I simply can’t do this

[BlackBarbies]

I haven’t even bothered to name change because I don’t care anymore.

I hate being a parent. Words cannot describe how this life just isn’t for me. It doesn’t matter how much support I have around me, how many ‘breaks’ or time to myself that I have.

I’m not a good parent either. DD is nearly two and I shout at her all the time. I have no patience when really, all she’s doing is typical toddler things. She doesn’t listen and may even have Autism. DS who just turned one a few days ago has a genetic disorder. Every single week we have appointments. It never stops.

I work 3/4 days a week and I’m just burnt out. I’m not with their dad anymore but I do have a lot of support from him. He looks after the kids when I’m working and if I want to go out. When I’m alone with the kids, it just highlights how much I can’t cope.

DS gets recurring chest infections and is currently quite ill. I put him down to have a nap as he had a disrupted sleep during the night. DD opened the door and ran right through the bedroom waking him up. I grabbed her arm and stormed out the room with her and told her not to go in there. Why? I have no reason. She’s a one year old child who doesn’t know that her brother is ill and she didn’t know she’d be disturbing him. I still lost my cool and shouted at her.

I don’t want sympathy because honestly it’s pathetic. I’m sure it’s borderline abusive to keep on treating her like this. I’m on 10mg of sertraline and it’s barely touching the sides.

I’ll name change after this and probably won’t respond to any posts but thank you MN for letting me have a space to complain about my life. I know some people would do anything to become a parent but it just isn’t for me. I can’t do it

Be kind to yourself. It's the hardest job in the world and the most thankless! Do you think it's worth going to the doctors to discuss it? I'm no professional but it may be you have post natal depression? I had it and thought the same things as you. But after treatment and with the help of my DH I got better. Now I wouldn't change it for the world and love being a mum. Talk to friends and family and don't suffer alone xx

Out of interest, have you always felt this way about being a parent or only since having your second child? If so, PP may have a point in relation to PND, and help is definitely available if you ask for it. If you've always felt this way, was it a conscious decision to have a second?

I have PND was under the perinatal mental health team. I also have CBT therapy and now I’m on antidepressant. Nothing works. I simply do not enjoy being a parent and find it very stressful.

@GiltEdges both pregnancies were unplanned. I mentioned that my son has a genetic disorder and has a severe disability. It doesn’t matter whether I always felt this way or not. That obviously makes things 1000x harder but thank you for your helpful comment

@GiltEdges I also got pregnant again when my daughter was 3 months old so there really wasn’t any time to ‘always feel this way.’ It’s not as if their age gap is 3 years. It’s literally 11 months

@Blondey2023 thank you for your response. I really should have @‘d you and responded to you first. Can I ask what treatment that you had which you felt like helped? I feel like I’ve done everything and still feel the same

That sounds so incredibly hard. What are the arrangements with your ex? Could you do 50/50 or something else that would give you more space. I think in this situation he needs to do at least as much as you including nights; it's not supporting you or helping you it's doing his share. I don't know anything much about special needs but I want to say it won't get harder than two one year olds!

This sounds SO hard. I'm not experienced enough a mother to provide advice, but I just wanted to comment that the only thing I have in common is having a nearly 2 yr old daughter and working 3 days and I find that tough enough. You finding it hard is not a reflection on you, please don't compare yourself to the next average mother, your situation is different.

I hear that the benefits of having 2 close in age take a little time to be felt so hopefully someone will come along soon and offer reassurance!

Their dad lives at home so there isn’t space for the kids to stay at his 50/50. He does stay over occasionally especially when I have work the next day. I can’t fault his involvement as he does his share.

Thank you for both of the comments

I am so sorry you are struggling. I know you are doing your best. You have a lot on your shoulders. I wonder if these organizations could provide any advice or resources:

https://www.gingerbread.org.uk/what-we-do/advice_and_support_for_single_parents/

https://contact.org.uk/

It sounds like you need to refer yourself to the health visitor and tell them you’re struggling to cope.

A practical suggestion would be to buy a large playpen where you can put your DD with some toys while you deal with DS. Don’t worry about doing a bit of food bribery now and then as well - find something that takes her ages to eat (for my DD that’s a packet of Pom bears or an apple).

The good news is your DD will become easier to deal with pretty quickly now. Mine is nearly 4 and very different to when she was 2.

