1 year old is incredibly demanding

[CinnamonHamster]

I need to know if this is normal - my health visitor seems to think it is but it's becoming impossible.

My little boy turned one last week. I know toddlers are demanding but it's becoming unmanageable - we have no family nearby and my partner works mon-fri from home and i am yet to go back to work.

DS will not be left alone. Ever. We can't even go into the kitchen without epic level 100 breakdowns, he hits himself in the head and makes himself sick crying when he's alone. I don't know why he has such strong separation anxiety, I have never left him longer than an hour for a shower and we cosleep (he still wakes up 3+ times a night but this was 10+ times until we coslept). He will not nap in his pram (we don't have a car) it's strictly on me at home only which means we don't get out much either.

He still breastfeeds and wants to be fed constantly. When not feeding he just wants to be attached to the breast - he won't let me hold him unless he is attached to the breast. Every nappy and outfit change is a full screaming battle with flailing arms and legs.

If I am in the room nobody else will do. He cries, whines and claws at my legs but when i lift him being held/cuddled isn't enough and he is constantly hitting/shouting and climbing all over me. The only thing that stops him is breastfeeding - he eats 3 full meals each day, has one snack and drinks tons of water.

We recently had a birthday party and he was so overwhelmed. He just screamed the entire time and threw toys and lashed out - he is only just one and I feel like this is toddler behaviour but i thought it would come later? I had to take him upstairs for a nap and he fought it horribly, was biting and pinching for 40 mins before he fell asleep for half an hour. All the other little ones just napped in their prams amidst the party noises which made it worse.

He doesn't babble still so I know he struggles to communicate but I just cannot work him out. He wants me but doesn't want to be held, he is tired but won't nap in the pram/anywhere other than me. He is so clingy but he has never been left. I don't know what I am doing wrong or how to help?

Any help appreciated!

My DS is also 1 and is clingy but not to that level but I have left him from a young age with DH and my parents

I have always felt I need to leave my DC so they get used to not being with me all the time and preventing separation anxiety, I think to break it you need to start leaving him with you DP starting with half an hour to an hour and building up from there to break the attachment he has to you although he might just scream and cry for DP to start with

The problem is as you say, that he has never been left.

You need to find a way of supporting him in finding a comfort other than you, and also just to be comfortable in his own company.

It is hard to start at this age as they are also just absolute terrors at one but it totally can be done.

Agree with PP that probably best to start with leaving him with other trusted caregivers to start with, and at home trying to start him off with an activity and then exiting when he is engrossed. Might not get very far at first but you need to build up.

Do you actively want to continue breastfeeding or is it that you haven't felt able to stop?

I'm wanting to continue breastfeeding and allow him to self wean. It's only me and DP here, we live 200+ miles away from the nearest family so he's always with me or us both. As he was breastfed and still required breastfeeding prior to any sleep he has never been left long with DP

Not to sound rude or judgemental, but you both need to get out more! Introduce him to other children, baby classes, soft play, swimming, playgrounds, socialise him, encourage him to do things independently. If you're happy to continue breastfeeding go for it but remember it isn't necessary anyore so if you're not there, he doesn't need fed and he probably wouldn't ask for it if you're not there.

Yes @YouAndMeAndThem has put it a bit more bluntly than me 😂 but yeah that is basically it.

The bottom line is that if you were enjoying this set up then that would be fine, but it's obviously not working for you anymore, and you really matter.

You don't have to totally wean him from breastfeeding obviously, but I would definitely stop the feeding for comfort because as pp said he doesn't actually need the feed anymore and it's preventing him from gaining independence.

Same with the contact naps, it is no longer doing either of you any favours.

You are trapped and he is not getting out and experiencing the world/ getting worn out for a good night sleep.

Just as a comparison this is my 13mo average day:

6:30am wake up and cows milk
8am Breakfast
We get ready and either take the dog for a walk/go to a playground or go to a playgroup of some kind (2-3x a week)
11:30 - 13:30 Naps in cot
13:30 Lunch
Run errands/ take the dog out if we didn't in the morning/ meet a friend for lunch/ play in the garden.
15:00 snack
17:00 Dinner
18:00 Bath, story, milk and asleep by 7pm

He wakes up once in the night about 3x a week and sometimes likes to wake up at 5am :/

I have to run him ragged in the day, otherwise he's just bouncing off the walls. Needs a lot of stimulation and exercise. Maybe that's a reason your LO is so frustrated?

