Would you confront Mum for leaving DD out?

[rootsandwings89]

My 7 year old DD has a little friendship group at school. It was her best friends birthday on Tuesday and I thought it was strange no party had been arranged.

My DD has come home from school in tears because she's been told that her friends are going out for the birthday at the weekend - everyone except her. No reason given, and there have even been 2 girls invited that aren't in their little group.

We've always tried to encourage DD to play with everyone, but this group have always been very close. I feel this is purposely leaving her out and I've no idea why.

I have a good relationship with the girls mum but I'm so upset. AIBU to be angry? I don't know whether to message her or not?

If you have a good relationship with the mum you should be able to approach it in a non confrontational manner and maybe find it was an honest mistake

Ywbu to "confront" the parent yes. You could perhaps (calmly) if the girls have fallen out, but tbh you're best off leaving it imo.

I would leave it. More than likely they've had a disagreement and the little girl made the invite list.

I've realised saying confront sounds a bit like "have a go" which I wouldn't do. I just don't know whether to message and ask why she didn't at least talk to me about it

I would message her, but pick the tone carefully, make it inquisitive and not accusatory.

ask why she didn't at least talk to me about it

this still sounds confrontational

As you're close to the mum I would message something like "Hi X, I hear from DD that she's not invited to Y's birthday. No worries if that's her choice, but just wondering if the girls have fallen out or something?"

She shouldn’t need to talk to you to explain why she’s not invited your child for goodness sake. In the years to come your child won’t get invited to every party. I never understand the drama and anger on here over children not being invited to parties.

Perfect message

What if the answer is ‘no, no falling out, my kid just didn’t want to invite yours…’. It’s awkward all round…

I wouldn’t message but might casually ask if they’ve fallen out next time you see her. Tbh if they’d been friends and the mum had presided over this I wouldn’t really think much of her or her child, and as hard as it is, probably best off without them.

The other dm is fully aware she's excluded your dd, it's not accidental or an oversight.
She is probably expecting a text or a "confrontation" of some sort and is ready for it.
Personally I don't think it'll end well, the only outcome that would be acceptable would be for her to invite your dd but it would be under pressure from you.
I'd encourage your dd to make and play with other friends and put some space between the girls (including space between you and the other dm) 😉
Explain to your dd that sometimes other people are not always kind and you can be left out.
I feel for your dd, it's not very nice

I know it sucks but I don’t think messaging will help. Just take your daughter out to do something nice instead. There isn’t anything you need to “find out”. Her daughter probably just didn’t pick yours. It’s sad but it’s life.

I wouldn't message. I don't think it would achieve anything other than awkwardness. The other mum will be aware that your DD is excluded and I'm sure it would be that she's asked her DD who she wants to invite and for whatever reason (probably something very minor) the other girl has not said your DD.

I wouldn't go out your way to ask. If you see her tomorrow just ask if the girls are ok as you are aware your Dd didn't get an invite and that you understand it's the birthday girls choice, you would just like to help let your dd get past it a bit easier.

Sadly sounds like it's not going to be what you want to hear but you'll always wonder and it'll make helping your dd easier.

If you're able plan something totally distracting for her to look forward to.

I'd only message if I thought there was a chance the invite had been missed somehow, otherwise leave it and encourage your DD to find another group.

No I would leave it . Just explain to your DD that sometimes she won't be invited.

I wouldn't message but what if the answer is a simple my daughter didn't pick her. I would ask if she's aware of a falling out etc next time I see her because that's the only real issue that needs addressing. You can comfort your daughter without knowing the reason she isn't invited.

Thing is, there's no good answer; she didn't want to invite your DD, or at least there were girls she wanted to invite more.

At 7 I'd say don't start to get involved; from this age friendships can be very changeable and choppy, and if you wade in now it gets complicated.

You have to just breeze through it, model to your daughter that it's just one of life's little wrinkles and not to dwell on other peoples actions.

When this happened to on me of mine I spoke to the mum in the playground, I said that my DC must have lost the invitation so could she send me the details again 🙊

I've had a similar situation recently. It's horrible to see your kids be left out but you can't say anything.

Whoa, no I wouldn't message the mum AT ALL.

Don't get involved in your child's friendships to that level.

There's not been a mistake, if there had been, the other mum would chase you up about the invite.

Their friendship groups change a lot throughout school. Maybe her DD doesn't feel as close to yours anymore...which is totally fine.

Just tell your DD "don't worry darling, friendship groups change all the time throughout school. Don't take it to heart. You will be invited to someone else's party soon, I'm sure"

I think it’s rude to ask why she’s not been invited, very confrontational.
My son didn’t want a boy from the group invited to his party as the boy was really badly behaved and would start play fighting, but he didn’t know when to stop and would hurt them . He was forced into the group by school, and encouraged vigorously by his parents. The fact was that he was tolerated by the boys, but not actually wanted.

I wouldn’t speak to the other mum about it but it might be worth checking with the teacher to see how your DD is doing from a friendship perspective because what she tells you or what she thinks might not be a true reflection of what is happening.

YANBU to be upset that she hasn’t been included but you just have to move on. Unfortunately all children are likely to go through plenty of more friendship issues in the next few years.

No I wouldn't ask about it directly but next time you're chatting to the mum at school I'd just ask if her DD had a nice birthday.
Also think it's good suggestion of PP to check in with the teacher about your DD's friendships