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Feeling stupid..

29 replies

Dandelioncl0ck · 15/04/2023 14:33

This sounds really ridiculous but just met my friend's new baby for the first time and am feeling really jealous of how easy they seem to be finding it. We had a rough start with DD (14weeks) - jaundice, readmitted to hospital, feeding problems to the point that BF has only really felt easy and comfortable for the last couple of weeks. As a result I guess I've felt quite frazzled up until now but things are starting to feel more settled now especially as she's sleeping longer stretches at night and I'm feeling like we're hitting our stride a bit more but I'm still nervous about some stuff. We try and get out every day, local stuff like baby groups or a walk round the park or to the supermarket. One time DH and I took her to the pub for one and felt so impressed with ourselves! We also went away for a weekend with my parents to Brighton and again felt like such an achievement.

My friend's baby is a week old and they have been out to the pub with friends 3 times already, out for dinner, walks at places they've needed to take the bus (still too nervous to take our pram on the bus as they're always really crowded round here and I'm worried about not being able to fit/ the baby crying although i have got the bus with the sling). They've booked four foreign holidays over the next few months. Feeding has been easy and the baby never cries. I offered to make them a cup of tea when we were round and they looked at me like I was being silly. Basically they just seem to be finding having a baby to be a doddle and it's making me feel like I'm going a bit crazy. Why have I found it so much harder?? Have I missed something?

I know comparison is the thief of joy and everyone is different and that it's great that my friends are finding things so manageable and it's really silly but can't help but feel sad, like I've been doing things all wrong and that it's sad that I feel a sense of achievement going to sainsburys when they're out at restaurants and planning long haul trips and their house is spotless... not really sure what I'm asking tbh but did anyone else feel like this?

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Original poster
Dandelioncl0ck · 15/04/2023 14:34

Should also say I love DD so much and I'm loving being a mum. Just finding it tough and thought that was normal ha but now feeling like I've made a big deal out of it

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ecossegirl91 · 15/04/2023 14:48

You’re not alone. Mine is nearly 6m and hardest 6m of my life so far. Hard baby (if you want to call him that). Colic, reflux and basically cried all day long for the first 4 months to the point I was housebound bar going a daily walk. Too anxious for groups and cafes due to the screaming. It’s getting better in terms of his mood but his sleep is awful now. So now I’m sleep deprived. i also feel envy at my friends with sunny contented children as much as I try to not. You are not alone!

F1nit0 · 15/04/2023 15:06

I found the first 6 weeks easy and then DS developed 'colic' (me not realising how much he needed to nap for ages) and then went through hell with him screaming all day for weeks. We went out for dinner loads when he was up to 6 weeks because he would just sleep. Then stopped when he wouldn't sleep and I lost all confidence in taking him out because of his screaming. I guess what I'm saying is people find different stages hard, just because they are finding it easy now doesn't mean they won't find it hard in a few weeks.

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RandomMess · 15/04/2023 15:11

All of mine slept loads the first 6/7 weeks. One developed silent reflux and then it was 8 months of hell and a further year until before things were loads better.

Hopefully you are over the most difficult stretch for you Flowers

Oldermum84 · 15/04/2023 15:17

I feel the same as you. I felt awful (looking back I'm sure I had PND), didn't sleep for longer than 1.5 hours for the first month a d the baby never seemed to stop crying. I can't help hating it when other people find it easy. He's 3 and I'm yet to take him out for dinner!

