Mental load of having more than one child

[Sooty1983]

I have a 19 month old girl and still feel quite overwhelmed and on high alert a lot of the time though have improved considerably in last few months probably as getting more sleep. Does this increase with 2?
I do struggle a bit with my mental health generally - mostly down periods, anxiety, overthinking and overwhelm though have never actually taken anti depressents or been to doctor about it as do feel I can keep a hold on it generally.
Deep down I do think I would like to try for a second child and husband is possibly coming around to idea but I wont force him, if its no its no.
He has mentioned that I do need to consider if I can cope not just now (infant years) but in challenging times ahead. I do appreciate the last couple of years were tough for him too ofcourse.
He is 42 and I am 40 in Aug so do feel pressure to get on with trying if he agrees.
I dont want my desire to provide a sibling (which rightly or wrongly would be my main reason at mo) to overtake logic if you like.

Thankyou @JussathoB I know what you mean too, I currently am healthy thankfully and have a supportive partner and do know then end decision will have to be the right one for me. I have an apt on Monday with a parent support counsellor just for a chat, I do think will help to speak to some one in person about a few things.

It increases but it nowhere near doubles.

I regret having a second. It is too overwhelming for me at times.

I feel so guilty even saying that.

Don't forget that with 1dc, there is more onus on the parent (s) to 'entertain' them so much more of the time - whether that is literally playing with them yourself, or arranging to take them place or invite people to yours so they have someone to play with. Whereas with a bigger family it is easier to have relaxing holidays, for example where they play cricket or football or dig sandcastles with each other without you needing to play ALL the time.

This. During COVID having 2 saved my sanity - it's also great on holidays and days out, my two do fight but soon make up. My friends with only children are run ragged playing all the time, or have someone else's children round all the time.

I think it depends on what you mean by mental load.

To me that is the constant stuff that has to be remembered and actioned to run a household. So appointments, keeping on top of cooking, cleaning, washing etc, logistics of transport and childcare, birthdays, holidays and all the other crap that takes up brain space.

I don’t think having 2 kids doubles that amount of work. Unless presumably one child has additional needs. it increases obviously, but it doesn’t double it.

More kids though is more work in general. Especially in the very early years. We had a 2 ish year gap and that first year was definitely very challenging trying to balance the different needs of a baby and a toddler on broken sleep. In some ways it’s easier though as you’re more experienced second time round and you just don’t have time to fret over every little thing.

However now they are both primary age and they play together a lot and their general needs are pretty similar, so it’s probably easier in some ways than having one child to entertain.

My limit was 2 kids. I briefly considered 3 and decided that I didn’t want to put myself or my other kids through that. Several friends have 1 child for similar reasons and you should do what’s best for your family!

By mental load I mean all the things you keep in your head on a constant like whats for lunch/ dinner this week, can toddler eat it too, what washes need done, dog walks, apts, housework, clothes for nursery, whats going on at work etc. Do find it a lot, know its no more than anyone else and I do overthink massively. It is the aspect of having a sibling for company/support that is on my mind the most, probably influenced by the good relationship I am lucky to have with my brother. In my heart of hearts I would like her to have that opportunity and also as they grow up to have eachother especially as we are older parents.

Most of that isn’t child related however and wouldnt increase hugely with a further child.

By mental load I mean all the things you keep in your head on a constant like whats for lunch/ dinner this week, can toddler eat it too, what washes need done, dog walks, apts, housework, clothes for nursery, whats going on at work etc.

Well, the only one of that list that would increase is 'clothes for Nursery' which is really very niche and doesn't last for much of their lives at all - once at school they will likely be wearing uniform so no decision needed.

Yes I’ve got two and my anxiety is off the chart. Definitely increased with my second. Love her like I never thought possible but I worry constantly about both of them and it’s very wearing

I find it much harder with two, but I’m still on balance overall glad I had dc2, despite moments of deep regret!

