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Parenting

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Original poster

Ex wants DD to live with him?

35 replies

Sillysosij · 08/05/2023 00:57

My ex and I didn’t exactly get on well when we split up. Things were very tough. A lot of shouting /swearing/ name calling/
gaslighting.

I was always the primary parent doing all the usual drudge. Then when we were separating he decided he was going for primary custody and I could have EOW. Didn’t do anything differently then suddenly changed his mind and he had EOW. Was really inconsistent with his time. Often dropped her back really late at night before a school day, or early, or rearranged his weekends. I figured he was pulling back on contact, last year he rearranged a lot of weekends didn’t even call her on her birthday. He doesn’t text to see how she’s doing between visits. He did call on this birthday but she asked to talk on a different occasion, he said ‘maybe tomorrow’ and then tumbleweeds til the next visit. He has not done any parents evenings, even though they are virtual since covid so can do them from home or the office even. It is amicable enough but he doesn’t keep track of what’s going on with her to the same degree. He does not know anything about her SEN except for what I drill into him. He also will not pay more than the CMS minimum, I asked for help with school trips as they have some big ones coming up and he declined.

Suddenly at this evening’s drop off he decided we should consider her living with him when she goes to secondary school in 3 years time. He phrased it as for her benefit as there are some good schools near him. He name dropped one. It’s a fee paying school. He did not realise this but the fees are £7k a term. This is out of his budget as he earns £27kpa. meanwhile there are four ‘outstanding’ state schools in my area. There are 2 state schools within traversable distance of him, ranked ‘good’ and ‘requires improvement’.

He has told our daughter about the idea of living with him. He has got her excited about it as he has a cat she loves and buys her a lot of toys, takes her to play at his parents’ large house with a pool. He has not discussed it with his girlfriend, who he lives with, as ‘dd comes first, and what difference does it make? She will be at school all day and still have every other weekend the same as now.’

Is it just me being selfish wanting her to stay with me? Or is this an outlandish thing to drop in suddenly? WWYD? How do I resolve this?

OP posts:

Singleandproud · 08/05/2023 01:09

It's years away, I'd ignore him for now. Probably doesn't want to pay maintenance..
Once she's at Secondary she'll be able to have more input into her contact schedule and she'll probably want to decrease it as friends become more important.

Even if she did move in with him, a couple of weeks of actual parenting plus teen hormones hell soon change his mind.

TomatoSandwiches · 08/05/2023 01:10

No, you are not being selfish, he hasn't behaved in her best interests so far so why would you expect him to suddenly be parent if the year.
It's a long way from now, I expect lots will change before then, I wouldn't be talking about it at all.

Original poster

Sillysosij · 08/05/2023 01:17

I don’t know how he’s so good at gaslighting still. Or why he still cares! I really thought we were getting on better. One small thing is that I mentioned I took DD to see a friend I’ve known for 20 odd years. He tried to isolate me from this friend while we were together. He casually dropped in that he had been chatting with her recently, and mentioned a detail of her house move. I asked her about it just to confirm. He has not spoken to her - she posted this detail on Facebook.

He constantly makes me doubt myself. Like if I’m being selfish around DD. I’ll try not to worry as it’s years off but I keep thinking, she says she wants to, maybe I am just being selfish to think it’s a bad idea? Maybe I’m being petty to think it’s only because he sold it to her on the basis of the cat and new toys. After all I’m far from perfect myself, maybe she would be better off there? He has more of a support network.

But he has no idea what she’s doing in school; what hobbies she’s doing; he’s never been to a single school play even when we lived together directly opposite the school. So why is he saying it? Ugh.

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DifficultBloodyWoman · 08/05/2023 01:23

He is a muppet. As you already know.

Did you point out that it was a fee paying school? If not, don’t. Smile and nod and tell him that if that is what he wants he can apply to the courts with his plan naming the school etc. Only then point out that it is a fee paying school.

What a fuckwit!

