When to have a second

[Lavender14]

So I currently have a 5 month old. Dh and I would ideally love to have a second if we're lucky enough to conceive a second time (we had a lot of scares with ds and I was on bed rest for my entire first trimester, the rest was tough enough as well but by then I was so relieved that the negative symptoms like sickness and pgp were reassuring that things were progressing). I'm 35 now and while dh and I are both on good wages for our sectors we've just been able to manage to cover our bills while I've been on maternity leave and put a little aside each month for when I have no income for the last 3 months. But we've had to be very careful as it's been doable but tight. We have one set of parents nearby who are both still working and enjoy their freedom so won't be able to help with regular childcare and the rest of my family are a few hours away and my parents do all of my sisters childcare so can't help us. We have found a nursery for ds for when I go back to work and it's affordable for us while I'm in work. However it wouldn't be affordable if i was on a second maternity leave. I'm torn between thinking it's best to wait until ds is 4 and heading to school before having a second (at which point I'll be close to turning 40 if we are lucky right away). Or do I pull him out of nursery while I'm on maternity leave and keep him at home with me and potential new baby? I'm worried about managing both by myself and disrupting ds if he's happy and settled in nursery and then having to resettle him again quickly before he goes to school? Similarly I'm worried about another tough pregnancy or having trouble conceiving closer to 40. What would others do in this situation?

As close together as you can financially and mentally manage imo!
I have 3years but looking back think actually closer makes a lot more sense, although a tough few years in the beginning

Do them as close together as possible. It’s just easier to already be in the throes of nappies and sleepless night than to go back to them. I waitiex until Dd was at school and she’s staying an only as I cannot imagine going back to the start again!

Soon there will be 30 hours for all 9 month olds so you’ll be able to put both kids in nursery for much less than it costs now.

Unfortunately I'm not in mainland uk so we get no help towards childcare unless the government here decide to bring that in but they've decided to use that money for other things in the past and with the way things are it's unlikely it'll be coming in any time soon. So we have to cover pretty much the full cost ourselves. This isn't an issue in itself as my salary would cover 2 places with a little left over but it wouldn't be possible when my wage reduces on maternity leave. I'd really love to hear people's experiences of raising a 2.5 year old and a newborn at home at the same time? What were the good and bad bits? What helped you if family weren't around to lend a consistent hand? How did you keep your small child from indulging their need for death defying feats while juggling a newborn cluster feeding etc. I don't mind a bit of mayhem but I don't want to be naieve either!

I had my DS when my DD was 2.5 years old. I was 37 and didn't want to wait any longer to have the second just in case we had any difficulties conceiving and not getting any younger etc. DD has just turned 3 and DS is now 6 months old. It's hard at times juggling the two on my own but you just deal with it. My DD goes to nursery one day a week and we have kept that up whilst I have been on maternity leave to keep the routine and to allow some one on one time for me and the baby. I get the oldest involved with the baby, changing and helping dressing him, passing muslins etc, she loves to help and loves to make him laugh. I also take them to playgroups etc to break up the day and gives the older one chance to burn off energy. You could continue with nursery but reduce the days to a minimum, if you can afford it? It's a shame you don't have the free hours available. Could you look into a childminder, as they tend to be a bit cheaper. If you want a second I would say go for it, you really do learn to manage and just get on with things. Generally you are a lot more relaxed with the second so that helps too!

I waited till DD was 4. Money was too tight and I had a long commute to work. I was 37 when DS was born and it worked out just fine. Don't put too much pressure on yourself. Good luck!!

I kept DS in nursery 3 days a week on ML but actually I think the days when he was at home were easier. I know it is frowned upon on here but I found this book really helpful

I’ve got exactly 2.5 years between my 2. It was really tough going, but my second born was a lockdown baby, so it was me, toddler and newborn at home for months on end (dh at work). If we could have got out and had visitors it would have been fine. Physically it was great, mentally it was terrible.

I also only and had a couple of months off work as I’m self employed so the money wasn’t really and issue and my eldest wasn’t going to nursery due to lockdown.

I wanted a 3 year gap so that the eldest was old enough to be a bit more independent and so as not to make him feel resentful of the new baby. I was 41 when I had my 2nd but no previous issues with conceiving. It worked out well as the older one was potty trained, eating well, sleeping well and eligible for 15 hours free childcare to give me a bit of time alone with the baby.

We had a 2.5 year gap which was perfect. The first year was hard, we outsourced a lot to nursery as we had no help, but the very best family times going forward over the years, holidays, days out, celebrations etc have been so much more enjoyable because it was easy to please everyone. A five year gap for example, might not sound a lot, but thenwants and interests of an 11 and a 16 year old for example, can be poles apart.
We didn't have to revisit the worst bit (the early months) after a long gap either.

Just over 2 years between mine and it’s great, they are good little playmates for each other and everything is age appropriate for both of them so we can all do things together. Made the 2 year old more independent and I got to spend more time with the 2 year old as I was on maternity leave with the baby. Still kept them in a nursery for a few mornings a week. Tbh if I had a 4/ 5 year old I’d find it hard to go through the baby years again.

