How do people cope with work, household chores and young child

[Cantcope1234566789]

I have a beautiful DS nearly 18 months old now. He is super active and joy of my life. I have gone back to work 3 months ago. Its only me and DH who looked after son from day 1. I work 8-6 3 days a week and DS goes to nursery. Rest of the 4 days I look after him. He is very active and wants to explore everything. It keeps me on my edge all the time while he is awake, I can't go to toilet or take a shower while he is awake. I have got no family around and DH works full time. He helps with sleep time. I feel utterly exhausted physically and emotionally. I am trying to build a business on the side as well, which I work on at night until 12 am. I come from a culture where most mothers are SAHM and they still take lots of help from their moms and mils. My mom passed away and my mil is a nightmare, she is a domestic abuser and getting any help from her is out of question. Most of my friends from back home had their moms or mil looking after their children until almost adulthood. I do all the household chores.
I feel like I am really struggling and this makes me shout towards my son. I feel like I am not doing anything right. Just feeling upset and exhausted most times. Please pour in any suggestions. Thanks

Can you afford to stay at home for the first few years?

Can't afford to not work unfortunately.

The house work needs shared out. Doesn't matter if DH is full time, there is lots of us who are and still need to do things.

Is he still napping? Can you shower etc then?
If not, I used to shower on a nighttime once he was in bed.

How can't you go to the toilet? As long as the room he is in is safe he'll be fine for afew minutes.

Do you manage to get our daily when your off with him?
I found this helped my mental help massively!

Could you afford another day on nursery? Then you could have a day to yourself every week.

You can go to the toilet though. Just pop him in a safe place (crib, playpen, even a pram) and go, and if he cries, tough. Same for other basic necessities like washing, eating, etc.

out daily

Does your DH work 7 days a week?

What is he doing to contribute?

Your DH needs to help more than just ‘at sleep time’.

And if I were you I’d shelve the idea of trying to start a business for at least 2 years.

Your DH needs to step up.

Playpen?

You can definitely go to the toilet when he’s awake. I mean that’s just ludicrous not to feel able to do that. Even if you take him with you.

Mine is a very active boy at the same age, like a working springer spaniel I absolutely have to get him outside for a run every day, whatever the weather. I do a lot when he’s in bed, and I work silly condensed hours to have time at home with him.

Essential tasks are hoovering, dishes, taking the rubbish out, making meals, keeping clutter to a minimum if I can, keeping the bathroom and kitchen clean, laundry. The rest are not priorities and I have learnt to accept that.

I put make up on and get dressed in the same room as my son if I don’t get a minute before he wakes up.

An episode or two of Baby Bum isn’t going to kill anyone if I need to do something/sit down and drink coffee.

Just a few suggestions
If your shower is over a bathtub, pop him in the bath with some toys while you shower.
If he likes being helpful, get him to help with chores like sorting washing/filling the machine.
You can go to the toilet with him about, like others have said, pop him in a safe space and go.
Get dh more involved with household chores, you're a team, so share the load.
I'd maybe rethink the business for a couple years, just until he's a bit more self entertaining or at school.

Hi OP, I'm in exactly the same situation, I work 3 days, partner full time, my mum has also passed away and MIL can't look after DD. It's hard work and I spent some days in tears. Be kind to yourself, let some of the housework go, tidy up as you go along, but dust and hoover when you can, remember some things can wait. Cook when you can, but if your too tired takeaway or something easy that will go in the oven. Spend time outside, being out and about is always easier then being indoors, less mess is made then too. DD is now 2 years 8 months and things have gotten easier. She is still like a shadow and follows me around most of the time but I can leave her to watch TV, colour, play with toys independently now for a while l so I can get on with things. Don't get me wrong though I would still love a break . Hold on in there, it does get easier as they get older.

We had similar - I worked 3 days a week and DH full time. Also no family nearby to help out.