Fraaahnces · 08/05/2023 01:34

Ignore him and teach your daughter to be resilient and smarter than you were. She needs to expect to be disappointed when it comes to every piece of shit that comes out of his mouth and pleasantly surprised if anything eventuates, because that is the best it will ever be. Leopards don’t change their spots.

Original poster

Sillysosij · 08/05/2023 01:52

@Fraaahnces she’s actually got a really solid sense of self and good confidence. She usually expects very little of him and is content when something does materialise, just as you say. She wasn’t at all fussed at not hearing from him on her last birthday, and was more eager to speak to my friends than her own father. This is partly why it’s come out of left field so much, normally she says things like ‘I love you more than Daddy’ and I say ‘I love you very much but it’s not a competition’. This time she said she thinks it would be fun and then she could meet me on weekends and tell me all about it. I don’t want to minimise her opinions which are obviously important, it’s her life after all, but I wonder if her SEN plays a part and she can’t take in how big a change it would be. She has no concept of time for example. It sounds like a big adventure to her but reality might be quite different.

OP posts:

3487642I · 08/05/2023 03:46

It sounds like even if she tried it it is likely she would realise quite quickly that it is not going to be as good as she thought it would.

MintyBinty · 08/05/2023 05:26

He’s saying it to upset you and mess with your head. I doubt he actually means it, given his lack of actual effort over the years.

Wallywobbles · 08/05/2023 06:27

It can't happen if you don't agree to it. I'm afraid I'd be clear about that now. I'd say well it's an idea but I think you know your dad well enough to take this with a pinch of salt. Plus you'll miss your friends and me. I'm not going to agree to you being hurt because your dad want to mess with our minds.

cpphelp · 08/05/2023 06:56

Sorry, did you actually mean £27k as a salary? He can't afford private on that!
He's having a laugh.

As a PP said, nod and smile and point him in the direction of court.

Original poster

Sillysosij · 08/05/2023 10:07

cpphelp · 08/05/2023 06:56

Sorry, did you actually mean £27k as a salary? He can't afford private on that!
He's having a laugh.

As a PP said, nod and smile and point him in the direction of court.

Yes, he sends me £250 in maintenance each month which a lot of the time does not cover the childcare bill, so I don’t know where he thinks he will find the money for a private school. Realistically I don’t think he’s looked into it at all.

OP posts:

cpphelp · 08/05/2023 10:08

I think you're right, he hasn't looked into it, but thought of an idea as to how he can stop paying £250 a month and hurt you in the meantime.
Ignore the idiot.

Original poster

Sillysosij · 08/05/2023 10:10

Wallywobbles · 08/05/2023 06:27

Are you sure it can’t? I’m so scared of it going to court and them deciding it would be better for her. He’s always said he could sue for custody and win as I have MH issues (dealt with, I sought intensive therapy, was on medication, and now pay for counselling to keep things ticking over)
he just hasn’t fought it since we split up 5 years ago.

OP posts:

cpphelp · 08/05/2023 10:10

I don't know if this is 'grey rock' but I'd say next time
"Yes, you said. You'll need to go to court to change the order" and repeat. He wont stand a chance

snitzelvoncrumb · 08/05/2023 10:16

By the time she gets to secondary won’t it be up to her? He will probably forget in a month. If he does keep going on about it ask him how much it costs, if he doesn’t know look it up and make a comment on how generous he is to be there paying all that money plus uniform all on his own.

LividHouse · 08/05/2023 10:19

He’s just messing with you.

The name dropping of a school he has no idea about is embarrassing. Ignore.

gogohmm · 08/05/2023 10:19

Is there a school option where 50/50 or flexible is possible? Ideally in the teen years the kids can call the shots more and go between the houses more flexibly, obviously schools permitted

Stressfordays · 08/05/2023 10:24

Ignore it, its 3 years away. DD won't care about shiny new toys then, she'll want to go school with her friends. It sounds bad but can you just get a cat? They're extremely low maintenance and if she loves them, she'll love a little kitten of her own. I know its childish but when my ex was seeing my kids, they always wanted to go as he had a PlayStation. I got them their own and it stopped all the excitement.