Well, yes my eldest was like this, I suspect ASD although school aren’t convinced.

Everything about parenting them is/was difficult and nothing about the early years was straight forward. It has eased over time but compared to my other child it was night and day.

Do you go to any baby groups/classes? I’m a SAHM and I’ve never left ds with anyone but we’ve been going baby and toddler groups and classes since he was tiny and he is really independent. We are still cosleeping and breastfeeding at nearly 2 years old so please don’t think that will cause separation anxiety issues 🥰

This sounds like a lot. If I’d be trying to tackle 1 behavior at a time.
Eg the wanting to be on the breast all the time - so there are set times for feeding eg morning at wake up, before naps and just before bed. At the other times you need a short and simple instruction. ‘No x it’s not sleepy time’ or whatever you want to stay. Short, not a question, a command.
Could you get a play pen? Then he is safe even though he is upset.
lastly ask for a developmental check from GP. If there are issues this will flag them and you can be referred to other practitioners/agencies. Also a hearing check could be very useful.
We talked about gentle hands, firm but clear instructions and put him down when he bites/pinches etc - no that hurts mummy. We use gentle hands and then demonstrate. He’s seeking some kind of sensory rewards/attention.
Being outside/swimming/climbing etc are all ways of burning off energy and frustration. Some children don’t like being little - it’s frustrating and they can’t always communication what they want and the frustration takes over.

I think you have had some very harsh comments about your parenting that are not warranted or fair.

There are 2 things that sound unusual to me.

Firstly - No babbling at 13 months is very late. Does he use any signs? What is his receptive communication like? Does he understand simple requests like "put it in the box" or "give it to mummy"? If he's not communicating and not understanding, I'm surprised the HV hasn't flagged that.

Secondly, his level of distress around nappy/clothes changes sounds unusual, as does his dislike of being held. Does he have any other sensory sensitivities? Like disliking certain textures of food or fabric, finding certain noises upsetting, or disliking bright lights or busy environments?

His behavior when left sounds very extreme. If you left him in the kitchen for say 30s to walk to the kitchen and back, what would his reaction be? How quickly would he calm down when you came back?

When is your next review with the health visitor? Things like the lack of babbling wouldn't raise a concern at say 8 months, but would be more concerning at 13-14 months, so you might find they are more helpful soon.

It sounds like you have had a very hard year. Please don't feel like it is your fault or something you have done like leaving or not leaving him that is causing his separation anxiety - we parent the child we have.

I completely agree with this post and work with young kids, have my own, and know a lot about child development professionally. A lot of what you’re describing sounds quite possibly outside of ‘normal’ and certainly worth exploration with your health visitor and GP.

Please, please ignore the posts blaming your parenting! I’m really surprised to read them, mumsnet is usually more supportive of mums struggling with babies.

You’ve done amazingly well to cope with such a high needs baby. You sound like an incredible mum.

Some of the comments on here are a bit unnecessary - you're not a bad parent. Agree with PPs that this sounds outside the realms of normal. HV's can be really hit and miss, can you try and see a different one?

Why constantly breastfeed a child that eats three meals a day?

My dd was like this. incredibly clingy, contact sleep only, screaming if she wasn’t right next to me, and slow to talk (until one day she just started speaking in sentences). She was interested in food at first, but then quickly developed into an extremely picky eater.

she grew up to be a girl with hyperlexia and ASD. We didn’t get a diagnosis until age 9 because she blends in very well. We don’t view her diagnosis as a negative, though it does come with some challenges. I also have ASD and have a happy, successful life.

My son was the same - not vomiting if I left the room but imagine he would have done if I ever left for long enough (he had to be brought in to watch me while I had a super fast shower and he would still be distraught). When I wasn’t there he could be happy with his dad or my mum though, so maybe try that? When I’m in the house I’m still the preference and he sometimes still gets upset and follows me when I leave the room at 2 and a bit now. It’s hard x

Do you talk to him & explain what you are doing? If not lots of talking, we are going to put your shoes on, can I have your left foot, that is this one etc etc

Similarly for leaving, Mummy is just popping to the kitchen, keep talking when out the room & build up 30 seconds to 1 min until distrust stops.

