V Overweight DD12

[Teddypops]

Before I start. I know this is a very sensitive subject. I don't wish to push my DD to have an eating disorder. I know I need to approach this in a sensitive way.

However, I have in the past approached this in a sensitive manner and we are here. She is very over weight. She had a large stomach and is the largest in her year.

I have been trying to encourage her to be more active. She goes to dance classes, netball classes and tennis lessons each week. All of these activities I have had to encourage (push) her into as otherwise she would do literally nothing. She had tried every sport under the sun and never stuck at anything apart from these. She now enjoys them. (Yay!).

However she still binges. She hides food in her room and eats at each and every opportunity, I get that she gets hungry and I try to compensate for this by giving her a big heathy packed lunch. (Brown roll with ham and maybe cheese, carrot, cucumber, cherry toms with hummus, Babybel, yoghurt, skips or low cal crisps or a go ahead bar). And fruit for lunch. But she is getting bigger and bigger.

If I give her money for school dinners she eats pizza, chips, cakes etc.

We have had to start hiding food from her as if I buy a box of protein flapjacks or crisps (low cal like skips or baked etc). They are gone within 24 hours.

There is always fresh fruit and veg available. But she rarely eats fruit.

I am overweight too, I'm a size 18. Struggled all my life with my weight. My mum tried everything I have tried and I ignored it all. I am now at a point where I am losing weight but my skin is saggy and ruined.

She is not depressed. She is into her clothes and beauty and is very pretty with blond hair etc.

I have tried to approach it in the past but she shuts down on me and thinks I'm the worst human ever.

Without judging me, if there is anyone who has been in a similar situation and has any good advice I would be happy to hear it.

We generally eat good healthy meals at home. Normal meals would be -

Pasta with meatballs - 5%mince, wholewheat pasta. Tomato sauce.

Chicken with home made chips and salad.

Cottage pie - 5% mince

Tuna pasta

I know we have too many carbs and I am on a lower carb diet at the moment so will be looking at lower (not too low) but upping the protein and the veg but lowering the carbs.

I'm going to start making dippy eggs for breakfast. She often has wholemeal bagel with marmite as I hoped it would fill her up.

We have the occasional meal out, but she doesn't like Chinese or Indian food so she doesn't have take away.

I'm at a bit of a loss.

I don't believe there is any medical issues at play.

Can you afford something like Gousto? The great thing about the meal delivery services are that they control your portion sizes so could be helpful to help you reset to what is a healthy portion size.

I would not have any junk food in the house, and I would not give her crisps for snacks. You say you have no sugar in the house, but if you’re giving her crisps and simple carbs, her body metabolizes simple carbs like sugar, so it makes zero difference.

Your diet is very high in simple carbohydrates and she probably needs to eat more protein and high fiber veg. It’s ok to have pasta once in a while, but once you have pasta, rice, noodles, crisps, chips, etc…you have a diet high in refined carbs.

I would 100% educate yourself in the micro biome. Tim Spector from King’s has a lot to say about it and a lot of practical, easy advice. For some people is can be life changing.

Does she drink her calories? Pop, juice, etc..?

I was meaning for the OP who struggles with portion size. Some of the tips may work for her DD as teens hate to be tricked by advertising for example.

OP, your dd's behaviour isn't normal. It sounds to me like she may have an eating disorder.

Bingeing, concealing evidence of eating, stealing money to buy food and so on are all classic symptoms of bulimia. Bulimia is very hard to spot as sufferers don't look unhealthy in the way anorexia sufferers do - they either put on weight due to the bingeing, or stay the same, as they're throwing up what they're eating.

Your daughter isn't eating the amount she is because she's hungry. That's the reality here.

Teenage girls are incredibly good at masking. Your daughter may seem perfectly happy and content with herself on the surface, but this could all be a front. I've been a teacher for a decade and I can't tell you the number of girls I've taught with eating disorders and other MH issues who presented as being sunny, happy, perfectly well balanced young women, until one day the facade came crumbling down and the reality of the pain and suffering going on underneath the surface came out. Parents are often the last to realise, I'm afraid.

If your daughter won't talk to you about how she's feeling, I would suggest speaking to her school about your concerns. Getting support through school and through your GP would be your next best steps. This isn't something that's going to go away by itself.

I second @EnidSpyton I think there are worrying signs of an eating disorder, and speak to the school. And your GP, I think. Hope it gets better

I have a 12yo DD who is in the NHS 'very overweight' category. In our case she is autistic and finds it difficult to know she is full (interception issues). She also craves sugar and we have locked up chocolate since she was 8. It's complicated by various issues that make exercise difficult and she's a very restricted eater so I can't just give her more veg. However I believe we have managed to reduce her weight gain and possibly even stabilise her weight over the last few months by working on her understanding of when she's actually hungry and when she just wants to eat and providing alternatives for when she just wants to eat (chewing gum, low calorie drinks or ice lollies, low calorie jelly). She doesn't have free access to buy things at this age unless it's an occasional trip out with friends, there's no option at the school she goes to and I drive her in every day.