I won’t patronise you by saying it’ll all be fine if you just do X Y and Z, but it won’t be like this forever, you’re very much in the worst stage at the moment.

But please do talk to one of the organisations mentioned above or the HV x

Sorry you are struggling so much OP, that sounds really tough :(

I wonder about your dose of sertraline, 10mg is not very much at all? Did you mean to say 100mg? The normal starting dose is 50mg, so if you're only on 10mg I'm not surprised it's not touching the sides - maybe you could arrange a review with your doctor and ask for a higher dose?

I don't want to make you feel like a bad parent either (you're not, you're a parent who is struggling), but I am concerned about the way you reacted to your daughter, grabbing her arm etc. I think it would be good if you speak to the health visitor about how you're feeling too and be honest about how bad it is. They are there to help you and will be able to recommend other services/ support. You're not expected to do it all on your own. Reach out and talk about how you are struggling.

As you say, losing your cool around small children isn't great and you need to try and get it under control for the sake of yourself and your kids.

Im wondering if nursery might be an option a few hours a week for your daughter just to lighten the load a little? You mentioned your daughter may be autistic. Have you looked into DLA for her (and your son)? Even if she were to only get low rate care, she would also be entitled to 15 hours a week nursery funding.

Have you considered reaching out to children's social care to ensure you are getting all the support you can? I know quite a few families (I also have a child with additional needs) who have a disability social worker.

But above all, please be kind to yourself. Am 11 month age gap will be hard enough, before adding disabilities and PND into the mix.

Also perhaps look at putting a gate on your son's room so your daughter can't get in when he's napping?

It's about preventing them from being able to do it when they're that small - she will forget she's not meant to when she's excited etc.

First of all, just wanted to say I really don't love being a parent either. I don't enjoy it most of the time and I have a lot of help. I also have a small age gap between my two and I just find it absolutely soul crushing at times.

We are still in the baby stage and very early toddlerdom so I'm hoping it's going to get a bit better.

Secondly 10mg Sertraline is not very much, is that right? You can up your dose considerably - talk to the GP.

You could also try a different medication. Sertraline did absolutely nothing for me but Escitalopram was good. I had a friend who was prescribed Valium for a shortish period and that really helped her turn things around, it's just not a long term solution.

I would go back to the doctor and ask for meds to be increased. Theres early help you can self refer to for support/advice/signposting. Does the two year old hi nursery ? Can you afford to send her? Depending on your earnings you may be entitled to two year funding for free childcare. Have you applied for for dla for your son. Again you could use it to try get some respite. I found things got a lot easier 4 plus and it must be especially tough with such a small age gap. Also I did a mindfulness course through nhs which really helped me learn to manage stressful situations without getting overwhelmed.

You don’t sound like a bad mother, it’s hard not to shout when you are at the end of your tether. I think you are in the hardest part at the moment, it will get easier slowly at some point.

@BlackBarbies this isn't you. This is your impossible circumstances. Honestly, I remember when I was pregnant with DD3, that I had just got DD1 and DD2 down for a nap. Both have ASD, although neither were diagnosed at the time. I just thought I was a terrible parent who couldn't control her kids. I finally put my legs up on the sofa. My sister came into my house to visit, so knocked the door in the way in, and I was hysterical. It literally seemed like the worst thing in the world that I had been disturbed.

You need support. I don't mean time away from your children, or a 'break'. I mean proper support with your children so that you don't have such a weight on your shoulders.

Can you ask if Homestart operate in your area? I had a lovely, down to earth volunteer when mine were small. Just an extra pair of hands. She refused to leave us when my youngest turned 5, as was policy, and she still visits now they are 17, 15 and 14!

You're burnt out, understandably, you've gone from zero to 2 kids and single parenting in a tiny space of time, you've been through a lot, it's not surprising you're struggling. Beating yourself up about the yelling and how you feel doesn't help anyone and doesn't solve anything. First thing I'd do OP is go back to your GP and talk to them. You say your antidepressants are barley touching the sides, tell them that, 10mg is a tiny dose of setraline, maybe you need a higher dose or a different antidepressant, but talk to your GP.

Get the depression treated properly, I know personally how much of a difference that can make to how well you can cope in tough times. Don't make your mind up about not being cut out for parenting while you're in the middle of the fire as it were. You might still hate it, but you might not. It's a lot easier to like parenting on the other side of it. Wishing you all the best finding a way through this.

