Am I being paranoid

[LondonMum1979A]

I’ll keep it short.
Yesterday took DD who is 5 to all-class party.
She’s particularly close to one girl and I like her Mum.
However, yesterday this little girl decided not just to leave my DD out but actively tell her to ‘go away’.
This obviously upset DD who said she wanted to leave. I tried to encourage her to stay and play with others but she was adamant and TBH I didn’t blame her.

While I was trying to talk her round other little girl’s Mum asked what was wrong and I hold my hands up I was maybe a little dismissive and didn’t want to cause her scene.
She asked my DD directly if she should talk to her daughter on her behalf but I interjected and said not to worry. I don’t want DD or anyone else to have to beg people to be nice to her.
So we left. I since messaged this Mum a few times explaining that my DD was upset at being left out and that in turn had upset me but she’s not replied at all despite me saying that I hoped I’d not offended her.
I don’t want any ill feeling but can’t help thinking she’s either just ignoring me or is really annoyed with me.

I probably will see her at drop off tomorrow but don’t want any issues.
Any ideas?

You leaving the party because of one other child's behaviour was not a good example to your daughter. It's emotional manipulating the other girl making her responsible for your child's happiness.

I'd reframe it with your DD (and in your own mind). You left because your DD was unhappy. Framing it that way helps you see that there is nothing to apologise for, or be offended by, with the child's mum

She already knows that and I doubt the other mum told her child we’d left because of her who would do that?!
I was doing no such thing as far as I’m aware the other child was oblivious. I just wasn’t prepared for my child to be unhappy and worried that she’d done something wrong.
it was exactly why I didn’t want the other mum to ask her DD to play with mine.

And I’ve tried to explain and make sure no offence has been caused.
My DD can she shy and the last thing I want to turn her into is a people pleaser or feel like she has to stay in a situation that makes her sad or uncomfortable.

So you didn’t want the mum involved at the party and said it was all fine, but messaged her not once but several times afterwards saying you were both upset. I’m not sure I’d know how to respond to that either.

You should really try not to get involved in kids fall outs, they will be friends by 9am tomorrow, yet it’s now awkward between you and the other mum.

I since messaged this Mum a few times explaining that my DD was upset at being left out and that in turn had upset me

Great that the children don't realise. This is doing that same blame-game with the mum. im not surprised shes not replied. You may have said you hoped she wasn't offended, but that's akin to "Sorry, not sorry".

it wasn't the other parents responsibility to manage your daughters upset or your subsequent upset.

I'd just leave it. Pretend like it didn't happen and move on. They'll be back to how they were within a few days.

Yet you seemed to expect "people pleasing" behaviour (I wouldn't use that phrasing regarding little kids) from the other girl?

It's not the other girl's responsibility to please your DD by playing with her all of the time. Or to feel bad when she doesnt want to. Neither is it the child's mothers responsibility to apologise (was that your aim with the messages?) for her child exerting herself.

no it wasn’t my aim at all I’m sure my DD has been utterly vile to other kids and I’ve not known about it.
I was asking for an apology at all. Nothing to apologise for is there? I was explaining my position and why we left and if anything didn’t want her to feel bad

I also said that I hoped I’d not offended her by leaving in fact I have gone above and beyond to apologise if she thought I was offended I was not I just didn’t like my DD being upset which I don’t think it a crime is it?

You've blown this into a massively huge issue by leaving and the multiple messages. I'd also be seriously passed off as a party host if I'd paid for your dad's place for her to leave. I think you you to focus on coping skills eg. joining another group/game

Thanks that really helps! The host was not pissed off in the slightest. It was a whole clas party and I be hosted many of these and wouldn’t have been if it had been ours.
Glad you’re all doing such a marvellous job of parenting and a better one than me

Just leave it and move on.

With this Mum, act like it never happened. Move on to tomorrow's news and chat, don't mention it at all.

She's not replied, I think, because you may have implied that she should feel sorry. If she doesn't actually feel sorry (which is reasonable) then the kind thing to say is to say nothing. By not replying she's holding her boundaries strong by not apologing when she doesn't need to, but not making you feel worse by challenging the implied blame.

I think this other Mum probably wants to move on too. She's done well to not reply. I'd have ended up sending a sorry-not-sorry reply just to appease (and people please) you. Something like "hope your DD is feeling better now" or similar. Then I'd sit and worry if you'd be offended by the lack of apology.

So the other Mum is defo doing the best thing by not replying and just hoping it passes

Really? I’m pretty sure I would have replied without finding the need to apologise. Hey ho maybe I’m more sensitive than others but you’re right I won’t mention it.

Glad you’re all doing such a marvellous job of parenting and a better one than me

Like all parents, we're all just managing and muddling our way though.

Seeing your situation from a different perspective to you is not personal. It does not imply you are not doing a marvelous job at parenting.

Just a little bit toxic I feel and the comment about the leaving the party was unnecessary.

I think the other mum was offering to step in because understandably 5 year olds sometimes need some help socially and if her daughter had been not nice to another kid she probably wanted the opportunity to remind her that isn't a nice thing to do at a birthday party etc etc

But you answered a bit weirdly about not 'begging' people to be nice to your daughter. Also curious as to what you messaged her a few times about? Surely one message to explain and then left at that?

Apologies for the use of the word nice about 3 times there!

I didn’t say ‘begging’ in front of my child or that mum I just said to leave it.
maybe I’ve messaged a few times to say ‘sorry’ really as I don’t like to think of people being offended

Ah I see, sorry I read this part as the whole quote.

'and said not to worry. I don’t want DD or anyone else to have to beg people to be nice to her'

In that case, I wouldn't worry about it. Just carry on as normal when you see the other mum next.

She's probably wondering what do you want from her. You don't seem to know either. You went from everything is fine and don't worry about it, to several messages and now a thread. You didn't want the mum to tell her kid to be nice(er) -why not?!?- , you don't want an apology . She tried to sort it then and there, you didn't want that either.

What do you want?

Ah I see, sorry I read this part as the whole quote.

'and said not to worry. I don’t want DD or anyone else to have to beg people to be nice to her'

In that case, I wouldn't worry about it. Just carry on as normal when you see the other mum next.

fair enough thank you

I kinda guess I just wanted acknowledgment that I certainly wasn’t pissed off with her or in anyway

I think its possible that you're allowing this to get out of proportion.
You were upset on behalf of your daughter so it's possible in your interchange with the other mother that you came across a bit short without meaning too. Or at least she took a negative away.
You've now explained by text why you were leaving and said you hope she understands. It's very easy to read texts in tones not intended or even misunderstand intent. But you can't do anything more than you've done so you need to step away from it now. When you see her at school, just act normally and be friendly. Don't bring it up because it's a done incident. If she brings it up, then you can explain what happened.
Ultimately, once you've explained (and apologised if that's necessary), there's nothing more you can do. And if she doesnt want to be friends, it's her loss. But I'm sure she's just got distracted or something and everything will be fine.

Thank you I really appreciate that. I do have a tendency to overthink and that’s what’s happened here.

Christ what a bunch of weapons on this thread ! Op I'd feel the same , if I heard my dd telling another little child to go away ( for no reason) I'd be pulling them aside !

Thank you!
To be fair she didn’t hear and I didn’t tell her that because I don’t want to make a child feel bad. I can honestly say unless her mum did say anything to her she would have been oblivious
my DD said to my husband ‘I think maybe (LG) was tired’ so she’s probably less paranoid and more adaptable than me ❤️