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Son says he doesn’t like nursery

48 replies

worriedmam2 · 04/05/2023 20:08

My son (aged 3 yrs 3 months) started nursery 3 weeks ago. Initially he seemed to be enjoying it but this week he has cried hysterically in the mornings on handover and is now saying he doesn’t want to go back. I looked around about 5 nurseries in our area and picked this one as I liked the staff and the environment and it has lots of good parental feedback - and I’m happy with my choice. However, the fact my son is telling me that he doesn’t want to go is making me worry.

WWYD?

OP posts:
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worriedmam2 · 04/05/2023 20:34

Could sending him when he’s upset cause long term confidence or anxiety issues? As someone who’s been hampered by both I think that is what is particularly worrying me.

OP posts:
Hopingforbetterluck · 04/05/2023 20:38

I think it’s worth asking if there’s something specific he doesn’t like. My DS kept saying don’t like it, don’t like it and when I asked what he didn’t like he said it was the singing. I explained this to his key worker and they were very good about it and said they’d find a little job for him to do outside while they did singing. If you’re happy with the nursery and the staff I would think they’d be happy to work around something that’s a specific problem and help you DS as much as possible. I really think it’s worth persisting though, they need to learn to socialise and take instruction from other adults before school and three weeks is not enough time to see if he’ll settle. It’s most likely the fact he’s realised it’s a regular thing rather than the setting that doesn’t suit him.

AuntMarch · 04/05/2023 20:43

Theres a child at my work who cries every morning... And then we can barely get him to leave at the end of the day! Some children just hate the goodbye.
Of course, there could be something specifically about the setting/routine that is upsetting him so I do think it is worth asking him. Does he talk about his day at all after you pick him up?

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Louoby · 04/05/2023 20:45

I would definitely give it more time. My two boys have been going since 11 months and 8 months - they both love it. I think the fact that your son is 3, he has an opinion and hasn't been in childcare before, so it is just something to get used too. If you pull him out, he will understand that if he says he doesn't want to go then he doesn't that's too. What about when he starts school at 4/5 years old? He has no choice but to accept that. I would give it 3 months before chucking in the towel. X

Merrow · 04/05/2023 20:46

I agree about asking. I couldn't work out why DS1 was so much happier when he went in on a Friday - I thought it might be because he went into a different room that day with older children and that would suit him better, or that he liked the staff in it better. Spent ages trying to decide whether to raise it at nursery and worried I was failing him by not wanting to cause a fuss / insulting the staff. Then he got a bit more verbal and it turned out that there was a car he really liked in the room he was in on the Friday! Hopefully there will be something really simple that can be changed that will make him happier, but it's a really big change and he might just need more time.

For what it's worth my DN didn't like nursery, she was a real homebody but had to go because her parents worked. It was a nice nursery but just never really clicked for her. She's now a very happy and well adjusted 8 year old with plenty of friends.

mynameiscalypso · 04/05/2023 20:47

My DS has been going to nursery for nearly 3 years. He still sometimes tantrums in the morning and doesn't want to go. But 1) he always has a brilliant time; and 2) DH and I both have to work. 3 week is not long at all.

Truestorypeeps · 04/05/2023 20:49

worriedmam2 · 04/05/2023 20:32

Do you think that sending him when you did had any detrimental effect?

Good question. It's more the guilt that we have over insisting he went in when he was in floods of tears, BUT this was just something called ECCE in Ireland which is for 3 hours a day and my wife is a SAHM, so he didn't HAVE to go in, we just wanted it for the same reasons as others, to get them used to socialising, a routine, take the first step before school. I suppose he is more clingy than other children his age in terms of doesn't want to go to bed without you next to him and he is a very sensitive soul. Hard to attribute to us leaving him, it could just be the way he would have always been.

You might feel better if you go an hour earlier than they are expecting you, unannounced, and see how he is. My wife used to work at a crèche and they knew what time parents were due so they'd do all they could to try and make sure that child was happy and not upset, even if they had been crying all day long. Some do, most don't.

SleepingStandingUp · 04/05/2023 20:53

worriedmam2 · 04/05/2023 20:24

I do really need to work - we could just about exist without my salary but it would be very, very tight. He’s there 3 days per week.

Then def persevere. Speak to nursery staff, ask now he is, call at lunchtime and check in with them, maybe get him to draw you some pictures of what happens at nursery?

Truestorypeeps · 04/05/2023 20:53

worriedmam2 · 04/05/2023 20:34

Could sending him when he’s upset cause long term confidence or anxiety issues? As someone who’s been hampered by both I think that is what is particularly worrying me.

When he says he doesn't want to go, it might be less about not enjoying it and more him saying he would rather stay at home. This of course is totally normal. I do feel for you OP if you really don't have much choice in the matter. I think if he is anxious and upset, forcing him, if it can be avoided, should be avoided as it won't help matters. He'll mature a lot in the next year.

worriedmam2 · 04/05/2023 21:02

I’m so worried it’s doing him harm. But what choice do we have? I suppose I could get a weekend job so I could look after him in the week and my husband at weekends.