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Dandelioncl0ck · 15/04/2023 16:06

@ecossegirl91 that sounds super tough, we've been lucky not to have to deal with reflux or colic but totally get feeling housebound by the crying, it makes me feel so anxious and on edge! Mine feeds frequently or did and always had to really carefully plan trips around that before we got the hang of feeding better.. really feel glad that things are getting easier and that the sleep gets better soon 💐

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Dandelioncl0ck · 15/04/2023 16:10

@F1nit0 that's really true... I think we weren't really able to enjoy the quiet first weeks as she was unwell and we were on a strict 2 hourly feeding plan including pumping and top ups so were more limited in where we could go by that plus worrying about her health. And then it did get harder in a different way from 5/6 weeks with a lot of growth spurts and cluster feeding which was rough when feeding hurt so much! But your right, things change so much so quickly

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Dandelioncl0ck · 15/04/2023 16:12

@RandomMess thank you 🙏and bless you that sounds really tough, glad things got loads easier! Always good to remember no phase lasts forever with babies

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Dandelioncl0ck · 15/04/2023 16:15

@Oldermum84 ha yeah I feel like I've probably missed the boat for going out for dinner now, only really possible if you have a really chill sleepy newborn! I have wondered at times if I've got a bit of PND or anxiety or if it's just a natural response to the upheaval of having a new baby and then coming across people who don't seem to find it an upheaval at all make me think I'm going nuts 🙈

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MoserRothOrangeandAlmond · 15/04/2023 16:29

Comparison is the thief of joy. Everyone finds different stages hard with conception, pregnancy, babies and families.
You found the first few weeks hard, that's perfectly normal!
I found it hard to get pregnant! Then had a complicated high risk pregnancy with weekly scans, baby not growing etc.
First few weeks to me are just about survival. I found the baby stage easier than all that. Your friends survival may be not being in the house! I couldn't stand being the house, being out made us feel better.
No one knows what's going on behind closed doors.

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Dandelioncl0ck · 15/04/2023 16:45

@MoserRothOrangeandAlmond you're absolutely right, it does no good to compare yourselves to others, I know it's silly but it makes me feel weirdly lonely that I've struggled when she's coping so well. But of course I only get a little glimpse of the big picture and it's early days for them (and it's not like I want them to struggle, I'm happy for her! Just envious)

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Maraudingmarauders · 15/04/2023 16:52

What is it about her crying that makes you anxious- worried people are going to judge you? We need to take a leaf out of Italy's book. No one judges a mother trying (and failing) to soothe a crying baby, they're just likely to offer a hand or offer you a smile. Breastfeeding in public is the norm.
Try not to let other people's judgement stop you enjoying your time with your baby - most of it will be in your head anyway.
But despite that, celebrate away you can achieve no matter how small. Your friends will have challenges at different points and no one knows what goes.on behind closed doors! Plus every baby is different!

Beamur · 15/04/2023 16:53

Some babies are just easier than others!
I was amazed by my friend excusing herself to put her baby down for a nap. I settled down for a 20/30 minute wait and she literally walked upstairs, popped him in his cot, covered him with a blanket and walked straight out AND HE WENT TO SLEEP! This would not have happened with my DD..

MissEira · 15/04/2023 16:56

Its not you, its the baby! DS was so easy and he was our first. We were really proud to be such amazing parents, because everything was just easy.
Then the second time around it was really hard. I think the fact that DS was still very young too didnt help, but the main thing was that DD was just a lot more work.
Mine are 7 and 8 now and DD is easier atm, they go through phases.

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Dandelioncl0ck · 15/04/2023 17:12

@Maraudingmarauders it's less the judgement of others than just feeling really panicked about her being upset? And wanting to fix it ASAP, the answer usually being feeding which I'm happy doing in public now that we've got the hang of it (less so when I was wincing in pain and having to use both hands to hold her in place balanced on pillows...) but can't always do it immediately ie if your traveling somewhere... but I am probably overly sensitive about this and it is getting easier as she gets older

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Dandelioncl0ck · 15/04/2023 17:14

@Beamur 😂 oh wow! DD only contact naps at the moment so I'm trapped on the sofa a lot but trying to enjoy the chance to catch up on books and TV before she's bigger and I'm chasing after her all day!

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BertieBotts · 15/04/2023 17:17

People find different things hard. I found the newborn stages easy but age 3/4 is a total nightmare and I really struggle. Other people with kids this age seem to be taking them out all the time and going places and I always find it's a total tantrum/unsafe disaster. Or they are breathing a sigh of relief that the toddler stage is over whereas I feel like it's just beginning to ramp up!