What worked

DH needs to step up - doing his fair share of cooking, cleaning, shopping, parenting etc. not just 'helping out at bedtime'
Got a cleaner
Online food shopping/ delivery
Taking a days leave or putting child in nursery an extra day sometimes so I could have a day off
DH taking child out or away to stay with friends/ family for a whole day or overnight so I got a break.

This

On the days he has off your DH needs to step up and do childcare. Other than that only do bare minimum housework, on their deathbed no-one wishes they had done more housework!
Share household chores eg if you do the washing then he does the ironing etc. Working full time doesn't mean he gets to check out of doing childcare/household chores on his days off.

Of course you can go to the toilet whilst you're home alone with him. It's utterly ridiculous to limit liquid / hold yourself for that length of time unless you're trying to get yourself hospitalised. You either leave him in a safe space downstairs, put him in his room or take him with you.

Tell DH he needs to step up. I understand there's probably a cultural block for him, but if he isn't going to insist you stay at home like you would have back home then he doesn't get to be hands off like he would have back home. Fairs fair.
Currently having similar lighter convo with my friend who's experiencing her new pregnancy here in England away from extended family vs in India with all her family support. It's hard for, a huge adjustment and her partner is just having to do MORE than he did with the first child.

You work 8-6 so what time is DH in work and baby in nursery? Can he do drop off and pick up those days and get dinner on?

Toddler proof your house so you can leave him there safely and get on with stuff like peeing and chores

Thank you so much for all suggestions above 💖
He starts panicking and crying if we leave him alone for even 2 mins, I take him to toilet with me as that's the only way its possible. He naps once a day for an hour, which I use to cook lunch. He has been sick ever other week since starting nursery, which has definitely added to my anxiety and has been tough for us. DH helps but he wants to relax and watch TV etc over weekends. I try to take my son out every day.

With regards to shelving business, I have gone too far to shelve it now and worked too hard for it. I started it as I want to be self employed to get more flexibility with work. I know things will get better when he is bit older in couple of years but it's just the day to day tiredness dragging me down.

By having a partner who takes on more. You have to work so split everything he needs to take on more

He may want to relax and watch tv but life means that he has responsibilities to you and his son.
you need to divide up chores/childcare and freetime

You tag team at weekends with your DH. One of you does childcare and one of you catches up on chores. And you lower your standards. You’ve still got to get through the nap drop which suddenly leaves you no chunks of time
toddler free during the day - as a PP said you just have to prioritise basic cleanliness and hygiene on these days and both of you catch up after work.

DH helps but he wants to relax and watch TV etc over weekends

This is your issue. You can’t do it all.

Wouldn't we all like to watch TV and relax at the weekend? Unfortunately being a parent means you get far less of that.

Separation anxiety is at a peak at this age. It is temporary. He will learn quickly that when you leave the room briefly you will always come back.

I try to eat meals with my toddler but it’s also totally fine to pop in the high chair in the kitchen with a snack so I can do what I need to do in there without him destroying the contents of my cupboards or trying to climb into the washing machine.

I was in your exact situation a year ago OP- same type of child, same hours, same husband issue. What helped was forking out for a 4th day at nursery. I can catch up on things that day. And making DH step up on home front at weekends.

We couldn't afford the extra day at nursery but booked it anyway as my mental health was more valuable.

He naps once a day for an hour, which I use to cook lunch

Also cut this right down. Sandwiches, soup, pasta, egg on toast, leftovers etc are your friend. An 18 month old doesn’t need an hours worth of cooking for lunch, unless you are also cooking lots of portions for the rest of the week in this time.

as a single parent without family and support nearby I know how tough it is. I'm not sure other than do anything you can to make life easier: use a tumble dryer, declutter so you have less stuff around, buy any gadgets that help e.g. cordless vacuum etc. And a few nights a week go to bed when your child does. This will give you the energy to get through the day. Easier said than done especially as we all want our child free evenings but it really helps.

And maybe take the pressure off yourself a bit. You're not a superwoman. Work on your business but maybe set a half an hour limit per day.