OP posts:
worriedmam2 · 04/05/2023 21:04

As I say, he seems happy enough on pick-up. But then says he doesn’t want to go back.

OP posts:
DucksNewburyport · 04/05/2023 21:09

Three weeks is nothing OP! I'd leave it a bit longer, it will get better.

Barleysugar86 · 04/05/2023 21:19

My son had been home with a parent until his three year old hours kicked in. For weeks we had horrible drop offs and were called to pick him up early on several occasions as it wasn't fair to let him continue to be so upset.

A few months in and he was eager to get going every morning. We also had a big jump in independence from him, but in a positive way, wanting to try harder to get himself dressed etc.

He ended up loving nursery. I wouldn't make any choice for a couple of months, honestly I think he just needs to adjust to this being the new normal. If you did relent now you'd only have the same again when reception rolls around.

Beatlonliness8 · 04/05/2023 21:54

worriedmam2 · 04/05/2023 21:04

As I say, he seems happy enough on pick-up. But then says he doesn’t want to go back.

I would ask him why. When he says “I don’t want to go!” You could say “You don’t want to go. What’s making you feel that way?”

Sometimes kids escalate because they want to be heard. Instead of saying “but you like it when you’re there”, you could say “you don’t want to go” (or echoing whatever he says) so he feels listened to.

It’s like if I told my husband “I’m tired,” and he said back “how can you be? You had tonnes of sleep!” I’d insist that I’m tired (and feel annoyed). But if my husband said, “Yeah, you’re tired today,” I’d feel listened to. If that makes sense?

But it might be that nursery isn’t right for him. If that’s the case, what about a nanny or a nanny share? They’re about the same price as day nursery where I live.

And one thing that helped my DC (who loved nursery but never wanted to go in the morning and still struggles with transitions) was both listening (the echoing back what he said trick) and showing him photos and videos taken there the day before. It worked to motivate him every time.

But if listening / showing photos doesn’t work, and he doesn’t get better, it might be time to start looking into nannies / nanny shares?

Blondeshavemorefun · 04/05/2023 22:09

3w is nothing

He has always been with you and now he isn't

You have to work

You liked the childcare setting and pics

He will be ok

My daughter was the same - started after first covid lockdown

Had never been there. I couldn't look around. And never allowed inside - left her at the door crying

But

Think by half term was ok so 6w ish

I hated leaving her crying but they told me she cheered up few mins after I left

I know as a nanny and childcarer and now a mum it's best to just go and left Staff sort them out

Doesn't mean it isn't hard and I feel for you

And even now sometimes at 6 she cries when I leave her at holidays club or a party

I always text and she's happy as anything 2 mins later

Soonenough · 04/05/2023 22:19

I worked in a preschool that had 2 -3 year olds. It started in September. Some kids were absolutely fine right from the start , others took much longer. We always said that if any child wasn't happy by Xmas , then we had a problem.that needed to be addressed .

Mamabear04 · 05/05/2023 10:21

DD started nursery at 3.2y and it's taken almost 4 months for her to stop crying on handover. She's much better now she's made some friends and even looks forward to seeing them. She still tells me she doesn't like nursery but I think what she means is that she doesn't like being away from me. It's so hard but keep going and he'll settle. Maybe would help to speak to the staff? It's horrible seeing them upset but nursery is so important for social skills/preparation for school.

Lcb123 · 05/05/2023 10:26

Keep at it, keep being positive and excited about it. It's not going to get easier the older he is.

Mabelface · 05/05/2023 10:38

It's because he wants to stay with you. He knows that he'll have fun at nursery, but being with mummy is far better! Give it more time. The fact that he does settle once he's there is a really good sign.

With my eldest son, I used to have to hand him immediately to his key worker and leg it. He'd cry for 5 minutes then get on with playing. He actually loved being there, but preferred me over everything.

NameGameChange · 05/05/2023 10:39

Could you speak to the nursery and ask them to help come up with a plan to support drop-offs including more reassurance? Eg one of his favourite carers comes over and hands him a special toy, or engages him in something every morning?

Capitalismwantsyou · 05/05/2023 10:43

Is there an option for shorter days? Mine was much happier with half days, full days are exhausting

Capitalismwantsyou · 05/05/2023 10:44

Just go with your gut feeling, you know best

Keha · 05/05/2023 20:14

Sorry, haven't read full thread. DD started nursery recently, also 3. Liked it for two weeks then got really anxious for about 6. She's getting back to liking it now. I think the novelty wore off and she realised she had to keep going plus she hadn't really made many relationships yet. To deal with it we really empathised with her, told her we understood it was scary but we're quite clear she had to go and said it was to learn about meeting new people and going to school. We did quite a lot of playing we were pretending to be at nursery at home, I'd pretend I was scared, she'd pretend to be me or the nursery teacher. We didn't dismiss her being scared. We tried to learn the names of adults in her room and a couple of kids and would just chat about them eg "Do you think Katie likes bananas?" if eating a banana. She took a soft toy in with her a few times. We talked about specific toys and things we'd seen in her room and big then up. When she got home we'd praise her for being brave and how she'd done well to go to nursery but tried to avoid things like "see it wasn't that bad".

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