SS advice, feel it is unfair

[lockdownmummax]

so basically my sons dad and then partner broke my sons ribs out of frustration ( he said he squeezed him out of frustation) I wasn't there and did not know this had happened,

Long story short I took baby to Gp as was concerned, transferred to hospital, fractured ribs came back on scan and dad told me what he done I called police to inform them, gave a witness statement against soms dad and also gave text message to police as sons dad text me after he left hospital apologising for what he done,

So now the social services are involved, they are requiring me to stay at my mums house under 24/7 supervision with the children, I have my own home which I am not aloud to go back to, their investigation is finished and they have said I will still have to stay at my mums house and supervision won't be lifted...
I have meeting next week to go over assesement and have to go to child's panel meeting
the social work want me to attend the freedom programme which I am happy to do from a previous abusive relationship as this will reduce the risk ( there was no abuse in the relationship with my sons dad )
I have told SS I chose my kids over him, but SS are saying risk is high because sons dad is out on bail

I am so angry the person who done this is out on bail and living life and me and my kids are going through this, SS are wondering if this has happened previously and I have turned a blind eye I said no way ( my son has reflux so I've had him to doctors quite often, I mentioned this and mentioned would a GP not pick up if there was previous abuse going on )
there saying for the foreseeable future I have to stay with my mum with the kids, me and my mum are not getting a long at all it's a very toxic environment for the kids, my mum blames me for this and doesn't think I am a fit mother
last night I stood up for myself ahainsr my mum as I am sick of hearing it and her accusations which aren't true and she was trying to fight with me like physically fight with me, my aunt was in at the time and told her she was out of order
I have spoke to all of my family who are shocked Ss are doing this to me as they think I am a great mum, I just don't know where to turn Is me living in a centre an option with the kids??
The CID dealing with case have confirmed I have done everything correct and co operated fully with them during their investigation and they have no concerns that I was involved or concerns for neglect due to the time frame I had my baby in the GP

my sons dad has had meetings with social work, the SW are saying he has fully admitted to SW what he done and I had no part in it and never knew anything until he told me which at that point I called the police ( this was SW thay told me this )
My sons dad has bail conditions to not go near my home address or contact me and the kids

I remember your first thread about this and had been wondering how you were doing

I’ve been in a DA relationship, but with no kids, and the police were reluctant to change any conditions because they could’ve then been liable if anything further had happened. So it might be a similar case with this.

Wishing you all the best. Do speak to SS about it all and ask the questions to them. Say you think it’s best for your kids to be at home. Could your aunt stay there with you for a while?

If you do go back, change the locks

Ask for a meeting with the SW, and potentially their manager as well. See if you can arrange for an advocate or someone you trust to go with you. Ask for clarity on what they need from you to allow the children and yourself to go home. Be prepared to make compromises, you could agree daily visits for a short period, tell them what your safety plan is if he turns up, suggest another protective adult that can come stay at yours for a period of time. Tell them about the situation with your mum also.

SW ultimately want the same thing as you, and that is to ensure that your kids are safe.

You can get a solicitor to go to the Children's hearing with you, check to see if you qualify for legal aid.

If the situation with your mum has broken down and she is attacking you then your children may need to go into care. It’s not acceptable.

Don't be so ridiculous. Why would the children be placed with foster carers when they have a mum who is not deemed a risk to them, and several other options for family to support/supervise. This is someone's life, someone who is posting in crisis after her world has fallen apart. It's sickening that you've just popped in here to stick the boot in and be malicious.

OP, clearly SS feel that you are able to meet your children's needs but are worried that you may secretly still want to be in a relationship with your ex or promote contact between him and the children. I'm not sure why they would take this view given that you contacted the police, have provided a statement snd have cooperated fully with all professionals, and aren't in the pool of perpetrators. Have the explained why they feel that you need to live with/be supervised by your mum and what would happen if you went home?

@lockdownmummax I apologise and didn't mean it to come over that way. You are clearly trying to sort this out. I shouldn't have made assumptions.

Hello everyone,

Thank you for all of the advice,
So my uncle is a lawyer he has advised me to get an intradiction order on my sons dad and that may reduce the risk to SS so I am going to do that,

I had a chat with my mum today and she has said sorry she is just struggling with my reaction to all of this, i explained to my mum I feel depressed and just in complete shock about it because one day I have a family and what I thought was a lovely caring partner and the next day he has done the unthinkable and turned me and my kids lives upside down, I explained I understand the way you are feeling but I have to go through the emotions and accept the way I am feeling but I 100% will do whatever it takes to get my kids back with me and make sure they are safe but I am struggling as I feel really depressed and I will put my hands up and say I need support because I'm struggling to cope with this

That is good advice from your uncle. The other thing you can do to show SW that you are committed to the relationship staying ended is to start to untangle your lives. If you are married, start divorce proceedings, do what you need to do to get his stuff out the house, get tenancy/ownership in your name, ect ect.

