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Original poster

SS advice, feel it is unfair

40 replies

lockdownmummax · 22/04/2023 18:11

so basically my sons dad and then partner broke my sons ribs out of frustration ( he said he squeezed him out of frustation) I wasn't there and did not know this had happened,

Long story short I took baby to Gp as was concerned, transferred to hospital, fractured ribs came back on scan and dad told me what he done I called police to inform them, gave a witness statement against soms dad and also gave text message to police as sons dad text me after he left hospital apologising for what he done,

So now the social services are involved, they are requiring me to stay at my mums house under 24/7 supervision with the children, I have my own home which I am not aloud to go back to, their investigation is finished and they have said I will still have to stay at my mums house and supervision won't be lifted...
I have meeting next week to go over assesement and have to go to child's panel meeting
the social work want me to attend the freedom programme which I am happy to do from a previous abusive relationship as this will reduce the risk ( there was no abuse in the relationship with my sons dad )
I have told SS I chose my kids over him, but SS are saying risk is high because sons dad is out on bail

I am so angry the person who done this is out on bail and living life and me and my kids are going through this, SS are wondering if this has happened previously and I have turned a blind eye I said no way ( my son has reflux so I've had him to doctors quite often, I mentioned this and mentioned would a GP not pick up if there was previous abuse going on )
there saying for the foreseeable future I have to stay with my mum with the kids, me and my mum are not getting a long at all it's a very toxic environment for the kids, my mum blames me for this and doesn't think I am a fit mother
last night I stood up for myself ahainsr my mum as I am sick of hearing it and her accusations which aren't true and she was trying to fight with me like physically fight with me, my aunt was in at the time and told her she was out of order
I have spoke to all of my family who are shocked Ss are doing this to me as they think I am a great mum, I just don't know where to turn Is me living in a centre an option with the kids??
The CID dealing with case have confirmed I have done everything correct and co operated fully with them during their investigation and they have no concerns that I was involved or concerns for neglect due to the time frame I had my baby in the GP

my sons dad has had meetings with social work, the SW are saying he has fully admitted to SW what he done and I had no part in it and never knew anything until he told me which at that point I called the police ( this was SW thay told me this )
My sons dad has bail conditions to not go near my home address or contact me and the kids

OP posts:
Original poster
lockdownmummax · 22/04/2023 18:16

And for anyone who is going to comment asking how I let this happen please don't as I am riddled with guilt this has happened to my baby, I am sick to my stomach the man I had a child with could do this to his own flesh and blood and such a innocent small baby, I am scunnered he is out on bail and all of this is falling on me and the kids if kids are at risk because of him why is he not in the jail ahhhhhhhh!!! this doesn't seem right I totally understand SW have to protect the children but SW have said to me they are not investigating me because they think I have harmed or neglected my children so I do not know what they are putting all these measures in place is the simple option not to just jail my sons dad and let me get back some normality for my babies

OP posts:
Lamelie · 22/04/2023 18:17

Your son could be dead.
Would you be prepared to move completely out of the area? Not off your own bat but raise it with the Sw as an option to live independently. And do you have your own social worker? If not keep in mind that any SW you see is there for your children, not you. They’re solely focussing on keeping your children safe. Where (very generally or via pm) do you live? You need support and someone to advocate for you.
Flowers

Original poster
lockdownmummax · 22/04/2023 18:19

@Lamelie
So my home is 30 minutes from where I grew up and my sons dad lives 1hr away from where I grew up, I told SW I will happily move back to my hometown if that changes anything but they said it wouldn't
All of my family are on my side but having a really hard time with my mum and as it stands my kids are in her care I want to see if I can change this because it's not what's best for them being here, I have other family willing to take over that role

OP posts:
Stomacharmeleon · 22/04/2023 18:20

I would be directing these questions and your options at/ to social services.
Your whole life sounds chaotic (fighting mother etc, choice in partner) sorry.
My 'dad' broke my ribs and I am still suffering the consequences now (45) they healed badly and give me considerable pain.

tiredpuppymum · 22/04/2023 18:22

We can't know, it's depends where you live.

