V Overweight DD12

[Teddypops]

Before I start. I know this is a very sensitive subject. I don't wish to push my DD to have an eating disorder. I know I need to approach this in a sensitive way.

However, I have in the past approached this in a sensitive manner and we are here. She is very over weight. She had a large stomach and is the largest in her year.

I have been trying to encourage her to be more active. She goes to dance classes, netball classes and tennis lessons each week. All of these activities I have had to encourage (push) her into as otherwise she would do literally nothing. She had tried every sport under the sun and never stuck at anything apart from these. She now enjoys them. (Yay!).

However she still binges. She hides food in her room and eats at each and every opportunity, I get that she gets hungry and I try to compensate for this by giving her a big heathy packed lunch. (Brown roll with ham and maybe cheese, carrot, cucumber, cherry toms with hummus, Babybel, yoghurt, skips or low cal crisps or a go ahead bar). And fruit for lunch. But she is getting bigger and bigger.

If I give her money for school dinners she eats pizza, chips, cakes etc.

We have had to start hiding food from her as if I buy a box of protein flapjacks or crisps (low cal like skips or baked etc). They are gone within 24 hours.

There is always fresh fruit and veg available. But she rarely eats fruit.

I am overweight too, I'm a size 18. Struggled all my life with my weight. My mum tried everything I have tried and I ignored it all. I am now at a point where I am losing weight but my skin is saggy and ruined.

She is not depressed. She is into her clothes and beauty and is very pretty with blond hair etc.

I have tried to approach it in the past but she shuts down on me and thinks I'm the worst human ever.

Without judging me, if there is anyone who has been in a similar situation and has any good advice I would be happy to hear it.

We generally eat good healthy meals at home. Normal meals would be -

Pasta with meatballs - 5%mince, wholewheat pasta. Tomato sauce.

Chicken with home made chips and salad.

Cottage pie - 5% mince

Tuna pasta

I know we have too many carbs and I am on a lower carb diet at the moment so will be looking at lower (not too low) but upping the protein and the veg but lowering the carbs.

I'm going to start making dippy eggs for breakfast. She often has wholemeal bagel with marmite as I hoped it would fill her up.

We have the occasional meal out, but she doesn't like Chinese or Indian food so she doesn't have take away.

I'm at a bit of a loss.

I don't believe there is any medical issues at play.

Also, to add, is there any chance that your DD could have ADHD or autism as both are co-morbid with binge eating? My DD1 was only diagnosed with both at the age of 14, due to her successful masking.

I would consult a GP and nutritionist on your own, as she seems sensitive to the subject. It’s great that she seems to feel confident, but as PP have suggested she may be masking (and unfortunately it’s not easy to know which ‘side’ she’s on, so this is nothing on you).

You would at least get suggestions on diet and exercise (her lunches clearly are upsetting her for instance, although you are clearly doing it for the best, they will surely be able to help you a lot I would think with that aspect). If you’re confident in her diet, it’ll already be a great step.

The fact that she is binge eating suggests there is an issue already : please note, I don’t mean this negatively or a gigantic problem as she is only 12, just that it has the potential to turn into a bigger issue as she grows into the full teens. So good on you for tackling it now.
I don’t know if she would be open to you mentioning you’ve noticed she binges (obviously formulated differently : ex you still seem hungry after tea, if you are just tell me and we can work on meals - maybe best after asking the nutritionist once you have a good idea on portions)

Last thing, easier said than done, but a long term peaceful and healthy approach, like with everything, is much likely to render better results. But you are right I think to intensify the investigation for yourself right now, 12 is still ample time both psychologically and physically.

As you haven’t mentioned her size though, I don’t know if any of this is worth anything.

Best of luck

For disclosure : I was a binge eater as a teen (I was taken into care at 10), gained weight about size 16 5’7, and stopped pretty naturally around 20 because it was comfort eating, and have been on the slimmer side since, not much weight variation, and I don’t think about it really, it just sort of stabilized itself.

