How do I help DS work through this disappointment?

[EnglishGirlApproximately]

DS (11) joined a football club three years ago. He really struggled to start with as he lacks confidence but has improved lots. The team as a whole weren't very good but have worked hard and have now made it to first division on the local league. To cut a long story short the coach took on too many kids for the season and lots of the newer parents have been vocal in complaining their child isn't getting enough game time. The coach has decided to resolve this by shortlisting 6 players with the intention of dropping 3 at the end of the season. All of these are kids who have been there since the team formed, including DS. He's heartbroken and now thinks there's no point in working hard and being committed as it doesn't get you anywhere. I haven't seen him smile since this happened, he's become sullen and tearful. He doesn't want to play any sport again and is now talking about leaving other hobbies as he thinks he'll get pushed out. His confidence had gone back years. I know eventually they need to learn that life isn't fair and to be resilient but I'm struggling with this as he has worked so hard and done everything asked of him by the coach. Any advice much appreciated.

I don't think its as easy as just setting up a team, none of the parents have any coaching experience so wouldn't be at all helpful.
I don't believe the coach is a bad person, he's made a mistake in the squad size and completely messed up dealing with it and rolled over to please the few parents who are demanding their child gets priority. He isn't bad, just weak. I've been one of his supporters when other parents have criticised his coaching skills or decisions so its certainly not a case if thinking I know better.

DS does also have club swimming but unfortunately now feels there's no point in working hard at that if there's no loyalty back from a club. I'm hoping to turn that around as he is a really good swimmer but he's not in the right place to think about it right now.

These clubs only succeed because of volunteer good will. You won't volunteer OP, not even to try to gain the skills that you think you lack. No one else will volunteer to create the club you want to exist. There is a solution, but not the one you want, relying on other people to do the graft.

That really is awful of the coach & I agree you should complain. I found boys football to really change at around that age though, it goes from being fun to being competitive & quite rough. My son stopped playing at around age 12 because he wasn't enjoying it anymore.

@lljkk on the contrary. I volunteer in the shop and food provision at the club for matches and training, and also run the teams weekly fundraising on the touchline. I do however know my limitations and I'm not a coach.

Harsh but true.

On terms of your DS, I think you tell him what you've said here. He was part of a club that valued effort but that has recently changed to being purely results led which is a value you don't share. That club is no longer an enjoyable activity.

The lesson he could learn is that effort and shared values create great teams that are rewarding.

Change club.

Find out if his secondary school reports on effort as well as attainment. DD's does and it's a great way to acknowledge progress or pride in subjects she may not feel are her best academically.

See if u can find a more suitable friendly football team.

Honestly op..
soccer is notorious for getting more competitive at this age. In my area they make no apologies for it . The argue that playing for fun doesn't work if a team are getting beaten every week.one of my sons made it and the other didn't so I've seen both sides. If I'm honest even my son who did get picked is annoyed as they are still getting beaten most of the time, If they picked even weaker players I can only imagine how badly they'd be beaten.
Around here everyone knows the soccer ethos is a crap win at at all costs one so at least the kids know from the get go how ruthless it is and you join knowing that.
My kids play and do other sports which are much more inclusive now but as they get up to the teen years, nearly all of them are getting more competitive too.

I don't believe the coach is a bad person, he's made a mistake in the squad size and completely messed up dealing with it and rolled over to please the few parents who are demanding their child gets priority. He isn't bad, just weak.

The coach has really mismanaged this. I’d be leaving for a better and bigger club, but with some very emotive words ringing in his ears about the damage he’s done.

@Crazycrazylady they aren't getting beat every week though. In three years they've gone from losing 10 - 0 week in week out in division 3 to being mid table in division 1, and its the kids being pushed out that achieved that. The newcomers have only joined at the beginning of this season when the hard work of getting there has been done.

My ds' cricket club have entered a second team this season because there are a few new children joining and they want everyone to develop the love of the sport!

I think the coach has handled this very poorly. I wouldn't be letting my ds be asked to leave, I would start looking for a new club. And I'd be letting everyone know why, the coach's poor attitude. 17 for 9 a side doesn't seem a huge squad? Surely they need at least 11 every week and people would naturally be unavailable or unwell some weekends?

