When to have a second

[Lavender14]

So I currently have a 5 month old. Dh and I would ideally love to have a second if we're lucky enough to conceive a second time (we had a lot of scares with ds and I was on bed rest for my entire first trimester, the rest was tough enough as well but by then I was so relieved that the negative symptoms like sickness and pgp were reassuring that things were progressing). I'm 35 now and while dh and I are both on good wages for our sectors we've just been able to manage to cover our bills while I've been on maternity leave and put a little aside each month for when I have no income for the last 3 months. But we've had to be very careful as it's been doable but tight. We have one set of parents nearby who are both still working and enjoy their freedom so won't be able to help with regular childcare and the rest of my family are a few hours away and my parents do all of my sisters childcare so can't help us. We have found a nursery for ds for when I go back to work and it's affordable for us while I'm in work. However it wouldn't be affordable if i was on a second maternity leave. I'm torn between thinking it's best to wait until ds is 4 and heading to school before having a second (at which point I'll be close to turning 40 if we are lucky right away). Or do I pull him out of nursery while I'm on maternity leave and keep him at home with me and potential new baby? I'm worried about managing both by myself and disrupting ds if he's happy and settled in nursery and then having to resettle him again quickly before he goes to school? Similarly I'm worried about another tough pregnancy or having trouble conceiving closer to 40. What would others do in this situation?

I have a gap of 2years 8 months. The only thing I would say is that it was bloody hard work before the toddler started nursery and has really helped her being there a few afternoons a week. Could you aim for when your toddler gets the 'free" hours once they are 3. I'm going back to work after 9 months as we just couldn't afford 3 months where I get no pay. Is that an option?

I'm in a similar boat! I'm 40 now though, and our DD is 10 months. We'll start ttc when she's one, so not long now! 😬

I get 18 weeks full pay on mat leave too, and this time, with annual leave, have managed to take 15 months off my main part-time job, which I go back to in early Sept. But, I've worked since DD was 7 weeks one morning a week in my second job because it's been lucrative enough to make it worthwhile. Is there any way you could set something like that up for yourself? If you take on a second job before week 26 of your pregnancy, you can keep it through mat leave from another job. If you're full time could you condense hours to do it?

I had a planned c-section due to breech and it would have been nice to just relax, but on the whole I think working one day a week was a good move for us. DD's dad took care of her by himself, which grew his confidence and helped them bond. We were so relieved she was ok with expressed milk from a bottle.

In June, DD will go into nursery 3 days per week, and I think we'll try to keep that consistent for her routine (and my sanity) while I'm on mat leave again (finances permitting). We'll probably try to replicate what we did the first time because it worked well, but of course there are so many variables! You mentioned that you have a nursery place, but would a childminder be a cheaper option, until your DC is entitled to free hours? That might enable you to keep them in some childcare at least during mat leave with DC2. Childminders might also be a bit more flexible than nursery with dropping down a day or two, then going back to full time etc.

I'm very nervous about all the things you mention with a second, including navigating a newborn alongside a toddler. But, I really like the idea of getting all the nappies and sleepless nights out of the way. Now DD sleeps through I'm dreading the return to it already!

20 months between my two and it's worked well for us. All age gaps have their issues but this way DD2 will always have been a part of DD1's life and hopefully it won't be long before they're enjoying the same activities etc. (DD2 currently eight months). DD1 adores her little sister, it's lovely.

It is full on though. Only manageable if there are two fully engaged parents.

Difficult to know what will work best without knowing the personalities at play!

Juggling two small ones can be HARD. Lack of sleep can be really tough too. Personally I prefer larger age gaps, but I can see why you might be worried about waiting.

Seconding what others have said about exploring child minder - can be cheaper.

Two years is a good age difference. And keep the older one in nursery if you can, as it will give you some bonding time with new baby.

Unfortunately I'm in a part of UK where we don't get any free childcare hours at all. It's a brilliant scheme and I wish they'd bring it in here but they used the money elsewhere before and with all the cuts happening its unlikely to happen.

@deliwoman1 how does that affect your mat pay, if at all? Is there a limit on the amount of hours etc you can do? It's something I'd be open to. In my field it's common to work in a few places only issue I've had is my ds wouldn't take a bottle or cup so I've never been able to leave him. Hoping to get more freedom when we start weaning!

@TinyTeacher I know logically it's silly but if I'm honest I've never really warmed to the idea of childminding. I know it's probably in my head as I work predominantly with SA survivors and we had a few local, really awful cases come out while i was pregnant where the perpetrators were childminders and their DHs so tbh that massively steered me towards nursery and even at that I struggled to find one I was happy to leave ds in. I know I'm just oversensitive to it because of my job and the vast vast majority would be totally fine but I just couldn't settle myself with it by the time we needed to get ds signed up.

I think the lack of sleep is the bit I'm most scared of- ds slept 1.5 hrs at a time between feeds the first few months and that was grand because I slept when he napped and dh took over when he got home from work so I could sleep but I know I couldn't do that with a toddler who would be awake most of the day! That's probably the bit most daunting to me because I think you can do most things with a decent bit of sleep behind you!