Family jobs - how to manage with a pre-schooler

[johnd2]

Hi all, we're just after some ideas on managing family jobs with a pre-schooler, and suitable consequences that teach the right lessons. Family jobs being things like laundry, dishwasher, tidying up, etc.

Now firstly we can physically manage all the jobs as parents, so it's not like we can't manage without the help. But it's a good life lesson that certain types of things you need to do even if you don't want to do them. But other things you should trust yourself. And some jobs you just hate no matter what your age.

We have tried asking our 3 year old and sometimes he helps, but often he just says "I don't want to do it" and that's that.
Ideas so far

• asking nicely (he helps occasionally)
• pointing out something that will happen quicker if he helps (he helps occasionally)
• explaining that he can't have dinner unless he loads his breakfast stuff (he was happy to skip lunch)
• asking him to sit on the back door mat until all the jobs are done (he sits on the door mat until we're done)
• getting annoyed (he gets upset and we get annoyed...)

Now I get that he's only 3 but it's frustrating that he is physically able to do all these things but he's lost interest and doesn't get the idea of all pitching in. But we're playing the long game and trying to be honest and trust him too (so avoiding bribery or unrelated consequences)

So hit me up with your ideas, suggestions, or things to avoid before I explode or give up!

You my bil/ sil? They treat their ds like that. It's awful. Then the kid refuses to eat and they give him his refused meal the next day. Then he hides food in his room....

Only the dishwasher? Can you not get him to wash the car before he's allowed to go out in it or clean the oven before you can cook? 🙄

I explained if he doesn't clear his plate from the table he won't be able to have his lunch

That's the withholding food bit.

If you don't do what I've asked, I won't provide food for you. That's withholding food.

Putting food on the table for him to access if he's hungry and him not taking that food is not withholding food.

The difference is clear. I'm struggling to believe that you genuinely don't understand the difference, but if you don't I would urge you to seek some help. Your HV may be a good person to contact in the first instance.

So he gets 'rewarded' with food when he completes his tasks. Do you not see how f*cked up your parenting is? No wonder he skips meals - you make it miserable and an ordeal for him. What an unhappy environment for him - all these rules at 3yrs old.

I hope this post is fake as you are hideous parents.

I have a 5 year old and a 3 year old. They have to hang their coats up, put their shoes away and help with tidying toys. That's about it chores-wose for them. They're little - I don't expect them to be doing laundry or dishwasher.

I really do worry when people wrote things like this. You are not parenting you are being abusive to your child.

Parents feed their children and ensure basic care needs are met in any fashion to ensure their basic needs are met. Before they try to engage preferred behavor.

Please seek parenting guidance because if your child goes to preschool etc and says I don't eat because I didn't put dishes away etc you will warrant a review.

This sounds far too strict and too early OP, sorry

He 3 ffs.

Agree that this is way too young for proper chores. My 4yo doesn't do anything I ask at the moment, even general stuff never mind chores, and even then I would never say she can't have the next meal. Maybe can't go to the playground or have a chocolate mini roll after tea, but that's for when she won't stop hitting her sister or won't get ready to leave the house when we really need to. Trying to make her do the laundry or dishwasher seems farfetched to me!

Sometimes if I'm sorting washing and she's quiet and in a good mood she'll 'help' me which just involves chatting away and making a mess but feeling like she's helping. Similarly if it's a good day we'll put the 'tidy up song' on tidy up to toys together. It feels like there's already so many non fun 'must dos' for kids like getting dressed, teeth, drinking water, going somewhere when they don't want to, coming inside, getting ready for bed, etc... trying to throw in more 'must dos' at this age just seems unnecessary.

I'd give it another 5 years OP before you have these sorts of expectations.

I would really try and remove food from punishments or being tied in to being 'good' or not.

I have a three year old (almost four) and the only things she does are clear her plate from the table, and help tidy toys up. She does also quite like helping put the laundry away and attempting to mop the floor (and she attempts to hang wet washing on the airer but this is actually not helpful and I have to redo it, but I guess it's a nice thought).
We don't have any punishments for her not doing these things - I think she enjoys putting the laundry away, plus she's figured out that when I'm doing it, I'm not going to play with her until it's done, so she may as well come and speed it along. Tidying toys up we do together, and I know they do it at nursery, so she's pretty good at just doing it with us when asked. We have a couple of small toy baskets in the living room so we can easily turn it into a bit of a competition eg who will get the most stuff in their basket.

Your suggestions of no dinner, or having to sit on the doormat until you're done, are wrong and you should stop.

Your expectations are waaaaay too high, this is very OTT.
The only thing my 3 year old is asked to do is to tidy her toys away when she's finished with them. She sometimes likes to help load the washings machine or hand me things to hang up but that's very much only if she shows an interest

We already "withhold" food by saying if he wants to eat he has to sit up at the table, and we have a set amount of time for meals. Are those rules also classed as withholding food?

No, it's abusive. The bare minimum is to provide regular meals for a child who is entirely dependent on you. Maybe if you tried treating your 3 year old with respect, he might like doing jobs to help round the house but sadly I suspect he's already learnt to deal with being hungry.

We already "withhold" food by saying if he wants to eat he has to sit up at the table, and we have a set amount of time for meals. Are those rules also classed as withholding food?

No, saying to a 3 year old "we eat at the table" and not letting them take their food to eat on the living room floor for example, is different to "you don't get food if you don't tidy up".

