Is it ok to let them quit?

[loverofbono]

Just wanting some opinions on here. Recently my friend told me that her daughter really wanted to start ballet. She wouldn't allow her because she said she knew eventually she would have to quit, and she 'isn't raising quitters.' It made me think, as my kids have dipped their toes into everything over the years, football, drama, ballet, gymnastics, tennis, you name it basically. Once they realise it's not for them we move onto something else. Is this bad for kids, does it teach them a bad example? As in, not reaching them to stick at something regardless of whether they like it/are good at it?

I think they need to have a good go at everything if they want.
How do they know if they will be good at an activity or not unless they have a go.
Extra circular activities outside of school can be very enriching and who knows who the next great ballet dancer/ footballer/ ice skater will be ?
Future hobbies and interests are nurtured from these experiences.
I was denied a lot of these activities when I was a child as there was no interest or encouragement from my parents, I’ve made sure that my own children got more opportunities!

I think it's great for kids to try different things. Once they find something they enjoy then go with it. I have 2 dds that play rugby and one that rides. We done all sorts when they were younger but this is what they enjoyed the most. I would never make them carry on with something they weren't enjoying, life is too short! Nothing wrong with trying something and not liking it and going on to something else in my opinion!

What’s wrong with learning about how and when to quit? Would you rather they ‘stuck at it’ knowing they didn’t enjoy it or weren’t good at it? Or maybe it wasn’t the right environment?

Mine did all sorts and went as long as they enjoyed it.

Can you imagine still being is Brownies because your aren’t a quitter?

Short answer is let them of course it's fine for them to quit.

Long answer is I'd make them tell me that more than once and over a little period of time before acting on it.

Five year old son told me he didn't want to book the next term of football so I didn't, then got weekly enquiries about why he couldn't go until the next booking window came around. It would seem sometimes the quitting is fickle and just feeling tired that night!

I have two children who are now young adults.

My DD took up activities and stuck at them. My DS took up lots of different things and quit most of them after a short time.

Both have done well in life.

My opinion is that there's no need to overthink this one. Just trust your instincts and be guided by the child.

About 18 months ago DD1 wanted to try something which we knew she would quit. DD2 also expressed an interest, more from copying her sister.

We were right... DD1 lasted a month. But she tried something completely out of her comfort zone. As for DD2... shes thriving in the club. Not been easy, as she isn't the most coordinated child and can get disheartened easily. It took over a year to click properly, and she won Most Improved Player this year.

But if originally we had said no, neither child would have got that learning experience. And it benefited both.

Your friends attitude is absolutely insane! Is she expecting both her children to stay in their first ever job until retirement because she doesn't raise quitters?! Just an 80 year old paper boy.

They should be encouraged to try new things with the comfort of knowing that if it isn't for them they're fine to leave. That said, I wouldn't allow them to quit because of laziness/rather be at home on a screen etc. I'd want a good reason.

It's important to quit when something isn't right for you. It's important to stick at something that's right for you, but difficult to achieve. It's a balance.

The rule in our family is that you sign up for two terms and do it with enthusiasm. If you want to stop at any point, you have to finish the term you're doing (with enthusiasm and grace), and then we give notice.

The only exception is swimming, in which you have to reach a certain proficiency before being allowed to stop.

Also, we have a rule that you have to be on at least one school sports team, but I wouldn't have that rule if any of my kids hated sports. My lot are quite sporty, and I think team sports and representing their school are good for them.

My kids have tried various things. You need to give it a good go so if I’ve paid for a term of lessons you finish the term.

With DS Kung fu we have a rule he is allowed to quit immediately after a class but not immediately before it.

He always wants to quit because he can't be bothered to go but when he goes he enjoys it.

Been doing it over a year now.

Let them quit if they really mean it.

So she thinks it is best to not start because eventually they'll want to stop so just don't bother? That's crazy. I'd ask them to have a good go at it and not let them let a team down mid season for example, but if they start something and don't enjoy it they can stop.

Right. Coming from a family where I watched all my friends do clubs and activities and I never did any because we couldn't afford it, I encourage anything and everything my kids show interest in. I will give it a term and if they are done, we move onto the next one. How can they know if they don't try? Your friends attitude is horrible.

