. Show her pictures of two ( or more) different but beautiful women.

All children should be called beautiful. Praise her for other things too, but call her beautiful as well.

We all need to feel attractive and it starts with feeling beautiful in the eyes of our family.

As a result I have always been careful to not be gushy about the way she looks and we don’t talk about people being pretty or beautiful.

if you don't gush about her, who will? It starts with you. She doesn't need to be a blue eyed blonde to be beautiful but she does need to feel it from those who love her best!

When this came up with dd I chose some of her friends who all look different and asked her if they were beautiful, then if they all looked the same and how it might be different things that make us all beautiful, a beautiful smile, eyes, hair, some are tall, some are small, it might be kindness or being funny that makes someone shine from the inside. Make it relatable to your DD and help her understand all the different ways we can be beautiful. Then tell her she is.

I get the not wanting to focus on looks as a way of praising her but I think you need to help her understand that beauty is not just one thing ie blonde hair.

And of course she is beautiful, if you believe that beauty is more than skin deep then all children are beautiful and you should tell her this.

Please don’t link beauty and kindness for girls. Promoting kindness to girls as a primary virtue can actually be really pernicious. There are already huge pressures are girls and women to put others before themselves ( by age 5 girls are far more likely to believe this than boys). Just look at the relationships threads to see all the women who are ruining their lives staying in miserable relationships because they don’t want to upset their partner because he’s unhappy due to ( insert reason here). Girls and women are under huge pressure to put their own fairness, rights and safety in second place to please others, under the belief they need to be kind rather than boundaried. Please don’t add to this. Always raise up girls to be well boundaried before being kind.

you are so beautiful. You have a beautiful face and a beautiful mind and a beautiful soul and you make me so proud of you every day.

Or say what you really think, if this isn’t it.

I have never sat down and compared looks of other women with my dds and never would. They need to navigate their own way through that and the only thing I've ever done is tell them that I think they are beautiful, inside and out. I have two very conventionally pretty dds and one not so conventionally pretty, but genuinely to me she is beautiful and I love her face.

I don't use the word kind either because it pisses me off. I say thoughtful instead.

Part of your job is telling her she’s beautiful. Obviously reinforce other attributes. But as a PP said if you don’t gush over her, who will? That’s how you help a child internalise a sense that they’re beautiful no matter what.

Surely you tell her she is beautiful?

Apologies, not the main point of your thread, but I really dislike the term 'girly girl'. It seems really unhelpful in all of this. If your daughter didn't show interest in dresses and jewellery, would yuu not condider her a proper girl?

I hear 'girly girl' used in conversation by parents all the time, often in earshot of girls and it just reinforces these damaging and limiting stereotypes.

*consider

Firstly tell her she's beautiful and brown hair is lovely. But ask her if she wants a different hairstyle, long brown hair is also lovely (do explain it takes a long time to grow)

I have always been careful to not be gushy about the way she looks and we don’t talk about people being pretty or beautiful.

Why not? You don't have to say you're so beautiful and that's all you are. I used to say to DD (and still do) you're beautiful, you're thoughtful, you're clever, you make me laugh and I love how much you enjoy doing x. Now she's a bit older I often just say you look beautiful as she understands I don't mean that's all that's good about you. Also maybe get a doll or something with beautiful brunette hair?

I always use compliments relating to personality and actions rather than about looks where possible
I think it’s important not to focus on looks. I have a very beautiful daughter. The other is pretty too. I also have boys.
Not everyone is beautiful- I think the word is overused.
In response to this situation I would have discussed beauty in general and that it is skin deep.
I feel that you can see beauty from within in someone’s demeanour etc.
Everyone’s child is beautiful to them but the reality is that it’s not the case objectively.
The gussing and fawning I used to see on social media don’t help. It’s one of the reasons I came off Facebook.
I grew up with a mother focused on looks alone. I felt my value was related to how I looked. It’s not a good place to be especially during puberty!

I still tell my 25 year old DD that she is beautiful (she is!). I was always careful with my DD to be specific - IE "your hair looks fantastic today", "your outfit really suits you". I didn't want to give her 'empty' compliments.

Your DD is beautiful! Tell her.

I would make her laugh. In our house mean humour is the order of the day - then have an age appropriate conversation about popular ideas around beauty and how it's not the only thing that's important about someone.
My go to joke about beauty was so show DD a picture of a baby pigeon. They're hideous. Then say that to the Mummy pigeon her baby is the loveliest and most special despite its extreme ugliness. Love sees beyond looks.
Beauty is not a bad thing of itself though.

When my DD was small my pet name for her was '"Beauty or Beautiful" as that's how I saw her.

My MIL told me referring to like this would " make her think she was beautiful" I stopped calling her this as I came self conscious stupidly.

Our daughters will always be beautiful and we should let them them know.

@Magazinenotliving oh don't worry it's all about balance. I teach both of my dc to be kind but have clear boundaries, respect yourself and don't take shit. As someone who was raised to be a 'good girl' and allow everyone to trample over them I have learnt the hard way that what happens when you spend your life being kind!

I would just tell her she is beautiful. There’s no need to compare herself.

Don't tell her she's beautiful as that just reinforces the idea that beauty is important for her worth! And it's not nice if you say "I'm worried about X" and have someone you trust basically contacting and dismissing your concern rather than listening. Avoid teaching that is more important what others think (even if it is her parents, it's still more important to validate her feeling than to rely on your validation of her looks)

If you do feel the need to reassure initially, tell her you love her.
The important thing is not whether she is beautiful according to what or not opinion, the important thing is she is not happy with how she looks, so try to help her focus on what she thinks of herself, even if it's not comfortable to hear.
If you can explore her feelings neutrally then she can process them and decide for herself what they mean. There's a lot of emotion tied up in this topic for adults and it's so easy to pass it on by having an emotional response.

In a nutshell, be a good listener, even if it's hard!
Good luck!

I would ignore that advice. Tell your four year old she’s beautiful.

In other situations you’d not be trying to belittle or dispute what someone said so why here? If your child said “I’m hungry” you wouldn’t say “no you’re not” so why is this any different?
Ask why she thinks beautiful is important… who says? What is beautiful and who decides? Help her to have critical thinking skills and to see that how you look isn’t really a fixed entity and can be faked or false.
women should be trying to get away from the core belief that their value lies in what they are rather than who they are, and this starts in babyhood.