Id find it is tricky without any family support. Thankfully I have good PiL who will help out once a month or so if needed. I have a DH who truly pulls his weight too. I mean he largely acts like he hates me a lot of the time. But he is a great dad and he works very hard at making family life happen.

You’re almost out of the really difficult years with dc1, it gets easier when they’re older and you won’t be on high alert.

Having a second baby will throw you back into that but it’s so much easier. Babies are easier and less demanding than older children for the first few months, apart from the sleepless nights!

Dont over analyse your feelings. Your gut is telling you to have another child so I’d go with it. The mental load seems a lot at first but isn’t really, just get a wall planner.

Most of those things you’ve mentioned don’t really increase that much with an extra child. They’re just general running a household mental load. There is more washing and cooking etc because there’s an extra person, but you don’t think about it more particularly!

I think the hardest part is the different and competing needs of having a baby and a toddler/preschooler. It’s physically tiring and can be a logistical challenge with different childcare settings and things like naps and routines, but it doesn’t really last that long.

After about age 3 for second child, yes you have another person’s needs in your family to meet, but in general 2 kids needs aren’t double that of one. A lot of things they do together now, like I book 2 dentist appointments at same time, 2 hairdresser appointments at same time, make packed lunch for 2 kids at same time, order school uniforms for both at the same time. Wash their clothes together. Make them do homework at the same time. They eat the same food (mostly), they go to the same school at the same time now. Yes sometimes one has a party or a club or is sick and DH and I have to coordinate logistics to get them to different places at the same time, but that’s just family life!

I think we need to atleast try as it is what I want. I need to adjust my mindset on it and focus on the positives ratherr than only seeing the hard work and risks.

I wonder what did you decide? I’m exactly at the same position like you and the same age, even birthday in August 😉

@Violina we have only just in the last month decided to try again. It has been my indecision that has stalled us mostly. My husband is ok with one however will try again. Dtd is more of the issue, I go to bed early and 2.5 yo wakes up at 6 so it’s an effort. We also had a miscarriage in Dec at 12 weeks though that pregnancy wasnt planned and we have both got better at communicating what we want off the back of it. How are you feeling about it all. So nice to speak to someone in same position.

I see. Mine is 18 months and I always wanted to have 2 years old gap (I mean before I had him) but literally can’t imagine to have 2 years old and a baby now. I started to read about it and thinking “maybe I meant to have an only one?” but had a conversation with my husband today who wanted more.
I will be 40 in August and feeling not ready for another child (sleep deprivation was horrible) however I would probably change my mind if we could afford it and had some help. We don’t have any parents around (they live in a different country) plus my partner has to work a lot so I basically do everything by myself.
The baby stage was extremely difficult for me but it was also my fault (having him constantly on my breast so he didn’t even sleep independently) so I would be definitely wiser with another one.
Is a very tough decision, it’s it? Especially when I really enjoy this stage (mine has just started walking).

I wish you the best, please update me if you like. I let you know too.
Hopefully you will get pregnant very soon (I had to use TCM as it turned out I had PCOS).

I agree with @Africa2go absolutely. I'm a worrier and had 2 siblings for various complicated reasons to do with ex husband constantly threatening to fight for more access for DS1. The other two were with a new partner. I do think the more children the more there is to worry about. Though as others have said my own menopause is coinciding with complicated teen lives, so the combo isn't great. I do feel anxious as a result.

@Violina yes when they start getting on their feet such a lovely fun stage so understand what you mean, don't want to be distracted from it all. It is hard and agree made harder with circumstances. It would be great to have family nearby to help even now and then and be financially sound.

I have read a lot too (too much really) so know their is no perfect scenario, pluses and minuses to every choice. Yes I would love to know your outcome and I’ll let you know ours too.

Yes @marly2 def see what @Africa2go was saying, good to re read actually. And also to see things from your point of view now you’re living it. I hope the menopause symptoms ease or at least are manageable. This being a woman business is a joy at times