I'm with you OP, I think Social Services are being very unfair. They automatically assume your mother is a "protective adult". But there's no reason for them to assume that. In fact, people often end up victims of abusive relationships because their own parents were difficult, dysfunctional or abusive people.

I would be furious both at your ex, and at the people who are blaming you for his actions. Unfortunately, fury probably won't help the situation. Are there charities you can approach for legal advice and options - to find a living situaiton that's S.S. deem safe but that's also non-toxic for you and your kids? Can you speak very calmly to S.S and explain that you obviously agree that the kids need to be safe from your ex, but the current living situation is unstable and might expose your kids to witnessing abuse, and ask what other solutions they would accept?

@DangerousBeans1
I have already done all of these things which is why I feel so let down by the SW as feel they are really blaming me,
I have removed his name from the tenancy, I asked the police to take his house keys off him when he got arrested, his mum has collected majority of his stuff from the house, I have told SW I will move back to my hometown near my family which they said would not make a difference for the time being so I'm just like what else do you want me to do,
They where asking a lot of questions regarding the injury to my son as there are things left unanswered, I gave them all of the information I knew all the time scales of the day I noticed baby was unsettled and the night before but they are saying it's worrying as there is still some left unexplained but I was just sitting thinking to myself why don't you go and ask the di** that done it so frustrating that me and the kids are being put through hell for weeks and see no end to this when the actual person thay has done this is walking free on bail

@MMMarmite
I am going to ask the SW about this when the SW dealing with the case is in office tomorrow morning, it's just so frustrating because I sit and think to myself you know I haven't done this ti my kids and we are being put through hell and the person that's done this is walking free on bail carrying on with life
the 24/7 supervision is just ridiculous and does not make sense one meeting they say we are not investigating you for harming your child and I ask ok so why the 24/7 supervision why can't I even be alone with my kids for 5 minutes ?? And the next week they are saying there are concerns I have turned a blind eye it is really so unfair the justice system is backwards

I completely emphathise.

Unfortunately the more you argue with them the more suspicion it puts on you :( Obviously with everything you and your kids are going through, it's hard to be calm. I'd try my best to speak to them really calmly, not say "its unfair because my ex is going free" (the SW doesn't have the power to jail your ex, that is the police). I'd say something like "i understand that you want to keep the kids as safe as possible. I want the same thing. My mum's house is not a calm and positive environment (list factual examples for that, try not to get emotional). What other solutions are possible?" I'd also ask what steps you need to take to help them feel confident that you can safely parent your children alone.

Are there any other family or friends who could come live with you for a bit, or vice versa, rather than your mum?

@MMMarmite
I totally agree I can't argue with these people I have stayed calm in the meetings but when they finished I'm ranting to myself about it all it's just a nightmare,

when the SW first told me I would have to live with my mum I asked if someone could live in my home with me but they said that isn't an option just now so hopefully if I ask them once they give me their teccomendations that may change, I feel more confident I have gotten legal advice as I have been going round in circles thinking I am incapable of being a parent due to this but with all the evidence against my ex and the process I went through as I'm taking baby to GP and calling police on my EX my uncle ( lawyer ) has said I done everything right and that is worth something , the days have to get brighter they can't get any worse

It sounds like you are doing everything you can. Stay strong 💐

Just stay with your mum and your kids till the social work deem you safe on your own. Keep any disharmony to yourself. If they find out you and your mum nearly had a physical fight I can assure you they will look at temporary foster care.
This ex hasn’t walked free. He is on bail and will await a court date for a trial if he backtracks on his confession.
You need to get his parental rights removed so get your own solicitor. And start trying to take care of your mental health, you still have a family… you and the children. Just not him.
Focus on that poor baby and his needs and your other kids.
But you must do everything in your power to keep the children with you under the full time supervision of your mother.

OP this isn't a reflection on you as a mother. The reality is there are women who are aware of abuse a partner is inflicting and turn a blind eye/enable it. There are incredibly manipulative men who work their way back in after abusing a child (and women). There are also incredibly abusive men (and women) that have killed their partner and children after they made a break from the relationship. You didn't know your partner was capable of fracturing your child's ribs and nor did anyone else. No one knows what else be is capable of and they are doing what they can to keep you and your child out of danger. Being with your mum adds an additional safe guard for you all even though it isn't ideal. It won't be forever and you 100% did the right thing in reporting him. Many people retract their support when a charge is made or trial starts and they will want to try and stop him getting near you and potentially push you into retracting. Have you been offered any therapy? it might benefit your mum too as you are both going through something awful right now. She probably has guilt she didn't spot any signs or couldn't protect you both