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Parenting

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Original poster

Please don't judge

45 replies

Mum01011 · 12/05/2023 19:59

Please no judgement, I am desperate. My 15 year old son has broken our family. I have had years and years of abuse and vile behaviour from my son, since he was little, no diagnosis, cahms refused us years ago. He's gotten worse as he's got older. He's told horrific lies about his male teacher and my brother in law and has now started telling lies about my partner and father to my 2 small children, my partner is that scared of the damage he could cause that he has left our home and taken our baby. He's taken the baby because he's scared of what my teen could do to him. My daughter (5) has cancer, my son does not care. He actually refuses to come home, and when he does turn up he's kicking off. I have begged and begged social services for help, I have begged for temporary Foster care, but they are refusing to do this. Please only reply if you have actual experience with this... if I refuse to take my teen back into my home, will I be arrested? Social services threaten me with abandonment. But I am so desperate I don't know what else to do. My little girl and baby need me. If do get arrested, what will happen next? I feel completely lost to even be thinking like this about my own child but he has ripped my soul from me and I feel its my only option...

OP posts:

DyslexicPoster · 12/05/2023 20:30

No first hand experience but it's crossed my mind in the past as I have four kids with SEN so I would never judge. SS will try to threaten you, hence saying abandonment and arrest to scare you off. But you absolutely can do this, it's got to be correctly. You need to say you fear for everyone's safety and you can no longer keep all the kids safe and family have broken down despite you doing everything you could.
Think of it like this, if you had a brake down right now could they insist he went with you to hospital to recover? No of course not. There aren't enough Foster carers so they will push you to your limits and beyound. Make them aware you are pushed to the edge of a cliff and jumping off has become a very real and attractive and only option. I wish you all the best, I really do. Its a hideous situation and God knows we had no help from anyone at all. I was begging family and told "I have work in the morning" ds was in the car hysterical and dh was about to drop him off with the police. Hideous

Original poster

Mum01011 · 12/05/2023 20:30

Tried this. Started him at cadets but after he got his uniform he point blank refused to go. He doesn't want to do it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mum01011 · 12/05/2023 20:33

Oh my god I literally said this to the social worker today!!!. About if I had a breakdown you would take my poorly daughter into care, so why can't you take my son who's causing us all this damage. She just said it doesn't work like that. They don't even speak to me like I'm a human being.

OP posts:

Louoby · 12/05/2023 20:35

Oh what a difficult situation, your two young children need you. I have no advice as I have no idea, but others have given some advice. I wish you and your family the best. X

SleepingStandingUp · 12/05/2023 20:36

Where's his Dad and that side of the family @Mum01011 ?

InTheSinBin · 12/05/2023 20:37

He hasn't suffered any trauma honestly, there is absolutely no reasons for his behaviour that can be explained

I am not judging, OP, and I feel for you - but your 15 yr old has presumably experienced the break-up of his family (as you say your partner is the father of your two younger children) and his half-sister having cancer, which is obviously going to be something that means you're going to be focussing on her (because you don't have any alternative). I wouldn't write him off as having suffered no trauma, but you absolutely need help with the situation.

GoodChat · 12/05/2023 20:40

Does he have any contact with his dad?

ghostyslovesheets · 12/05/2023 20:43

Trauma can be simple - My daughter I think some of it was attachment (I had her sister when she wasn't even 2), and loss - our divorce when she was 7, her youngest sister was only 4moths old, I was a mess, we had to sell the family home etc etc - she definitely felt a lot of loss, change and stress at a young age - plus her dad has an explosive temper which she copied - add to that possible ASD and it was a mess - trauma doesn't have to be something you even notice as a parent

RandomMess · 12/05/2023 20:44

EmmatheStageRat · 12/05/2023 20:45

Mum01011 · 12/05/2023 20:16

They have told me this. They told me while I was at my daughters bedside in hospital, she was very sick with sepsis, and he was kicking off in the hospital because he didn't want to be there. I rang them and begged them to place him foster, they threatened me with abandonment charges

No judgment from me. Adoptive parent here. My elder child sounds as tricky as your DS. As previous posters have replied, you can ‘relinquish’ the care of your child under a Section 20 order. You may be threatened with child abandonment but it is a hollow threat. If you can get through a weekend, then a suggestion may be to phone your DS’s school on Monday to ask them not to allow him to leave at the end of the day because you are not prepared to have him at home.

