I'm not able for this

[Bettydog]

I've just spent another morning shouting at my children. I shout all the time. I'm hurting and damaging my children because I can't control my stress or emotions. The house is a tip, we're drowning in debt, one of my daughters has an anxiety proble I think I'm causing. After every shouting session I'm consumed with guilt and remorse and depression but I keep doing it. I should have never had children because I clearly can't do it. How do I stop ruining my girls' lives?

Pick one thing at a time to deal with. Can you get help with the debt first? See if you can ring a debt helpline. Then maybe just tidy one room. You're not ruining your children's lives. You're just stressed. Maybe put a thread on the money section to see if you can get more advice on the debt.

Thanks. That made me feel a bit better. I'm going to tidy the kitchen. I work from home so I should be able to manage that. I just feel so overwhelmed all the time.

How old are your children?

Have you got any help?

would you consider seeing your Gp for some meds maybe?

Just to say always remember your children did not ask to be here you decided to have them and bring them into the world

strictly speaking it’s also not their job to keep your house tidy or tip toe around you to appease you

did you have a parent who shouted and screamed? How did that make you feel?

Why are you like this on a morning? Are you tired? Are you going to bed late? Can you organise things thd night before?

At least you have posted here

I beg you stop taking your anger out on your children you need to apologise to them when they get home - explain you have not been feeling well and that it is wrong for you to shout

please seek outside help

And if your chores are mounting up

don’t even think about where to start

look at your clock and go ‘right I’ve got twenty minutes’ then bam just go and do stuff. You’d be surprised what you can achieve in that time

My children are 6 and 4. They're so small. I apologise all the time but stilldo it. I know they didn't ask to be born, they just pulled the short straw and got me. I really, really love them but I'm fucking it all up.

My husband works long irregular hours. Even if he's home, the kids want me to do everything. Everything is 'mommy do it'.

Little children are hard work and frustrating so once you understand that then you can deal with them, what are you shouting over?

That’s because your kids love you and they like you

You need to relax more and look at your life and I’m wondering if you get any me time? Do you and your husband go out on dates?

Can you afford a cleaner? (Total game changer)

What type of things are your children wanting? can you be more specific in the things they are doing?

If it’s snacks - have a little snack table set out, bowls with crisps/ fruit/breadsticks etc

if you need a hand with tidying offer a treat in return for 5 mins of tidying - set a timer - tidying up can be fun

I feel you I’m here too, it’s relentless cycle of guilt and shame.

I feel so triggered by whinging and moaning and the demanding and the ‘mummy mummy’ of it all. Wednesday night I decided I’m making a change this is on me, this is for me to solve this is all in my control.

ive started to read the 1-2-3 magic method, I’ve started the book last night. I’m hoping by taking my emotion out of it, I can stop their triggering behaviours - by no way am I blaming my children but we’re stuck in a cycle of that’s the only way they will get attention so that’s what they do all the time. I don’t know how we got here but I know we need to try different things to change it.

so take a step back, what are your trigger for being a shouty mum? Work on those first. Then tackle the house and the debt.

Nothing. I'm shouting over nothing. Little things that don't warrant shouting. And I hate myself for it.

So you are projecting your issues onto your children

Either see the Dr or take a long hard look at your life - you are being very vague here

Why are you so unhappy?

You're stressed and overwhelmed. You need some space and something for you - it makes a huge difference.
Do you get time off to do things that nourish you, OP?

My husband and I are like strabgers living in the same house.

Strangers even.

Ok well that is a huge issue op

You said it right there

life doesn’t have to be this hard

do you love him? Do you want to stay together?

is he happy? When did it all go wrong

You have identified you are not behaving like you want to, so that is a start. Life stresses have a way of absolutely hijacking every part of our lives.

As a pp said do one thing at a time and while you are doing it try something to stop your head racing as I bet it is.

Music on while you tidy etc. Make a game of it with the children.

