Anyone get more stressed with kids when DH is around?

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I have two young kids and feel like I get more stressed, cranky and impatient with them when my DH is around. Does this resonate with anyone else?

I have often thought it was because I felt on high alert to hoe he would react to their behaviour and how Im handling them but now starting to wonder if it's also a little bit of resentment that I'm dealing with the stressful DC situations more regularly and it's actually him I'm cranky and impatient with??

Either way none of this seems fair on DC but just wondering if anyone else recognises this dynamic.

It’s much easier when we are both around - two parents to do meals, bath time, cooking, shopping, clearing up, bedtime etc rather than one.

I get more stressed with DH when the kids are around.

I recognise it very well! When he's around I get irritated that I'm still doing the majority of the parenting while his biggest input seems to be in a sort of consultancy role - letting know how I should be doing it better 🙄
When I'm on my own I can parent just how I want to without feeling judged

I did when I was married, not because of anything to do with DS, but because exH would kick off at every tiny thing DS did that incovneiceved or irritated him. He'd accuse me of being a bad mother or have a go directly at toddler DS.

I was constantly on egg shells to prevent a kick off from an 18 stone man child.
Hard work. Much easier on my own, even though DS can be extremely challenging it's so much easier when I can just concentrate on helping him regulate himself.

I think this is exactly what I mean & how I feel. The idea of the "consultancy role" made me laugh

I get a bit like this when I'm close to the edge - I think for me it's a way of asking for help without actually asking for help. As in, a really shit way of communicating that I need him to take over

Yes I kind of know what you mean.
For example DH will start to get 2yo DS changed, DS will start to have a tantrum, I’ll try to distract him/calm him down and before I know it I’m getting DS changed and DH is still just sat on the sofa.

I’ve started to just leave the room when it happens and let him deal with it (if it’s something he’s already started). I don’t want to let myself get into the habit of sorting everything out.

Ex dp has adhd and would monologue for hours on end about nothing at all. The kids would then fight for my attention and I'd get overwhelmed and then snappy with them.

Yes. I feel judged by him.

Yes, happens here too.

When I look back on it, I think me being a bit "short and snappy" is a bad way of letting my DH know he should be helping me out rather than sitting on his ass and scrolling through his phone.

Internally, I'm annoyed that I'm still bearing the full brunt, even when he's home.

A friend and I have discussed this, we both feel it's because when you are on your own you just have to deal with it, but when you are both there you are both always half looking to the other person. Eg if sat watching TV with toddler and she spilled a drink, by myself I'd just jump up and sort with no thought. If DH was there I'd look over to him to see if he was going to move, say he was looking at his phone and hasn't noticed, I'd feel a bit annoyed, then either deal with it or ask him to, which might then lead to a bit of discussion about what has happened and one of us feeling put on. Its a lot worse if we are both tired/stressed already.

Yes we have definitely found this too. I think because when DH is around I get irritated as I'm still doing 99% of everything, and have the added job of asking if he can do certain things as he doesn't just think oh that needs doing before going out like packing the bag or whatever and I will also end up sorting things like lunch out for him too as he doesn't take the initiative to do things so it's like I'm not only looking after LO but also him. I find it tiring having to ask him to do things when he should be able to see something needs doing and not me have to ask him to do it like they are my chores and that he is kindly helping me out if that makes sense.

My DH was working from home on the days I have LO and it was stressful as we don't have the biggest place so he'd sit in bed working and I'd feel like we had to go out most the day so he could have quiet to get on with work. He now goes to a coworking space on these days and it is so much more relaxed and has really helped.

This was me tonight. My frustration was misplaced at child when it was him i was pissed at for having no urgency and faffing about with dinner instead of getting him to bed!

I did.

And now we’re getting divorced. It’s better now.

Bingo for me

Yes but thats partly because Dd starts to misbehave when we are all together. Dh is very much focused on DD so it’s not that he’s shit. I think it’s because we are on our own we often managed with one of us taking DD at a time so we didn’t spend that much time out together. But now she gets really excitable and she doesn’t like it if we talk to each other and she’s not included so even a brief conversation involves DD shouting over us for attention. It’s hard to get much done in a relaxed way. I think both of us find it easier to be one on one with DD.

