Really struggle with small kids

[LouBanks]

I know this is nothing new but I just need to vent and hopefully get some reassurance it’s not just me being selfish ungrateful or the whole host of other things mothers are for wanting a break

I have 2 kids (almost 4 and almost 1) and I run my own business, I’ve had no mat leave with either and work from home as well as having responsibility for the baby every day… and once a week I have both of them all day.

my husband works from home 3 days a week and goes to the office 2. When he works from home he sits in his home office and I look after the baby while working. Eldest goes to nursery 4 days a week so the day I have both of them is also a day he “has” to go to the office so I have 2 of them all day while trying to run a business.

he doesn’t understand why I get pissed off, he thinks I should be grateful he works from home 3 days a week and does the nursery drop offs each day. I don’t feel Fucking grateful I feel like I have 2 full time jobs.

im so irritable and I dread the day each week that I have both of them. I hate the Groundhog Day feeling that comes with being home with small kids and the fact I never get to go to the office for the day while he has the baby. He goes away for work too - example this week he’s been to london for 3 days while I’m at home with both kids and then doesn’t understand why I’m frustrated and not all happy smiley when he face times to say he’s off out for dinner then back to his hotel where he gets to have time to himself and sleep by himself without the responsibilities I have as well as trying to work full time.

I feel awful that this is the way I feel - I wanted to be the mum who loves being
home with the kids loves playing loves having the day with them but I just don’t. I want to go and be by myself for a day and just sit in silence.

4-7pm is the worst and I will without a doubt be in tears at least once throughout the day after I’ve ended up screaming at one of them to stop whingeing. It’s like noises just make me so irrationality angry. I feel like all I do is wipe arses and surfaces make snacks pick things up off the floor do a half arsed attempt at my job which upsets me too because I feel I can’t feel proud of myself for my work and then my own needs just come last.

im so unhappy 🙁

Why are they not in nursery so you can work?

The thing is, you're trying to do something impossible and something that isn't expected of the vast majority of women with babies/small children. You can't work and look after a baby or a baby and a toddler. You need childcare for the times when you're working.

Put both kids in childcare for enough days. Anything else is madness.

You have a DH problem and a childcare problem.

You can’t work and look after a baby. It just doesn’t work. Employers don’t allow it, for good reason.

And it sounds as though your DH sees the kids as your responsibility.

Yes, little kids are relentless but your set up is making it harder than average.

You need to start with a big conversation with your DH about childcare and division of responsibilities.

If childcare is too expensive, could your DH look at working compressed hours, so do 5 days worth of work in 4 longer days. Then he could do childcare for 1 day a week, and you would be able to use that day for your business work.

Agree with PP, you need to designate time where you are looking after the kids and not at work and times when you are working and both children being properly looked after by someone else. This is not workable.

My eldest is in nursery 4 days a week and I’m not ready to put baby into nursery yet as I always wanted them to be able to tell me
if somethings wrong before sending them which is what I did with my eldest. She was 2 when she went.

my husband’s work brings in the majority of our income - mine contributes but his brings the most by far and I know he works really really hard but he’s not having the responsibility I am. Even in the morning it’s me who gets up with the baby does his nappy does the breakfasts and gets 3yo ready for nursery. All this is before I’ve even had a shower or brushed my teeth. he either gets up early and works out then has a shower and he’s ready to take her to nursery or when the baby wakes up he’s conveniently still sleeping til I’ve taken him down for his breakfast, then husband wakes up and goes on his phone til it’s time to take 3yo to nursery.

I just feel like it’s so unbalanced and i get no respite at all

It's unbalanced because you've made it that way. You can't expect to be able to work and look after a baby, of course that's going to be a struggle; as your own boss that is your decision to make, but it may not be in the best interests of your mental health, your marriage or indeed your child, a baby needs attention and they will not be getting that with you working.

You can't do both.

So, your DH should be dealing with children alongside you in the mornings before he starts work. Especially if you're not even able to shower or brush teeth. No reason why he should be able to get up and work out when he feels like it. If he wants to do that he can get up early to do it before the children are up.