Sympathies OP
I am in a similar boat. Struggled all my life (well, since adolescence) with binge eating and yo-yo dieting. I have 3 daughters and the eldest 2 seem to be able to eat in moderation/self regulate. The youngest has no off switch and I see myself in her so much! It’s very difficult. But I think my issues stemmed from low self esteem along with it and sending my parents despair/disapproval at watching me get bigger and bigger so I got into the diet trap.
So no answers but I know what NOT to do, as do you I think!!
it is such a complicated issue. I am an intelligent woman who is generally high achieving in other areas and can achieve what I set my mind to, but the simple thing of eating less/better consistently is something that seems beyond me.
like you I have learnt I am extremely sensitive to/addicted to sugar and carbs and so do best when I avoid or limit those.

one thing that comforts me is thinking that there has already been greater understanding of obesity and overeating in my lifetime so surely things will get better for our children.

and to protect their self esteem and stop them getting into the diet/binge cycle as much as possible.
i knew others that were over weight teenagers but turned it around at uni/in their 20s as they didn’t seem to have the deep rooted issues that I had.

Please don't do this, weighing her, talking about calories in vs out etc is a fast track way to an ED. You also don't want to encourage weight loss, ideally she will just stop gaining more weight and grow in to her current weight.

Tbh if she's happy as she is I'd keep an eye, encourage activity but otherwise leave her alone.

It would be worth her having a full medical check as there are a few conditions that lead to binge type behaviours.

I don't have time to read the whole thread but have read the first few posts.

I think it is portion size, OP. Her healthy packed lunch is still quite a lot of food. I'm 5'9 and just over 11st and couldn't eat all that for lunch. If she sees that as a standard sized lunch, she'll be looking for that quantity at other meal times too, and probably not worrying about lower calorie options when she looks if she's not worried by her weight.

I find I get obsessed with food. I wake up thinking what can I eat. I've put a bit on lately (BMI still in the healthy zone but I definitely want to lose a bit of weight to feel better). It's worse the more sugar and processed crap I eat. I have to force myself through a detox for a few days and start eating better after.

I don’t agree that your meal plan at home is actually that healthy. It sounds really carb focused and not a huge amount of varied vegetables in those meals. I would be looking to do a fresh smoothie for breakfast with at least 6 or 7 fruit and veg included. And then a good sized side salad for lunch with some grains and pulses included. That would give you 7/8/9/10 portions of fruit and veg a day which would be great health wise and I expect would be quite transformative for you. I’m not saying the meals you’re eating are solely responsible for anyones weight but I don’t think it’s all that great and could be better. I also think that whilst you say you don’t want to give her an eating disorder - of course you don’t - I don’t think hiding food is a normal behaviour… have you had any advice from the GP or any specialists? I would seek some outside help. Good luck to you xxxx

I'm the gentlest possible way if she's hiding food she maybe already has an eating disorder. I was the exact same way at her age. Obsessed with food to the point of OCD. I would look at getting her referred for some counselling. Try to reduce portion sizes at meal times. I really feel for you. Good luck x

Also blood tests in case there's anything physical such as thyroid.

I would come at this from another (public health) angle. Listen to the van Tulleken podcast series 1 “A thorough examination” or read Chris Van Tulleken’s new book: “Ultra Processed People”. Think he also did a BBC show (for adults, not operation ouch). They all cover Ultra Processed Food and why it is hard to switch “off”. Really interesting but crucially takes the blame away from overweight/ obesity. I’m trained in the area and still had a lot of preconceptions overturned. If she is not eating real food (not wrapped in plastic, no additives or anything you wouldn’t have in a normal kitchen), then it can affect vulnerable people to cause massive overeating. For most it causes overeating (hence rise in obesity since their introduction). I found it fascinating.
Good Luck. Another one here who was “encouraged” to lose weight and shamed for perfectly normal teen eating behaviour. Only just emerging from the guilt 30 years later. Have sworn would rather my DD be overweight than have such a terrible relationship with food and her own body. But I know that my mother acted in what she thought were my best interests.

So in general, do people think (especially with a younger child like 7yo) -
— it’s better to accept she’s going to eat a large volume and make swaps eg. Skimmed milk if she likes to drink milk, low fat yogurt, sugar free jelly. ‘Lighter’ cheese, occasional low calorie crisps, low calorie bars
or

• stick with high calorie but unprocessed things like full fat Greek yogurt, full fat cheese, nuts, cold meats, fruit, eggs, veg sticks and hummus dip etc. which might be more calorie dense but might reduce cravings and give fullness?

its hard to know what to do for the best
I also am wary of completely banning things like sweets and chocolate bars for fear of making them more desirable and her going mad when she does get the chance for them

you need to not have it all in the house. that includes you and dh sorting your diets out too. you can't expect her to listen to the preaching when her parents still pig out, those evening meals are all too much too heavy too much fat!

meals should be lean protein, rice/potatoes/ and veg. your portions sound huge and that lunch box sounds huge too.

if you're a size 18, I can't really blame her for not following your advice!

