How do I help DS work through this disappointment?

[EnglishGirlApproximately]

DS (11) joined a football club three years ago. He really struggled to start with as he lacks confidence but has improved lots. The team as a whole weren't very good but have worked hard and have now made it to first division on the local league. To cut a long story short the coach took on too many kids for the season and lots of the newer parents have been vocal in complaining their child isn't getting enough game time. The coach has decided to resolve this by shortlisting 6 players with the intention of dropping 3 at the end of the season. All of these are kids who have been there since the team formed, including DS. He's heartbroken and now thinks there's no point in working hard and being committed as it doesn't get you anywhere. I haven't seen him smile since this happened, he's become sullen and tearful. He doesn't want to play any sport again and is now talking about leaving other hobbies as he thinks he'll get pushed out. His confidence had gone back years. I know eventually they need to learn that life isn't fair and to be resilient but I'm struggling with this as he has worked so hard and done everything asked of him by the coach. Any advice much appreciated.

That's awful, poor boy. Is there a more inclusive league you can transfer him to? I know my 12 year old wouldn't get picked for our local competitive team, so we've stuck with Christian League, where everyone gets into a team, and it's very positive. I'm not Christian either.

Sorry - it seems to me that the only one with confidence issues here is you?
Unless I've misunderstood.. your son has been in the team since the beginning but is being pushed out because other parents are vocal? I think I'd be straight to the coach reminding him/her of my son's commitment and talent. You need to speak up for your boy like the other parents are for theirs.

And if that doesn't work, I'd change my sons team and ensure that he knows it's nothing to do with him and entirely to do with the coaches poor judgement.

I do agree with @roseheartfly that you really need to be having quite a robust discussion with the coach about his treatment of six children who have worked hard with him to get into the first division.
This is really quite an unpleasant way to treat them, presumably because winning and working his way up has become more important than anything else.
Long term I suppose the only thing you can do is find a different type of team fit him to play for...where all players get a bit of match time and the focus is on team-work and inclusivity.
But let him see you get cross on his behalf first because this is terrible treatment.

The coach has been poor here taking on too many children for the squad size. I’m assuming he plays 9 a side? Squad size would usually be around 14 so there is enough to take sickness / other plans into account. There are some unscrupulous and heartless people in grassroots football (coaches and parents!)
you could of course raise your concern with the club chairman or welfare officer.

I'd be talking to the coach not your son.

Sadly this happens a lot as kids get older.

We found that when our boy was younger everyone got equal time playing.

As they get older the game gets more competitive and the best players are selected. Our boy was always left on the bench and just called on for the last five minutes.

He never said much but I could see my son was crushed by this each week.

I ended up finding other sports for him. He now plays basketball and is one of the best on the team. Also, no more early mornings standing on a cold pitch for me.

It's a win win!

There are some real bastards coaching in kids football, looking back I don’t know why I let my DS do it.
All I can say is that one day you won’t be involved any more. If he wants to go, let him, but also let him know that he can stop any time. Maybe look at getting into other things.

Unfortunately, football is really competitive and as a pp said, this happens as kids get older and teams get more competitive.
If your ds wants to carry on playing, you'll have to find another team.

That's a really shit thing for the coach to do. Unfortunately there seem to be quite a lot of poor coaches around in kids football.

He should not have taken on so many new players - he sounds like he just wants to win at all costs.

I'd be telling the coach exactly what I think of him and his actions- and about the impact it's had on your son.

Then look into finding another team - one not managed by an overly competitive knob head. Does he have friends in other teams that he could join?

Im not sure where I've said i haven't stood up for him or spoken to the coach? Of course in MN land it must be my fault 🙄

I've spoken to the coach and been very clear on my feelings, as have the other parents involved but ultimately we can't force him to keep the children in the team. I don't have any issues with confidence, I was always reassured by the coaches that as long as DS worked hard and showed commitment he would have a place and most of the parents accepted the squad size based on the club advertising itself as a all abilities and every child counts. This is a very sudden change of direction. There are 17 in the squad for 9 a side which is too many, but that isn't the fault of the kids.

DS knows he hasn't done anything wrong and has seen that i have stood up for him but I have no power to change this if the coach isn't listening. I'm talking to him about other hobbies and teams but he can't see past losing his friendships on the team. Thanks to those who have made helpful suggestions, I really wanted ideas on helping him emotionally rather than being told to speak to the coach because I assume it would be a given that I've exhausted the options for him to stay in the team.

Could you start a new side,OP, for the kids who just want to try their hardest and won't decide who plays based on who is best?

My grandson had the same treatment. He never missed a training session or game but when they reached the cup final he got the last 5 minutes when they were losing . I saw him sat on the sideline and I could tell he was crying and it broke my heart . He was dropped for boys who turned up occasionally but were deemed better players . My daughter found him a new team where he did get game time

I think I’d be “modelling” what he needs to do, so he’s seen you being assertive, if he sees you being down about it (for a short while) and then sees you looking for alternatives and starting to be more enthusiastic again…

might that help do you think?

