Ex wants DD to live with him?

[Sillysosij]

My ex and I didn’t exactly get on well when we split up. Things were very tough. A lot of shouting /swearing/ name calling/
gaslighting.

I was always the primary parent doing all the usual drudge. Then when we were separating he decided he was going for primary custody and I could have EOW. Didn’t do anything differently then suddenly changed his mind and he had EOW. Was really inconsistent with his time. Often dropped her back really late at night before a school day, or early, or rearranged his weekends. I figured he was pulling back on contact, last year he rearranged a lot of weekends didn’t even call her on her birthday. He doesn’t text to see how she’s doing between visits. He did call on this birthday but she asked to talk on a different occasion, he said ‘maybe tomorrow’ and then tumbleweeds til the next visit. He has not done any parents evenings, even though they are virtual since covid so can do them from home or the office even. It is amicable enough but he doesn’t keep track of what’s going on with her to the same degree. He does not know anything about her SEN except for what I drill into him. He also will not pay more than the CMS minimum, I asked for help with school trips as they have some big ones coming up and he declined.

Suddenly at this evening’s drop off he decided we should consider her living with him when she goes to secondary school in 3 years time. He phrased it as for her benefit as there are some good schools near him. He name dropped one. It’s a fee paying school. He did not realise this but the fees are £7k a term. This is out of his budget as he earns £27kpa. meanwhile there are four ‘outstanding’ state schools in my area. There are 2 state schools within traversable distance of him, ranked ‘good’ and ‘requires improvement’.

He has told our daughter about the idea of living with him. He has got her excited about it as he has a cat she loves and buys her a lot of toys, takes her to play at his parents’ large house with a pool. He has not discussed it with his girlfriend, who he lives with, as ‘dd comes first, and what difference does it make? She will be at school all day and still have every other weekend the same as now.’

Is it just me being selfish wanting her to stay with me? Or is this an outlandish thing to drop in suddenly? WWYD? How do I resolve this?

Yes I'm sure. And MH and therapy are the opposite of reasons to take your DC to live elsewhere.

You sort treatment which means you are responsible.

He will be more likely to be thought of badly for mentioning it. If you can show that it's linked to being married to him that would be a handy turn of affairs.

The primary thing is the welfare of your child. If you can show that you always put their welfare first he will be hard pushed to have you punished for it.

Document everything. Write timelines. Keep everything that can be used against him. Make complaints if behaviour warrants it. Get a statement from your psychiatrist, doctor whoever.

Think of everything he will try to use against it and find something that mitigates it.

Thank you all so much for your responses. It really is such a relief.

To PP who said the only concern is how much he can get in my head- I know this is a problem, it’s mainly this one issue that gets me because he used it so often while we were together and it hasn’t been brought up in 5 years so completely caught me off guard. But, that’s very like him. I promise I’m doing okay generally! Lol.

After all - we split up because I gained the confidence to no longer put up with his bullying. I didn’t put too much info in the OP because I didn’t want to bias it and he has never behaved threateningly to DD but I did get together with him when I was very young and vulnerable, was a teen mum when I had DD, and essentially turned my life around for her. He is a little bit older and I believe our relationship would be considered coercive control nowadays. I no longer feel threatened by him and haven’t for years except since day dot he would say if I ever did anything against him, he’d take DD away from me and I couldn’t fight it because I’m ‘crazy’.

Now I guess I worry because if I’m getting upset about her being taken away then I’m not thinking about her best interests first and foremost and maybe that makes me a bad parent.

But actually I have always put her first. I texted to check if he had done her homework with her over the weekend and he hadn’t. How is he supposed to do it every day? He hasn’t got a clue. It’s all complete nonsense. She was with me today because he didn’t want to have her for the extra bank holiday. He’s never had her for a straight week, let alone longer, even though I give him school holiday dates in advance and send regular reminders. He’s probably assuming it will be minimal impact for him and maximum upset for me to move her for secondary school as she’s more independent so he will have less hassle with childcare etc, while still upturning my life. Which is hilarious if you’ve ever met teenage girls, not even considering her SEN/delays. You are all right- he IS a muppet.

Ignore him and just continue on. He’s getting under your skin and has no real intentions otherwise he would have seriously looked at schools. If your DD is happy and settled then it would take a lot of fighting on his part and having to prove that such a big change and disruption would be beneficial for your DD.

Center all of your thoughts and energies on your DD and you, what makes you all happiest and crucially what makes you both secure. Security comes from emotionally stability so carry on with managing your mental health, and learn to be more resilient to anything he throws at you. Try not to let it rock you.

I bought up a child as a single parent and his father paid less maintenance than yours, and he still just piled on the stress by putting me down etc. I bent over backwards for years trying to ‘keep the peace’ before I learnt to pay more attention to my child and me. What WE needed. Which was a life where when your kid is around today or going to school, you just enjoy being a mum, have a good relationship, manage being a parent as best you can, get really good fulfilment out of everything going well on your end.

Remember, keep records of texts where he says he hasn't done her homework or doesn't want to see her on a bank holiday.

Yes. You are all completely right. I just wish he hadn’t put it to DD first but that’s of course why he did it!!

I’m finally in a good place. He cut me off from a lot of my friends; I now have a really good circle of friends and even recently reconnected with one who finally saw his side of the story didn’t stack up. He was quite financially abusive and sabotaging, I now have a really good, secure job and have plans to buy my own house independently in the not too distant future. I even have a new s.o who is respectful, kind and makes future plans speaking about ‘in 10 years or so when your DD has grown up’, knowing I’m not going to consider merging households any time soon and looking for the upsides in that. Probably this is part of why he wants to try and upend things. I’ll remind DD of the houses we looked at, and how when we move we will be able to get a cat and she can help choose it.

She must not bad-mouth the (awful) dad to her dd.
He could use it against OP.

I forgot to say, I completely sympathise with you.

He is bribing her and coaching her.

You need to be secure, dependable, happy for your dd. Well done for all you have been doing.

Write a log of everything this man has missed re school etc.

Write a log of your DD’s reactions and what she says. She will be going into puberty just when she goes to a new school. Puberty, new school, and less time with you is a lot of change for someone with send.

Are you on an official parenting app? That helps keep track of things he says to you, in writing.