Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

A very touchy issue but .... smacking - your views?

73 replies

lollipopmother · 18/02/2008 17:07

I've only just found this 'parenting' forum and I've already fallen upon so many posts where a parent feels really remorseful at smacking their children, and I've seen a fair few on their high-horse about it too. I haven't yet got a child, but I just wonder whether you really can get through everything just by having a star chart!

I only say this because it wasn't that long ago that smacking your kids was no deal at all, and people could see the difference between a smacked bum as a lesson and regular or irregular but severe beatings. My mother smacked me every now and again, not out of anger but because she had done everything else and I was still screaming in her face (for instance!). It didn't even hurt that much it was just the shock, but I knew i'd overstepped the mark when I got a smack when nothing else would do it.

So, does all this Supernanny stuff really work? I am not at any point saying that I'll smack my kids (before you all start trying to burn me at the stake), but I just wonder with the uprise of the youth-culture and links to behavioural issues and crime, does Supernanny time outs and star charts really do what it says on the tin? Do you feel that they work, or is this just the only option you have now that you're instantly labelled an abuser if you smack your child's bottom?

OP posts:
Original poster
lollipopmother · 18/02/2008 17:25

Hercules - managing/coping doesn't mean that you're any good at it though. I don't see a problem with reading up on parenting, you're given endless leaflets and booklets and classes on how to deal with the labour, I'm sure loads of people 'manage' without the information too, but what about parenting? Are you saying that it's only important to know what you're doing when you're pushing it out, but all the years after are fine to just go along as you fancy, when really there could be some great tips out there in books? And is that not why MN was set up in the first place, for help with all things kids?!

OP posts:
MrsMattie · 18/02/2008 17:25

I have to say - I think 'planned smacking' is weird. I confess to having smacked my son a few times out of anger, and I admit it is shabby behaviour, but planning to inflict physical pain on your child. That's just...odd. A smack is a smack. There is no right way of doing it.

hercules1 · 18/02/2008 17:27

Well, yes, I am pretty much saying it's fine to push it out and then do the rest as you fancy. I think mumsnet is totally different to reading a book.

NorthernLurker · 18/02/2008 17:29

has this thing kicked off yet?

onebatmother · 18/02/2008 17:32
MrsMattie · 18/02/2008 17:32

lol@hercules.

I wish I'd never picked up a parenting book. Load of old pony. Mke it up as you along, I say.

Original poster
lollipopmother · 18/02/2008 17:35

Northernlerker - No not really, I've just been advised not to bother with buying any parenting books and that parenting will be a breeze. Obviously this isn't the feeling that I got from reading MN topics at all, but I suppose I was just worrying for nothing and it will all come to me when it's needed.

OP posts:
MrsMattie · 18/02/2008 17:38

It's not a breeze, but I think what all of us wizened old crones are trying to say is - parenting manuals don't necessarily help. Often, they just fill your head with lots of conflicting advice and end up confusing you even more. Or - and this is much worse in my opinion - they set up you up for failure. If you don't do X, Y & Z as advised in Such-and-Such parenting book, you have failed. becoming a happy, confident parent is about getting to know your child and trusting your on instincts. there is nothing wrong with seeking help and advice - but take it all with a big pinch of salt. Gina Ford doesn't know you and your baby as well as you do.

PortAndLemon · 18/02/2008 17:39

I suspect that if you ran the figures about "the uprise of the youth-culture and links to behavioural issues and crime" you'd find that, insofar as there was any statistically significant link to parenting styles, the common factor would be a lack of any consistent parental attitude to or interest in behaviour and discipline, rather than a host of parents trailing round after their children with star charts.

My MIL works in community safety and crime prevention and is involved in a number of youth crime prevention programmes. The children most "at risk" of becoming recurring offenders generally receive no parenting to speak of -- many aren't even fed properly. Their problem is not that their parents use time-outs rather than smacking them.

Life also isn't a two-way choice between hitting your child and Supernannying them; there are other approaches.

For the record, we don't smack, and I am now fairly confident that we won't ever do it (was always ideologically opposed in principle, but have now negotiated enough moments of ... umm ... interest where I have thought to myself "this would be so much simpler if I could just smack you" that I'm now pretty sure I can stick to my convictions).

MrsMattie · 18/02/2008 17:39

Christ, my typing is shite today. Sorry. Hopefully you can make some sense of my garbled rantings.

littlelapin · 18/02/2008 17:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Quattrocento · 18/02/2008 17:39

LL, I don't think this one's a journo.

She seems to have problems with the plural forms of verbs. Also some verbs seem to take both the singular and the plural form in the same sentence - viz

"does Supernanny time outs and star charts really do what it says on the tin?"

Also the metaphors are a bit muddled. Not mixed, just muddled. I mean you can put a star chart in a tin if you roll it up very small, but I don't think you can put a time-out in a tin.

It might be common or garden trolling, of course.

NorthernLurker · 18/02/2008 17:40

thing is - when it's all kicking off with your baby/child, you don't have time to read a book - you just have to get on and deal with it. You can read the books in advance but you'll never remember it - and anyway there is no one book that has all the answers that will apply in all situations and tell you exactly what to do. That's what your mil is for

RubySlippers · 18/02/2008 17:41

Lollipop - why is this the issue that is niggling away at you?

littlelapin · 18/02/2008 17:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NorthernLurker · 18/02/2008 17:43

Quattro - The combination of mixed metaphors and dodgy verbs doesn't add up to the OP not being a journalist in my view - but it is concrete evidence that she isn't a sub-editor!

MrsMattie · 18/02/2008 17:45

Read my last post. I am a journalist. Doesn't mean I can ackshually write proper English, like.

littlelapin · 18/02/2008 17:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Quattrocento · 18/02/2008 17:47

You'd be at it like a rabbit, LL

MrsMattie · 18/02/2008 17:48

They're the best in the business, those tabloid subs@lapin.

Quattrocento · 18/02/2008 17:50

I thought you were glorying in being a sloppy sahm, mrs mattie? Were you a journo in a previous life?

littlelapin · 18/02/2008 17:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hercules1 · 18/02/2008 17:51

Who said it was a breeze??

MrsMattie · 18/02/2008 17:52

Yes@Quattro. Full time until 3 years ago, freelance until last year. Am training to be an antenatal teacher now, in between pretending to write a novel and living on MN

MrsMattie · 18/02/2008 17:53

You're a natural@lapin