You need to talk openly with social care and tell them the situation at your mums is breaking down. Ask what your options are? Can you go to a refuge? Ask what exactly the concerns are around you going home.

Keep communication via email or text if possible. Avoid waffling on, keep it concise.

Original poster
lockdownmummax · 22/04/2023 18:23

@Stomacharmeleon
No don't be sorry my life is a mess just now, I have never had a great relationship with my mum it's been full of arguments and when I was old enough I left home as it just became to much for me, me and my mums relationship was better when I was away we spoke on the phone and I visited my mum once a week but being back here has been hell and it's not something I want my kids to grow up around, I feel she is really working against me here,
I feel anxious to speak to SW about this incase they put my kids into care as it's not working here but at least I can be with them and look after them here but it can't go on much longer I have other family willing to help I think it's best for me to contact SW on Monday when my SW is on duty and ask these questions

OP posts:
tiredpuppymum · 22/04/2023 18:24

@Stomacharmeleon what an entirely unhelpful response to the OP.

She hasn't done anything wrong other than choosing the wrong dad for her babe. She needs help, not a kicking while she's already down.

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 22/04/2023 18:24

Why are you not allowed in your own house? I don't understand the SW logic in this. I imagine your Ex also knows where your mother lives?

Original poster
lockdownmummax · 22/04/2023 18:26

@tiredpuppymum
The SW said concerns around me going home are because my sons dad is on bail and there is a risk he could show up at our home or I could take the kids to see him but I said I wouldn't do that as he is a risk to the kids and said if he did show up to my home I would call police as it's breaching his bail conditions, they said we could bump into each other unintentionally and the kids would then be at risk but I don't think that's fair I can't hide my kids in someone's house their full life incase we bump into him he should be in jail so we can have some sort of life...
I will ask about refuge

OP posts:
Original poster
lockdownmummax · 22/04/2023 18:27

@TiptoeThroughTheToadstools
Yes that's the strange thing my ex has been in my mums house loads, his bail conditions are to not go near my home address but he has no bail conditions for my mums house so he could show up at my mums house where we are but not my home address were we not staying...

OP posts:
almostwarm · 22/04/2023 18:30

Social services don't have any power to jail your ex.
They aren't going to be convinced yet that you are able to protect your dc from your ex.
Having you live with your mother puts a protective adult into the children's lives.
Once they are confident that you can protect your dc from your ex these conditions will ease off.
It is fairly standard practice in these cases.

Original poster
lockdownmummax · 22/04/2023 18:34

@almostwarm
And what if that protective adult is resulting to violence in front of the children? and making a toxic environment in front of them...

OP posts:
TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 22/04/2023 18:39

@lolockdownmummax I definitely think SS have more of an explanation to give you. Do they know the situation with your DM? Surely they children will be more settled and happier in their own home, a familiar setting with their own things around them, as would you. If your Ex is not allowed near your home then surely you are all safer there too! I would go back to SS and ask for clarity on their thinking. It sounds as well like your Ex is cooperating with the police investigation and Sw so I can't really understand what benefit this arrangement has.

User17865 · 22/04/2023 18:41

Have you got another family member who could come and live at yours with you temporarily? Then there’s still another protective adult with the children, but takes your Mother out of the equation. I’d definitely be looking into help from a charity if you can OP, you need someone to advocate for you.

BertieBotts · 22/04/2023 18:43

Sorry I'm a little confused by your OP, would this be a correct summary?

Your partner, who is your son's dad (were you living together at the time?) has injured him by breaking his ribs in frustration. You did not witness the assault, but noticed that your son was in pain so sought medical advice.

GP diagnosed broken ribs at which point partner has admitted to the assault. You've given statement to police and partner has moved out (and you've broken up, I think?)

Social services are happy for your son to remain with you at the moment, however, they do not want you to have sole unsupervised care (this is probably a precaution). Therefore, they want you to stay with your mum.

However, you're struggling with this, because your mum is unstable and acting toxically / abusively towards you and your child.

Is that right?