I’m also picking on the words:
buggest in year
saggy skin
pretty/blond - I tell her she’s beautiful.

its got to be a focus on health not looks OP

Yes I came on to say this it's worth watching

I wouldn't make everything be low fat as it tends to be less filling. Eg your mince and yogurt.

It's very likely portion size, have you looked at the recommended for pasta etc?

Could you trial gousto and pick the super healthy ones and cook together a bit?

You are just eating lower calorie versions of the same crap you usually eat. That’s the problem. I really don’t mean to be hard on you - I was in exactly the same position as you. Until I substituted to high fibre -/ wholegrain / unprocessed / cooked from scratch foods more often I didn’t lose weight.

The food she likes such as pizza and pasta are the healthiest things out there when you make them yourself. Do that more often and make takeaways / processed food the once in a while treat it should be.

This is an excellent point.

This does need to be a whole family change and it won't be overnight either. Would DD like any gym classes or trampoline or something like that as well?

I’ve been listening to the book as an audio book “why we eat too much” having been similar to your DD when I was that age (my brother & sister were not!) and i have an autistic tween who is doing the same (I also have a teen DD who isn’t like this at all so it’s not just parenting but genetics playing a role). It’s not simple but I recommend the book plus the comment about ADHD or ASD issues with knowing the signals around hunger / full, seeking sugar for that dopamine hit.

Cooking from scratch, watching portion sizes, real food not processed , less wheat / sugar more veg & protein, and daily exercise that you enjoy.

Apologies if this has been suggested. But would you mind me asking if you have already approached the Dr?

At 12 she has hormones tearing through her body that could of been for at least 3 years, and if there is an issue, like the Onset of PCOS or similar, then she could very well be battling extreme lethargy, cravings, mood swings and the rest of the nine yards! I speak from personal experience! 12 is a horrid age, and our bodies are out of control! She needs to go to the Dr, get some bloods done, and all the diet foods put in the bin. I would really encourage you to start her on a diet that centres around insulin resistance, and have a look into what sweetners and low cal/diet foods do to our blood sugar 🙈

She is lucky to have a Mum that cares so much about it though 🫶

No real suggestions beyond not having cash in the house and not having any snacks that are not fruit or veg.

Does she get involved with meal planning and cooking? You can ask her to join in with you suggesting healthy family meals and cook to suggested portion sizes. It can be you having healthy meals for your benefit rather than anything to do with her.

I have a 11yo who is similar. I don't have any solutions.

The stealing is the worst for me. She ate a hidden dairy free Easter egg I had stashed for her sister the other day and i am still annoyed.

I am wondering whether she has autism - she has a few other signs and the school has suggested it.

Just in case that is helpful for you.

Good luck. Tell me when you have found the answer!

From what you said it’s all the hidden sugars in the food you give her, low cal doesn’t mean healthy, low fat yoghurts are full of sugar try and give her veg rather than fruit, adults need 12portions of carbs a day don’t try and withhold carbs they are vital especially for growing children.

Three things occur to me:
First, puberty. I’ve always been slim but around 12 I piled on weight seemingly overnight. It made me really self-conscious and upset even though I wasn’t that large. Looking back, I now understand it was due to hormonal changes at puberty. It settled down, but the psychological effects (blaming myself, thinking I must be greedy) stayed with me for years. So maybe chat with her about changes in a positive way as if she starts to dislike herself that will only make things worse.

Secondly, and obviously, diet. You can make some changes that will help you and her. What you’re looking to do is very gradually cut down her portion sizes and also change the proportions of foods on her plate (less carbs, more veg and possibly more protein). The changes should be so gradual she doesn’t notice. With things like pasta, weigh her portion so you know the starting point (don’t let her see this) and gradually reduce it over weeks. Fill the gap on the plate with veg. You could also add a side salad as well, partly to fill her up but also to revamp your meals, making them look fresher, different, smarter and distracting from the other changes you’ve made.

Thirdly, there seem to be some psychological issues around food. As someone who suffered from an ED, I can’t stress enough how sensitive young people can be even if they don’t show it. I took mild comments and internalised them as awful criticism. It wasn’t just food, I felt undervalued, underappreciated, etc. Never underestimate her sensitivity. Make a point of making small comments that make her feel good, competent, mature, etc, etc.

Good Luck. I’m sure you can help her. You sound very loving.

I could have written something similar about my 15 year old DD. She has always had a big appetite and I think unfortunately follows me. She has seen me over the years being strict with my diet and exercise and struggling to not be overweight.

Observing her over the years she has my eating habits. Even if we eat healthily we have to discipline ourselves not to eat snacks/ junk and unfortunately she lacks willpower.

My mother is the same

She is body confident, dances and thinks she is beautiful. She would love to be slimmer but not if it means depriving herself of food she enjoys.

