Has anyone given up before?

[Brunette1901]

Now that my DD is almost 3 and DS has just turned 1, I thought I had gotten over the "mourning" of my old life. I worked really hard at squashing down all my anger and guilt because I have no free time to do anything I love any more. I had just and I mean JUST started to be okay with the fact I'm worthless until they are at school until I had the worst day of my life with them yesterday. I'm talking smashed mirrors, smashed consoles, smashed letter boxes. Poo being smushed into a desk chair whilst I'm cleaning up regurgitated cardboard from the toilet sink. I could go on but it was HARD and I don't really have any one I could call for help as everyone I know is at work. DD has decided it is time for her to grow up all on her own so we've had trouble with sleeping (from cot to bed) and trouble with potty training. Lots of accidents but the intention is there from her so I can't discourage her or postpone it until we get the bed time routine down. I don't think I've slept well in two weeks so that doesn't help, I don't do well with being sleep deprived.

I think the thing which is making me feel like giving up and walking away is the fact I miss my freedom. I'm crying nearly every day about it. I would give anything and I mean ANYTHING to be able to go to sleep without being riddled with anxiety that I'm in for a bad night. To be able to eat my breakfast without moaning. To have a shower without screaming. To just be able to do simple human things without feeling comfortable. I don't remember the last time I felt truly at peace or comfortable. I am sat on my sofa right now, it is the evening, and I can't enjoy the show I'm watching because I have to keep pausing the TV to hear if they've woken up after spending an two hours putting them to bed. I have been comfortable only once in the entire time I have had my kids and that was when I was on a plane without my kids and I physically could not be contacted. I'm constantly stressed. I'm stress eating my days away. My toddler is very head strong and never sat still a day in her life so taking them out for walks or to the shop is a nightmare. She runs off EVERYTIME and I lose her EVERYTIME. I'm not a horrible mum. I plan activities every day and do those activities every time. Since the birth of my son I've developed OCD so my house is always clean and the kids are always clean etc. My DD goes to preschool for 15 hours a week but it is of no use to me because I've still got DS at home to entertain.

I don't know. I just feel like I want my life to stay the same (same home, same partner, same family and the way family thinks of me) but don't know want my kids any more. I want to give up just so I can have a break and I'm not talking a "week off" I'm talking no more kids permanently kind of break because I can't switch off. From the moment I finally sleep to the moment they wake me up I'm riddled with anxiety and I'm unbelievably exhausted. This level of constant stress can't be good for any one. They say you need to look after yourself to be able to look after your kids but how can I when they won't allow me to?

Is giving up my happiness and my health worth putting up with the kids? Lately, I'm finding it a really difficult question to answer.

I would suggest the following:

• start seriously looking for work. Even if childcare costs more than you earn for the next few months, it's worth forking out until sept when you'll get the free hours. You can't put a price on your well being. It's not that going to work is easier - it's a tough gig with little ones! - but you're using your skills and brain in a different way and it gives another aspect to your life which is clearly important to you.

• get your dh to deal with the night waking for a few nights just so you can 'reset.' Even if the kids wake you, let him deal with it so you can rest as much as possible. I get why you normally do the night wakings because you're a SAHP and that's a reasonable set up in the circumstances but you need to recharge yourself.

• stop setting yourself impossibly high standards for housework. Focus on looking after the children, interacting with them and keeping on top of the basics. The house doesn't need to be pristine.

• if it's your dd who is smash

Oops!

• if it's dd who is smashing stuff up, lock away things like consoles. It's not normal for a 3 year old to be doing that and you need to protect your belongings while seeking help for her behaviour. Talk to her GP/ health visitor

I'm sorry you're finding it so difficult. Its a hard hard stage and you're doing your best. Reading your post maybe look at following:

1. Put reigns on toddler so you can't lose her. She has no option not to put them on. She doesn't leave house/car without them. She can tantrum all she likes, just stand there until she is done. She is on reigns and can't run off and hurt herself.

2. Make a 'safe space'. If the kids are getting into mischief while you're cleaning the last mischief, make a little baby prison 😂. Safe space that's easily cleanable with toys, babyproofed etc that you can pop them in while you clean up or take 5 mins if it's getting too much.

3. Dad needs to step up with nights. Either you sleep elsewhere while he has monitor or you wake him up. Go stay in hotel or at friends/ family for a night or two to get some decompression time.

4. Why were they able to access mirrors and consoles etc to break? Make your life easier by having them out well out of reach, have locks on your doors and only allow the kids in safe rooms.

You should definitely be able to shower etc in peace if you have a partner especially one who you describe as very hands on!

