Discussing sex, masturbation etc… when? How?

[Onlywords86]

Hello,

I have two dc one ds one dd aged 4 and 6.
my partner and I want to begin discussing sex etc with them and I was curious how others here have approached this? Any tips? Anything you feel has worked really well? Anything to avoid? Any cringe stories?!

my mother wanted to do this well but came from a repressed 1950s background and it was always incredibly awkward and left out fairly major things like erections, orgasams etc.

I really want to get this right for my dd. I was very much raised in the ‘female bodies are shameful’ vein and want to change this with my dd (I used the term ‘vagina’ with my mum for the first time ever recently. I’m 42. It still felt awkward!)

You don't need to be having any 'conversations' with them. Just use the correct words for the genitals if they come up in conversation.

I talked about it with my eldest when he was about 10. I wanted him to know facts rather than hearing things from other kids. I've not talked about sex with my three younger kids yet, although my 9 year old knows basic facts about how a baby is made and periods but not the act of sex itself. I recommend just putting things into conversation when the opportunity arises, rather than a big sit down talk which can be overwhelming and embarrassing. I kept it factual and answered his questions. I don't think there's any need to talk about masturbation.

For this age and a bit older I would get this book. We use appropriate words and it’s not a taboo subject in my house. If I’m on my period I say I’m on my period and the bed my belly made is old and as there is no baby it comes out to make a new bed in case there’s a new baby.
We haven’t made a big thing about sex and the kids so far seem a bit un phased

Why would you want to start deliberately initiating conversations about this? Just foster an environment of open communication and answer their questions honestly when they come up. They will be taught everything when they're in year 5 and 6 anyway.

Shoot me if you like but I've got away with 'never'..

This looks brilliant, thank you!

I was really really open and honest with my dts when they were younger.
They were always instigated by them asking a question and this often led on to covering a wide range of related subjects- masterbating, healthy relationships etc. Obviously all done in a child friendly but factual way.
What I didn't know at the time is as they got older they forget about all the lovely child friendly information I presented smugly at the time and now they're older they refuse flatly fo discuss anything of the sort with me.
They managed a bit of a chat with their Dad recently. They missed the sexual education sessions in primary as they had covid unfortunately so we did feel like we needed them to have some sort of discussion about it.

Both partner and I really want to talk about masturbation. I genuinely believed it could harm me when I was a teen and felt huge shame/ confusion around it. Really don’t want that for my two.

I’m a teacher at a secondary school so have a pretty good awareness of how badly sex Ed is (often!) still taught and how things like masturbation are very minimal on the agenda a lot of the time. I’m also aware from my pupils how many damaging urban myths are still rife surrounding all things sexual and I’m keen my two know the facts.

Sorry, that makes no sense what so ever.
I'm trying to watch football whilst typing.

I’m confused as to why we wouldn’t want to start conversations about this…?

I feel like most kids will have some knowledge before year 5 and things can be worrying or confusing. And I don't actually remember learning much about sex in school. It was all about puberty and reproduction. Even in secondary, ( I went to a Cathlolic girls school, so may be why), but it was still all just focused on reproduction. There was nothing about contraception or what sex actually is. I learned the facts from my mum.

This is really helpful/ interesting. I like the approach of using a child initiated starting point to branch out. Sorry they are more reluctant now. I wish I knew a way around this! My two nephews (now in 20s) always chatted to their parents throughout teens but I’ve yet to work out what the secret to this was!

Masturbation is something that that they'll work out for themselves. Personally I wouldn't bring it up. They won't have shame surrounding it unless they've been brought up that way.

Yes, it’s exactly this that we’re thinking about. I am keen to do what we can to give them an empowering understanding of sex so that they don’t get misinformation in the playground.

Maybe because initiating these conversations in an age appropriate way normalises the human body, encourages them not to feel shame and goes a long way to preventing teen pregnancies and encourages them to make safe choices when they're older. I can't understand why any parent wouldnt initiate these conversations, it's part of parenting responsibilities.

My parents never mentioned it and I felt a lot of shame. I know from friends that they felt similarly. Masturbation for girls is something I’ve heard my students discussing a lot and never in a positive way. I think it’s still hugely stigmatised for teens and only really becomes normalised in your 20s unless you’re particularly lucky with your cohort.

I don't think 4 and 6 year olds need to be talking and learning about masturbation in the way you seem to be describing. I'd be thinking another few years like maybe 9/10? I never had any conversations with my parents about things like this and I grew up fine 😂 I am not saying it's not good to talk to your children about these things of course but I wouldn't go over the top about it especially at such a young age...I have a six year old and I would definitely not be sitting him down and talking about erections and orgasms at this age, no way.

Totally take your point, and we weren’t necessarily planning on jumping in with this all now, but as in my op, I was curious how and when other people had discussed this with their dc…

Mummy laid an egg is a good children's book about sex and how babies are made.

Sorry, but I suspect a first time poster who 'really wants to talk about masturbation' with their 4 and 6 year old, and wants us to share stories about our sex talks with our kids, is not acting in good faith.

Both partner and I really want to talk about masturbation to two dc one ds one dd aged 4 and 6

Reported. I bloody hope you are just a troll because that is weird af.

I assume this thread will get zapped but if it is genuine you start by introducing the names and jobs of the two reproductive systems. Then you can teach about menstruation, if your school has access to echalk there are some brilliant activities on there. A bit later you can teach about how the sperm fertilisers the egg. In the future ie when they are secondary school age you might then bring in how touching yourself is fine but it should only be done in private.

These are conversations that should happen naturally at an age appropriate level and over several years.

Is your partner your children's dad? Are you equally on board with this? I would be very wary of a man if he was keen to teach the intricacies of sexual reproduction at the age your children are. The names of body parts fine, but not masterbation etc.

This was my first thought too

That's not addressing things like masturbation, orgasm, oral sex and the like though is it 🙄

OP it's great that you are thinking of these things though. using correct terms now is good but with regards the other things, most are a long way off. When it was time I was always very frank. Sometimes I would say 'ok. Big breath time. Mum is going to talk about sex stuff' and then launch into it. Quite graphically. Actually saying things to my dd like 'look, boys are going to want to do stuff. You might or might not want to but I don't want you to be freaked out and not know what's going on. So let's discuss all the things you just have heard about and other things I think would he good to know about...'

I used a lot of break the ice by using humour stuff. Like anal sex. Come on. They know about it they just don't expect mum to talk about it. We laughed and they really listened. I talked about how different people like different things and most of those things are ok. Beastiality...not ok. Because no consent has been given... I also told my dd that who and how she had sex was her business. Once she was of legal age, frankly it's none of my business but I want her to only ever do things she wants to do when she wants to do it she with whomever she wants to do it with. She can sleep with no one or 1000 people and I'll never judge her. But she must be respectful of herself and her partner. once my dc realised there were no taboos and I was not going to judge them, things were easy.
I have taught my dc that pleasuring themselves is normal just be clean and private. There is no shame and it's good to know what works for you.
I always tried to pitch things just before I thought they were there. So everything has been organic Not everything all at once. Talked about dad and I want to spend some time together. They would roll their eyes and say 'jeez they are going to have sex' but you could tell they actually were happy that their parents loved each other and had fun.
Younger I would be frank about periods. They always ran in when I was on the loo. If I happened to be on my period so what. They learned that periods were just normal like pooping and peeing.
We are nit some mung bean hemp family and we dint bang on about this stuff daily but we have treated it like conversations about feelings, mental health, what to do when you cut yourself, how to cook pasta, how to warm your penis properly, how to deal with pubic hair in a swimsuit, pimples etc. just normal.