I have tried not having any biscuits/ chocolates/ crisps at home but she buys them herself. We have stopped pocket money but she gets from grandparents and I noticed she tends to hide sweets etc in her room

I don't think there is an eating disorder. I think she just likes to eat crap and can't control herself f

Ongoing battle and not sure which approach to try for the best

If she leaves it there's a huge chance she will follow in the OPs footsteps and be overweight for the rest of her life.

This is really bad advice.

f I give her much less she comes home and binges.

If the food she likes binging on isn't at home then she can't binge on it. No one got fat eating bucketloads of broccoli!

Since using my fitness pal I never fail to be amazed at how small an actual portion of food is. It's way smaller than I thought. The worst culprit is cereal. A portion is tiny. Not that I tend to eat cereal but just as an example. When you have the privacy to do so I suggest weighing your typical portions and putting them into my fitness pal. Use the barcode option. Compare to what the nutritional info says is an actual portion. Slowly build up a library of your eaten foods to see what you are eating over a typical week. Once you know that you can then work your way down slowly to a normal portion. A spoonful less each time or whatever works so that it's not very noticeable and I agree with pp about reducing plate size. A normal portion looks lost on modern plates. If you google average plate size back in the 60s or whenever and compare to now there's at least 3 inches difference from what I remember reading.

The bingeing, hiding evidence and stealing point to this being a problem that needs professional input

Following because I have the same issue with my fabulous, confident 11yo. I'm trying to address it subtly because there's no way in hell I'm doing anything to dent her confidence the way mine has been all my life (and yes I'm overweight). I can hear her now, dancing round the front room like a loony, she has bags of energy but will eat anything in sight and takes things that aren't hers. It's very very hard to address.

i come at this from a different angle- I was an overweight child and I wish an adult had worked with me to tackle it head on and healthily, rather than being left to diet alone at 14.
i would have an honest conversation about her binge eating- nothing about size or looks- but rather the damage she’s causing.
id also tackle portion size- google some correct size portions and have the resources to hand when you make up dinner. Start walking places to get things you need, claim the car isn’t working etc.

Ds is younger but had similar issues. My learnings:

1. She has to.want to be healthier. She's old.enough to understand that endless.crisps, chocolate, snacks etc aren't good.

1. If she likes food and is always going to want to eat a lot, you need to shift what you eat. Pasta is not a great choice - a big portion is v high calorie. What we did was to shift what we ate so that there was a much high ratio of veg and protein. Eg we have pasta no more than once a week now and when we do, it's made with a chunky sauce - lots.of meatballs or tomato,

Chorizo and aubergine etc. The rest of the time we eat, for example, salmon with a big pile of stir fried veg and rice. Or steak with new potatoes and a big salad. Or grilled/roasted veg and halloumi in flat breads. Ds likes food so is quite happy to eat like this and I make a point of making it tasty - I don't pile boiled vegetables on the side and expect him to fill up.

And is that the worst thing ever? My mother has been overweight all her life. I would rather have been the same than have the terrible relationship with food I have as a result of her trying to “save me” from the same.

@Teddypops I’m a few years ahead of you in that DD1 is 15 but I have been battling her eating disorder since she was about 10. DD has binge eating disorder; bulimia is where people purge. My DD is now very overweight and she literally ransacks the house to find sugar and carbs. She also steals money and bank cards from my purse to fund her binges; I liken it to having a drug addict in the house. We live in a dustbin as DD conceals her wrappers everywhere she is expressly asked not to; so inside her pillowcases, in my wardrobe, in her sister’s bed, along the underside of every rug as well as inside the sofa etc etc.

I would wholeheartedly recommend the BEAT website and resources, although, truthfully, I do think it is an organisation whose primary existence is to support those living with anorexia. There isn’t really much support for those suffering from binge eating disorder or their families. My local CAMHS won’t take my DD on their case load as they only have NHS funding to support cases of anorexia.

I am exhausted by years of literally taking my handbag and purse into the loo with me to prevent raiding; yesterday, I hid the remaining few of my DD2’s Easter chocolates that hadn’t been consumed by DD1 in a bag and put it in the washing machine. DD1 has previously sniffed out chocolate and sweets and treats in the shoe polish bag! She has no regard or respect for boundaries or anyone else’s share; she is determined to eat her share, my share and her little sister’s share of EVERYTHING!

Of course, people will shame and blame and suggest that no treats should be purchased and that it is my/your fault for wanting to have a healthy, balanced diet that includes the occasional Easter egg for DD2, who is seven. In the interest of transparency, I am an M&S size 10 and I probably have a BMI of about 19/20 and DD2 is a racing snake who eats and eats but burns off her food and also has an ‘off’ button. By contrast, DD1 is literally never full and it seems to me that her every waking moment is consumed with considering how next to secure her fix of food. It honestly is an addiction and it is very hard to live with.