Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

4yr old told me she’s not beautiful. How to respond?

33 replies

VerityRoss · 29/05/2023 07:31

Having dinner last night and my 4 year old daughter told us she wasn’t beautiful, because she doesn’t have long blonde hair (like her friend) and her hair is short and brown. It’s not the first time she has wished for blonde hair but it was the first time she had articulated that she didn’t feel attractive because of it.

I really struggled to know how to respond to her, mainly because it triggered a lot of memories from my childhood/teenage years when I was desperate to be blonde and pretty too. As a result I have always been careful to not be gushy about the way she looks and we don’t talk about people being pretty or beautiful. She is quite a girly girl and is drawn to beautiful things, dresses, jewellery etc.

Can anyone point me in the direction of resources or books I can read to help navigate this? I’m so worried I will say the wrong thing.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

mauveiscurious · 29/05/2023 14:45

Beauty is in all things, looks , attitude and kindness. Wouldn't the world be a better place if we were all told we were beautiful from time to time.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 29/05/2023 14:50

I would absolutely tell her that I think she is beautiful, but I would also want to talk to her about why she thinks she isn't. And have the conversation that beauty isn't limited to one "look". Of course, I'd also be having the conversation that other traits are far more important, but I wouldn't want to simply dismiss her feelings... the fact that you don't think beauty is important won't help her if she thinks that it is!!

Godlovesall26 · 29/05/2023 22:35

I can’t remember wanting to be blonde in teenage years tbh, but at her age yes, as a frizzy haired brunette (oriental origins) I think loads of children at that age will wonder about blonde and blue eyed being ‘more beautiful’. Depending on where you live, what the majority of other children look like etc. Although there has since been a lot of progress with dolls, tv characters etc at least. It’s definitely not unusual, I’m unsure why you’ve been careful to avoid the subject, just tell her beauty comes in all colors, shapes and forms, and she’s beautiful how she is. There are now quite a lot of children books and resources for this.

(Fwiw I was neglected as a child, so my hair was actually a mess, but my primary school teachers always took on this role of telling me I was beautiful - among other attributes - before I was taken into care. As an adult with my own self care, I realized my hair properly cared for quite naturally falls into those perm type curls and honestly often have people asking which hairdresser (I have really light skin and rather boring traits, people don’t always guess my origins at first look))

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

4 year olds Behaviour & development Families General parenting

audweb · 29/05/2023 22:40

Tell her she’s beautiful

buy books and movies that have stories about girls who look like her.

my daughter is mixed race, I worked very hard to make sure she saw herself in all the places she read and watched, I told her she was beautiful a lot, I also told her many other things but why should our daughters not hear they are beautiful from us? if I had a son I would say the same!

it’s ok for her to know that you think she’s beautiful. And that beauty is not just about blonde hair, beauty comes in all different forms.

Reugny · 29/05/2023 22:59

But she is beautiful to you and you should tell her so.

Mamabear04 · 30/05/2023 11:14

I think at this age they start to want to like their friends. If I were you I would steer away from trying to convince her of anything and keep it matter of fact. I would say something like, "some people have blonde hair, some people have brown hair, some people have red hair, some people have black hair. I like brown hair, I like blonde hair, I like red hair, I like black hair. I think you are beautiful and perfect because you are you."

funkymom23 · 30/05/2023 11:25

Reassure her that she is beautiful just the way she is and point out the features that make her her! Introduce your daughters uniqueness and dont be shy about making your daughter feel beautiful- do reassure her!

Slavica · 30/05/2023 11:25

Landlubber2019 · 29/05/2023 07:38

As a result I have always been careful to not be gushy about the way she looks and we don’t talk about people being pretty or beautiful.

if you don't gush about her, who will? It starts with you. She doesn't need to be a blue eyed blonde to be beautiful but she does need to feel it from those who love her best!

Exactly; I've made a conscious decision to tell my DD she is beautiful - it starts with us, her parents. The world will tell her all sorts of things, and has, now that she is 15, no need to hear anything other than she is beautiful from her family.

She used to wish for blond hair and draw herself with blond hair when she was little, like your daughter. The thing is, she is biracial, and had beautiful, shiny dark brown hair, in a sea of blond and light brown haired children. This stopped when she was about 7, if I remember correctly, but it was not easy to hear.

Flip

1 2