Son says he doesn’t like nursery

[worriedmam2]

My son (aged 3 yrs 3 months) started nursery 3 weeks ago. Initially he seemed to be enjoying it but this week he has cried hysterically in the mornings on handover and is now saying he doesn’t want to go back. I looked around about 5 nurseries in our area and picked this one as I liked the staff and the environment and it has lots of good parental feedback - and I’m happy with my choice. However, the fact my son is telling me that he doesn’t want to go is making me worry.

WWYD?

Do you get any photos of the day? My son used to be miserable at handover but there was plenty of evidence that he was having a great day and he always came out cheerful.

Give it a bit of time as he may like it again.

In my case DS loved nursery after a while, but DD always hated it. (In the end a became a SAHM but that isn't always an option).

Yes, he looks fine in the photos. Not ecstatic but fine. However, I worry the pictures are just a few snaps from the day - how do I know what he’s like the rest of the time?

It’s normal - they have a strong attachment to you as their parent and that’s healthy. It doesn’t mean they don’t enjoy nursery while they’re there! And also it teaches them that mummy always comes back and they can rely on that knowledge throughout life 💚

I’m just so upset and feeling so guilty that he’s saying he doesn’t want to go.

Husband is saying that he needs to get to grips with the nursery environment now as otherwise school will be a nightmare. But 3 seems such a young age to leave him with a load of people he doesn’t know.

I honestly feel at my wits end and don’t know what to do.

Mayb the environment doesn’t suit him try a childminder or a forest school.

He may have realised that this is every week and not an activity he does now and again, it does take some children longer to settle. He is probably more tired than he has been previously which makes a difference, hopefully you will find he is settled soon.

You could mention to the nursery that he seems upset this week and see what their feedback is.

I could have written this. DS is three and started nursery three weeks ago. The first week he loved it and since then he’s cried every drop off. I cried the other morning and one of the workers told me it just takes time for them to settle. All the other children have been there a lot longer and he’ll be fine. I get photos too where he seems to be enjoying himself. Has your DS ever been in any other childcare? Mine hasn’t at all, he’s always been with me or his grandad so it helps to remember that it’s a huge deal and adjustment for them. It’s only been a few weeks and I really think they’ll get there in the end.
Sending solidarity- I know it heartbreaking when you’re worried they’re upset while there.

After 3 weeks would you give it longer or just give up at this point? I do need to work so do need to find some sort of care for him.

No, he’s never been in any other childcare, other than my husband’s parents looking after him one or two days per week.

Are you in work or just sending there to socialise? How long is he in?

3 weeks is nothing; my 1 year old took months (!) to settle and even now at 28 months often cries at handover to his childminder (but lots of happy photos when he’s there, including minutes after huge crying at drop off). Persist, though it’s horrible now!

I feel so guilty and worried. The staff seem absolutely lovely and I’ve spoken to other parents who really vouch for the place. So I’m not sure moving him to another nursery is the answer.

Keep going. Can he tell you a specific thing that he doesn’t like that you can fix? Eg DD1 struggled with her coat when she started nursery. I can still remember after all this time, sewing a bit of ribbon around the zip so she could get it off more easily. She was much better after that.

I do really need to work - we could just about exist without my salary but it would be very, very tight. He’s there 3 days per week.

Sorry, OP, it is hard for both of you.
but - you have to work so he has to go. That is a fact of your life. Your DH isn't beating himself up about it, and you don't need to either.

Ask him lots of positive questions: What did he do? What was the best thing? Did he play with any of the other children? What did he eat and so on.
Make it a conversation with him, so that he recalls the nice things rather than remembering the missing you, which is what this probably is.
He will settle, and all mums who put their children in childcare feel terrible at first, but you are widening his horizons and also helping him to learn that it's ok to be somewhere else and have fun.
My next bit might not be so popular, but IME children who have never been in childcare find it terribly hard when they first go to school.

Is he able to tell you what he doesn’t like about it? Are the days long?

Our 6 year old was the same with pre school when he had just turned 3. He was much better a year later, felt more ready for it. Looking back we wish we hadn't forced him to go against his wishes.

I’ve asked him lots of positive questions but should I try to ask what he doesn’t like as well?

I’m really worried that his confidence will be destroyed by this as he gets so upset when we drop him off.

He’s been doing 8.30am to 4pm.

My 3yo started in Jan and still gets upset before he goes and still cries at drop off. He is fine the rest of the time and enjoys himself, just doesn't want to leave me.

I'm a teacher in a Nursery/Reception too and I can honestly say it'll get better. Don't give up now. Just keep going. It's tough so sending 😘

Do you think that sending him when you did had any detrimental effect?