Just under 2 years gap here. They are grown up now and have always been good friends. Having a baby and a 2yo is very hard.

2 years 2 months between mine and when they were both in nursery I was earning about £50 after fees but we managed on money saved beforehand.

I have 2 years between mine. It’s hard when they are little but really worth it when they are bigger. I kept my oldest in childcare part time which was the right balance for us - yes in some ways it was money we didn’t have to spend but those days with just the baby were really precious (for baby to have a bit more attention and for me to get some almost downtime).

We did 4 year gap which has been perfect. I mentally couldn't have coped with any smaller, i needed eldeat to be in school, only 1 set of nursery fees and a chance to increase salary between the pregnancies. But i was in my mid 20's when i had my first so had time on my side

I was a similar age to you. I definitely wouldn't leave it until they're at School. I've had a couple of DFs do this and both found it really hard to go back to the newborn stage, plus it can be difficult entertaining a 4 yo and and 8 yo. There a bigger gap between me and my DSis and we never felt close for many years so that might influence my feelings about big gaps though

In your shoes I'd wait until DS was one then start trying again.

Thank you so much everyone who's replied! I had a section with my first so can't start trying until he's at least a year anyways but lots of great food for thought there! Appreciate all the feedback so far!

Another DF wasn't trying and ended up PG anyway in her 30s with a 13 month gap. It was intense but they are both adults now and incredibly close.

At 35, I'd go as soon as you're able. I was 33 with DS but he mentally scarred us so much there's a 4.5 year age gap between him and twin baby brothers but I think a smaller one would actually have been easier. It's a decent gap in terms of what stuff we can all do together, he'll be starting secondary school whilst they're just going into juniors which will make school run interesting.

3 year age gap is great. Eldest should be toilet trained, fairly independent and won’t need picking up if you’re recovering from a c-section. You won’t have 2 sets of nursery fees because maternity leave will overlap with the eldest’s last year of nursery. You won’t need a double buggy and will be able to make do with a buggy board. You shouldn’t have to buy extra car seats because the eldest should move up to a booster when the youngest outgrows the infant carrier. It’s close enough to play together as they get older but not so close for rivalry to be a big problem.

But then you only know what you know! There’s something to be said for getting the hard stage over and done quickly too. I can only tell you what was right for us 😀

I was 36 when my DD was born and she's now 2.5 and has a 10 month old brother (born when she was 20m). I've got to be honest and say it's brutally hard at the moment, but we needed fertility treatment both times so I didn't want to wait too long in between in case it took a long time to fall pregnant (with age becoming a factor). I ended up having to pass up a promotion due to my second pregnancy, but I'm confident I can recover from this once I'm back at work. The people saying the early years with a small age gap are tough but worth it, you keep me going!

I'd say don't rush it too much, as I personally feel guilty that I can't give them both 100% of my attention, and that I'm so stressed all the time for them, especially in their early years. But they're already very close because of the small gap, and it does of course totally depend on your circumstances. I'm also very glad that I'm not doing this much older than I already am, as having two smalls is physically quite demanding. Best of luck, whatever you decide.

We have a 2.5 year age gap and so far it's been great. We've kept my eldest in nursery as she loves it, however I have a good maternity leave package which makes that do-able and I was able to save while pregnant for the 6 months nursery fees when I am not earning. I did find pregnancy with a toddler hard work, but very grateful for the gap now.

Really I think it depends so much on the personalities of your kids, which you can't control - wait until you're fully recovered from birth and pregnancy and feeling fairly sane and get enough sleep. For us that was about 18 months to start ttc.

I know some people get a loan or remortgage a bit to cover nursery fees, if really necessary. You might also be able to live more cheaply - you've already got the stuff pram, cot etc for a second. Most of our stuff is secondhand anyway, saves you £££

Yeah we've done really well this time around, as we lucked out with friends and family getting rid of pretty much everything we needed near the time I was due so only thing we needed to buy new was our carseat and a spare bed for the nursery because of dh shift work everything else we got second hand. We've paid a good bit of our mortgage thankfully but would want to keep going with that as wee have super limited storage so ideally we'd move as soon as we can to have another bedroom and attic and better garden etc so we'll just be saving as hard as we can really.

@NotAsOldAsIFeel thank you for your honesty it's good to hear from you as you're in the midst of it!

@FlounderingFruitcake that's a good point about the picking up and lifting, I hate the idea of not being able to lift and cuddle ds but I know realistically I'm likely to have a section again so it's definitely something to bear in mind. Just would hate for him to feel like a new baby was getting all the cuddles and he couldn't be lifted if he needed it. Although hoping dh could take longer off (he got 2 wks due to the time of year last time which flew in) and I could keep ds in nursery while I was on full pay for the first 18 weeks of my mat leave on my package which would give me recovery time.

mine are 18 months apart and I had c sections too. It was very tough until my second was 3 yrs old but so worth it in the long run. I went bank to work by choice 3 days a week after three months, both times, and it saved my sanity and was great financially too. Tough but worth it.