Sadly she is hiding food, this is what needs tackling and as a pp said this is already an eating disorder.

You need to seek medical help, yes she will not like it, no one likes to be told. She isn't listening to you, has already formed bad habits but as a family you need to find a way forward. DP needs to stop "fuelling" in view, you need to not push her to hide food and your dad needs to stop stealing and sneaking food.

I will say a lot of that is from experience. I grew up in a family of overeaters. I had a few years in my late teens (17-20) where I gained a lot. I went from 50kg - 66kg in a year. I must have gained 13kg in 8 months, which was a lot for me. i woke up and lost the weight fairly quickly, but my brother is still very very overweight. it was normalised at home which was the problem. I'm much smaller now after 3 kids.

you need to not push her to hide food and your dad needs to stop stealing and sneaking food.

@CatRatSplat if only it were so simple to solve the addictive nature of eating disorders which can take many years if not a lifetime to ‘cure’.

well it wont cure if you dont do anything. stop making excuses I agree with@CatRatSplat

In my experience, binging isn't about hunger - so I don't think trying to find magic food which fills her up is the answer. I binge regardless of how hungry I am as it's about satisfying an emotional need not a physical one.

So I'd abandon all the thoughts about food / shopping / eating / diets / nutrition and focus on her.

Posing for selfies doesn't mean she doesn't have self esteem issues - it could just mean she's able to fake it for a certain amount of time - then comes home to binge to comfort after that effort to fit in?? Just one example but I'd focus your energies on trying to make her as happy, confident and content as you can rather than fixing the symptom. Find the cause

also never have bagels there's so much more calories etc than normal bread! you have have 4 pieces of bread equal to one bagel.

An obvious suggestion: can you build exercise into her day, by for example walking to school and back. 15 intense (ish), exercise in the morning is worth an hour in the evening. Fast walking is really effective, particularly if there are any steep hills.

Dr. Mike Mosley has done great research on weight management, he has written a book.

@EmmatheStageRat at no point in my post did I say about a "cure" or about a "quick fix". You read into the post something that is not in there.

The OP @Teddypops asking how to start and I mean start helping her daughter to be aware of the families' issue. The first steps I suggested are to model good eating and get additional outside help as it appears to be needed.

Neither in isolation. I tried to stick with full fat etc but changed ratios - much higher proportion of vegetables ans fruit and lower amounts of high calories/high fat foods.

I would suggest it sounds like she has an eating disorder already, she's got an unhealthy relationship with food and I think that has to be your focus initially rather than how much she weighs (as in don't worry about weighing her and getting her to see the pounds come off, she's a child, she doesn't care about the pounds). My suggestion would be to go to the GP and get a referral to a suitable professional to help with this. But as others have said you need to be the role model. Ideally don't have unhealthy food in the house at all. You've said she steals money to buy unhealthy food, so you need to be careful to ensure all money is kept somewhere not accessible to her so she can't do this. Personally I would continue with the large portion sizes but of healthy foods rather than change too much initially. When she becomes used to the change in type of food then start to reduce the portion size.

Amen to this - instead of the posts comparing calories in bread and bagels. Eating disorders are extremely complex and need sensitive and supported management.

Came here to say the same.

Her eating is severely disordered already.
She needs psychological help, not WW.

Good luck

I would only make small changes and not do anything like weigh her.

Buy slightly smaller plates
Serve an extra portion of veg with each meal
Stop buying the crisps/yoghurts/whatever she binges on or only buy half as much
Try to avoid processed foods

She doesn't need to lose weigh, just to stop gaining.

I'd like to point out that the NHS says a 13yo girl (this is their page on teens -- but let's assume a 12yo would be only slightly less) needs approx 2,200 kcal a day.

Some of you who think these portions are massive may be significantly underestimating what's normal. A lot of the advice on this thread--teaching preteen girls to calorie count! Noom! is actively bad and not recommended by professionals. There's also the illusion that parents are fully in control of their child's weight. Quite a lot of research says it's not.