As for sitting on his phone whilst you're dealing with the kids,... er nope.

What's he like at weekends?

It's fine to not feel ready to send baby to nursery, it's a personal choice that many make but it does mean that you aren't able to work right now

Sounds horrendous and sad if you are screaming at them. How sucessful is the business and are you just doing it for ego reasons if your husband is the main earner. Put it on the back burner until they are both in nursery. You sound like you are alienating your husband too.

This. Imo no one should be trying to work and look after children

Weekends he does a lot of jobs for the house and garden etc we take the kids out and things but again it’s usually me who’s making breakfasts lunches dinners and dealing with the incessant demands and after working all week it’s like there’s just no time for me to do anything for myself

I’ll also mention he goes to the office religiously each week unless my step daughter is with us in which case he happily takes the time off to be with her which is just even more fucking irritating because why can he do easily not go when she’s here but when she’s not here oh no he absolutely has to go in

Sorry I’m ranting I’m just so sick of it all

Everyone is totally right about the need for you to get suitable childcare for both children, but obviously your husband's attitude is making you resent your children instead of enjoy them. I split from my ex before my dd was born but I knew that if I had stayed with him I would have hated being a mother because he had an attitude very much like your husband's.

it’s like there’s just no time for me to do anything for myself

Well of course there isn't, you are literally doing 2 jobs on top of being in an imbalanced relationship, it's not sustainable.

for the person asking if I have my business just for ego no I don’t at all, I built it myself from nothing in 2018 before I had my first child in 2019. It turns over about £650k a year. Of course that’s not profit but it’s not a tiny insignificant business and also I’m proud of it so I don’t want to let it go to shit because in a few years they’ll both be at school and I don’t want to be stuck at home doing nothing. I’ve always valued my financial independence and don’t ever want to be reliant on a man to give me money for tampax or have to ask before I buy clothes for the kids. That’s why I work x

So you need to sort out childcare. It's as simple as that. I know you said you didn't want your 1 year old in the care of anyone else, but you can't work and look after a baby/toddler. As you're finding out.

Any chance of finding someone who could help you out with childcare in your home?

That's fine OP (wasn't me who said anything about your business I hasten to add) but you cannot expect to run a £650,000 turnover business and do full childcare, you are martyring yourself yet you must see this really isn't in the best interests of your child? Honestly the risk of you burning out and the baby not getting enough engagement is far higher and real than the risk of them not being able to verbalise what happens at nursery, it's a very odd set of priorities.

if you're working, you need childcare - it's not fair on them either as you're clearly stressed. but i do think you need to agree a more even split with DH as well.

Get a childminder or a nanny then.

Believe me I’ve tried - we live in the middle of nowhere 🫠🫠🫠

I have an awful day then think right I can’t do this any more then I calm down and just carry on with it but nothing changes

Yes. And make a point of having some time for yourself and dh watches them - gym/cinema/see friends or whatever.

Can anyone recommend places to find good nannies?

My husband works night shifts so he's basically non existent in family life.

I know the feeling. My two year old next week is such a difficult toddler. Cried non stop. Just had to sit through a doctors appointment focusing on how to stop him crying.

No family help even though they begged us to move closer to them so they would help and get I've had no support.

I also work from home 8pm-12am

My 5 year old is a dream now and I just wish away the years now until my youngest is same age

It is very hard and I know exactly how you feel.

We need to find things to give us enjoyment ..

It’s hard isn’t it especially when the majority of advice is “well you can’t do both”

well sometimes you have to because if you don’t who else will? My family don’t live close by they live hours and hours away and my husbands family live abroad.

i can’t give up my business because we need my contribution to help towards our mortgage, living expenses, to pay for the bloody £800 a month nursery for my eldest… and finding childcare isn’t as easy as “well just hire a nanny”

I posted on here as a last resort for some sort of support and empathy but so far I’ve mostly had people tell me what I’m doing wrong or staying the obvious..

I’m sending you lots of love - it is so so so hard. ive sat in tears for the last few hours it just gets too much some days doesn’t it x