Has anyone given up before?

[Brunette1901]

Now that my DD is almost 3 and DS has just turned 1, I thought I had gotten over the "mourning" of my old life. I worked really hard at squashing down all my anger and guilt because I have no free time to do anything I love any more. I had just and I mean JUST started to be okay with the fact I'm worthless until they are at school until I had the worst day of my life with them yesterday. I'm talking smashed mirrors, smashed consoles, smashed letter boxes. Poo being smushed into a desk chair whilst I'm cleaning up regurgitated cardboard from the toilet sink. I could go on but it was HARD and I don't really have any one I could call for help as everyone I know is at work. DD has decided it is time for her to grow up all on her own so we've had trouble with sleeping (from cot to bed) and trouble with potty training. Lots of accidents but the intention is there from her so I can't discourage her or postpone it until we get the bed time routine down. I don't think I've slept well in two weeks so that doesn't help, I don't do well with being sleep deprived.

I think the thing which is making me feel like giving up and walking away is the fact I miss my freedom. I'm crying nearly every day about it. I would give anything and I mean ANYTHING to be able to go to sleep without being riddled with anxiety that I'm in for a bad night. To be able to eat my breakfast without moaning. To have a shower without screaming. To just be able to do simple human things without feeling comfortable. I don't remember the last time I felt truly at peace or comfortable. I am sat on my sofa right now, it is the evening, and I can't enjoy the show I'm watching because I have to keep pausing the TV to hear if they've woken up after spending an two hours putting them to bed. I have been comfortable only once in the entire time I have had my kids and that was when I was on a plane without my kids and I physically could not be contacted. I'm constantly stressed. I'm stress eating my days away. My toddler is very head strong and never sat still a day in her life so taking them out for walks or to the shop is a nightmare. She runs off EVERYTIME and I lose her EVERYTIME. I'm not a horrible mum. I plan activities every day and do those activities every time. Since the birth of my son I've developed OCD so my house is always clean and the kids are always clean etc. My DD goes to preschool for 15 hours a week but it is of no use to me because I've still got DS at home to entertain.

I don't know. I just feel like I want my life to stay the same (same home, same partner, same family and the way family thinks of me) but don't know want my kids any more. I want to give up just so I can have a break and I'm not talking a "week off" I'm talking no more kids permanently kind of break because I can't switch off. From the moment I finally sleep to the moment they wake me up I'm riddled with anxiety and I'm unbelievably exhausted. This level of constant stress can't be good for any one. They say you need to look after yourself to be able to look after your kids but how can I when they won't allow me to?

Is giving up my happiness and my health worth putting up with the kids? Lately, I'm finding it a really difficult question to answer.

Don't want to read and run. Sounds really really hard and totally understandable for you to feel like this. l think you need a break and support: important to rest so you can keep going.

Have you sought any support for your LCD? Do you think you have any other MH issues? Reading your OP, it seems like you may do- can you make yourself a GP appointment or seek help elsewhere?

Where is your partner in all this? Can they facilitate a proper break for you?

Will you go to work? Can you earn enough to make it worthwhile? It sounds counter intuitive but I find working easier than being home full time with the DC. You get a break from them, an outlet, a sense of achievement and the house is less a tip as there is no one in it messing it up.

This behaviour sounds really extreme. From a two year old?!

Do you have a partner? Where's DC dad?

It sounds more relentless than normal life with small DC and you need support with that. Maybe start with the health visitor or GP. Explain an example of a worse but fairly typical day and the effects on you.

Who did the smashing stuff? You or DD?

I'm sorry you're feeling so low. Your sentence that really jumped out at me is you saying you're 'worthless' until the kids go to school. You're mourning your old life so much. How can things change so that you regain some of that?

Having kids is wonderful but it doesn't need to mean losing yourself and your own identity. I'm guessing you gave up work and aren't on ML but can you find a job, at least part time? I continued working even when childcare bills equalled my income, because it was important to me to retain other aspects of my life as well as being mum.

You sound totally burnt out.Kids feed off us, and I'm not saying that as a criticism but unfortunately if you are stressed and unsettled they will be too.That won't change unless you do.

You say you have a partner and family...what are they doing to support you?? As it sounds like you are handling alot of the parenting responsibilities on your own.

It sounds like you definitely need some therapy or medication too so get a GP appt ASAP.

There really needs to be some major changes in your life, both for your sake and for that of your little children, who of course are challenging but through no fault of their own.

Please make an appointment to see your GP. I had similar feelings when my own dc were a similar age. Since starting Citalopram I cope and feel much better. Is there any chance you could work, even for just a few hours to give yourself a break?
Have you spoken with anyone, maybe your health visitor about your daughters behaviour? It does seem rather extreme for that age .

I'm talking smashed mirrors, smashed consoles, smashed letter boxes. Poo being smushed into a desk chair whilst I'm cleaning up regurgitated cardboard from the toilet sink. I could go on

this isnt notmal. You need some help. Speak to your HV about this. Give them a ring.

can you go back to
work?

This behaviour doesn't sound OK. I have kids and it's nothing like this. Have you spoken to your health visitor?

You have to do what's right for you and nobody has the right to make you feel this way. If you need to give up to save your own mental health, that's what needs to be done, it sounds like you cannot continue as you are.

I don't really have any advice but I can send solidarity. My days are taken up by following my very high needs one year old around the house as she crawls, climbs, opens draws, pulls things off shelves etc. I find it a lot easier to be out of the house with her if I'm honest. A long walk in the buggy, a high chair in Costa, even a flipping Asda trolley if I'm desperate.

You are not alone. I relate so much to the anxiety especially at night. How the hell are you meant to relax and fall asleep knowing that you could be woken up at any moment. It's like torture.