Sundelight · 12/05/2023 20:53

I feel so sorry for you, I wouldn't even know what to do in that situation. Your son needs help ans I think removing him is the best thing for your family. It must be so hard to have a daughter who is going through cancer and your partner leaving with your baby. I hope things get better for you and you get the support you need

Isthisexpected · 12/05/2023 21:07

I agree he has experienced some adverse childhood experiences that do "count" as traumatic but either way, SS are failing you.

ghostyslovesheets · 12/05/2023 21:14

Actually you've just reminded me - you say his sister has cancer (I'm sorry that must be awful), and he doesn't care - similarly my youngest had encephalitis and my eldest didn't visit her in hospital once in 3 weeks - she came out in a wheelchair and her sister, when in a mood, called her names like Tiny Tim and would say 'I wish you'd died' etc -thing is she DID care - deeply and loves her sister - they are best mates now at 14/21! but she just could not deal with the stress and worry and she doesn't talk - she acts out - like your son. I bet he is really worried

Mariposista · 12/05/2023 21:20

No judgement at all OP. It's a horrible situation, involving 3 vulnerable children, and sadly it is a case of prioritising which vulnerable child takes priority (not a choice anyone wants to make). Sadly, it has to be your sick daughter. At least you have a great partner who is keeping your baby safe.

Original poster

Mum01011 · 12/05/2023 21:55

He honestly doesn't care for her. Or the baby. I could tell you things he's done to them, but I don't feel comfortable posting them here. Police have been involved in some of the more serious things.

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Blossombathing · 12/05/2023 22:10

I see his behaviour as the biggest distress call for help, he sounds in a terrible way. I know it must be difficult to imagine how you can embrace him after all he has done - but that is the only way forward. He needs so much help, love, attention and unconditional love.

He has suffered terribly and it sounds traumatic and frightening. A teen can not manège your emotions op, he is having enough difficulty managing himself.

Original poster

Mum01011 · 12/05/2023 23:27

I'm sorry but he has suffered terribly in no way. He's had a good life and has been raised well and had the best of everything. I don't see why you're assuming he has suffered anything, believe me this is not true at all. Its us as his family that is suffering because of his behaviours and lies.

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Fraaahnces · 12/05/2023 23:31

No judgment but have been the kid who wasn’t protected from the younger but much larger sibling. As a parent I can’t imagine being in your shoes, but you must be so utterly exhausted and you must feel so alone. I’m so sorry that you’re in this position and I hope that putting your foot down with SS helps.

DyslexicPoster · 13/05/2023 10:52

Mum01011 · 12/05/2023 20:33

But it would work like that. If on Monday dd went in and told school she fears for life SS would be negligent to do nothing.

I'd calmly look the sw in the eye and tell them.they have a duty of care whether they like it or not, that is their statatory duty. I must admit I do complain about children with disabilities socail care a lot. All the way to the lgo and they have been ordered to repay me paying for respite. It's really bloody hard but personally I have found children's socail care cause more harm than good and therefore had to put a very firm line down that if they don't follow the laws I will gun for them.

The bottom line for me is i genuinely do not belive they care. It's box ticking and I would disengage myself but ds will need adult socail care. I said to them recently how their actions would look if someone died. It would make headline news not dissimilar to any other case where socail care wasn't doing their job.

AegonT · 13/05/2023 11:51

No judgement on you - so sorry you're going through this.

Lots of judgement on your local social services. How dare they threaten you like that. You are trying to protect your younger children one of whom is seriously ill and the other a helpless baby.

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