Thank you so much for the comments.

I apologise, I’m actually on 50mg of Sertraline. I take 5 pills of 10mg Amitriptyline everyday so I got confused!

Thank you so much to the poster who provided a link for support and to the other poster that suggested Homestart. I’ll look into both of those.

DD will finally start nursery next week Thursday and she’ll do three half days a week. Eventually I’ll up the days to five half days a week. It’s great that she’ll be going to nursery and I’ve made it so that on the days that she goes, I’m off of work. So I can spend time with DS who’s much more easier to look after.

I’ve sent in a form for DLA for my son so I’m just waiting to hear back from them. I haven’t applied for my daughter as I didn’t think she’d be entitled to receive anything?

I’ll give the GP a call again on Friday to let him know that I’m still struggling. I really do believe it’s because I hate parenting so I don’t know what can be done to help me

So sorry to read this

Can you think of it as quite a long tunnel that you are in? So you can't leave or get out at the moment any quicker BUT you can get out if you can see the light at the end of the tunnel? I know that sounds silly but I feel I struggle and I have a 9 month old ( easy baby compared to the start - colicky, cmpa, didn't sleep, cried alllll day) she is so much better - hard still but better. I use the tunnel for when I feel overwhelmed. I also have an 11 yr old but she is a dream. So when you say you have a 1 yr old and 2 yr old with additional needs no wonder you feel the way you do. Your only human. It sounds like you are doing amazing but you're just burnt out
Your jug is too full, that's all.
This tunnel you are in, you will come through
Every day is a day closer to when life may be a little easier - just maybe not yet
That's just being realistic so setting that expectation rather than wanting to feel better by tomorrow
But I think small changes may help
Can you write down how you don't want to parent and then work out a coping strategy?
I wish I was your friend so I could sit with you and have a coffee and a natter and just to be there
I guess that what MN is about.

I'm sorry op but keep talking here and know that others can relate and empathise what you are going through

X

Make a list of things you can do realistically for YOU

Bath when the kids are down
Film to lift your spirits
Eat chocolate/ cake over indulge in something
Walks by the sea
Headphones in when you take them out for a walk - play fave songs
Meditation before bed ( not for everyone I know)
Paint nails / toes / have a pamper
10 mins exercise as soon as kids go down to bed ( you tube )

All of these are just things I like without having to leave house too much or spend too much but the list can be anything
Anything that gets you looking forward to something each day and achievable - not too big a task

This will do wonders to lift your mood

@BlackBarbies please go back to your GP and ask that the setraline is increased it sounds like your dose might not be enough.

DLA is about covering some of the costs involved with having a child with a disability. She doesnt need a diagnosis. The DLA assessment is based on the child's needs compared to a child of the same age without a disability. You mentioned that she may be autistic, so I'm assuming (maybe wrongly!) that to have those concerns at her age, she has various additional needs?

I have a son with a genetic condition. He was my third and his older brother had SEN. Then I had his sister who also has ASD. I got made redundant but I have been his carer and will stay off work until he starts secondary. I worked out I was financially better off not working so didn't look for another job when I got made redundant. Not really a great option but I have survived all of the appointments, tests etc and he is quite settled and stable now. The appointments never really stop, but I think we have exhausted most of the shocks and diagnosis now ( awaiting a adhd assessment now). I can't offer any help. Except to say right now we are all happy. The early years and not knowing with funky behaviour are mostly behind us.

@strawberrysummer19 thank you so much for your response. I agree with you, I think I have to appreciate the little things. I’ll be getting my hair done this Friday and will be going out for drinks with a friend so hopefully that will lift my spirits. I do like the thought of thinking of the tunnel but not sure how far that’ll get me during the difficult times!

Not necessarily various additional needs. It’s more so just her behaviour that hints to Autism. Things like no speech yet, struggling with food textures, not socialising with other children, walking on tip toes, not smiling when smiled at, struggling to adjust to a change of routine etc.

There’s quite a few other things but I don’t think she qualifies for DLA. I don’t find that her needs differ to those of a child her age, it’s more so about adjusting to how she is. If that makes sense? Maybe because there’s such difference between her and my son, I feel like I’d obviously claim for him and not necessarily claim for her. I’m confused!