Thanks all, this thread has been really helpful and I guess my main takeaway is to relax and give him a bit more space to decide for himself what to do at his age, which is quite obvious in hindsight! At least it'll be a long time before his partner is posting on here saying he doesn't do his share around the house😂

Special thanks to the people who reminded to take the battle out of things, make it more like a game, role modelling etc. And I will try your idea @Starseeking and @frenchieshouse regarding a tidying song - we already have particular music for bed time and nap time, which works well, and he loves music. I will get him to choose a tidying up song that he likes.

Just some clarifications - feel free to skip

1. no idea why the food thing is so triggering for people. We are 100% against using food as either reward or punishment. As a non food example, I also explained to him that he will get cold if he doesn't wear a coat or shoes in the garden and he was happy to go out without either. That doesn't mean I locked him out until he was freezing and soaked! He only made it 3 steps on the wet grass before coming back in for dry socks.
2. The door mat is beside the dishwasher/sink so it wasn't intended as a punishment, more like you can stay next to the action but not under my feet, and see what we're doing. Otherwise he is like a cat, always in between where you are and where you want to be 😂 . But it still didn't feel right as I was already annoyed hence I was not happy with that.
3. He already usually gets his own stuff out for meals (ie knife/fork/glass/straw) so it didn't seem a big jump to expect him to clear them away again. Same with choosing his clothes for the next day before his bed time story/song, and putting the dirty ones in the washbasket.
4. We do indeed offer him his leftovers at the next meal @TheLurpackYears don't tell me that's an issue too! He always insists "save it for later" when we say the meal is over. But we do also put the next meal out at the same time, and once the food is on the table he eats what he likes. Although we limit how much he serves onto his plate at a time otherwise he would get in first and serve himself e.g. all the pancakes.

We do “we’re a family we help each other”, so I help her tidy her toys and she’ll help by carrying things to the dinner table etc. My 3 yr old at 2 used to like helping empty the dishwasher and load laundry, completely lost interest by 3. I don’t give her chores but I may ask her to fetch something for me or carry something for me. Trying to involve a 3yr old in a chore schedule is a bit much tbh.

no idea why the food thing is so triggering for people. We are 100% against using food as either reward or punishment. As a non food example, I also explained to him that he will get cold if he doesn't wear a coat or shoes in the garden and he was happy to go out without either. That doesn't mean I locked him out until he was freezing and soaked! He only made it 3 steps on the wet grass before coming back in for dry socks.

I think what's happened is you've had a breakdown in logical thought here.

This is the difference.

Offering him a coat and shoes. He says no. You say 'you'll be cold'. You're not withholding his clothes are you? You're simply giving him some good advice/telling him what the factual outcome of his choice will be.

With the food example, you're telling him to do something completely unrelated to whether or not he can have his lunch because unless you literally only own one plate then there is no reason that not tidying his plate will lead to not being able to eat his lunch is there? It's not true that not tidying your plate means you can't eat lunch. You can. You can use another plate. That's not an inevitable, natural consequence of not clearing your plate. It's an arbitrary punishment.

In this example you ARE using food as a punishment. I understand you don't think you are, but you are. Think it through carefully.

Choose not to wear a coat - you'll be cold.

Choose not to eat your dinner - you'll be hungry.

Choose not to clear your plate - there will be a dirty plate on the table at the next meal and eventually you'll run out of plates.

NOT choose not to clear your plate - you can't have any lunch. That's not a natural or true consequence of that behaviour. That's a choice you made because you didn't like the choice he made i.e. you made the choice to withhold food because he disobeyed your instruction to clear the table.

Thanks so much @NuffSaidSam not just for your insight but also taking the time to type it all out in such clear detail. I wanted to reply properly on the computer rather than typing something half baked on my phone.

It all makes perfect sense now and I can clearly see how the reality differs from the impression given by my posting.

Just for the record it was a throwaway line in my post and I regret putting it in - I just wanted to illustrate that I've thought about ways of encouraging him rather than just turning up here expecting the world to solve my problems.

In reality it happened exactly as I wrote it with no intention from my side - I explained it to him, he said he won't have lunch anyway, so I said fine and cleared his stuff off the table (while feeling annoyed). If I remember correctly I then said at the next meal do you want some, he said yes, then I said are you going to load your stuff after, and he said yes, and he did have his food. If he'd have said yes and not cleared them afterwards I would have been annoyed. (so then I would have to think thorough to what my annoyance is telling me)

My style is always to give a chance to make things right as it's never too late. Coldly leaving him upset just to teach a lesson doesn't sound reasonable in any situation. I'm not really trying to "follow through" with consequences but I am not supernanny from the 90s!

It's not really relevant to anyone's point, but regarding the plate on the table, it literally would be in the way. He has exactly the same issue if he's been doing drawing or crafts at the table. The point is, the dishwasher fairy wouldn't be coming every time.

I think having reflected, the issue (as always) is that I was getting annoyed, not that it was anything to do with food. He always responds very accurately to my feelings, regardless of the actual words I use. For example, if I'm annoyed and say "you hit me so I'm moving to the doorway" he will be upset but if I'm not annoyed and say "you hit me so I'm moving to the doorway" he will be fine.

Thanks to everyone who has provided their input and every day I can have a better relationship with my family!

He’s 3, not 13!