DD doesn't like her Gran

[rootsandwings89]

I've just returned to work after 2nd child, my mum has moved closer to us and is very kindly looking after him so I don't have to pay nursery fees.

I also have an older DD who is 6. I stayed home with her until she turned 3 and we are very close family not used to having others around to help much.

My DD doesn't like me being back at work and openly sulks when my mum comes over to babysit. My mum is quite strict and a bit old school so they both clash.

Has anyone had similar experience? Any advice on how they can get closer?

What do you mean by “quite strict” and “old school”?

Following as I have the exact same problem with my 5 year old DD. Its a rubbish situation but you are not alone x

Does your dd have a point ?
Is your mum too strict or are you too soft ?

Adults and children don't 'clash' - your child is telling you something. Please listen.

If old school meant smacking and making children eat everything on their plate then I would turn down the free childcare.

If old school means things like scraping their own plates and putting in dishwasher then that would be ok with me.

Is the issue u r too soft or yr mum is too strict?
If u r having issues pay for childcare, lots of help available to help with fees rather than putting on relatives.

I think I am probably too soft sometimes, which makes it a shock to DD when she's looked after by someone who isn't.

When I say strict/old school I don't mean smacking or anything, but she's a bit more "tough love" and doesn't put up with sulking/tantrums because children should just do as they're told etc. she isn't very affectionate or maternal.

I would never leave my kids in charge with someone who I thought would smack them etc.

My mum wants a relationship with her but I think she thinks it should just automatically happen

The reason she looks after the children is because she wants to have a relationship with them after living very far away, not so much the cost of nursery fees ... although it is a huge help and we would be broke if we had to pay for a nursery

Is the issue you being back at work, so DD would clash with any child care, or is it just your Mum ?

Oh okay. She “doesn’t put up with sulking/tantrums”, so basically she isn’t looking after the emotional development of your child and just wanting her to shut up so she doesn’t have to bother with her.

When I say strict/old school I don't mean smacking or anything, but she's a bit more "tough love" and doesn't put up with sulking/tantrums because children should just do as they're told etc. she isn't very affectionate or maternal.

I would never leave my kids in charge with someone who I thought would smack them etc.

The only at she treats your child is just as damaging

Well, a few things. If this is a pretty new situation (you being back at work, Gran doing babysitting) then it’s probably fair that it will just “automatically happen” in that time and familiarity will do their work and they’ll all learn to get along better.

In the meantime, you could suggest some activities for your mum to do with DD that she likes, and make sure you spend some fun time with her as a family i.e. days out etc where she’s not the only adult in charge.

And remember to cut your mum some slack too - young kids after school aren’t always the most reasonable, they’re tired and grumpy and not much fun! So it’s not necessarily a bad thing if she has a stricter routine if that helps her cope.

I feel like it's just my mum. She looks forward to seeing most people but if I say Gran's coming over she starts complaining. Sometimes they're fine but I think it's mainly because my DD knows she won't get her own way as easily!

But my mum gets defensive very easily, so if I try to suggest she try talking to her in a different way etc. she gets offended and says she already does

I think you need to support your daughter more or pay for childcare. I would not pick someone like your Mum look after my child.

I feel like some examples might help here. By not putting up with tantrums, do you mean that your mum doesn't give in to whatever is being demanded (which is generally fine imo) or do you mean she shouts at your DD, tells her that crying is naughty etc (not ok imo)? What is it your daughter wants to get "her own way" over? So there's a big difference between e.g. wanting to choose what she wears or saying she's not hungry enough to eat all her lunch, vs wanting to take all the toys off her younger brother and not let him play etc.

I wouldn’t want somebody like your mum looking after my small child, sorry. Paid or unpaid, it shouldn’t make any difference.

Should any childcare provider put up with sulking and tantrums?
Does dd understand that working =money =food + clothes +treats?

Well, I love my children to bits and I don’t put up with tantrums either 🤷🏻‍♀️

Is she just cross that, with you, she gets her own way and with your mum she doesn’t? Because if that’s the case I would look at your own parenting style first.

Sorry but we don’t put up with sulking/ tantrums in early childhood education either.

The fact that she is not very affectionate or maternal stands out for me. When I was a child my mum was strict and we clashed loads but she was loving and kind. My stepmother was not strict but also not affectionate and not at all maternal and I found her much more difficult to be around.

Could you try and identify some areas where your DM and DD might bond? Maybe things you remember positively from your own childhood? I'm thinking along the lines of baking/making dinner together, watching a favourite film or TV prog, taking turns reading a favourite book to each other. I guess things that they can do side by side without too much direct interaction.

Sorry but we don’t put up with sulking/ tantrums in early childhood education either.

Eh? Aren't tantrums a completely natural phase of development as young children's brains haven't developed yet and they struggle to process their own emotions?

She sounds similar to my mum. She’s not very affectionate and she’s probably stricter than me but she’s not a horrible person. She doesn’t give in to sulking or moaning. She was a teacher for many years so knows how to handle kids whereas I don’t and tend to go for bribery which she wouldn’t do.
If your daughter hasn’t spent much time with your mum then she won’t have much of a bond. But that will come over time. My kids love my mum and enjoy spending time with her.

Would you hire a nanny or childminder who didn't offer comfort if they hurt themselves ?

I understand why it's easy to overlook this aspect of your mum because you were brought up by her so it's your normal plus she's saving you money but it's easy to see why dd would rather someone like you was looking after her.

It's not surprising that dd is complaining and not close to your mum.

Do you think that this is a wake up call that you should handle sulking and moaning differently? Giving into tantrums creates problems when kids are older and the stakes are higher.

Yes it’s normal development. No we don’t accept screaming tantrums over nothing, we have many different methods of deescalating the situation. But we also firm. You can come and talk to me when you stop shouting.

Give them more time . It takes time to build a relationship and a bond if your dm has just started looking after her . It will come eventually, it’s just teething problems and adjustments.