Then try tomorrow catching yourself shouting, stop count to three, take a couple of big deep breaths go make a cuppa, run to the toilet and run your wrists under water whatever works for you to break the cycle. I sing 80s songs badly, it's annoying to the children but stops me yelling. Go back and lower your voice and adjust tone and then congratulate yourself on navigating this time. Noone is perfect but parents working on improving is so important for children to see.

Then sit down with your partner and write down all the day to day worries. And then tackle them one by one together. It won't make them go away but I can promise you the act of actually talking and then getting support to sort them one at a time will help the stress they cause.

We can't sadly control what life throws at us but we can help ourselves manage our reactions.

Oh and the most important one, I have a boxing bag in our garage which most evenings I knock seven shades of out of. 😜

You have tipped over where everything irritates you, it happens to us all at times.

When your husband is home do you do anything without the children?

A child as young as 4 or 6 (you don't say which) has diagnosable anxiety? Yes, your behaviour is causing it, what else do they have to worry about? I won't sugar coat this for you OP, you're behaviour is unnacceptable and is emotional abuse. Children should not have to grow up in a shouting household. They will also over time become completely immune to it and then what will you do when you need to raise your voice because of dangerous behaviour?

She has a kind of health anxiety over germs, things going in her mouth and poisoning her, glass or insects in her bed. She starts play therapy next week.

Money. We have none. He lost his job and although he's back working we're in a big hole. All he does is work and sleep. He's like a zombie trying to get us out of debt.

Oh poor girl I hope her play therapy works out its usually successful ime. Your life just sounds stressful and exhausting.

There are organisations that help with debt, use them.

Sorry you’re having a tough time. You’re not shouting over nothing exactly. The problem is that a person can only deal with so much stress/worry. You’re so filled up with stress and worry about big things that one small thing (like not being able to find your keys) just tips you over the edge. I was in a similar place (losing my temper/snapping a lot) after a bereavement when I saw someone called the Psychology Mum (Dr Emma Hepburn) on that Morning Live show. I followed her on instagram and then got one of her books that has some exercises to do - it really helped me and I feel much more like my normal self (even though the underlying issue is obviously still there).

As for the money issue, maybe speak to a debt charity like step change. Maybe they can help you - even if it’s just asking for payment holidays or a revised payment plan.

Ok, big breaths
you’re stressed and having a bad time, it’s ok not to be ok
you’re recognising things are not going well and reaching out for help - so you’re already doing something fantastic here
lets take it one at the time, you need:
clear debt
tidy house
time to yourself

take 10 mins mental break - go out to the garden/walk round the block, shout scream, cry, let it out - no excuses, go!

House, one thing at the time, take a couple of big boxes/ shopping bags / bin bags
one room at the time, anything to be binned, goes in bin, anything doesn’t belong in that room goes in the box/shopping bag - deal with that later - once your house looks tidy you can deal with the boxes/bags of things that need to be put in it’s place, but at least it’s tidy

debt - that’s a big one, reach out to a debt advisor and everyone you owe money and get plans, don’t let things get worse

time for you - that’s a big one with young kids - worse come to the worse make 30 mins every evening “mum time” where they are allowed to watch TV and that’s your time where you unashamedly do nothing- extra points if you get your DH to stay at home while you go out, even if for a walk

enrol friends and family to help with the kids - grandparent wanting to get the girls to the park? The kids want you because they love you, and that’s lovely, but exhausting- make time for you

While obviously it’s essential to address the shouting long term (and the stress that’s causing it), one of the most important things is for kids to see that parents can admit they’re wrong, and this is something you can address immediately. Shouting isn’t ideal, but we all do it sometimes - parenting is bloody hard! but if you can make sure that you sit the kids down afterwards and say ‘i’m feeling very tired and a bit sad today, but i shouldn’t have shouted at you and that was unkind and unfair. And i’m really sorry’ and give them a hug, this will go a long way to helping mitigate things. It’s really helpful for kids to see their parents apologising and acknowledging that they were in the wrong.