How do people cope with work, household chores and young child

[Cantcope1234566789]

I have a beautiful DS nearly 18 months old now. He is super active and joy of my life. I have gone back to work 3 months ago. Its only me and DH who looked after son from day 1. I work 8-6 3 days a week and DS goes to nursery. Rest of the 4 days I look after him. He is very active and wants to explore everything. It keeps me on my edge all the time while he is awake, I can't go to toilet or take a shower while he is awake. I have got no family around and DH works full time. He helps with sleep time. I feel utterly exhausted physically and emotionally. I am trying to build a business on the side as well, which I work on at night until 12 am. I come from a culture where most mothers are SAHM and they still take lots of help from their moms and mils. My mom passed away and my mil is a nightmare, she is a domestic abuser and getting any help from her is out of question. Most of my friends from back home had their moms or mil looking after their children until almost adulthood. I do all the household chores.
I feel like I am really struggling and this makes me shout towards my son. I feel like I am not doing anything right. Just feeling upset and exhausted most times. Please pour in any suggestions. Thanks

Firstly, your husband isn't 'helping', he's parenting his child. Tough shit if he wants to relax on the weekend. Don't we all? He helped make the child, he gets to step up on weekends and do his part.

Your child won't die if you leave him for 3 minutes to go to the toilet. He'll maybe cry, and scream, but he'll survive.

Finally, why are you cooking lunch? Sandwiches, eggs, fruit, crackers, cheese. You don't need to make such an effort whilst your son is still so young and dependent. Make your life easier for yourself.

I think many posters have already covered the DH element of this issue. Something needs to change there in terms of workload at home.

DH and I both worked full time with DS1, I’ll be going to three days when I’m back from maternity alongside studying part time. In terms of what worked for us last time:

. Robot hoover

. Get DC involved in cooking as early as possible, even if it’s just sitting in their high chair with a little pot of cold water and a handful of pasta, or better yet get them baking snacks with you for lunch. I used to make banana bread with DS at that age, it doubled as a sensory activity with him squishing banana and feeling other ingredients. We’d do it on a Sunday to have snacks for the week.

. Try to tie in things you have to do with the DC, so if you’re cleaning the living room toss them a cloth and a spray bottle with a tiny bit of water in it (or a baby wipe!)

. The slow cooker was the best thing ever to streamline cooking. Bolognaise, sweet and sour chicken, Thai curry, macaroni cheese all work well for us. The taming twins website has some fantastic and really simple family recipes.

. Tesco shop delivered every week, two week meal plan rotation so you can add straight away from your last order.

. TOMM - we both have the app and tick off jobs we’ve done. It keeps the house hygienic though not immaculate. There’s a Friday focus with a specific room we’d declutter which is good, less stuff means less to tidy away. We probably do an hour between us a day of cleaning. It’s give and take, I may be up earlier one day and do most of it, or I may take DC swimming and DH will do some jobs.

. DH does washing. For DC we have an outfit on a hanger for every day of the week with socks pegged to the hanger so you just grab and go. No faffing looking for bits.

. Plan ahead. I use the structured app, it does make life easier. I sit on a Sunday evening and plan out the week. DH and I try to allocate specific time for us as individuals and a couple.

. Getting out a few times a week, park, soft play, I used to pop DS in the carrier for a big walk, meeting a friend.

. Pre written birthday cards done the first month of the year to post when needed.

That’s all I can think of! I agree with not cooking lunch. Just try to make life as easy as possible. An hour of TV won’t hurt anyone if it helps get bits done.

This is super helpful. I am going to implement some of these in my life :)

Great:what about your husband?

@Cantcope1234566789

I’m glad you’ve found it a bit helpful. I don’t know if you want to post an idea of what your routine is at the moment? We may be able to help you streamline a bit.

I think regardless of DH or lack of family support the transition going back to work is really bloody hard emotionally - I’ve cried on a fair few occasions over the state of the house!

I meant to add, you mention being tired. I realise this may be a non issue, but with working, building a business, all the housework and childcare, are you looking after yourself properly? The bare basics like eating and drinking enough, it’s too easy to skip meals and live off cups of tea when they’re that small.

Is it necessary to prepare a hot meal every day when he naps? Could you lower your standards a bit here and instead have half an hour sit down with a cup of tea and then the second half hour a blitz of chores?

And what is your husband going to change/do so that he pulls his weight too?

Hi OP, your post resonated with me definitely. I have two little ones, my eldest is nearly 5 (but not yet at school), and youngest is 18m like yours. I also work 3 days a week. Things are v chaotic and I don't think I would cope with any more kids...!