It sounds like your friends might have a lot of money if they are booking loads of holidays, that's got to help? DH was able to take several months paternity leave with DC2 and 3 (we live abroad) and that was a huge help just to have another pair of hands around and not have to worry about any work routines.

Also agree that feeding issues or not makes a huge difference.

YukoandHiro · 15/04/2023 17:18

I totally understand. I had a similar start to you with my first. I was so angry about everyone else just having a lovely old time.

I had DD2 3 years later and we had a much better beginning and it began to heal some of the wounds.

Go easy on yourself. A traumatic start leaves a scar, and it can take a while to mend.

Original poster
Dandelioncl0ck · 15/04/2023 17:18

@MissEira yeah got to remember they're all individuals and it's not one size fits all. And that compared to some people, I have an "easy" baby!

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Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 15/04/2023 17:26

One of mine was like your friends and one was like yours. The third and fourth I think I was in the swing of things. I had to go out because the older ones were at school and I had to get them to activities etc so we just got on with it, they had to slot in.

If my second born was born first I doubt I would have had any more!
It sounds like it’s a lot to do with confidence rather than you, the babies, parenting styles.

You’ve got this! Your achievements are amazing.

Original poster
Dandelioncl0ck · 15/04/2023 17:28

@BertieBotts the feeding thing is massive. It totally consumed me for the first 11 weeks. I feel daft for all the advice and offers of support/ someone to talk to I gave my friend (this is what I needed the most personally) when she and her baby just got the hang of it instantly and find it easy!

Her partner does have a much better paternity package than mine which will also help but also feel he is quite attached to his child free life which is why they're out so much so maybe we've just got different priorities 🤷‍♀️

And yes can def see that people are better suited to different phases. Hopefully I find some of the ones to come easier!

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Dandelioncl0ck · 15/04/2023 17:32

@YukoandHiro ❤thankyou, I do feel a bit scarred by it all still to be honest, feeling frightened for my baby on top of learning to care for her etc. My friend did also make a comment on how they'd "learned from my bad experience" of the jaundice which upset me a bit, like it was my fault... anyway my mum keeps reminding me that we've had a tough start and it's amazing we've come so far and she's right, just have to keep looking forward and not dwelling on the first few weeks...

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Dandelioncl0ck · 15/04/2023 17:35

@Arewehumanorarewecupboards thank you that's so kind 😊 your right it is probably a confidence thing and maybe I'm a bit surprised in myself as I thought I'd be more confident but I think my confidence was knocked a bit by a challenging pregnancy and tough start.

But yes hear this a lot about it being more of an issue with first babies as the second one just has to fit around your life rather than totally reshaping it

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Vallmo47 · 15/04/2023 17:38

Sounds like you’re doing great Op. Some people are very proud and don’t want to ever show/admit that they find certain aspects difficult. Maybe they’ve also been blessed with a very easy going baby. We were with our first and I didn’t understand to appreciate it. Then we decided to have a second …. Who was extremely high needs and screamed round the clock. I felt judged constantly, a random stranger came up to me when baby was 2 years old and said she applauded me for coping with a child she’d literally never seen smile. I didn’t know what to say so just walked off. The amounts of people who’d come up to me to smile and say “she’s got lungs!” or try to assist me. It wasn’t a great time, but we got through and she’s laid back now (when others are starting to show teenage hormones!) Kids are different and so are adults - they will come across their struggles if they haven’t already, for sure. It’s easy to come across as smug when you’re just lucky. ;)

ecossegirl91 · 15/04/2023 17:59

@Dandelioncl0ck
@Vallmo47 makes such good points!
after the four month mark of feeling cooped up we actually bit the bullet and went abroad. Talk about a confidence boost. Once you’ve been on a plane with a high needs baby you can literally do anything 😂😂 and honestly the kindness of strangers got me through - people have a lot more tolerance for crying babies than I gave them credit. And that really helped my mindset.

also one of my friends had a very easy baby and then it went crazy at six months. Each stage brings different challenges!