Are we really getting it wrong as parents?

[Crazycrazylady]

www.image.ie/self/children-getting-less-resilient-parenting-style-129667/amp

I've been questioning really about the rise of anxiety in kids, it really feels that every second child now has mh struggles of some sort.

It definitely feels like kids today are far less resilient than we were at same age, my parents never went into the school complaining on my behalf. If I complained of an injustice I was usually met with a shrug along with a statement like things won't always go your way. I wonder how are we doing our kids a disservice in some way by helping supporting them as much as we do.

I ready the article above and it really resonates with me .
What does everyone thing? What is causing to r growth in mh issues.?
Is it inadvertently us???

I don't know what the answer is. What I would say, though, is that mental health issues were ignored in the past - so a child may have had eg anxiety , but it wasn't called that and the child wasn't supported in the way they are now.

Re the greater parenting point - there are probably pluses and minuses to any approach. The more free range approach people refer to in the past may have at best allowed more independence or resilience, but at worst may have been neglectful or left a child feeling insecure.

Now we are supposedly more involved which can be stifling or restrict a child, but some may benefit - like the child with anxiety

This could be a book sized answer in depth, but the short answer is yes; along with societal factors. 100% of parents, on some degree or another, pass on some unresolved trauma to their children, and the effect (in conjunction with societal factors as I say) snowballs until someone becomes cognizant enough of it that they break the cycle.

I think social media has a lot to do with the mental health problems in children today.

The world today, and what our children have access to or are exposed to, is completely different to what the average parent today ever experienced.

I think parents need to take steps to protect their children as much as they can.

Well it's seems nothing can happen to adults without the word anxiety or variants used so how much of this would effect children?

I wonder how much of a teachers day's is spent dealing with parents more than children

I think there are many factors involved. A big one is the lack of freedom (and hence responsibility). As a small child we walked to school in groups of friends or in pairs. It was very rare that a parent walked their child to school beyond the age of 6. There was a lollipop lady on the busy main road, but apart from that we were expected to navigate the world ourselves. At weekends and holidays we left home after breakfast and played on the green or wandered the woods without adult supervision. We came home when hungry. Anxiety is fundamentally a fear that I cannot control my world. If we don't give children the freedom to learn to navigate their world then they're more likely to grow up anxious.

Yes, I think it’s lack of freedom and helicopter parenting. As @MysteriesOfTheOrganism said, children used to walk to school in small groups - even as recently as the early 2000s, when my DC went to
school (in a medium-sized town) - from 7 onwards. And they were allowed to leave the town centre school at lunchtime in P7 (so age 11) to buy lunch in cafes or Tesco. That’s all stopped now. And the roads surrounding the school are blocked with cars at pick up time. Children need to learn coping mechanisms by going outside their comfort zones and interacting with strangers, 99.99% of whom have no bad intentions.

That's a very obviously biased opinion piece, making dubious claims without evidence.

Have you got any real evidence to go with your assertions?

Social media - in some kids faces 24hrs a day

Pandemic - everyone around stressed, routines thrown out, loved ones dying

Importance of passing exams - in the old days less bright kids could find work, now everything seems to require exam passes, even though GCSE are designed so that only 2/3rds pass English & Maths. Plus the new GCSEs are more intense than the old style with fewer less academic options.

We all know children pick up a lot from adults, and adults have increasing amounts to be anxious about in daily life. Insecure jobs, insecure housing. Etc etc.

Honestly I don't at all. I'm just seeing more and more anxiety in my wider circle and I like to think that parenting has moved on since our parents day ( in a good way) so im at a loss to understand why many kids today seem broadly unhappier thank twenty years ago. - maybe it was all just hidden before but definitely in my circle of friends in national school I don't believe there was.
I suppose I'm wondering is it the modern world that has done this or is it an unintended consequence of how we parent today?

@Chattycathydoll . Do you really think the problems you mention are new ?
People have always worried about jobs ( 1930s depression) Housing (London after the Blitz). What about living with war in the background? When I grew up we had to practise in case of nuclear attack. In contrast life is safe and secure now.

I was extremely anxious in the 80s it hasn't done me any good at nearly 50 for putting up and cracking ok back then.

Just more silent suffering back then. Bullying and fear.

More fresh air and more physical activity would solve many "anxiety" issues in children. My teen daughter is very heavily involved with a physically tiring outdoor sport and none of the kids in her circle of friends have anxiety or MH issues.