namechangingagainandgain · 08/05/2023 10:25

I would be willing to bet that he has no idea how open evenings and secondary school applications work.
A lot can change in 3 years.
I would just smile and say to DD that 3 years is a bit of a way off and not to worry about it now.
You need to be looking at schools in year 5, then take DD to the realistic choices in year 6.
Make sure you know the process and apply in good time for the best in your area.
If he wants to do all the research, do the visits, do the application forms (and he would have to prove that DD was living the majority of time at his address in order to apply), and go to court to change the the living arrangements, he can organise it all himself.
If he doesn't realise he can't afford private school fees, I doubt he will get organised with all the above.

namechangingagainandgain · 08/05/2023 10:28

Stressfordays · 08/05/2023 10:24

I think getting a cat would be lovely.

Original poster

Sillysosij · 08/05/2023 11:19

namechangingagainandgain · 08/05/2023 10:28

I think getting a cat would be lovely.

Show quote history

I’d love to get a cat! We used to have one. But we rent and would need landlord’s agreement. I’ll be in a position to buy in a few years and had discussed with DD about getting a pet then. The area I’m looking to buy in has slightly better transport links to the same (outstanding rated) secondary school her primary is feeder for, so she wouldn’t need to change schools or anything. Perhaps that might even have been a trigger for him suggesting this, I hadn’t thought of that.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sillysosij · 08/05/2023 11:24

gogohmm · 08/05/2023 10:19

Is there a school option where 50/50 or flexible is possible? Ideally in the teen years the kids can call the shots more and go between the houses more flexibly, obviously schools permitted

No. One of the reasons this feels precarious too is that I moved away with DD. We had been planning to move together all 3 of us, the area has much better opportunities for work, is a lot safer and has better schools (4 outstanding schools within a traversable distance, his nearest is ‘requires improvement’.) I went through with the move as I’d already accepted a position and arranged schools. However that shows that I moved away so regardless of motivation that leaves me in a weaker position afaik?

OP posts:

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 08/05/2023 14:00

Why would that put you in a weaker position. You have located your child in an area that gives her excellent educational opportunities and affords regular contact with her (flakey) father.
You have been her primary career for 5 yrs now without incident or material MH issues.
He has provided the bare minimum of financial support and has a history of irregular contact.
Your daughter sounds happy and well adjusted despite his best efforts ti be a crap Disney dad.

Ignore him - he sounds like a complete dick and it is quite concerning that 5 yrs down the line that you allow him this much headspace and he bothers you so much.

Honestly, right now your biggest problem is you. You are what is standing in the way of your own peace of mind and happiness.

ImAvingOops · 08/05/2023 14:03

My advice is to completely ignore him and make non committal noises rather than say an outright no - if he's doing this to get into your head and be a controlling arse, he's only going to do it if he thinks it really bothers you. Get everything organised for dd's secondary school as you would normally - don't get drawn into long discussions, but apply in good time for the best schools in your area.

The court isn't going to give him primary custody just because he wants it. The court will look at the whole picture, and while children's opinions are listened to, a court won't hand her over to him on the basis that he's got a cat! Courts listen to children when they have solid reasons for wanting to change primary carer but won't upset a good arrangement that's working. I would suggest quietly keeping a diary of all the times he doesn't turn up when he says he will or doesn't call when he arranged to. Never hurts to be prepared and you should have evidence of when he's been flaky.

I think the less he knows about your life, the better. Don't be fooled into thinking he's your friend or can be trusted, just because you've been co parenting okay on a superficial level. Men who are controlling and gaslight, don't suddenly become reasonable.

He's a muppet though and I wouldn't worry too much about this - dickhead can't afford private school and hasn't even discussed this with his girlfriend. I'd say his chances of fighting you in court are slim at best.

Namechange224422 · 08/05/2023 14:12

It wouldn’t be in dd best interest to live with him.

How often does he have her for a full week at the moment?

If the answer to that is never then I’d email him offering eg 4 weeks a year in school holidays. Keep his email where he says no and put any confirmation of cancellation in writing.

Offer the holiday time annually and keep the replies. Take them to court if he does ever go for 50/50

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