Am I doing something wrong, or is this about normal?

[Honeyjamwithbread]

Toddler DS (now aged 2 and a half) will not sit at the table. He climbs across it, he ducks under it and escapes that way, he runs off, he’s here, there, everywhere, but sitting at the table and eating a meal is not happening (except at nursery.)

Since he was able to walk he’s been able to escape from high chairs so forcing him into one doesn’t work, and plus he hates them (always has) so just gets increasingly distressed. I can’t obviously chain him to the table but I’m at a bit of a loss as to what I should be doing about this? Or should I just leave it?

Mine was like this but has improved a lot recently. Then he went through a phase of always wanting to sit on my lap during meal times. I used to let him here and there but then he would always request it. So decided to totally squash it. So he wouldn't be given any food if he decided to not sit on the chair or was moaning to sit on my lap. A firm 'no, we always sit in our own chairs for meals' and repeat a million billion times over and over. I used to always give in at first and worry he would just starve rather then listen, but they do give in eventually. I'd offer him something a bit later, but sat on the chair. I started to get into the habit of just feeding him in the living room on the sofa at first after meal times so he would always request that but again, squashed it totally and just stopped allowing it. Also always give him the choice of cutlery he can choose, spoon or fork? Which bit would you like? Etc. So he feels he has some control. Toddlers are difficult though. He may have just improved with age or it's the constant repeating. Also we use LOADS of praise when he did do it.

Sanctions 🤣🤣🤣

At this age there's no impulse control. Kids behave at nursery because they feel different there, it's not their home and their safe space. They save their crazy times for at home where they feel secure.
They'll all grow out of it. Praise the good stuff and the less good will follow. Eventually. Hopefully. That's what I'm telling myself anyway

You could try a wobble cushion

We had this!
A friend suggested getting an ikea children’s tall chair instead of high chair and booster cushion and it has been an utter godsend.
My friend bought the white one and her children customised it with paint and stickers but I’m mean and made DC have plain ones that match our dining set but my goodness they sit well at the table now!

https://www.ikea.com/gb/en/cat/junior-dining-chairs-45815/

My 2.5 year old is exactly the same. I’ve got a low chair and table. The chair actually has straps but she actually gets up and walks around with the chair still strapped to her bum if you use them so pointless really. I don’t think there’s much you can do really.

You said he won't sit at the table. You didn't say he sits at it and then gets down and goes to sit at it again. I'm describing my DD as sitting and eating then declaring she is done to get down because she wants to go back out and play. But when she clocks we are still eating and the back. door won't get opened until we have finished, she often comes back and eats more. She probably only does this once every few weeks. If she finishes before us she was to wait to go and do anything fun as well. I don't mind if she gets down from the table and potters, but I won't be stopping eating my dinner to go and supervise her outside or to start role playing, and we've built it up gradually.

The only toddlers I know who are particularly tricky to do as the parents want for quite simple every day tasks either don't have consistent boundaries or have some kind of developmental delay like a speech delay, where their understanding of language just isn't quite where it needs to be meaning they can't really comprehend what is going on.

My DD isn't always compliant. She was tearing pages out of a notebook earlier and so I took it away which made her sob hysterically for a couple of minutes. She got frustrated by something and hit me in the leg yesterday too, and earlier she was being silly bouncing on me and head butted me in the face making me bite my tongue. Toddlers are fractious and hard work, but this thread shows that most do respond well to the type of techniques shared if used consistently.

My 5 year old still does this.. its highly annoying 😒 sorry no advice but feel your pain

There's so much pressure to sit together and eat at the table when you have children but is that realistic in 2023? Especially 3 times a day! My partner and I rarely ate at the table before children so why pretend now? I'm not fussed on breakfast. Lunch and dinner are eaten much later than our toddler and usually different foods.
Better for mealtimes to be completely pressure free.

3 times a day at the table? Who does that? What if you're out and about or don't want to eat your dinner at 5pm!!

Splitting hairs much, but okay, to clarify, any meals at home (which for us are the majority) are eaten at the table. If out and about I’d still expect to sit down for a meal. We don’t give DS dinner at 5pm. He has it at more like 6pm so we can eat together at an hour that suits DH and/or I (depending on who’s not working). None of this has involved harsh punishments or discipline. I disagree with you that eating meals at the table is unrealistic in 2023 - and we work shift patterns so we can be all over the place. It’s just a priority for us and always has been.

This.

i don’t think you’ll achieve anything other than a distressed child by forcing him and i expect that would just lead him to associate the table with being v distressed.