Kids are being thought up in a totally different world, families now come in all shapes and sizes, they are in childcare from a much younger age, school life is a very different experience.
The level of stress in everyday life is at a record high, so many adults suffering with poor MH, as well as addictions. Lack of job security, marital breakdowns, is it any wonder. It's not just a case of low resilience, approx one in ten kids lose a parent whilst very young. They need help and support not shaming.
I much preferred the slower way of life when l was a young girl, my Mum didn't work and was very calm and happy, where as l feel stressed and exhausted most of the time.

Brought

I don't think the pandemic helped either.

For many reasons.

The article makes some very valid points.
Also, there is no way all the 'anxious' parents aren't negatively affecting their children
Another big issue is that we don't allow children to learn out to deal with conflict. Everything is labelled as bullying and children are never able to navigate situations where they don't get along with someone. It's a vital skill that isn't allowed to develop.

Disclaimer Obviously bullying exists and is insidious and damaging and I'm not talking about that.

Well, the most common age for suicide is 40 to 54 (men and women) i assume these people were bought up pre internet and had a so called less anxious upbringing?

As far as i can see, current society is geared toward success and money, people try to lead lives that are totally unrealistic and as people can't all be wealthy and have perfect bodies, they feel they have failed... hence the rise in MH issues in kids and adults.

In regard to parenting, i think children are not given firm boundaries and its easier to allow them constant access to a VR world than it is to do the real hard graft of parenting.... we have become a nation of lazy slobs.

@Howpo I think the opposite - nowadays both mum and dad have to work in most families and in general we live in more insular nuclear family structures without nearby support from extended family. If grandparents are near then chances are they are still working so cannot help regularly to give parents support or a break. More risks mean children don’t get to just ‘play out’ unsupervised like they used to. So I don’t think we’re lazy slobs, I think parents have a hard graft - but yes, this alongside modern technology does mean kids are on tablets etc more often.

I'm not sure about this as a sweeping statement. My son is 3.5 and spends most of his time outside because it's where he's happiest/most confident. He's a very very anxious kid and always has been. I ended up on the phone to my GP last year in tears because one morning he'd gotten so worked up about going to nursery (that he'd been attending for a year) he had a meltdown about us putting his tissue in the bin- he was breathing really fast and tried to empty the bin so he could put the tissue in "properly" . I have no idea why he is so anxious. I am not a very anxious person, neither is dh (his dad) and there's no trauma backstory or anything. He eats ok and doesn't have much screen time but his sleep is awful as he can't switch off. My nan was diagnosed at 85 with anxiety and OCD. She had always been like it ever since she was a child. In fact the reason I called the GP that day was because it basically gave me a flashback to my nan going through her bins in a panic when she was having "an episode". Obviously back in her day though people just said "oh she's got her funny ways" or whatever and she was left to it. So I don't think anxiety in kids is new, I just think now we try to actually do something to help those that struggle.

He's still very young but once a bit older I would really recommend something like horse riding as a sport. Being around horses is therapeutic and helps anxiety (although not for the parent watching 😂) and riding/grooming/mucking out are physically tiring which helps sleep.

It's definitely interesting. No clue what the answer is. I've been working with teens/young adult for a while now in different capacities, and am shocked at how many of them are anxious. Was chatting to some older and wiser colleagues the other day who say children are no longer taught to be resilient.

I think social media has a lot to answer for.

One of the young women I worked with told me about her climate anxiety. She said it used to be awful, and she often thought she couldn't face the World and what we'd done to it. She seemed to think they were the first generation to care about the planet.

@Fivebyfive2 That sounds so difficult for you. Do you mind me asking when you first noticed your Ds was anxious? What advice have you been given?

@XelaM thanks, we actually live across from horses and he loves being around them so it's something we've considered for when he's older.

@primoseyellow We noticed around 18 months that he was a bit "different" to other kids his age and at 2 we contacted the hv. His 2.5 year review she flagged up various things (anxiety, sensory stuff) and at 3 the GP and hv helped with a referral for a paediatrician to see him. We're awaiting that now. We have tried things like routine, outdoor time, a comfort box with photos etc and a chart to help him know what's happening. His new nursery are amazing and he's doing so much better the last few months but we've put alot of ground work down for him to feel more comfortable. I'm dreading school next year but who knows, anything can happen in a year!