All I can say is it won't last forever. These kids will be in school soon and your routine will change again. In the meantime do what you need to to get through the days. You're not alone.

OP you sound overwhelmed and I’m not surprised; as others have said, the childrens behaviours isn’t within normal realms of having an off day. I’m sure most of us with struggle with that.

write down a plan of what you can do next to get some support. This could include

seeking babysitting for littlest one
speaking to HV
looking for some counselling for you- support for OCD, parenting & generally feeling crap would be helpful.
what one nice thing can you do for yourself each day
can you go to bed earlier to catch up on missed sleep
can DH do the nights for a few nights? Can anyone else?

good luck; this time will pass quickly. No one can do it all alone.

Is there anything you can do to make it less stressful for you because it’s likely the kids will ruin stuff? Child proofing type things. So putting all the things you don’t want them getting into (like consoles) someplace out of sight and inaccessible? Can you put a lock on a cupboard and stash important things in it?
What spaces are available to you where the kids can just be without you needing to watch every nanosecond? Is there a safe bedroom/playroom for them? Can you use a playpen for the little one when you want to shower etc? Especially when you eldest is at nursery.
Is there any outside space you could use for messy play without it causing you unmanageable stress? Mudpies in the garden dressed in puddlesuits? Painting with overshirts on and old clothes. Have you tried ´clean’ messy play - a tub of soapy bubble filled water and a bunch of plastic toys to clean?
And I second the idea of you going back to work and putting the kids in nursery. Even if you make no money after childcare is paid, it might be a better balance for you, and the kids will get a variety of activities.

Do you have any fenced in parks nearby? Can you out reins on the oldest child and then have them hold the buggy while you walk? Do you drive? Could you strap them into the car and go somewhere enclosed where they can burn off energy ?

Please see your GP, I believe medication will help you enormously.

This all sounds a bit extreme to be honest. Yes it's tough but to say you have never had a moment of peace since they were born is a bit bizzare and makes me think either something is really amiss with your children or perhaps something is amiss with you? Where on earth is your partner in all this parenting? I think you need a serious conversation with he/she re sharing the load and ensuring you have time to yourself. And also a chat with your GP re how you are feeling assuming you don't think there are any developmental issues with your children.

My first question would be who smashed the stuff? Because if it was you then it sounds like you've come to the absolute end of your tether and you need some immediate help to protect you and your children xx

Thank you all for your messages. I feel better now knowing that what I'm going through is hard.

My partner is around, he's a very hands on dad and we share everything apart from the night wakings but that is self inflicted. I am a very light sleeper so if one of the kids is awake I hear it first and won't go to sleep until they are asleep so I think what is the point in us both being tired. We take it in turns, he does DD bedtime one day and I do DS and vice versa. Our DS is an angel at going to sleep, you just put him down and he's gone but then there's dinner to be made and cleaning to be done. It's just feels never ending for both of us.

We have family we could ask to help but having done so in the past and received backlash we've stopped asking.

I have thought about going back to work but it wouldn't be viable until my DD is 3 and gets 30 free hours so I'm stuck until September.

I don't really know what is normal and not normal as my children are the first grandchildren and don't have anyone else to compare to I guess. My DD has been to speech therapy but they say nothing is wrong even though she's barely speaking. She's clever, I think that is the problem. They think she is just choosing not to talk because she fully understands what we are saying. I don't know why, perhaps she was a pandemic baby and hardly went out? Her preschool don't have any concerns for her either.

OP this is no good. Where is your help? What is your DP doing? Do you have any family? Could you get some extra childcare? Could you go back to work?

It sounds like things are getting slightly out of control and you need help pretty quickly. The people around you need to step up and/or you need to see the GP.

Good luck, things will get better.

You need a break. At least a weekend. Possibly a whole week.
Can your family step in and give you this time?

Gently OP, none of this isn’t normal. Either the children’s behaviour (assuming they were the ones that caused all the damage) or your almost grief like emotions to change, your total sense of worthlessness and high degree of stress. I assumed you must be a single parent until you mentioned your partner. Two things jump out - firstly, why are they never giving you a break and secondly, are you married? I take it your a SAHM. I’d review this urgently. Whilst going back to work isn’t the same as ‘freedom’, it’s a bloody good way to have adult company, drink hot drinks and use your brain for something different. It also means you are financially more secure if your relationship was to end. I think you should also speak to your GP ASAP about antidepressants +/- talking therapy. I usually hate the automatic assumption that every new mother who isn’t ‘loving every minute’ is depressed…but you sound way beyond what would be considered a normal adjustment reaction.

You have a partner why haven't you had time off? Tbh im a lone parent many parents walk away (mainly men)

I used to feel like this, you’re not alone. I used to dream of getting divorced so I could have every other weekend off.

I think you need to talk to your partner to give you a regular break.

it does pass.

I have thought about going back to work but it wouldn't be viable until my DD is 3 and gets 30 free hours so I'm stuck until September

Unless by ‘not viable’ you mean, we couldn’t afford to eat anymore and would be homeless, then I think you should review this. Giving up your happiness and health to the extent of wanting to walk away from your DC forever isn’t exactly viable either.

But then there's dinner to be made and cleaning to be done. It's just feels never ending for both of us

Sorry, although there is so much that isn’t necessarily ‘normal’ in what you’ve written, I think this is the norm for most working families with small DC. DH and I don’t have much of a life currently. Neither do our friends, unless they have grandparent care on tap.

You say your partner is hands on and supportive, could he have the kids on a Friday/Saturday night and you go book yourself into a hotel? You need a break.
I also agree you need to speak to your HV and GP, I had post natal depression after my first and I can't tell you how many times I cried that I didn't want her and could someone take her away. I loved her immensely, I just couldn't cope. It did get better and it will for you, you just need to get some help from the right places.
Sending hugs