Play lots of peek a boo & a cloth over an object then disappears then appears to show things come back.

Leave a radio with speaking or a TV, so the background noise stays consistent when you are in the room or out.

Write a routine out on the wall & stick to it, to help you and him.

Include time for you & activity time together - include cuddles & BF but also you can say no to your child.

A child learns the big crying reaction gets a big response, so yes always tend to needs, but if the big reaction is because you have popped to get something try and keep the same tone & reassure. It is really hard to have a child that finds things challenging, try and focus on improving small things.

As previous poster mentioned do speak to HV if concerned around sounds, pointing etc -

Getting dressed and nappy changes also screaming flailing distress here; we have the telly on now for when we get him dressed and it distracts him enough to be tolerable most of the time. Nappy changes better since we could do them all standing up with pull-ups

What a helpful comment . Breastfeeding is often about far more than just nutrition.

Sorry you're having such a hard time OP. I agree with others who have said it's not your fault and you should follow this up by seeing if you can speak to a different health visitor or a GP.

How is his development otherwise? Does he point, clap if you do, seem to understand what you are saying to him, has he hit the milestones on time for rolling, crawling, smiling etc?

My daughter was quite a high needs baby and hit her milestones a bit late (though not so late that it flagged up as being a concern at the baby stage). She wasn't bf but took a long time to wean off bottles. She was diagnosed with autism at 4 and we are in the process of an ADHD diagnosis now too.

I think it's worth pushing harder for development check up. It may be that you just have a high needs baby but it does sound a bit of a red flag to me. I always knew something was a bit different about my daughter but never considered autism as she did make eye contact. Trust your instincts.

Agree with PP who've said you've had some harsh responses. I don't think it sounds like this behaviour is due to parenting, you sound very attentive and responsive.

I also disagree with the idea you should stop breastfeeding (unless you wanted to) breastfeeding for comfort, beyond the age of 1 and when they're eating well is all normal.

I still bf my 21mo on demand, usually only once during the day but lots overnight and was probably still feeding her 3 times a day when she was 12mo and she is pretty independent so just anecdotally bf responsively doesn't create problems!

I don't think I've been harsh, and I agree that it does sound a bit out of the norm, although my one year old is very 'strong willed' too shall we say!

My point is that first job is to tackle the low hanging fruit before looking for something wrong with baby.

To me the low hanging fruit is:

A) trying to introduce something/ someone else as comfort so it isn't all on mums shoulders and build up time doing independent play.

B) finding some activities out of the house that are engaging and also tiring for LO.

C) maybe trying to reduce the feeding and contact naps as mum has said this is eating up all her time.

Mum hasn't done anything 'wrong' but it's just that what's been going on so far isn't working for her anymore so obviously some things need to change.

Some may call me a harsh parent but, only one hour away in over a year?! That's madness to me.
The Co sleeping, the breast feeding, the being there on demand and not doing anything for yourself will probably not be helpful with getting them to get used to others and you not being there. Do you go to any baby groups?

The problem is as you say, that he has never been left.

Jeez Women can never do anything right can they? One thread I e read this morning was berating the Mum because she left her DC with their own father and had the audacity to go out.

Now the OP is being blamed for her DS' behaviour because she didn't leave him enough.

Are there official MN guidelines on how much you are supposed to leave your baby that I've missed?

Sorry OP, I seemed to have missed out the bit I was going to post that actually gave you some advice.

Not babbling at 12 months is a concern and should not be dismissed by your HV.

Please do this SLT progress checker. It will tell you if there are areas of concern.

If he does need sone support ash your HV to refer him for a hearing test, for SLT and ask her to do the 12 month Ages & Stages.

No official guidelines obviously...but I would suggest that a reasonable amount of time to be left in the same house is maybe the length of time it takes to unload and load a dishwasher and wipe the kitchen surfaces. Or maybe have a quick shower.

I'm not blaming her at all. It's all really hard, and sometimes when you're in the thick of it it's hard to see the wood for the trees.

I've been there, you've probably been there, we've all been there.

Nothing wrong with different parenting styles, nothing wrong with anything any parent chooses to do, as long as it's working for them and their family - but OP has come here and said this is becoming unmanageable.

I think maternal mental and physical health is just as important as the baby's - they are symbiotic.