I think you're so overwhelmed it's hard for you to see small changes that could make a big difference such as toddler/baby proofing house more or ways to get a break eg partner looks after both for morning/afternoon each weekend.

Why are you pausing the TV to hear crying? Just get monitors.

If toddler bedtime is tough your partner can do that every night as he's not doing night wakings or the day to day care.

Just give up on the potty training. Sounds like she's not ready so come back to it when she is. No biggie unless you make it one.

I agree about going back to work. For the mental break if not actual money.

Also, get a cheap secondhand double pushchair. If your daughter runs off, she gets strapped in so she's safe. Or twins reins as PP suggest.

Your partner could do breakfast and you eat in another room in peace.

Eat dinner with the children and reheat a portion for your partner, or just eat very easy things/ready meals a few times a week etc. Anything you can do to lighten the load.

I think you need a few days away to reset first though. Sounds like you can't see the wood for the trees at the moment.

Im really sorry you’re feeling like this. I was at home with my two at that age and your post really resonated with me.

What turned things around for me was going to work. I agree with the pp who said it’s worth sucking up the cost if it has a positive impact on your wellbeing. I got a job as a TA, mornings only. It paid peanuts but I just felt so much happier.

The other thing that’s evident is that you need regular, scheduled time to yourself. Is this possible? Your ds at nursery a couple of mornings a week? Or a family member having both dcs one afternoon a week? You’ll feel the benefit all through the week as it will be something you can look forward to. A whole day would be best, but I know it easier said than done.

Would your dh ever take your dc to his parents for the night? Again, just knowing that time to yourself is coming can really help.

I hope you can have a chat with your dh and find some way to make your life happier.

Sorry to be a cliche, but I found exercise helped me a lot when kids were really small. I never enjoyed the exercise, but felt like it bought me 36 hours of being calmer and less overwhelmed.

My middle DS was very hard work from 18 months untill he was around 6. I couldn't take him anywhere, I'd be on edge every moment, having to be right beside him while dealing with a baby and a preschooler too Weekends were easier because there was an extra person. The most extreme part of his behaviour was due to how little sleep he was getting, he's also Autistic, though we didn't know at the time. I moved into his room with youngest who was a baby then. I could get him back to sleep quicker this way and it was the only thing that got me some sleep.

I also went on antidepressants for my crippling anxiety and panic attacks, it not only helped those but it helped me sleep too. I remember one day the youngest two tipped milk all over the loungeroom carpet and I just felt despair. I had nothing left. Stbxh did bugger all, but the childcare part of it did get easier over time.

All my boys are Autistic, 2 had language delays at your DD's age, they could speak more than your DD can, both started speech therapy around 4. Our youngest DS is gifted and tends to get up to all sorts when bored. He didn't start just speaking though. He could understand us but no one we saw considered his expressive speech delay to not warrant intervention simply because he didn't have a receptive speech delay as well. Being gifted doesn't mean he hasn't required therapy for his speech and fine motor delays.

Sleeping in DS room and going on antidepressants saved my sanity. I don't think it's ever going to be easy with my DS,, but that intense time where I had to be watching them every moment, can't sleep, being on edge waiting for the next thing to g wrong, time is past. I don't know how I survived it, but I did. It felt endless but it passed. I'd recommend seeing your GP. Gentle hugs and best wishes for finding your way through this.

I felt a lot like this when mine were a similar age. I started volunteering for a few hours a week which got me out of the house and away from it all for a bit. I also went to the GP and took sertraline anti-depressants for about 18 months. It honestly really helped me to reset my emotions and reduce my stress levels.

The above really helped and they also got older and it slowly started to get easier. I used to be adamant that I should split with my partner also like a PP I read purely so I would have alternate weekends childfree. I even considered being the non-resident parent and just walking out!

You definitely need some alone time and so what if family give you a bit of backlash. If they are willing to help take it, even if it's just an afternoon or evening off.

For me, the anti depressants took the edge off so I was better able to deal with each day and make changes. I'm not saying they're the answer for everyone but it might be worth having a chat with your GP especially as you mention you're noticing obsessive like behaviour

Who was doing the smashing? Was that an exceptional day? Why are you so alert for them waking up, is it because you're expecting it? That aside and without undermining your stress, it does sound pretty normal for 2 toddlers. It's full-on chaos a lot of the time. Each age has it's different stresses, though - I felt the baby stages were easier for me personally, though some people hate it and find it tedious. I don't think you really want to get rid of your kids, or at least you know you can't and keep all the nice bits! But feeling as you do must be terribly hard: noting the OCD development I would suggest talking honestly to your doctor (they will have heard this many times before and not think you a lunatic). Some anti-depressants might well be in order.
Is it easier to stay in or go out? Do you feel up to playgroups?

