I’m so trapped and I can’t stop crying

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I have 2 dc’s - 10yo and 7yo. 7yo has quite severe ADHD, 10yo isn’t diagnosed with anything but is a very odd child. I’m so exhausted. I don’t know what is wrong with them or even if there is anything wrong with them and I’m just a terrible parent. I feel like I am a puppet master. Unless I specify every single action they do they won’t do anything other than fight.

For example - I take them to trampolining today. Leaving the house I say “let’s get ready to go” and they both go and stand by the back door. I ask them both to have a think about what they need to do so that we can leave the house. Ds2 decides to have a wee and walk out to the car in his socks. I say “you’ll need to put shoes on”. He puts his school shoes on. I tell him to look at what he’s wearing, think about where we’re going and think whether they’re the right shoes. He takes his school shoes off and walks out to the car in his socks again. Similar for ds1 but it’s brushing hair, getting glasses, realising he needs a wee once he’s in the car and strapped in. We get to trampolining and I hadn’t specifically said to watch out for the car next to us so dc2 swings car door open and bashes it into car next to us. Ds1 is wandering across the carpark nearly getting run over. I’ll say “tuck in” and he’ll tuck in but then 5 seconds later wander into the road again. At trampolining ds1 comes up to me without his glasses on. I ask where they are he said they fell off and he didn’t think to pick them up. I find them but the arms are snapped as he left them in the middle of a trampoline. Dc2 asks for a snack. I give him £1 to get something from the vending machine. He wanders around holding the pound then comes back to me and asks if I’ve bought him a snack.

I’m so exhausted. It’s like this with everything. All the time. I’ll make breakfast and I’ll literally have to instruct them to pick up, bite and swallow each mouthful or they’ll just sit there staring into space or chatting.

They’re both intelligent boys. Dc1 passed his 11+ for a very exclusive grammar with little tuition. He reads constantly and at the level of a 16yo. Dc2 is doing almost gcse level maths and is left to read in class most of the time as he knows everything that’s being taught as he loves nonfiction books. But I can’t see a tone when they’re ever going to be able to live or function independently. I can’t get a job as neither of them can cope with wrap around care. Neither of them have any friends but don’t seem concerned about it at all. Dc2 has been banned from pretty much every club I’ve taken him to as he thinks he knows better than the teacher and simply won’t do as he’s told. Dc1 does a couple of clubs but doesn’t enjoy them or excel at them, he only does them because I make him.

They’re happy to read/ play screens but nothing else at all. I’m so tired having to think for 3 of us all of the time. I love them dearly but I’m starting to resent them so much. I’m completely trapped as they both need me so much. I’ve had them both assesssed privately and through the NHS. Dc2 has some extra provisions made for him at school - allowed to leave class and go to the library if he’s overwhelmed, fidget toys etc. Dc1 has no diagnosis for anything and doesn’t fit any boxes for being typically ND.

Has anyone else had anything like this? I keep thinking as they get older it will get better and it just doesn’t. If I didn’t tell them what to do they’d literally sit there staring at the walls until I gave them instructions. It’s such a miserable existence for all of us.

Dc1’s teacher is incredibly patient with him and says he’s pretty forgetful and unorganised but that it’s usually manageable. The only time it wasn’t was when the class had swimming lessons and dc1 simply couldn’t get himself changed into his swimmers before the lesson was over. It was meaning than none of the class could go in so he had to end up missing out on the swimming lessons. His teacher wants to get some kind of plan together for him as he’s starting secondary school in September and there’s no way he’ll find his way to his classes on his own. I also have no idea how I’m going to get him there as there’s no way he could walk to the bus stop alone (completely blind to traffic) but I also need to get dc2 to primary school at the same time in the opposite direction. 🤯😭

@Anoisagusaris I’ve never met another NT 10yo incapable of eating a single meal unless being instructed to scoop food, put in mouth, chew, swallow then repeat until the food is gone or he simply won’t eat for days. I’ve never met a 7yo who will stand in a shower, not washing themselves for over an hour and only remember why he’s in there when the water runs cold. Then walk out of the shower and try and get straight into bed naked and soaking wet and crying because he can’t understand why it doesn’t feel dry and warm like hsu.

You sound like a good parent. They sound very academically intelligent but with challenges in other areas. There is an organisation called Potential Plus with a website and an active Facebook group. It is for all parents of children with exceptional intelligence but a good proportion of the post are about children they call "dual exceptional" who are very ahead academically but challenged in other areas often with autism or ADHD.

It's quite obvious that you are not a "terrible parent", I think you are just feeling exhausted amd suffocated because you are doi g a job that you didnt really sign up for. Only one of my kids has similar SEN and i find it hard to cope. If I had two (it sounds like you do) I would not cope. You have my respect, you are managing a VERY challenging situation, be kind to yourself.

I am mainly here for the useful advice I'm afraid!

I have a child that had similar issues but is much more independent now so can tell you what worked for me.
It is an executive function issue with multi step tasks so charts with the sequence of tasks they need to do on perhaps stuck on with post its that are taken off after each step are really useful. It sounds like its a pretty severe difficulty so just asking them what they think they need to do to get ready is probably impossible for them at the moment. I would start with something that is done every day so maybe getting ready for school and split it up into individual tasks and having them check and remove each task as it’s done. You can break it down as much as needed. Some kids may be fine with get dressed and others might need the items of clothing listed they need to take off and put on. You’ll probably find you need to do it with them for a good while but once it becomes habit they will do it more and more independently. You could use something similar for the shower maybe laminated?
As for things like using the vending machine I would role play that kind of thing regularly. You can pretend to buy something going through the steps - first I put my coin in the slot, then I choose my snack, then I type the number in and just practice as much as you can and let them have a go at the machine each time with you supporting as necessary. Again with lots of practice you will likely be able to wean off the support.
I would really want to clamp down on following (reasonable) teacher instructions as well as this is going to cause problems down the line. How is your child with consequences such as having screen time removed? I found with mine that we needed to be extra consistent and it took a good while for them to make the connection between the behaviour and the consequence but glad that we persevered as they are extremely well behaved now which is easier for everyone.
My child also takes themselves to and from school which I didn’t think would be ever possible. Again it was just practice, practice and more practice. First getting them just to stop at every road, then getting them to look both ways but check with me before they stepped out and finally they were able to do it all themselves.
Hope some of this is useful. It’s hard to see your kids being unable to do stuff that comes so easily to others the same age but it sounds like they have significant strengths in other areas too!