Sexual exploitation

[icannotsay]

Sexual exploitation

Context

My dd is 11, nrly 12. She has adhd and asd. Please do not shoot me down for allowing my dd snap chat . I checked her phone every day and had no idea. I feel enough guilt already.

I have found out today that her number was linked to a snap chat acc and she has been sending nude pics, some explicit to males she believed were her age. They threatened to hurt her and her family if she didn't.

I feel absolutely ill. I have drummed all of this into her constantly and can't believe this has happened!.

I've called police but she is beside herself . She knows what she has done but no where near the extreme of it all.

I actually feel physically sick that grown men have her pictures.

Apart from never ever allowing her to be trusted with a phone again how the hell do I deal with this?

Hi OP. I hope you’re ok. Sorry to hear what you and your daughter have been through.

I’m sorry, op, that’s an absolute nightmare for her and you. Im guessing her diagnoses have probably affected her judgment and ability to understand the consequences of what she was doing. You might want to think about therapy for her to process this. Also, she needs to have very limited access to the internet for a long time. She doesn’t need a phone with internet access, get a basic phone that she can use in an emergency. Explain that it’s to protect her. I hope you are able to help her through this, and all recover.

She knew what she was doing but I don't think she fully understands the gravity of it all. Her esteem was very low at the time. She had used filters to change her shape. It's just the enormity of her sending sexually explicit ones and them using adult sexual language like 'pussy' to her I can't get my head around.
She is getting a phone but with no social apps on anymore. The thing is her friends have phones.

No social apps is 100% the way to go, at least for the time being.

My DD is 16 and has only Instagram. I still wont allow Snapchat and tiktok. All her friends have the latter 2 and at first she was annoyed but as she's got older she's agreed it's the right approach.

Also, make her have regular phone breaks...so the odd week or so without it. Keep her busy doing extra curriculars. Tell her all about perverts online to make her realise.

Have school done any assemblies about this sort of stuff? Like keeping safe online? If not, ask them to put something on for the pupils so that she hears the message from all sides.

School gave me the impression that it's been done and it falls on deaf ears. She's had all of this constantly off school and me. I've literally drummed it into her.
She's embarrassed by it but I still don't trust her (as bad as that sounds).
I haven't told her but I am really disappointed in her.

I would tread carefully. You might run the risk of making her feel worse if keep trying to drum into her the seriousness of it all. She’s a very young child it wasn’t her fault at all. She won’t be able to understand the implications of something like this.

Please don’t blame/shame your daughter. Shes a victim here. She’s 11 yrs old, she’s potentially has been groomed and coerced into doing this. She won’t have understood the seriousness of this.

When I was this age I was making websites and talking to older guys online.

They asked for meet etc, but I was too scared to actually go through with it. Some of the kids won't be, however sending nudes et cetera was just impossible because we didn't have the technology. If I did have the technology, it's quite possible that I would do that too. The whole thing was that I was home on bored and talking to these guys was exciting, thrilling & kept me on the edge of fantasy.

At that age it's impossible to know the full extent of what she's done. You can have chats with her and let her know the details but also give her cuddles and reassurance. She's amazing as she is.
Equally you're amazing as you are. You tried to educate her the best you can but there's nothing you can do with your kids wanting to make their own mistakes.
Blessed she didn't meet anybody harmful.
This is a massive lesson for her that she will never forget, and I'm pretty sure she's gonna be too scared to do anything ever again anyway.

In the future she'll care and be aware a lot more, security of her future behaviour and safety precautions will more likely than not, be well observed by her now.

You can continue to educate her, but getting the police involved is going to educate her more than ever. What she's done could've caused a lot of danger to potentially the family.

We will have to go through these things of testing the boundaries, most of us surviving in this situation. Thank goodness she did and you did also.

This is something that will help you build strength to move forward in trusting each other. She can trust your judgement, you were right in the first place for example and she can look for safe for ways to find her thrills and fantasy.

Why did she engage. What for. How did she feel. Nothing is bad or off limits to talk about but transparency and trust is key to maintain and build here. How will she do things differently etc.

Cuddles through it all is important for you both.

You gave her privacy and she went against that. Whether privacy is maintained or earned is the next step in regards to safeguarding.

You're doing all the right things.

I wish you strength in working through the next parts of this process. Grateful you're both here and can catch these people.

