I’m so trapped and I can’t stop crying

[ShamefulNameChange1]

I have 2 dc’s - 10yo and 7yo. 7yo has quite severe ADHD, 10yo isn’t diagnosed with anything but is a very odd child. I’m so exhausted. I don’t know what is wrong with them or even if there is anything wrong with them and I’m just a terrible parent. I feel like I am a puppet master. Unless I specify every single action they do they won’t do anything other than fight.

For example - I take them to trampolining today. Leaving the house I say “let’s get ready to go” and they both go and stand by the back door. I ask them both to have a think about what they need to do so that we can leave the house. Ds2 decides to have a wee and walk out to the car in his socks. I say “you’ll need to put shoes on”. He puts his school shoes on. I tell him to look at what he’s wearing, think about where we’re going and think whether they’re the right shoes. He takes his school shoes off and walks out to the car in his socks again. Similar for ds1 but it’s brushing hair, getting glasses, realising he needs a wee once he’s in the car and strapped in. We get to trampolining and I hadn’t specifically said to watch out for the car next to us so dc2 swings car door open and bashes it into car next to us. Ds1 is wandering across the carpark nearly getting run over. I’ll say “tuck in” and he’ll tuck in but then 5 seconds later wander into the road again. At trampolining ds1 comes up to me without his glasses on. I ask where they are he said they fell off and he didn’t think to pick them up. I find them but the arms are snapped as he left them in the middle of a trampoline. Dc2 asks for a snack. I give him £1 to get something from the vending machine. He wanders around holding the pound then comes back to me and asks if I’ve bought him a snack.

I’m so exhausted. It’s like this with everything. All the time. I’ll make breakfast and I’ll literally have to instruct them to pick up, bite and swallow each mouthful or they’ll just sit there staring into space or chatting.

They’re both intelligent boys. Dc1 passed his 11+ for a very exclusive grammar with little tuition. He reads constantly and at the level of a 16yo. Dc2 is doing almost gcse level maths and is left to read in class most of the time as he knows everything that’s being taught as he loves nonfiction books. But I can’t see a tone when they’re ever going to be able to live or function independently. I can’t get a job as neither of them can cope with wrap around care. Neither of them have any friends but don’t seem concerned about it at all. Dc2 has been banned from pretty much every club I’ve taken him to as he thinks he knows better than the teacher and simply won’t do as he’s told. Dc1 does a couple of clubs but doesn’t enjoy them or excel at them, he only does them because I make him.

They’re happy to read/ play screens but nothing else at all. I’m so tired having to think for 3 of us all of the time. I love them dearly but I’m starting to resent them so much. I’m completely trapped as they both need me so much. I’ve had them both assesssed privately and through the NHS. Dc2 has some extra provisions made for him at school - allowed to leave class and go to the library if he’s overwhelmed, fidget toys etc. Dc1 has no diagnosis for anything and doesn’t fit any boxes for being typically ND.

Has anyone else had anything like this? I keep thinking as they get older it will get better and it just doesn’t. If I didn’t tell them what to do they’d literally sit there staring at the walls until I gave them instructions. It’s such a miserable existence for all of us.

That sounds challenging for you, though your boys both sound lovely!

One of ours is like this in a milder way and also very bright academically, and that in itself is exhausting!

No magic answers, but I would recommend joining/looking at PPUK (for bright kids), and researching 2e kids (stands for twice exceptional - ie gifted plus other challenges eg ADHD. Helpful for strategies, ideas, activities and finding others who understand.

So this how men get the way they are. I was just on a thread about men who can’t do anything for themselves leaving their wife to pick up 99% of running their lives, and this is enlightening.

It’s a tough one as if you continue to do their lives they will never learn to do it and become the above men, but you can’t really not do it at this age.

No advice but I feel your pain.

Sounds just like my 13yo dd who's awaiting an ADHD assessment, it really is exhausting and relentless

Eithe you need to teach them to do these things because something is clearly not adding up. - use a visual chart or do one step reminders then move up to two step reminders.

Or if they genuinely can't manage it due to their needs accept they need the support and support then.

It's not as simple as they need to do it because they are X age. They either need to be taught or supported

Oh god op I can completely relate. Mine are alittle younger but one of them has autism and it is bloody hard. They don't do anything I tell them until I have repeated myself numerous times, followed with a stern voice to which they then tell me off for shouting! Apparently changing the tone of your voice is Mummy shouting.

Today they have done nothing but fight, winge, cry and make so much noise impatiently whining . It has gotten to the point that i had to put an earbud in one ear with music on to keep me sane, don't know if you've tried it but it works block some of it out at least!
This evening I am sitting and can't even bear to put the TV on; I just need silence!
I feel drained and tired before I even leave the house with them. It doesn't help I have no child support and me and dh get no time together as a couple. In the evenings we're just spent. I really miss the freedom of just spontaneously leaving the house with nobody else to think about, especially in the evening with dh.
I feel like such a shit Mum today.

