Family jobs - how to manage with a pre-schooler

[johnd2]

Hi all, we're just after some ideas on managing family jobs with a pre-schooler, and suitable consequences that teach the right lessons. Family jobs being things like laundry, dishwasher, tidying up, etc.

Now firstly we can physically manage all the jobs as parents, so it's not like we can't manage without the help. But it's a good life lesson that certain types of things you need to do even if you don't want to do them. But other things you should trust yourself. And some jobs you just hate no matter what your age.

We have tried asking our 3 year old and sometimes he helps, but often he just says "I don't want to do it" and that's that.
Ideas so far

• asking nicely (he helps occasionally)
• pointing out something that will happen quicker if he helps (he helps occasionally)
• explaining that he can't have dinner unless he loads his breakfast stuff (he was happy to skip lunch)
• asking him to sit on the back door mat until all the jobs are done (he sits on the door mat until we're done)
• getting annoyed (he gets upset and we get annoyed...)

Now I get that he's only 3 but it's frustrating that he is physically able to do all these things but he's lost interest and doesn't get the idea of all pitching in. But we're playing the long game and trying to be honest and trust him too (so avoiding bribery or unrelated consequences)

So hit me up with your ideas, suggestions, or things to avoid before I explode or give up!

One of your proposals is to withhold food until he does chores?!

He is 3. He is learning, taking everything in. Make the jobs fun, teach him how to do them, involve him in everything, model what happens and specifically make sure all adults in the family model it. Talk about how well he has approached something difficult, or how you’ve noticed how much care he has taken etc. Don’t attach any negatives. Make your expectations age appropriate, because right now they are not. There is a huge difference between physically able to do something, and emotionally/intellectually able to commit to chores. The more stressful you make this, the more negatives attached to the jobs, the more he is going to have an inbuilt dislike for them.

Withholding food unless he does something....?!

I have no words. (Actually, I do, but I don't want to get a telling off from hq).

Is this serious?! I have a three year old and I can't imagine what would ever lead to me withholding food from him.

Definitely make it into a game..eg race against you to pick up all the toys. Make it fun. Give him part of a job like putting all the spoons in the drawer while you do the knives. Make it about his stuff ..his toys/ his coat/ his shoes/ matching socks etc. Vary the jobs like he might like doing stuff outside now so could help you water the flowers . He has a long way to go so take it easy and he will get there.
Try having a 14 year old who doesn't want to do anything and you will look back nostalgically on these days.

At that age, it is all about role modelling behaviours.

Praise when he helps, absolutely do not withhold food if he doesn’t want to, that’s completely abusive.

They don't sound like family jobs, they sound like jobs of responsible adults.

He is 3 and in my opinion far to young to do anything like that on request. Great if you want to let him be involved and he enjoys it. My son didn't even two yet and currently loves the washing machine, he would happily load and unload the same clothes for 15 minutes before getting bored but I have zero expectations that he would contribute in a meaningful way for years yet.

This.

Don't make it boring and about chores. It needs to be fun for him. He will be totally unhappy and push back against you otherwise.

He does not have the intellectual ability to understand concepts like pitching in, shared jobs and how he can control with his actions how quick or slow he gets something.

Your expectations are waaay to high. Make it look fun, praise when he tries. That's it!

I think you need to look at your approach. You say you're avoiding unrelated consequences, but the consequences are he can't have dinner or has to sit on the mat....both of which are completely arbitrary, unrelated punishments for not doing as you've asked. You need to do some research and have a big think about some of the choices you're making. Perhaps you better skip dinner and have a sit on the mat and think about what you've done? Because what you've done ksy much worse than a three year old declining to help stack the dishwasher.

Ask him to help. Big praise when he does. Ignore when he doesn't.

Appropriate consequences would be something like he can't get another toy out until the ones he has out are tidied away/you don't move on to the next activity until the current one is finished (including tidying up). At three you shouldn't expect more than basic tidying up after themselves.

I made DS a reward chart for helping with things - he was obsessed with Lego figures so I made him a Lego reward chart that he moved a little Lego figure across and for every 15 lego bricks he jumped he got to choose a new lego figure.

He's 3, it's not about pitching in yet, it's about modelling and learning through fun.

He is 3!!
Please don't withhold food from him again.

Fuck me this is bad
Bad bad bad.

As you say...he is THREE. Get a grip.
What you can do is say "mummy's sweeping do you want to help?" But to force a three year old to do a chore is ridiculous imo.

Family jobs being things like laundry, dishwasher, tidying up, etc.

Do you actually hear yourself?

I'd maybe get them to sort their duvet cover or help sweep a floor and help pick their toys up. But laundry and filing the dishwasher? No. Your expectations are wildly out of like with real life.

Before you explode indeed.

4&5 yo here.

I try to get them to keep their toys tidy. Occasionally we do laundry sorting together, and if they want to help with the dishwasher they can. They put their dirty laundry in the laundry basket. That's about it.

Your expectations and punishments are way off.

I have a 3 year old. Simple things like tidying up which she sometimes likes to do sometimes is totally disinterested... but your expectations and punishments are way beyond reality and I am sorry to say .. cruel.

I will add that DS is 10 now and helps with loads around the house, generally without complaint making the most of it til we got the teens!! So it didn't do him any harm not being forced into it as a pre schooler.

Thanks for all the replies I'll read tomorrow when I'm awake but I'm not sure where everyone got withholding food from? I explained if he doesn't clear his plate from the table he won't be able to have his lunch and he said he won't have lunch, it wasn't like he was begging for food. Maybe my judgement is clouded by the fact he skips lunch over 50% of the time anyway by choice.
We already "withhold" food by saying if he wants to eat he has to sit up at the table, and we have a set amount of time for meals. Are those rules also classed as withholding food?

This can not be real.

Yeah you're withholding food.

Or rather, you're turning food (ordinary meals that is, not even "treat" food) into a conditional reward that he can only get if he complies/obeys you.

Three year olds are contrary, of course he's going to decline lunch if you give him an ultimatum like that. They say they don't want their coat even when it's snowing, or they swear blind they don't need a wee and then wee for five minutes when you make them try.

I really can't imagine making a three year old miss meals or sit on the mat because they won't stack the dishwasher. I ask mine to tidy up toys etc but I do it with her and make it into a game. That's about all she's expected to do tbh.

This post cannot be for real.
This style of parenting is cruel and abusive on a boy so young.

DDs job was changing over the empty toilet rolls for new ones. She loved the responsibility.
I'd find something he likes doing and make that his job, and build up from there.
Also, make it fun: who can tidy up the toys the quickest etc.

You refuse to give a 3 year old good because he don't load the dishwasher or do laundry?!? What on earth am I reading???

After playtime, put on the tidy up song and make tidying the toys away a game for him to join in. That's it. Leave all the other chores away from your DS until he is much older.

*food not good

*doesn't load the dishwasher