It’s different parenting styles as well, if Dd falls over and scrapes her knee DH will spend ages soothing and carry her around and make a huge fuss wheres I’ll say “oh dear theres a bit of blood, I think we need a plaster” check that she’s ok, give her a cuddle and move on. I feel like I spend ages waiting on them when we are all together.

I get this.

I think it's partly to do with the mood though. My DH is amazing but he'll get home from work then wind up my DCs - he wants to play with them, find out about their day etc. in their world they've been playing for hours, been to school, are now chilling on their iPads. So then one ends up in tears, needs me, they're too tired to talk etc. it's a tough balance.

Yep absolutely. I feel frustrated that he just slopes about conveniently not being there when DD needs something or he just ignores her so she comes to me, then I get overwhelmed more quickly/easily because I feel under such intense pressure to meet her needs because I know he won't always do this. Also if I leave them alone I always have to go and intervene because he can't get her to do anything and seems to totally lack any negotiation/distraction skills so will just stand there saying 'no you can't have another biscuit' repeatedly whilst she gets increasingly upset. I can't take this out on him/bring it up or he shouts and swears at me. I'm planning to leave.

I hear you OP. Same here. Even though I live DH dearly, I find I can deal with DCs ether when on my own.

I think it's to do with having my own agenda with them or something.

Having another person in the house is another person to be aware of.

Yes, a very familiar dynamic. I'm separated now and a far less stressed mum. I used to snap at the kids when really they weren't doing anything wrong and I was just feeling exhausted/unsupported/under-appreciated and that was my way of expressing my feelings (I did recognise, usually too late, that I was being unfair). Things are so much easier now. I don't feel either resentful or judged. I'm free to organise my time as I like and generally things run well and we (me and the kids) get on very well and there's no drama. It's so much better not having another adult in the house.

Yes I get you op. I think I was frustrated that he was sitting there and not doing anything! And the consultancy comment made me laugh! He still tries this. Luckily we only have 1 DS and he's nearly a grown up.

Whenever my ex tries to correct my parenting I laugh and tell him to sit the fuck down

Interesting to hear everyone's replies and see that this actually seems quite common. I definitely feel judged at times and definitely resonate with the idea that its me trying to (very ineffectively) communicate that I'd like help. I do offen wonder if I'd be a better, more patient parent if I was single and just get on it all so it isn't great but realise I do need to try and not let his presence, comments etc influence my approach as much as they do.

Like a PP, he exclusively works from home so there's no break from feeling this way either.

It's all the above plus the added "while your in the kitchen can you" "are you going upstairs?" And if I have the AUDACITY to ask him to pass me something I get the "look" he looked at me like he had no brain cells seriously a mannequin looked more alive than him

I remember one day when he was telling me about his childhood (for no reason at all) I was changing a nappy on ds2 and ds1 started to have a nose bleed I said quick pass me the tissues (ds got distressed about blood) he said what? Tissues quickly! He AGAIN said what? Like he couldn't believe I was talking over him 🙄 he pointed to dd (Across the room) and said SHE can get them I flipped FUCKS SAKE THEY ARE BY YOU PICK THEM UP AND PASS THEM OVER he STILL didn't help I ended up holding ds nose shut using a baby wipe (which tbh was better than the tissue) finishing the nappy one handed while he chuntered in the background about my "disrespect" he eventually got in his car and left his mom rang me so I "didn't worry" I said I wasn't worried I was fucking furious he was acting like a dick 🤣 she said well he thinks you don't respect him 🥺 I pointed out that anyone else seeing their child covered in blood might show concern not cause an argument (his nosebleeds were awful like you turn a tap on full blast)

It's WAAY easier without his ass around here

Yes i know what you mean OP.
I find my DH being stressed around the kids, makes me stressed too. I definitely deal with situations in a calmer manner when he's not around.