Op I don't have any advice but just wanted to say you're not alone. We are all just trying to get by in what ever way we can. It is okay to not be okay!

Try getting them to make lists of what needs to be done eg getting up and geting ready for school, and pin up where they can be seen. Stop giving instructions apart from telling them to check list. And let them experience the consequences if they don't do everything properly, eg losing pocket money to pay for spectacle repair.

It is really hard being a parent when there is SEN involved
People don’t understand unless they are in the same situation so don’t let any unhelpful comments on here get to you

Sounds like my boys both have ADHD.. very clear simple instructions one at a time..

Mostly they will forget as they don't feel it's important enough to them.

You have to roll with it, and try not to let it get to you (and get sports straps for the glasses)

Things improved at school when they started medication .

We are a family of white boards, check lists and Google reminders found smart watches helpful as well :)

It's incredibly frustrating as neither of my boys much care about consequences for actions. But I do feel that heading into mid teens things seem to be improving.

You might have been told about this already, but PECs are brilliant. Pictures and times and schedules can be done on them for every aspect of their lives. Set up a board in their rooms or by the front door with everything they need to do. Just as a visual reminder for them. It'll take a bit (just a bit) of strain off your shoulders I think. GL!

A lot of sympathy here, I have similar challenges with my DC.
I went to a council-run parenting course for people with autistic and ADHD kids that really helped. Have you tried anything like this? There are also some great books, and often local FB groups of unjudgmental parents who have been in your shoes.

Something I had to change, and see you are doing a lot of is prompting them to think about next steps (e.g. "what shoes do you think are appropriate" etc). This can work really well for some kids but for many neurodiverse kids can cause stress, overwhelm or demand avoidance.

Instead of getting your youngest to work through each time what is needed (very high demands on executive function, which is hard for ADHD kids), independence for him could look like mastering a pre-set routine.
Could the two or three of you work through a standard school day and weekend routine that they can then be in charge of? Once agreed, you can make a visual board. We have a whiteboard with some laminated pictures for daily routine plus a week planner. Others use physical routine charts where they fold something down or cross off when it's done. Once he's got the hang of a routine, it can be easier to work on alterations and think through the logic.

Also, pick your battles. Does it really matter if he was wearing school shoes, when he was going to take them off at the trampoline centre anyway? My autistic child likes clothes that are familiar, sort and tighter fitting. Recently this meant he went to a family birthday party wearing an old football kit that's a size too small. Once I would have been embarrassed or made him change - now I realise the important thing for my relative is that we were all there, and showed up feeling happy and calm to help them enjoy the day.

Thanks so much for the support, it’s so great to hear I’m not alone in this. I’ve put
up notes as reminders all round the house -
in the bathroom “have you flushed the loo? Have you washed your hands?” Etc. It works for a couple of weeks and then they become blind to it again and I have to verbally remit them again. There’s just zero progress with anything and it makes me want to scream.

wow, rolls eyes, not helpful in this thread!

Ignore posts like that one @ShamefulNameChange1

I have children on the spectrum and it is hard draining work. I still have to lay out clothes daily for my 11 year old and give single one at a time instructions. My 25 year old is a bit easier as there's no longer any rushing around for school etc.

I have spent years moaning about wearing jogging bottoms outside the house to my eldest, he learnt that at home he could wear them when going out he had to change and we compromised on the fact he will wear black jeans. Youngest is having none of it, it's school trousers to school then jogging bottoms, hates all other trousers especially jeans or chinos. I've had to give up the fight for my own sanity, he is obsessed with wearing just black clothes and doesn't care if he wears his school shoes all the time. To him the school shoes are the comfiest, worn in and just feel right. (I dread new shoes time, takes him ages to adjust to them). It is about choosing your battles and I don't envy you at all, for me there are larger gaps between my children, but that also means it feels like I have been 'parenting' forever.

Visual boards never really worked for us, just consistent routine and me prompting. Getting ready to go somewhere happened in the living room, clothes laid out to get dressed, school bag there too, so it was all at hand for me to over see and just prompt. Otherwise, they'd head up the stairs, get waylaid by the fascinating carpet on the way to the bedroom to get dressed, or they'd make the bedroom and then get so engrossed in something else ten minutes of me getting myself ready without continuous prompts would find me at the door and them still in their boxers.

I wonder if maybe you need to claim DLA for them and then claim Carers Allowance, its something to think about.