We made sure our kids finished out the year or the season. I watched my granchildren in soccer this week, and I can tell my GD7 really isn't into it, but she still has to go and participate. I know she won't want to sign up next year. She says all the other kids are too pushy....obviously she needs something with no contact!

I read something on Reddit years ago (I can't find it now) and a poster said he didn't let his oldest child quit a hobby they picked up but for some reason did let the younger two children quit their hobbies when they stopped enjoying them. He noticed the eldest was then reluctant to try anything new and even as an adult doesn't tend to go to his parents for help/advice like the younger two. I thought it was a really interesting observation from them and my takeaway was it's ok to quit sometimes.

That is a scary attitude to parenting. I thank goodness my parents weren't like that. How will the kids find out what they like doing if they don't try stuff? Just wow.

If mine are interested in something I let them have a trial session. If they want to do it, I will pay for the classes and they can quit but cannot waste the classes we have paid for. It's usually half a term or one month's notice and they usually change their mind when they realise it won't just get them out of it immediately! It's usually just an "I CBA today" feeling for mine

Exactly this. I absolutely hated brownies.

Sounds like your mate is making up excuses for why she doesn't want ot take her kid to ballet - money, time, effort, whatever.

Who actually refuses a kid from starting a hobby because they know in X years they'll quit.

And why would she? My friend in her 40s still gotta to dance classes!

www.amazon.com/Grit-Passion-Perseverance-Angela-Duckworth/dp/1501111108

This is a very thoughtful book about the benefits of sticking with something which can develop habits that translate to grittiness and success as an adult. I can't remember the exact details but the author makes her own children pick one activity then stick to it for a predetermined length of time--the duration extends as they get older. The evidence was pretty convincing, but honestly, I'm not sure I'd have the heart to force my kids to continue something they hated

In my experience, knowing when to quit is an excellent life skill to have!

its good for kids to try a wide variety of things and settle on a couple of hobbies they really enjoy. Becoming skilled at something is very meaningful, confidence building also. As the parent i have good overview, providing support and boundaries whilst at the same time listening to my childrens voice. Learning to help them make healthy balanced well researched well planned decisions is part of helping them grow up into thoughtful adults able to make good independent choices. Aside, being able to say no to something which makes them particularly uncomfortable or seriously unhappy is pretty important. As an adult I am able to change jobs if my job made me unhappy, drop friends if their behaviour was awful. Children naturally have much less autonomy.

Yes and knowing when to quit is a skill, pointless dragging things out

I’ve struggled with vicarious wishes for my children to keep up activities and not quit because they didn’t want to practice (piano), felt cold (hockey), didn’t like the teacher (guitar), etc. I do think grit is a characteristic that helps in life. But recently, now they are older, I say that life is long and they can take something up when they are older. If anyone says ‘I wish you hadn’t let me give up ballet/athletics’, I’ll be handing them a flier and telling them to find a class they want to do and come back to me with a plan. Which I’ll consider.

I took up violin at 42 and flute at 46. Rubbish at both. Do I wish for less flakiness and more grit in my kids? Yes. But hopefully they will learn to live with their choices and feel life is still full of opportunity (but don’t blame me if you don’t run in the Olympics.)

I raised my kids to be happy to quit things. I agree that it's a skill. They tried all sorts of things and as long as they completed the bit I'd paid for (ie the term or cancellation period) they could drop out. The were also happy to drop out of things they excelled at.

As adults they have gone back to some of the things they dropped out of as kids.

Some parents push their kids to do activities they excel at but sometimes that isn't the activity the kid prefers.

As adults my kids are responsible, hard working and happy. They have no problem committing to things.

I think there is a BIG difference between finding something isn't for you, and leaving at the end of term, or the end of the season, or the end of the block booking, and people who allow their dc to just 'not turn up' to something because they don't feel like it on night / one weekend.
No, don't force people to do something they don't enjoy, but do teach them about a certain level of commitment, and of giving something a chance - learning perseverance and overcoming challenges to achieve something is a really good thing to be able to do). I also think it is important they understand that the team / cast / band / whatever group it is is relying on them once they have committed to being there that weekend and it isn't fair to let other people down.

So, the answer is, 'it depends' (as it is to so many questions on MN).
Depends on age of the child, depends on what you mean by letting them quit.