DS definitely isn't waiting to be pushed, he's made the decision to leave on his terms. The reason the coach took so many on is that last season we had a few weeks without any subs as kids couldn't make it, this year there is pretty much a full squad every week! Like I said the coach hasn't done this maliciously he's just made a mess he doesn't know how to resolve. There are already two teams at this age and the ground can't really support another as the pitches are on constant use - we already have to travel 10 miles for winter training due to lack of availability of grounds with floodlights.

My son has no coaching experience, no qualifications, he's just a dad who loved playing football as a kid and wants that for his son. He gets abuse from the competitive parents who want him to drop the kids who aren't so good but he won't and he's told them if that's what they want he will step down and they cna run it. None of them want that so he carries on.

I did a similar thing when one of mine wanted to join beavers and there were no spaces, I became a leader so he could do it. I didn't want to, had no experience but I did the courses.

Sometimes it is the only way.

Oh dear 17 for 9v9 yes it too many. Should be around 13
Not enough for two teams either.
The squad will need 17 when they get to year 8 and 11v11
Can you suggest an alternative eg each family takes 3 weeks out of matches per season
If 6 sat out each week & went eg to the park together play instead, you can keep all happy

You can then keep it as one squad ready for U13 season

Was just going to say this. You say lots of the parents are unhappy with it - I’d see if any of them would be willing to make a stand with you. He only wants to cut 3 boys, doesn’t he? I’d try to make sure he loses as many boys as possible and leave him with not enough for a team. Maybe when he realises that he’ll lose out he might come up with a more reasonable solution. And a lot of the unhappy parents might be willing to stand by you. I would definitely be saying my son isn’t hanging on being one of the 6 that ‘might’ get cut. I always tell mine it’s better to leave than be pushed.

I have loads of experience of this.
The chosen parents will stay. It's awful but the fact that their child has been picked will trump morals

However I would also try to support him to be resilient. It’s hard but this is the age where talent and natural athleticism starts to push out the triers. My son played competitively up until 12 and then he realised he wasn’t going to be a footballer for a living 😂 he decided to prioritise his other hobby, karate, because he felt he was better at it and could get more out of it for longer, and still plays football for fun. You can’t be the best at everything unfortunately.

@EnglishGirlApproximately
Defo suggest a different model.
Most families will miss the odd week so you can map it out in advance. Volunteer to coordinate it. One the 'off' weeks players should do something else fitness related eg go for a run. Valid part of training.
Having 17 for training is good as you can do more too.
The coach may not have considered it. If parents not happy then they can leave instead

@tadpolecity a few patents suggested the sitting matches out approach at the meeting we had but the coach felt that it wasn't in the best interests of the kids. I disagree but I can't change that.

I honestly don't think many parents would leave - realistically I'd be asking them to leave an established team in a larger club which has a ground, equipment etc to join a team with no qualified coach, no ground, no kit.... Just because my son has been pushed out I really don't want other kids to miss out, it isn't their fault.
DS has never expected to be a professional footballer hes quite self aware about his abilities - but if he's strong enough to be on the team that got then in division one then he shouldn't miss out because the coach has messed up.

I genuinely don't want him in the team we aren't waiting to see who gets chosen. I think he'd probably be asked to stay out of the 6 but the damage is done now.

This sounds harsh, but the problem with setting up your own team made up of those kids who are left off the starting line, is that they may well end up losing most of their matches against other teams with better and more competitive players.

That's also very demoralising for them!

Try and find another sport that isn't a team activity.

My son goes to the dry ski slope and my daughter does horse riding. Neither of these have to be competitive (unless you want them to compete)!

So so sad

Hi OP I was wondering if your son is last year Primary or first year secondary ? Sadly for your son I think this is the age when many sporting clubs become more about ability than joining in and I vaguely recall my son experiencing something similar. It is true though that resilience and being able to bounce back is a skill needing to be learned in life - and going into secondary school age is a good time to start learning.

What about looking for some other activities for him that don't require being part of a team eg running where you try to improve on your own previous best , or some kind of martial arts ? My son used to do running, tennis and table tennis. Your son could also continue to play football with small groups of friends at those all weather 5-aside pitches you can hire out. I would also have a chat with school to check whether they have noticed any impact or changes in him at school and if they are able to help with encouraging him into anything.