If my understanding is correct, then I would guess that social services are concerned about the risk of you being talked around by your partner/ex, or of him coming to find you. They clearly do not think you are a risk, otherwise your son would be in foster care and not with you. But it is unfortunately not uncommon for women in relationships with abusive men (and your partner assaulted your son so he is abusive, even if nothing has ever happened before) to say all the right things and then be talked around by their partner. Their assumption is that your mum is a stable calm influence.

I think it probably would be worth speaking either to someone at the police, local domestic violence team, or a social worker and explaining the difficulties with your mum and that you do not feel it is a safe environment for your LO, and asking about the possibility of emergency temporary accommodation or a women's refuge. But I think that they probably do need to give it a bit of time to be able to trust that you will put your child first. Unfortunately, no fault of yours as you've done everything right, but it is very common for women to find it difficult to leave partners where there has been any sort of violence, so they can't just reasonably take people's word for it when they promise that they won't let him back.

The risk of your partner coming to find you will lessen as time passes or if he goes to prison.

almostwarm · 22/04/2023 18:44

Another possibility is either moving to another family member's or perhaps getting them to move into your home with you as a temporary measure.

Have to explained the issues with your relationship with your mum to the social worker?

BertieBotts · 22/04/2023 18:46

His bail conditions do also cover your mum's house if you're staying there, as you say his bail conditions say not to go near the house OR contact you or the children.

PsychoHotSauce · 22/04/2023 18:48

So ex isn't allowed back at your house, but is allowed at your mums? That's stupid. I know from SSs pov, having your mum there supervising means (they think) you won't secretly allow him access as you could more easily if alone.

You need to tread carefully OP. It must be hell for you right now but abused women often go back to their partners, and their priority is your children's safety. On some level they're worried you'll let him back in I think.

LolaSmiles · 22/04/2023 18:52

If they thought you were a risk then it's likely the children wouldn't be with you right now.
You did the right thing by reporting the situation and cooperating with the relevant authorities.

Unfortunately abusive men are skilled at persuading victims to come back to them. They say the right sort of things, convince the victims it was a one off, they won't do it again etc. By keeping you away from your home and ex, they're reducing the change of ex and you being in contact by 'chance'. Their concern is about keeping the children safe, not making the adults happy.

Invisimamma · 22/04/2023 18:54

From your post it sounds like you're in Scotland where the system works slightly differently so some of the advice you are being given here may not be correct.

It sounds like social work are not confident that you are able to protect your children in the event that their father tries to re-enter lives or have a relationship with yourself. The children have been placed with your mum and you are also living there. You are free to return to your own home but you cannot take the children with you. You will probably attend a children's panel hearing where social work will make a recommendation about your children's care and where they should be placed. They will be looking at the best interests of the children.

My advice to you would be to speak to social work and ask what their recommendation to the panel would be and what the long term plan is for returning the children to your care. You should also ask if you can get an advocate for the hearing, someone who can speak on your behalf as all the other professionals there will be there for the children.

Oblomov23 · 22/04/2023 19:07

Ask for a meeting with SS, ask them what you have to do to facilitate being allowed home, rather than at your mums. Take an advocate (clearly not your mum) so you've got a witness at the meeting. I don't know what their reasoning is, but you can question it.

3WildOnes · 22/04/2023 19:22

You could ask to be placed in a mother and baby unit. However, this won't be an easy option for you. You will be assessed 24/7 and have your parenting scrutinised. They are very very unlikely to let you go back home to your own place unsupervised at this stage.

Skybluepinky · 22/04/2023 19:45

If u weren’t there u can’t give a witness statement, as u didn’t see it.
With these cases both parents are scrutinised as they should be, to ensure the child’s safety, moving out from yr mums don’t change that, u’ll b in with loads of people u don’t know.

anotherscroller · 22/04/2023 19:48

tiredpuppymum · 22/04/2023 18:24

@Stomacharmeleon what an entirely unhelpful response to the OP.

She hasn't done anything wrong other than choosing the wrong dad for her babe. She needs help, not a kicking while she's already down.

Hear hear

Original poster
lockdownmummax · 22/04/2023 19:50

@Skybluepinky
My sons dad admitted it to me so the police took a witness statement from me as I witnessed him confessing

OP posts:
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