This sounds so frustrating. Notes all around the house are unlikely to help, as you say we all get blind to these after a while, and it's also a lot of visual clutter which can be annoying/overwhelming.

Instead it's about picking fewer things and focussing on those first. You can't fight every battle at once, you'll all give up. If mornings are your biggest problem them set up a visual chart (not visual reminders) and be really really really consistent about that for a month. It can help to associate it with a standard prompt e.g as soon as you get up, you do a wee, then brush your teeth, then make your bed before you eat. Or maybe put something nice at the end - like, if you've got your bag ready, clothes and shoes on by a certain time, you can watch an episode of something you like on TV.

It might mean you have to leave things be that you ideally wouldn't. This is where it helps to have parents in the same boat, who understand that you're not focussing on table manners at dinner because your first priority is to get evening toothbrushing or reading happening, or you've prioritised that for now.

It sounds like it could really help for you to find some parent groups, or some good books, or if you have the funds, to talk with an ADHD child psych / ed psych who could help you sort out your goals and put them in place.

@Boopydoo
We have this same problem with school shoes, you have probably already tried this but adidas do school shoes which are basically trainers disguised as school shoes all black and they have been a hit with my little boy and took no time at all to wear in.

'trainers disguised as school shoes all black and they have been a hit with my little boy and took no time at all to wear in.'

Try Asda too, my little boy who has SPD loves them for school, they are so comfortable, cushioned and look like more of a bulkier shoe, so also suitable to wear on none school days. He says they're like walking on marshmallow clouds😂

What have their teachers said about school? How are they at lunch time etc? Do they need constant instruction at school.

I have a dc with autism, it was quite similar and extremely exhausting so I really feel for you.

To be honest, your day doesn’t sound too different to a day out with my kids and only one of them has any sort of additional needs. Kids wander, lose things, don’t get themselves ready - very frustrating but not unusual.

See if there are any parenting lessons that u could enrol on.

Hi, you spund like you're at the end of your tether! I have 3 with varying needs all linked to austism/ potentially adhd, and it is tiring. One thing we do thats helped is scaffolding- do everything except the last step of the thing. So with your vending machine example, I would go with my child to the machine, we would look together, I would give her the £1, show her what number to type and where to put the money then she would do the pressing the number and the money part, and take the snack out of the machine.
Shoes- as long as my kids are wearing shoes (or in summer, as long as they have shoes in their hands to take in the car) I count it as a win. Lists can help, but questions are too much and trigger demand avoidance and anxiety in my house- my kids are nearly 11, 8 and 6. I do a lot more for them than I ever expected I would need to (I still dress my youngest most days, and my eldest still needs prompting with what clothes are needed/ bags/ coats/ to put on socks etc). But, I figure this is the stage they are at, and its only more stress if I try to push them too far beyond where they are at the moment. I agree with a PP about DLA and Carers Allowance.

They can and will make progress, it's just harder for them than other children (I'm assuming your DC1 is probably also ND). My 12yo DD has autism, sensory issues and coordination issues, and she's also highly intelligent like your two. She's just learnt to wash her own hair this year using a combination of strategies including written instructions taped to the shower screen, a mirror in the shower and watching videos online. She's not 100% on road safety but is improving. She hasn't slammed her car door into another car for a long time.

I wonder if your boys might find visual instructions better than post it notes? Like pictures of socks, shoes, coat, glasses and bag stuck to the front door.

Not seen these no, but he loves adidas so they would instantly be a hit I'm sure! Will go take a look. Thank you.

Do you claim carers allowance and have you had a carers assessment done. Can you employ someone to PA a little for you at £13 per hour.
My intelligent 19 year old son has A Levels in 2 weeks and I still had to cover his nostril to show him how to blow his nose. No one unless they are in our shoes has any idea. His idea of asthma coping is to stick his head out of a window and not reach for an inhaler.

You need to push for diagnosis, meds and more support with strategies and coping mechanisms.

My 11 year old has adhd and autism and uneducated behaves just like this. It is exhausting. He just had a weekend off meds as I was having issues with the prescription and omg - I had forgotten just how hard it could be. Medication, for him, was revolutionary. Without it he's still disorganised and strugglesnwith social cues, but he responds to prompts, can control his impulses, can take a moment to think something through before he acts.

I strongly strongly urge you to keep pushing for your boys' sakes and for yourself.

Jesus, OP. That sounds utterly infuriating and exhausting. I’m sorry.

What do their teachers say they are like at school? I used to teach and regularly had parents say their child needed help for things such as getting dressed, but they didn't seem to have any trouble getting dressed at school. My son is similar, at home he needs explicit instructions for absolutely every step of every task, but at school he copes better. Possibly tiredness exacerbating it at home