This. It’s normal not to want to sit at the table, but if you want to eat you have to.

My eldest daughter was like this.

the small ikea table and chair worked briefly but then she just too inquisitive and would never sit down!

i stressed myself out for a long time over it then i realised it wasn’t worth the hassle lol so we would just feed her when she was playing in the lounge or if it something she could eat herself then we’d put a plastic sheet down on the floor and she’d be happy to sit and eat in her own terms, play a bit and then eat etc.

I just had to suck up the fact we couldnt ever go out for food!

im happy to report that now as a 5 year old she enjoys sitting at the table and no issues.

its just a phase, toddlers are bloody stubborn, don’t stress over it.

This OP if it is important for you then yes, you need to constrain your lifestyle in order to achieve the behaviour you desire.

It's not witchcraft , sit and eat with him 3 times a day for 2 weeks at the same times every day (for the sake of argument 7:30,midday and 5:30), offer only 1 snack at 2:30-3pm and no calorie containing drinks between. It will work but, it takes persistence. Give it 20 minutes, what is not consumed after 20 minutes goes in the bin.

Does he do other things at the table? Play dough, painting etc.

There is no discipline that will work immediately.

as others have said. If you want to pursue this now, it’s about clear and consistent boundaries and being prepared to stick to them when he gets upset - including full on tantrums.

some kids will get on board without that being too bad, some will resist it hard (and if you really go for the ‘uneaten food in the bin after 20 mins / no snacks’ approach won’t eat much.)

SO. It’s really depends on two things - what your child is like and how important this is to you.

our kids were not food orientated

yet they have fast metabolisms and without regular food could go into over hungry meltdowns (but by that point would actively refuse foods).

so only food at table, no food after 20 mins boundaries wasn’t worth the pain.

so we went with it where they were and waited.

feeding dc1 a chocolate biscuit while she watched Peppa pig to get out of an over hungry meltdown while MIL clucked her disapproval was a low.

but dinner was an hour too late for dc (MILs choice).

you can bring in boundaries when you feel they are ready. Most meals wandering about or in front of a screen at 2yrs doesn’t mean that’ll still be happening at 5, or even 3.

to me ‘ready’ would be - they do choose to sit at the table sometimes. THEN I’d bring in some boundaries having talked them through in advance with dc.

i also like changes of scene for evolving our norms. So when on holiday or coming back from - as it’s all a bit different.

But he does. At nursery. So he can.

If you want him too then dinner goes on the table. He sits at table and eats dinner. He gets down then dinner is finished and goes in kitchen. No fuss, no bribes, no making it a battle. He makes a choice to sit or to not sit. He gets a meal at the next mealtime. He chooses to eat it or not.

If your not that worried about it then don't enforce those rules at home. But it's likely to make life difficult in the long run if home rules don't have equal expectations to childcare/ school.

@Honeyjamwithbread I’m with @NotCopingWell1. DS sits down to eat. I’m not saying he never plays up, but he knows he sits. I ask him if he wants food and sometimes he’ll drop to the floor where he is. I don’t care where DS is sitting tbh but he’s not standing or walking about or climbing on the furniture with food. At meal times he gets a choice: big table with booster cushion, or his small table (also can’t use a Highchair as he climbs in and out of it and it’s too dangerous). If he doesn’t sit but clearly wants to eat (eg has food in his mouth/on his spoon/in his hand), he gets sat back down, sometimes repeatedly, until he sits nicely. He gets warnings and consequences starting from “DS we sit down to eat please sit nicely” to “if you get down one more time then I assume you’re not hungry and the meal is finished”. He knows the boundaries and knows the consequences. Our boundaries are that he sits to eat, the consequences are he doesn’t get food. DS will choose to eat if he’s hungry. The only time I pander to food preferences is in the evening, if he’s eaten badly all day then I’ll choose something I know he likes or has asked for for dinner, but we still expect him to sit. I imagine it will take a while to implement new boundaries, at the moment he knows you’ll feed him when he’s not sitting.

This book is very good on this stuff:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/French-Children-Dont-Throw-Food/dp/0552779172/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?adgrpid=124506387553&hvadid=525335326993&hvdev=m&hvlocphy=9045120&hvnetw=g&hvqmt=e&hvrand=9973744529899254199&hvtargid=kwd-30048763224&hydadcr=26135_1867132&keywords=french+children+don+t+throw+food&qid=1682935190&sr=8-1

That is really very different from the sit and eat or don't eat choice. I don't allow running around with plates of either.