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Original poster

Please don't judge

45 replies

Mum01011 · 12/05/2023 19:59

Please no judgement, I am desperate. My 15 year old son has broken our family. I have had years and years of abuse and vile behaviour from my son, since he was little, no diagnosis, cahms refused us years ago. He's gotten worse as he's got older. He's told horrific lies about his male teacher and my brother in law and has now started telling lies about my partner and father to my 2 small children, my partner is that scared of the damage he could cause that he has left our home and taken our baby. He's taken the baby because he's scared of what my teen could do to him. My daughter (5) has cancer, my son does not care. He actually refuses to come home, and when he does turn up he's kicking off. I have begged and begged social services for help, I have begged for temporary Foster care, but they are refusing to do this. Please only reply if you have actual experience with this... if I refuse to take my teen back into my home, will I be arrested? Social services threaten me with abandonment. But I am so desperate I don't know what else to do. My little girl and baby need me. If do get arrested, what will happen next? I feel completely lost to even be thinking like this about my own child but he has ripped my soul from me and I feel its my only option...

OP posts:
Jojobees · 12/05/2023 20:01

I have no experience, but no judgement either.
I really hope someone comes along who can actually help.

Xennellium · 12/05/2023 20:05

Are you in the uk?

Original poster
Mum01011 · 12/05/2023 20:05

Yes

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Xennellium · 12/05/2023 20:08

You can sign your teenager over to the care of the local authority under section 20 of the children act 1989 if you feel that you cannot continue to provide adequate care to him

Xrays · 12/05/2023 20:09

I will admit I have no specific experience of this but why do you think you’ll be arrested? That wouldn’t occur to me at all. I think given the circumstances if social services do take him into care if you refuse to have him home surely that would be the best thing for everyone?

escapingthecity · 12/05/2023 20:10

Is your partner his dad?

flapjackfairy · 12/05/2023 20:12

you need to put your son into care on a section 20 order . That means that you have agreed to it. They will try to fob you off but stay strong and keep reiterating that you have safeguarding concerns and are doing this to keep your other children safe
I am so sorry you are going through this . Soc services will do all they can to stall.you because they most likely have no foster carers who could accommodate him but stand firm. And no you will not be arrested .
Hope your little girl gets well soon x

TeenLifeMum · 12/05/2023 20:13

No helpful advice but no judgment either. I’m so sorry it’s like this for you. How is your 5 yo doing?

I’m guessing you’re speaking with his school? Keep pushing them for help.

flapjackfairy · 12/05/2023 20:13

Ps I am a foster carer so some experience of these kind of situations x

Isthisexpected · 12/05/2023 20:15

I don't have experience sorry but I do know from here just how impossible it can be to get SS to take a teen in these circumstances and I have read of parents being threatened with charges of abandonment for under 16s. When is his birthday?!

Original poster
Mum01011 · 12/05/2023 20:16

They have told me this. They told me while I was at my daughters bedside in hospital, she was very sick with sepsis, and he was kicking off in the hospital because he didn't want to be there. I rang them and begged them to place him foster, they threatened me with abandonment charges

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ghostyslovesheets · 12/05/2023 20:17

Yes - section 20 is the way to go - and they should absolutely consider the needs and safety of your other kids - I work with young people who came into care for the same reasons - it may mean an assessment of you as a family but it wont mean removal of the others - your are safeguarding them and him by removing him from the home

Original poster
Mum01011 · 12/05/2023 20:17

September

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Original poster
Mum01011 · 12/05/2023 20:18

Thank you all so much! I appreciate the kindness.

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Diagonalsleeper · 12/05/2023 20:19

https://frg.org.uk/get-help-and-advice/what/children-in-the-care-system-under-voluntary-arrangements-section-20/#best-practice-and-voluntary-arrangements-(what-should-families-be-able-to-expect-from-children%E2%80%99s-services)

The law, s.20 Children Act 1989, allows someone with parental responsibility to voluntarily place their child into the care of the local authority. This is not abandonment. You should approach your local children's services and request this. You also need to make the point, very firmly, that you are only doing this to safeguard your other children as he poses a risk to them. Also, this...
Under s.20(4) a local authority may provide accommodation for any child within their area (even though a person who has parental responsibility for him is able to provide him with accommodation) if they consider that to do so would safeguard or promote the child’s welfare. He needs support as well. Good luck.

Children in the care system under voluntary arrangements (section 20)

When children are ‘looked after’ by children’s services but no court order is in place, they are described as being in voluntary accommodation.

https://frg.org.uk/get-help-and-advice/what/children-in-the-care-system-under-voluntary-arrangements-section-20#best-practice-and-voluntary-arrangements-(what-should-families-be-able-to-expect-from-children%E2%80%99s-services)

Original poster
Mum01011 · 12/05/2023 20:19

Thank you, so much

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ghostyslovesheets · 12/05/2023 20:19

you could even call the police next time he kicks off - ask them to remove him - they will have to inform SS - then refuse to have him home for your other kids safety

Also if he's going missing report it every time to build up evidence

ghostyslovesheets · 12/05/2023 20:22

And I sympathise - I work within children's services (not a SW) and my own daughter was similar - we even ended up on a CP protection plan at one point - she used to smash the house up, attack me, threaten her young siblings - she has anxiety and probably ASD (refused to engage with CAMHS) - she's now almost 21, at uni, doing well and we have a great relationship - she's fab - she still has her moments! but they are far less dramatic - be kind to yourself - it's a horrible situation

Xennellium · 12/05/2023 20:23

What a horrible situation for you, I'm sorry that the hospital and social services did not support you better in such difficult circumstances. I hope that you get somewhere with the section 20 and you all get to a better place as a family and your LO is ok.

Original poster
Mum01011 · 12/05/2023 20:24

Thank you 💓

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flapjackfairy · 12/05/2023 20:25

They don't want to try to place your son in foster care because it will be v hard to find a placement and they may well have to pay for a v expensive residential placement so they will try to get you to keep him. BUT it sounds like he is a safeguarding risk to the rest of the family so you need to.use that as they have to take safeguarding referrals v seriously. Ring the police every time he gets aggressive and they will contact social services which will give more clout.Refuse to accept him back home because you dont feel safe. Report your concerns to the safeguarding lead at school and get them.to report as well. It is horrible to have to do it I know but you need to leave every bit of leverage you have .
And put in a complaint about the bullying of you when dealing with a sick child to the relevant people in social services . It is disgusting !

cheekyffer · 12/05/2023 20:25

🌹Sending flowers to you and a bump to the thread.

Toastandacupoftea · 12/05/2023 20:25

This sounds awful to deal with. Have you thought about seeing if you can get someone encouraging him to join one of the forces- army/ navy etc? They take on teens from age 16 so he could be moving out and starting there from September and it might give him something to train for and distract- all the fitness tests etc and he'd have accommodation as part of the role. Could be more positive for him and you than ending up in care or sofa surfing. Sorry you're having to deal with so much.

datingdilema1 · 12/05/2023 20:26

Is there anyone else he gets on with like grandma or auntie and they’d be willing to have him if you offered them some financial support? sounds really difficult but I’m wondering if there is some more onto it and some traumatic events that happen to him. he is shouting for attention and help isn’t he.. is he a member of any clubs like scouts etc where maybe he has some good relationships? Perhaps there would be someone he would talk to calmly?

Original poster
Mum01011 · 12/05/2023 20:29

No we literally have nobody to take him. I only have my sister and she can't take him because of the lies he said about her husband. He hasn't suffered any trauma honestly, there is absolutely no reasons for his behaviour that can be explained. I have tried, he has been assessed. Its just all a mess.

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