Discussing sex, masturbation etc… when? How?

[Onlywords86]

Hello,

I have two dc one ds one dd aged 4 and 6.
my partner and I want to begin discussing sex etc with them and I was curious how others here have approached this? Any tips? Anything you feel has worked really well? Anything to avoid? Any cringe stories?!

my mother wanted to do this well but came from a repressed 1950s background and it was always incredibly awkward and left out fairly major things like erections, orgasams etc.

I really want to get this right for my dd. I was very much raised in the ‘female bodies are shameful’ vein and want to change this with my dd (I used the term ‘vagina’ with my mum for the first time ever recently. I’m 42. It still felt awkward!)

In my case the masturbation conversation and up with my dd because she found my clit stimulator and asked what it was. It was either be weird and say nothing or just tell her. There is no shame. It's not weird. I didn't talk to my sons about it. I think they just sorted themselves out but I think in popular culture bits learn it's normal. I don't think girls/women do

Girls don't always know it's normal In fact someone up thread just said that. You don't have to go into graphic detail. Just that pleasuring yourself manually is something many people choose to do. Age appropriate obvs. It did allow me to teach my dd that most women can't orgasm through PUV alone. I want that girl to have a fantastic sex life and not get into middle age or never before she realises that sex can be great which I think happened to a lot of women. I want her to own her sexuality and know what to ask for and to feel entitled to do this. But embarrassed. Let's face it. Bits dint have a clue. Neither do many men. How are they going to learn unless the person with the fanny tells them

Jeez of course a parent of young dc can't be genuinely asking. It's a troll it's a troll it's a troll..... that's the problem. People are so uptight they can't believe it can be normal to want to bring their dc up to be less repressed that they are so they insist it must be a weirdo

Not repressed at all thanks. But I've seen enough first time posters pop up keen to ask women to share experiences all sorts of intimate things, so one asking to share stories about talking to young children about erections and masturbation does raise concerns for me. But please crack on and share your experiences if you have no problem with it.

@littleburn I already have thanks

You’re quoting out of context!! Yes we really want to discuss this AT SOME POINT! I have specifically said I’m interested when people bring this up and that we do not necessarily plan to bring this up now.

I think it’s astonishingly old fashioned that you would report someone for wanting to include masturbation in sex Ed discussions with their children.

I’m not a first time poster… I’ve been using MN for years… confused why you would think this and why asking for advice from other parents on discussing sex etc would ‘not be in good faith’. I thought MN was precisely for sharing parenting experience??

Ok, just catching up with these replies and I am genuinely bewildered why 3 people now think asking others about their experiences with sex ed makes me a troll who should have their post removed … that sounds to me massively Victorian. Is talking about sex to your children still so taboo? I’ve said we’re not planning on discussing everything now but I’m curious how and when people have brought this up. I believe the ‘when’ is even included in my topic…

This is massively helpful. Thank you!

Also helpful. Thank you!

Thanks to those who have shared their experiences, I really appreciate it.

Just to clarify, I have used MN for years. I do vary my username (as I know others do) just because I know friends also use it and also as a teacher I have to be very aware of any online footprint. I am not a first time user.

Also, to be very clear: we’re looking to the future as well as the present. With dc the age ours are we are aware there has been interest in where babies are from and there is already interest in genitals, plus I know ‘sex’ is a word used in my 6 year olds social circle.

I also know from years of teaching secondary students that the 11 year olds enter the school full of often scary and harmful misinformation about sex, and whatever parents might want to think, sex ed in school by and large isn’t great. It’s taught by untrained teachers in their ‘free’ lesson using resources made by an external company often only looked over in the 5 minutes before a lesson. I have huge issues with this as I believe SRE is a hugely important part of growing up and I want to give my kids the best start in terms of healthy relationships. Statistically a lot of children will have been exposed to some kind of porn before entering secondary school, which horrifies me.

I was genuinely interested in how others approach this exactly because it’s something that you need to get right age wise.

For example, ds plays with his penis - I don’t want him to feel this is shameful, I also don’t want it happening in the middle of a public swimming pool. I don’t want him having to think about adult sex - far from it - but I don’t want to bs him about why it goes ‘pointy’. Surely I’m not the only person on MN to come across these things?

So you tell him the facts, "it goes pointy because when you play with it the blood rushes to it, this is called an erection. It is fine to play with yourself but it is something to be done privately and if you do it too much you can make yourself sore." And then revisit the NSPCCs Pants strategy.

Age appropriate, matter of fact, biological answer that leaves the conversation open to other future topics.

Oh my god. What is the absolute insistence on Mumsnet that all men are paedophiles? Surely educating a child on reproduction and sex Ed is proactive parenting. 🙄

OP, apologies as you do appear to be a genuine poster. However my messages of caution are not because I'm repressed or Victorian or whatever other terminology people are using. I think discussing sex with our children in an age appropriate way is a laudable thing. Yes mumsnet is a parenting site - and one aimed predominately at women - but that unfortunately means it also attracts some sad individuals who post questions for sexual kicks. Someone who appears to be a first time poster, wanting us to share stories about very personal things (in your case, discussing very specific aspects of sex with our children), fits that trope and people will flag that up.

@BodyKeepingScore Not all men are predators but a known technique is to break down boundaries by talking about sex, then perhaps showing them sexual acts etc and because it is done so openly the child never thinks anything is a miss. Children are at greater risk from men that are not related to them and sexual abuse is far more common than most people think. It's important thing to question if he is not their dad or is pushing this topic more than the OP is ready for.

The original post came across a bit trolly although others much less so, so I apologise as the OP seems more genuine now.

In terms of safeguarding, children of specific ages are not expected to be aware of certain sexual things and that forms part of the traffic light approach, a 4 year old knowing names of body parts a-okey, a 4 year old knowing in depth about anal sex and masturbation less so and will be a red flag.

Sexual education is important but at an age appropriate level with the biology aspects coming first followed by the emotional and sexual aspects years later.

Yes, I speak from experience teaching Biology and sexual intercourse to key stage 3.

Looking back what would I have done differently? I think the main thing would be not to assume there was a day they could be told everything about a sex topic while up to that point it was off the agenda. I remember the big sit down 'now mum is going to explain', things like what you heard last night, what that thing you found was, where babies come from, that its ok to do that but just when you have privacy... I now think life is easier and less traumatic for kid and parent if its a drip drip thing with information on sex naturally being passed as info on most things are, obviously without sexualizing the kid. Easy things are using anatomical words from the getgo, letting them know boys and girls have different bodies and bits, explaining privacy as time we all should be able to have to do things we dont want others to see (toilet, changing, checking our bodies...). There were definite opportunities I let pass to say stuff. Our daughter would sit reading and without cares put her hand between her legs (over clothing) and shut her thighs. She was 6. We let it pass but maybe a gentle comment about it and it being something for in private could have helped. If it had raised an innocent 'why' then what an opportunity that would have been to say we all can get nice feelings down there but its not something we do in company. Another incident I would hsve handled differently was being overheard having sex and our son being upset we were 'fighting' and mummy was getting hurt. We just denied it but as we knew he was masturbating by then how easy to relate personal pleasure and orgasms to couple pleasure and intercourse.

So I believe, use right body part names and take opportunities to start conversations when they present through their discoveries or questions.