This OP.

You are a person too.
Keeping your partner and your family's opinion of you means nothing if you end it all because you can't take it anymore.

In extremis, running away never to be seen again to Australia or Argentina would be better than that. Which people have done.

OP, I had the same anxiety going to bed. I've sleep trained mine at 4 months and now when it's bed time, it's bath-pyjamas-teddy - and bed. Lights out. Closed door. For 12 hours until I get him in the morning.

I watch him on the monitor and he plays with his teddy then falls asleep. No crying for 12 hours.

The difference it made to my mental well-being is immense. I'm so much happier and tolerant knowing I have a 12 hour break (and a good sleep) no matter what kind of day I've had.

I have thought about going back to work but it wouldn't be viable until my DD is 3 and gets 30 free hours so I'm stuck until September

then how has your husband gone back to work after the birth? Can you both not work pt if he is currently managing to work ft? Why is it your career that is suffering?

It definitely doesn't sound normal. I sometimes think parents create more issue than there needs to be. Why not tackle one transition at a time? So that 3 year old isn't overwhelmed, tackle bedtime/cot first then when that's established move onto potty training. You sound very much like you've given up and I put money on it that comes across in your parenting style.. I mean that as nicely as possible. Children pick up on an unconnected and distant parent, I think alot of the behavioural issues will be down to that. The first thing you need to do is see a GP, secondly, I recommend self referring to your local Homestart or similar, they will provide a whole host of support and advice to get you were you need to be.

just to add, my ds was really difficult as a young child. He is 12 now and a wonderful boy, caring and considerate, and has been for years. What I found worked like magic with him when he was in the terrible 2-5’s, and seriously I mean it when I say like magic!, was making sure he had something to eat every two hours. And to make sure he was drinking plenty of water. Always carry snacks.

What a ridiculous goady comment. Some of the people on Mumsnet at the moment

Heart goes out to you OP

I think these threads are well intentioned but quickly get bogged down in advice that often isn’t really much practical use. If it was as simple as ‘go back to work’ or ‘get reins’ then there wouldn’t be days where we’re at breaking point, and we are I think, all of us. Not sure about regionally but the weather here is terrible at the moment too

I agree that acknowledging the feeling of frustration and insurmountableness is important, the essence of those practical suggestions is this: it really helps to have some spaces and some times when you don’t need to try to control your toddler’s behavior. Spaces and times where they can just be and you’re just there watching rather than anticipating all they things you need to prevent. It doesn’t matter whether in your house that means they are allowed to finger paint the walls of the playroom or whether that means you give them a half hour bath everyday whether they need it or not just because they play nicely in the bath and the cleanup is minimal. Whether that means always driving to the good enclosed playground 15 minutes instead of struggling along with a runaway toddler to the playground round the corner with no fence or buying garden toys for your fenced in garden because the parks nearby and a nightmare for you. You have to find what works for your kids and your own preferences and needs in terms of mess and cleanup and tolerance of danger/ability to physically manhandle 2 toddlers.

I could have written this 30 years ago! I absolutely hated my life and hated being a parent. I had a bag packed in the boot of the car for a long, long time. I didn't have Internet, obviously in those days. There are a lot of resources for parents now, have a look, and pick apart some of the better comments on here. I also started exercising once the children were at playgroup/ school..that helped.
Good luck OP..

@Howmanymiles
I disagree - there have been lots of very practical suggestions which could be implemented straight away - eg: putting consoles out of reach to avoid breakage, getting her dh (who she says is great) to do a few night shifts so she can 'reset', cut down on housework, have a week or two of really simple quick meals...

I agree that returning to work doesn't happen overnight but personally I think it's helpful that people have suggested getting that in motion. It's clear the OP is desperately mourning her old life, she describes herself as feeling worthless until the kids are in school - but it doesn't need to be like that.

I assume the family can afford childcare for one child (since the OP mentions it becoming affordable once the elder one, the dd, gets 30 free hours in Sept.) This suggests that the OP could have returned to work when she just had the dd, but perhaps she felt social pressure to stop working and be a SAHM, then had baby number 2 and she just feels trapped in a cycle. Many many women want to retain aspects of their life alongside being a mum. It can be a really positive thing, and it's clear the OP values her independence and doing things other than just looking after the kids and home. I would strongly advise she starts planning to get back to work because it sounds like it will rebuild her self esteem and improve her mental health. It may not be a quick fix but honestly, the OP said she's only felt comfortable and relaxed once since having the dc. That's awful! This degree of unhappiness will be rubbing off on the children and it doesn't need to be this way.