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Original poster

Grown adults winding up little kids

27 replies

annoyedbypeople · 02/05/2023 13:45

My bil is a plank, has zero skills when it comes to communicating with young children. He spent the whole bank holiday weekend at ours and all he has done is wind up my 4yo to the point where there were tears, meltdowns and anger spurts. He would tease, mock, trick ds to the point where all weekend my ears were constantly pierced from ds shouting and screaming in defence. He is only 4yos where I removed several times from the situation telling him to stop it where I can feel ds's heart racing from being so upset. Many adults spend time with ds but whenever bil is around, he just winds ds so much that it gives me anxiety.

Yesterday I shouted can you stop winding him up, what sort of pleasure do you gain from upsetting such a young child who is still emotionally developing. I told DH next time he comes over to place him in a hotel. Honestly I felt like punching his brains out. Honestly this isn't because he is my pfb and he should learn to be resilient etc but I honestly cannot deal with the upset that it causes and for me to go and console him each and every time just because my thick bil enjoys watching a young child having a meltdown.

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Iminthemoneylife · 02/05/2023 13:54

My Dad used to this. Every time he started to do it I said stop teasing my child, she doesn’t like it. He soon stopped. I would challenge it every time. Perhaps suggest something he can do instead eg play lego, read a book. BIL sounds well
intentioned but clueless.

Iminthemoneylife · 02/05/2023 13:55

Unless you think he enjoys your child being upset in which case just tell him to f off.

Lottapianos · 02/05/2023 13:56

'I would challenge it every time'

I agree. Adults who do this are no better than bullies, controlling and upsetting a child for their own amusement. It's pathetic behaviour

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beccahamlet · 02/05/2023 13:57

A lot of men do this. I think they think they're being amusing, and the kid is having fun. I would call him out on it. Three hits and you're out.
1 Please can you stop teasing him. He doesn't like it and it's no fun for anyone.
2 if you don't pack it in we're leaving.
3 we've had enough. We're off.

YolayCaprese · 02/05/2023 13:58

Your BIL obviously enjoys upsetting a small child. I wouldn't allow him around my small child again.

Original poster

annoyedbypeople · 02/05/2023 14:05

Bil is absolutely clueless about kids and doesn't have any of his own. It's so distressing to witness such a young child getting into a situation where they are literally screeching and sobbing. I see it as bullying and had a go at DH for allowing it to happen on his watch too. We only see him couple of times a year thankfully but this weekend has really been testing for me as I was this close👌

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Original poster

annoyedbypeople · 02/05/2023 14:08

Bil thinks it's a way to show love but a 4yo doesn't understanding being mocked and teased is love and to me it looks like bullying. Love is when you get to their level and play with them, gain access to their little world and share those experiences.

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AlltheFs · 02/05/2023 14:12

Just refuse to see them again @annoyedbypeople
If your DH insists on inviting them, disappear for the weekend. And repeat.

I absolutely would not allow this to happen, it absolutely is bullying. You don’t need to be a parent to understand that. He knows full well what he is doing.

ItsNotWhatItsNot · 02/05/2023 14:12

No one on earth thinks bullying a distressed kid is ‘showing love’, don’t allow him to spin bullshit like that, prioritise your kid, don’t make him be around bullies.

readbooksdrinktea · 02/05/2023 14:16

BIL sounds absolutely awful. Your DH should have stopped it. Good on you for standing up for your child.

Hotel for BIL in the future.

fairycakes1234 · 02/05/2023 14:18

he hasnt kids, my brother would have done that too, always slagging and calling then names, and talking to them like they're adults, it annoys me and i told him to stop but he stilll does it, having said that they love him and get great craic from him but that because they're older now so they get him

hotcrossmummie · 02/05/2023 14:19

Why have you let this happen? You should have nipped it in the bud the first time instead of letting it escalate.

Tell him if he's going to continue then he's not welcome, it's really very simple.

FictionalCharacter · 02/05/2023 14:22

ItsNotWhatItsNot · 02/05/2023 14:12

No one on earth thinks bullying a distressed kid is ‘showing love’, don’t allow him to spin bullshit like that, prioritise your kid, don’t make him be around bullies.

Absolutely.
Does your husband just sit there and watch him do it? If so you need to have a serious word.

monsteramunch · 02/05/2023 14:24

What does he say when you tell him to stop?

And when he continues, how firmly do you tell him to pack it in?

It's horrible being a kid getting teased and wound up by a grown up and just having to put up with it because nobody steps in, or they do so in a wishy washy 'aah leave him alone now' way instead of firmly and definitively.

He's making your child cry with upset, it's horrible and you and DH both need to be stepping in and stopping it not watching it continue.

wombridgewalkabout · 02/05/2023 14:25

My BIL did this when ds was a toddler and I made it clear it wasn’t acceptable. He stopped.

In your case I just wouldn’t let him be around your child again. He’s been told and carries on. That’s not ok.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 02/05/2023 14:38

I would jump in there each and every time, at the first hint of him doing it, and tell him not to. If he didn't stop I'd be asking him to leave.

Original poster

annoyedbypeople · 02/05/2023 14:39

We haven't seen him in over a year but I noticed it more this time around as ds is much more articulate in his speech than he was last time we saw bil. I also said to him first time around smiling I'm going to make his kids cry too in the future by teasing them hoping he got the hint but not that I would ever do something traumatising ever and second time I just finally snapped!

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Prescottdanni123 · 02/05/2023 14:42

If the person you are teasing doesn't like it or asks you to stop or gets upset or cries or a mixture of these things and you carry on, it is mot teasing anymore. It is bullying.

Everytime your son gets upset, I would ask "What is a grown man like you getting out of bullying a small child,"

Call it what it is. Some people don't realize that actually it is not someone else being unable to take a joke, it is in fact them taking things too far.

mamakoukla · 02/05/2023 14:45

Your husband needs to have a word with his brother. Sometimes siblings have more leeway in being plain spoken with the facts. BIL is clearly not able to understand he is causing distress to a 4 yo. It’s not acceptable. A joke is once or twice.

WhatNoRaisins · 02/05/2023 14:52

It's one of those things that's seen as normal in some families while being really horrible for the child.

It sounds like BIL needed snapping at and I think someone needs to intervene every single time that the teasing happens.

YolayCaprese · 02/05/2023 15:02

You can also empower your four year old on this.
My DP's BIL behaves like this and we've told our kids to shout any of the following:
Leave me alone
Stop touching me (he pokes them)
Get away
I don't like that, stop it!

My dc know full well who he is and tell me they don't want to see him. If he is present they stay by my side and turn their backs on him if he approaches. And that is totally fine. I'm quite happy to tell him why! We usually don't see him but sil occasionally springs him on us.

One time he was due to be at a meetup and dp sent her a message saying "tell him to leave my kids alone. Entirely."
He didn't turn up.

AlwaysGinPlease · 02/05/2023 15:05

If that were my child BIL would be picking up his teeth on the way out have been told to leave and never to return.

OnLockdown · 02/05/2023 18:18

My dad used to do this to me. A long long time ago! I've thought about it since and I really can't understand why! He was and is an otherwise normal/sane/loving person.

OnLockdown · 02/05/2023 18:20

Just to add, if he ever tried it with my DC I would shut it down straight away in no uncertain terms.

RedTulipsSpring · 02/05/2023 18:22

I agree with others, it’s bullying, he’s enjoying the power he is asserting over a small child. It’s absolutely pathetic and I agree that he shouldn’t stay next time.

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