Mental load of having more than one child

[Sooty1983]

I have a 19 month old girl and still feel quite overwhelmed and on high alert a lot of the time though have improved considerably in last few months probably as getting more sleep. Does this increase with 2?
I do struggle a bit with my mental health generally - mostly down periods, anxiety, overthinking and overwhelm though have never actually taken anti depressents or been to doctor about it as do feel I can keep a hold on it generally.
Deep down I do think I would like to try for a second child and husband is possibly coming around to idea but I wont force him, if its no its no.
He has mentioned that I do need to consider if I can cope not just now (infant years) but in challenging times ahead. I do appreciate the last couple of years were tough for him too ofcourse.
He is 42 and I am 40 in Aug so do feel pressure to get on with trying if he agrees.
I dont want my desire to provide a sibling (which rightly or wrongly would be my main reason at mo) to overtake logic if you like.

In a way, yes of course it increases with 2 because you have two little people to think about, worry about, look after etc.

In another way, many people feel they take the second baby more in their stride than they did their first as they are more experienced the second time around. This depends on the health and needs of the babies too of course.

Your mental health and age are factors for you to consider too.

If you’re thinking you’re considering this mainly for your DD’s sake - to have a sibling - there are MANY very content only children in the world (I’m one of them and I feel very grateful for an upbringing without the shit I saw my friends experience with their siblings 😂) so no need to assume that’s what is best for her.

By the way, I don’t mean any of that badly . I also experience overwhelm, overthinking, anxiety etc so no shade intended when I said they were factors to consider.

If you have struggled with 1 I think it's going to be really hard with 2 but as long as you have the support from family you will be fine. I have completely been put off having a second child as mine doesn't sleep and I have had pretty bad anxiety since having him. I'd rather be a happy mum who can give him more attention and afford for him to do whatever he likes growing up. I'm looking forward to having a really close bond with him being an only child.

Oh totally no offence taken @Namechange58665 ,def get what youre saying. Thank you for your reply and appreciate your points and do agree. I think we do need a bit more time to consider what our real reasons behind possibly having another are and rather than pushing on as its apparently the "done thing" just let it sit for a couple of months and enjoy now (hardest thing ever to do I find 😂) . And do agree also she may not appreciate sharing us at all, shes def keeping all of my attention at mo with numerous tantrums daily 😑

@Bullzeye I know my situation is far from unique but we do not have family support nearby so rely entirely on nursery as it is. Really hope your wee boys sleep improves soon, it almost pushed me over the edge as shes only just settling more now. I can see the positives in staying at one too for many reasons.

For me, 2 is hard as their needs are so different and they often argue and fight. But DD1 has been diagnosed with autism so that might be a big part of it.

I stopped at one child because I was worried I wouldn’t cope with two. It was absolutely the right decision & DC is a happy only child with lots of friends who are also only children, and I’m a very happy mum of one. Do wherever feels right & don’t feel pressured to provide a sibling for your child.

It does increase with two but it's manageable. The thing is, the mental load should be shared between you and your DH, why are you solely responsible for it? Can you split it, so DH is responsible for all things nursery and you are responsible for all things medical (dentist, Dr) and so on - may make it easier for you?

I found it more difficult purely because I was solely responsible for everything and my ex was more than useless.

The desire to provide a sibling is a strong one. Lots of people have a second for this reason.

I very nearly did it myself, but decided against it as neither of us wanted another and it was purely for the sibling factor which felt wrong.

There were a couple of challenging years where he constantly asked for a sibling but that has passed now.

Mine is 8 and witnesses all of the arguments between his cousins and friends and their siblings. He's perfectly happy not to have that!

Yes it would be great for him to have that 'built in playmate' but that's in an ideal world and life often throws curveballs. I can say with certainty that most of the siblings I know do not have this idyllic relationship where they play harmoniously all the time. Far from it in fact!!

I agree with a pp that parents tend to be a little more "helicopter" with the first child and things are less pressured with a second or subsequent children - you've done it all before to a certain extent and a little more clued up so (for me) the anxiety that came with my first pregnancy wasn't quite as bad 2nd time around.

However, I have to say the mental load only seems to increase - worry about them at school, the logistics of school time / holidays (so sorting out childcare / pickups etc), extra curricular stuff (particularly if a child is sporty re teams / fixtures etc - I'm a member of so many Whatsapp groups to sort arrangements its not funny) then with older teenagers, out late at night, worry over revision etc and post 18 choices. I don't think its helped by being "that" age and anxiety being a symptom at least for me of menopause.

I wouldn't rule out another child if you can find strategies to deal with that. If you can carve out some time for yourself whether that just down time / meeting friends / walking - mine is running - I'm much better if I get out to do that. Its still hard at times and I think you definitely need to share the load. Good luck whatever you decide.

2 has been hard for me but only because ds2 has been a really hard, high needs baby, just coming out of it now at nearly 2.
Having the 2 children's needs hasn't really been any harder than 1 - yeah we've had to divide and conquer a bit when timings have clashed etc but dc1 is older and has established hobbies to continue with & it hasn't been suitable/possible to take a very screamy DS2 along to.