Thank you
Very kind words
She's had lots of cuddles and reassurances that it's not her fault

It happened to me with my son. I only knew as... PM if you wish. I've been there and it is too much for on here. X

Thank you
I haven't shamed her
I've said i understand why she done it.
She was between schools due to bullying as girls called her fat and ugly (a few names of many) and I think her self esteem was understandably very low. Its still is.
She is definitely not fat and I tell her this every day.
I just wish she believed it.
I blame myself mostly.

Love and hugs to you and her. It's not either of your fault.

I can't elaborate on mine other than it was catfishing and my son is now out there as videos were sold on before arrest.

I'm off to sleep now after night shift but do PM if you wish because I still feel so sick about it.

Just love.

And I know that sickness.

I'm sorry I have to go now. But I am here.

Try not to engage too much on MN as you'll hear all sorts of opinions from posters who have never even been there.

You know what? PM and call me if you want right now because I know how dick you feel.

Omg *sick

Bloody phone, sausage fingers

Thank you

Oh god that sounds awful

And I know what you mean about MN
Hence why I created another account and changed my name.

If you haven't already, report to CEOP.

www.ceop.police.uk/Safety-Centre/

Cant possibly imagine how you feel, but you must be going through a range of emotions.

Does she have an iPhone? I'd recommend one (and for you too) as the parental controls are very good.

I had the Google parent link app but I had took some of the controls off because I trusted her.
They will now be going back on full control.
I just feel so awful for her because her pictures (albeit a bit photo shooped) will be out their for perverts to see.
Makes my stomach turn.

I tried to make a report to these but they informed that if I've already reported it to police I don't need too but..
Thanks for that

Argh wrote long reply, managed to click back and not send. Ended up on faffbook 🙄. I'll make a cuppa and try again!

Mumsnet really need to get the developers to sort that out! No other website operates like this

No, it happens so often that I can't even blame my clumsy fingers. I'm not even sure I clicked back, as there is no back on my phone keyboard. Hey ho, back it went!

It's not your fault. This is an unfortunate result of kids all having smartphones. As parents we're damned if we do; damned if we don't.

I feel very very fortunate that the internet wasn't up to sharing photos/videos like this when I was the same age. At your DD's age, I was also having a rough time with bullying and I spent hours every day chatting to other people across the world on a very basic text-only chatroom called a talker. It was in the early days of the internet before most households had it and the people I was chatting to were university students. For the most part it was harmless but I was on the receiving end of compliments and sexually suggestive chat from a handful of blokes which I went along with because it was positive attention and because of the thrill of knowing I was doing something I shouldn't. My parents had absolutely no idea and nor did they know when I was hopping on the train to go and meet these people. I am truly lucky that I got away with all this relatively unscathed. I'm pretty sure that had it been 2020 instead of 1990 that I would have fallen into the same trap as your DD has with Snapchat.

It's brilliant that you're supporting your DD in the way you are and keeping lines of communication open. The only advice I can give is to buoy up her self confidence as much as possible so that she doesn't seek positive attention in inappropriate places/ways. I know it's easier said than done.

Thank you for this.
I had no Internet at her age too but I was defo experimenting with boys.
Times have changed so much with social.media and kids just wanting to be on their phones all day.
I try and build her up all thr time but she's just like "your my mam so you would say that'.
Any suggestions from anyone with what I can do apart from just telling her positives every day ?
She only has me.

The key part here is that she made the decision for you in regards to trying to protect the family from a possible threat. When she's scared or unsure she should seek counsel. Ask mummy - we don't say things for nothing. We're old for a reason.

The potential dangers are real. Not for her to be scared but to be hyper aware and operate accordingly.

Having conversations about where her mind is at with how to operate moving forward will help you gauge how much you really need to do. We don't want to completely sugar coat this - there is a lot to learn and be aware of from this situation and for her to be slightly aware of the gravity to the safety precautions you've tried to warn her about previously.

Also explaining how unlikely it is that they are hackers that can track her to follow through with threats. Depending on how much info she gave out.

It's ok to talk to boys (maybe I don't know) but it's natural to feel a buzz and enjoy talking to people and exploring BUT we have to be wise. When she's not sure if she's being wise - ask mummy. There's a whole life time to explore these things properly and safely mum can protect and regulate all of it so she can have fun but not get herself into dangers even when she can't see it or believe it.

Maybe if she thinks you're by default over protective there's a hotline of some sort she can call to get a third party insight