1 year old is incredibly demanding

[CinnamonHamster]

I need to know if this is normal - my health visitor seems to think it is but it's becoming impossible.

My little boy turned one last week. I know toddlers are demanding but it's becoming unmanageable - we have no family nearby and my partner works mon-fri from home and i am yet to go back to work.

DS will not be left alone. Ever. We can't even go into the kitchen without epic level 100 breakdowns, he hits himself in the head and makes himself sick crying when he's alone. I don't know why he has such strong separation anxiety, I have never left him longer than an hour for a shower and we cosleep (he still wakes up 3+ times a night but this was 10+ times until we coslept). He will not nap in his pram (we don't have a car) it's strictly on me at home only which means we don't get out much either.

He still breastfeeds and wants to be fed constantly. When not feeding he just wants to be attached to the breast - he won't let me hold him unless he is attached to the breast. Every nappy and outfit change is a full screaming battle with flailing arms and legs.

If I am in the room nobody else will do. He cries, whines and claws at my legs but when i lift him being held/cuddled isn't enough and he is constantly hitting/shouting and climbing all over me. The only thing that stops him is breastfeeding - he eats 3 full meals each day, has one snack and drinks tons of water.

We recently had a birthday party and he was so overwhelmed. He just screamed the entire time and threw toys and lashed out - he is only just one and I feel like this is toddler behaviour but i thought it would come later? I had to take him upstairs for a nap and he fought it horribly, was biting and pinching for 40 mins before he fell asleep for half an hour. All the other little ones just napped in their prams amidst the party noises which made it worse.

He doesn't babble still so I know he struggles to communicate but I just cannot work him out. He wants me but doesn't want to be held, he is tired but won't nap in the pram/anywhere other than me. He is so clingy but he has never been left. I don't know what I am doing wrong or how to help?

Any help appreciated!

he has never been left long with DP

I think it might also be time for your DH to start building up their relationship @CinnamonHamster.

You do need some time for yourself especially if family are such a long way away.

You DH could take him out at the weekend for a few hours in the morning to give you chance to have a break from him. They'll be fine doing things like going swimming and then to a cafe or the library and the park.

Does DH do any of the normal looking after a toddler things like giving him breakfast or bathtime?

Have you had chance to do the progress checker I posted earlier yet?

Oh and I was going to suggest starting using some signs with him to try and ease his frustration at not being able to communicate. We did and it helped massively.

Have a look at Makaton and start with yes, no, more and nappy.

The behaviour you're describing sounds quite different to my 12mo and very intense.

I'm also breastfeeding and co-sleeping, baby is on 3 meals a day. Baby will be left with dad happily while I go to the dentist or hairdresser. They're not so happy to be left when I am doing things around the house but sometimes I have to. I do have a baby carrier. They are definitely at their happiest and most peaceful if I'm in the room too, but they don't hit or scream (yet).

I'm not sure if you've tried baby sign language but I've found it excellent for getting rid of that frustration. Baby being able to communicate "milk" "sleep" "nappy change" "hungry" and then the satisfaction when baby realises they are understood and their needs met is amazing.

I would be looking for more advice and support through the HV or GP if I was you too. I think it's essential baby gets out in the world as much as possible too.

This sounds very extreme to me and nothing I've experienced with my two children. I think you need to push HV from your help. No babbling at 13months should warrant some additional support or advice from them at the very least, let alone some of the extreme physical behaviour. Speech aside, how is he meeting other milestones?

Hi! I've linked your response but in response to everyone I guess.

We go to swimming lessons (tues) / baby dance (weds) (more just running around to music) and bookbug (thurs) every week. We also go to the park / for long walks every weekend or to see friends from baby groups at their houses or make play dates at our house.

He has met all motor skill milestones e.g. crawling, climbing and is walking unaided. He claps in response to being happy, but doesn't point / wave / bring toys to use etc. He understands put it in / take it out / give it to mummy etc - he doesn't look where we look / point.

I talk to him all the time and HV recommended giving him 'warning' before tasks e.g. putting his coat on 10 mins before pram or putting the same wind down music on 10 mins before bed so he doesn't melt down when his activity changes. I do agree he needs to find more comfort in DP AND other trusted adults however this one has been difficult as we are so far from family.

Hi!

He understands put it in / take it out / hold / let go / give it to mummy and more like that but doesn't vocalise back ever just does the action or becomes inconsolable.

He doesn't like being held by anyone other than me and only me when breastfeeding/napping. He doesn't like cold things (he will gag touching cold fruit or ice/snow). Hates hoovers / hair dryers / hand dryers and anything that makes that kinds of sound and is inconsolable after. Overwhelmed with lots of people around but ignores any attempt at interaction.

He will immediately start almost panicking when left and it just builds up. When I return it's like the emotion all floods out in one big go and its too much for him then the hitting etc starts.

HV was coming every couple of weeks due to his significant sleep issues so she's due next week and I'll push again. Thank you so much for your help. I just want advice to help him / us as a FTM.

Hi! I think DP avoids taking him out as he will only sleep on / with me still and breastfeeds like 15/20 mins before a nap. He doesn't just fall asleep in his pram and just melts down when tired - i normally track the wake window then breastfeed rock him a little then place him in the pram to fall asleep but it takes lots of pats and shushing after this.

Yes I did - it says to make contact via phone call to discuss advice and a potential assessment. Thank you for sending that! Yes Makaton is a great idea to I'm going to start implementing more sign when vocalising words! Thank you so much x

@SiouxsieSiouxStiletto

Yes I did - it says to make contact via phone call to discuss advice and a potential assessment. Thank you for sending that! Yes Makaton is a great idea to I'm going to start implementing more sign when vocalising words!

My DD had significant speech delay. My HV was very much "let's wait and see". Please do phone Speech & Language UK tomorrow now you have the results on the progress checker and see what they advise.

I would also call the GP and ask for a referral for a hearing test and SLT and Community Paediatrics for assessment.

Some of the things you've mentioned do sound extreme and added together sounds as though he may need assessment by a Paediatrician.

As for you DH. He really does need to start building up their relationship. At 12 months DS should be able to stay awake for a few hours between breakfast and lunch so there's no reason that they can't go out for at least one of those hours together

Ask your family to come and visit (stay in a local travelodge) much more regularly during this difficult time. Your partner needs to ask his family to do the same. You don't have to do this without family support just because they live a few hours away.

This sounds really tough OP. I just wanted to say that I had a breastfeeding, cosleeping toddler who didn't see many people due to covid but she was never as clingy as you describe. It may be nothing to do with your parenting and more something in your DCs nature. Hope it gets easier soon.