Or is he old enough to write a letter to the coach venting his feelings, but not send it? Or maybe he should send it?

At the moment he is holding onto it all poor thing, and if you can help him release it he may be able to
move on ?

Unfortunately it’s a competitive game and the coach is going to pick the team who has the best chance of winning, understandably, like all competitive sports. Regardless of who joined when.

But it is a very hard lesson for your DS at that age. I think I’d find another hobby.

Is your DS one of those to be dropped?
I didn't get that from your OP, but pps are commenting as if it's a done deal.
Am I being dozy?

@EnglishGirlApproximately This seems to be common in football. It is harsh but football at grassroots is highly competitive. As the players get older it becomes more physical and boys mature at different stages so the slightly smaller boys get dropped. You sound like a great mum and I don't know why others were encouraging you to change the coach's mind, that's not likely to be successful.

He will get through this- just a big life lesson that life isn't fair. Get him signed up for another team, that will help him bounce back.You could also highlight what happens in professional football such as players and coaches being dropped suddenly so he understands it's the nature of the game not just happening to him.

He is one of the six yes, but many of the parents of the children not affected are also unhappy as it changes the dynamic of the team and friendships and is teaching poor lessons about behaviour.

I never wanted DS to play football as I know how competitive it is. I agreed as the club very much advertises itself as all abilities welcome, no child left behind community sport. Until a week ago I wouldn't have imagined this would happen as the message has always been that the effort counts as much as the result.

I hate the way kids football is organised for this very reason. Locally teams dropped a whole load of boys when they went from running 2 7 a side teams to 1 9 a side then had to go round poaching players from other teams when they went up to 11 a side and didn’t have a big enough squad.

Surely if they are age 11 now they’ll be going up to 11 a side next year plus there’s always natural drops offs in the first couple of years of high school. (Round here a lot of boys play football and rugby in primary school but end up choosing only one after age 12 as it gets too difficult to manage both time wise.) So it seems a daft time to be dropping kids anyway even without the obvious unfairness.

Been there, the coaches have no idea and dont give a shit about the impact they have on children.

No idea how you handle it, ds was 13 at the time when it happened to him. We had won the 11 aside west of Scotland league that year, ds was a key part of that. But many teams folded and there were lots of boys looking for a new team and came looking at ours because of the win. Our head coaches (we had 2 twat head coaches and 1 exceptional experienced coach) thought they were the bee knees and started playing football manager.

They took on a couple of new defenders (ds's position); tbf were just as good and started playing them and subbing ds. We told ds the writing was on the wall and he had a choice, wait and see what happens or take control and leave and perhaps join another team. He left. We got him into an independent gym and a PT who worked with teens and he really enjoyed that and it rebuilt his confidence. His friendships with most of the teammates dwindled but he shifted to other friends. The exceptional coach left as he was pissed of how the kids had been treated.

Within months of taking on all these new "superstars" into the team they started losing, had huge behaviour issues and a couple of very preventable indidents the twat coaches couldnt deal with so they folded the team ruining it for all. 🤷🏻‍♀️

@NoTouch this sounds exactly the case. I know that the new players will drop the club without a thought if they get a better offer, which is possible as scouts are now around in division one.
@itsalwayscycling agree there will be natural losses as they all start secondary this year but that seems to be lost on the coaches.

This happened to my son when he was younger. He was a good player, always turned up - gave his best but lost his place when another local team folded (this was rugby) and the 'stars' from that team joined his. It also happened at school where seemingly no value was placed on turning up to training, working hard, improving - it was all about the naturally gifted 'couldn't give a shit' players who were drafted in to win matches. He enjoyed playing so kept going and didn't worry too much. He also had swimming which as a mainly individual sport worked well for him. So I would encourage him to try other things.

And then the powers that be wonder why more people don’t participate in sport……. Your poor DS. In my experience, this sort of thing happens a lot with young boys and football. Some chap decides he’ll run the local team and decides he’s Arsene Wenger. Ludicrous - should be far more of a focus on participation and enjoyment.

This is very poor. My DS' team has expanded beyond expectations and now has an A and a B team. However before that they just picked a squad to go to each match so they didn't end up with 6 subs each week. Some boys always got picked and some didn't, but that was expected. Everybody trained and was included.
even if the team does need to drop boys (very short sighted as the team size goes up each year until 11 a side and some will leave) they should absolutely not be dropping the long standing players. That's awful.

Can the parents of the original team get together, leave and form their own team? I don't know how you go about joining a league but I would think the local FA would give advice.

GS and his mates, little bit older, got together and joined a 5 a side league and have lots of fun. I hope there is something that will help.

Sometimes it is one of the dad's steps in because otherwise the team folds. One of my DSs is running a team, he doesn't want to, doesn't want to be IArsene Wenger and has a very busy job but it was the only way GS would be able to play football.

If people don't like the way others are doing things then they could always step up and show them how to do it.