I think, rather than just thinking about the difficulties of 2 children, it's also important to think about what a difficult baby could bring along for you and whether that would be manageable

Can you train yourself that, just like with dc1, things do improve over time and whatever hard time you're facing won't last forever? Or is it more deep routed that you can't see the wood for the trees.x

We had 2, 19 months apart due to my age meaning we needed to get on with it.

It was undoubtedly hard when they were under 2 and we got 10 hours a week of a home help type person to give me extra arms (DS1 has autism and DS2 was a non sleeping baby waking every 90 mins for the first 5 months!). If you can afford something like that if need be then I'd say go for it.

At 10 and 8 they are the best of friends and spend hours and hours playing with each other.

We have three kids and once the youngest was over 2 things were much easier. I would say that I feel like I have more time now than when the first was a baby. Maybe it's just because pre kids was so long ago! Our older kids play together for ages which also gives us a break to get on with other stuff. But days out are expensive, and it takes us a lot longer to leave the house than friends with one kid. Also less time with each individually and they have fewer hobbies than only children we know (less time from us). There are ups and downs to having any number of children.

Yes it’s harder but I wouldn’t say it’s doubly hard. With my second one I found a lot easier ie I knew they’d sleep through one day, become a little person etc (I find newborns quite dull). Watching them with their DSis and vice versa is lovely - yes they bicker from time to time.

Logistics gets a bit tricker but equally they entertain one another - so swings and roundabouts.

Not being rude but you don't really have time to be coming around to the idea or thinking about it. You are leaving it a bit late if I'm honest (I'm a few weeks younger than you) I had my 3rd and final over 2 years ago and I felt that was late/pushing it, I was 36 when I got pregnant and lost one at 8 weeks, thankfully I have always got pregnant right away and fell pregnant again the next month. 40 I would be thinking more IF you can have another, not wasting time on coming around to the idea. Fertility declines and risks increase the wrong side of 40. Just get on with it if you want another.

Yes it increases if u r struggling with one don’t have another, the older u r the worse it becomes.

@QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat I create a lot of non issues myself with my overthinkingand worrying. Ive been like this as long as I can remember and do continue to try things to manage it.
I dont know how youve managed all credit to you, although I suppose there was probably noithing else for it. Thanks for the advice, husband did an extra dinner last week and even that made a big difference so will keep that up.

Thanks everyone, I do appreciate I dont have time to dither and no guarantees ever of anything. Been so helpful to get my feelings out and hear your different points of view. Not to overshare but am going to, husband is responsible for contraception and is still using it which I do find disappointing each time. Know thats my hormones not my head talking. However its only in the last few days hes mentioned the possibility of a second after i brought it up again even though I was trying to give him a bit of space on it. Do have a nagging feeling i wont be satisfied until we atleast try but will see. Thanks again

I don't think there is any increase in "mental load" when they are babies / toddlers / small children - that comes more when they are in Primary school / early secondary, when you (both of you, as parents) are trying to balance the logistics of taking them to places they need to be and making sure that they have the right 'stuff' with them on the right days and so forth.
Obviously (like most things in life) easier when you have a bigger budget - 2 cards as opposed to sharing, financial ability to be able to buy a meal (sandwich, takeaway) when out and about and so forth.
But then, my overall impression (having met probably hundreds of parents having raised 3 dc myself and been involved in different things they have belonged to) - the fewer children you have, the more anxious you are about being at everything they do and the more you have, the more relaxed you are about things like lift sharing / not standing at the side of everything they do. Yes, mass generalisation, but in life, getting 2 children to where they need to be isn't 'too much' for most parents, and for those who find it is, then potentially getting one child there would be.
Of course, if you have a child with significant SEND then all this gets far more complicated.

If I had more than one I feel like my life would revolve around my kids, and selfishly, I like my own space and my own interests.
With just one, I feel like I can achieve that.

She has always slept well, eaten well, behaved well. If I added another to the mix I just know it would all go to shit, they'd have SEN or wouldn't sleep and I would wonder why on earth I chose to have another.

I think don’t feel pressured to have another if it’s not for you

This.

I feel sad mine won't have the sibling support I have but I already feel stretched with 1 and think I need to know my limitations. Being a good mum to 1 is enough of a challenge for me!

(The way you describe your mental health challenges sounds very similar to how I'd describe mine.)

@CosieRotton your comment saying need to know my limitations rings true with me. Your daughter is v lucky to have a self aware mum. 💕 These decisions cant always be lead by the heart I do feel. Thank you, do appreciate your post.

Some people think that the ‘mental load’ can be worse when there is only one child. The one child has to carry all the parental expectations and the child has no sibling to share the parents.
The situation is put under pressure when parents have waited until almost the end of their fertile lives to decide whether to have a second child.
There are plenty of PPs who are satisfied that one child is best for them. However it might be worth remembering that if you have a loving partner and your health, it is a very natural thing to have more than one child in your family.

But it’s not about generalising whether it’s better to have one child or more than one. It’s all about what’s right for you, your child and your circumstances. Take the right decision for you, whatever that is