Some pointers:

• I can't remember exactly but I THINK I used to just take DD with me when I went the loo at that age. We have a very small bathroom, I could see her, I'd close the door and she couldn't open it. DS however still isn't walking and yet is much more adventurous and less risk averse, so I don't feel safe to do that. Until a couple of weeks ago we had the travel cot up permanently in the living room and I'd plonk him in there for the loo. We took it down now and so I will either take him and put him in his cotbed in his room, or leave him in the dining room with DD with the door closed (he can't open it but she can).
• Shower - I think with DD I used to shower before she woke up on a morning, or I'd do it in the evenings/weekends when DH was home to watch her or after she was in bed. With DS I do the same basically these days too.
• Housework - no real answer to that cos house is not in a good state, I rarely invite anyone round as find it embarrassing. So can't keep on top of that and we can't afford a cleaner comfortably either unfortunately. We do what we can (and have the energy for) on evenings once kids in bed and on weekends, DH and I do roughly equal amounts of the domestic labour I'd say.
• DH has recently gone down from FT to only 4 days a week which has helped ease things ever so slightly in terms of juggling healthcare appointments, and cooking dinner on that day, and doing laundry, and so on. But does mean house is even worse cos kids at home even more now (they were previously in nursery that day).

sadly this is a part of life, and wed all love to relax and watch tv on a weekend.
your OH needs to STEP UP or you should seriously consider leaving him

Get a playpen. He'll be fine for 5 mins. He will soon realise that you're coming back.

I suspect, and I say this kindly, that you're projecting onto your child about not wanting to leave him. You're not running away, you need 10 mins to yourself.

I already had a chat with DH, he is trying to pick more household chores now. He is a contractor so no annual leaves etc and he doesn't want to take any leaves. This leads me picking up most of childcare and household chores as I am in a perm job with condensed hours.
We need to be more organised now, that's one key point missing and DH needs to step up more.

Regarding playpen - some toddlers don't like it! But if it's it's not of a novelty it helps... have some toys that are ONLY for when you really need them distracted a.g. you want 5 minutes in the loo!

Cooking - seconding not doing a bit lunch. Soup/sandwhiches/carrot sticks with cheese and crackers. When its warm enough, have a picnic - very little clean up! If you are cooking, try to do more than one meal at a time. So do tonight's dinner and tomorrow's to stick in the fridge to be warmed up. One of my favourites is to stick on a massive saucepan of mince - lasagne for tonight, second one to stick in the freezer for next week, andthen tomorrow I just need 10 mins to book pasta for spag bol. Think if there are any of yourcommon recipes that can work similarly.

Housework.... can be a bit crap. Nobody died from a no of dust. Pre-kid me would be horrified by my clean laundry waiting to be put away. But with H/W for my eldest, a pair of toddlers and number 4 on the way... I've learned to put up with it! My DH is pretty bad at doing his fair share UNLESS there's a dealine e.g. his dad is coming for a visit. So basically between guests we aren't all that tidy, but I haven't obseverved any damage to my kids from that! Prioritise the things that need to be done for basic hygiene and try not to sweat about a bit of clutter.

It will get easier. I have a friend who is astonished how eaisily my 3 cooperate with Doing half an hour of independent drawing after breakfast each day while I tidy up. These things are habits that you build up. Toddlers need a lot of support and guidance to learn to enjoy a good scribble on their own, but it's worth it when they're 2/3 and become able to self entertain without you worrying that they will draw on the table. Likewise, encouraging encouraging love of books makes life a lot easier once they are a bit older. My younger ones love the "busy" books. You can pick them up in saunsburies etc, there are tonnes of them. At 18 months your DC will need help to manipulate without damaging, but again, it's a good investment.

So basically, aim to survive for the next 6 months or so, but with an eye on having a 2 year old that has the skills to self-entertain in a productive way.

TV can be a useful tool in moderation. I'm not an advocate of screen time generally, but if you choose something educational and put it on for 15-30 mins max then you'd be amazed what they pick up. For your DCs age, I'd recommend Bee Bright, or Yakka Dee or Colour blocks, moving onto alphablocks and number blocks when they are 2 or so. It buys you a breather and in moderation is educational.

Best of luck.

Thank you, I will have a look at the resources you mentioned x

Thank you so much for your kindness ❤️ I feel I have ignored myself completely since DS was born. Something I saw my mum doing, quite lost in DCs she was. I am trying hard to not repeat that same pattern and get 5 mins for myself without feeling guilty xx

I use special toys that only come out when I need to do something and toddler can't join in ie breastfeeding my baby.

I will look at the structure app myself!

I thought you’d say that. I get it, it’s so hard to lose that sense of identity after having a baby. You deserve, and need, to put your needs above everyone else’s sometimes.

What about starting small? Sitting with DC and having breakfast with them, rather than thinking you need to clear up the breakfast things and forgetting to eat yourself. Putting a podcast on while you fold the washing. Then think about the bigger things you’d like to do. If they’re playing quietly, there’s nothing wrong with reading a book for ten minutes supervising from the sofa, learning to play independently is a positive thing. Nothing wrong with doing Pilates or yoga on YouTube with them toddling about, if that’s impossible Cosmic Yoga was always a hit with DS and getting him to join in was good for both of us.

Then once DH is on board, time to consider what you want to do properly on your own outside of the house.

@Flittingaboutagain

I enjoy Structured far more than I should and really recommend it! I don’t pay for the full version as it seems a bit pointless. But if sort of doubles as a to do list and planner for the day 😁 we each have our own colour, then a colour for the house stuff, time for DH and me or a whole family activity.

I like ticking things off or just being able to move them if I’ve not been able to do it for whatever reason.

Nonverbalmum

I'm definitely up for developing a colour coded family system. I can't work out which app it is, can you describe the icon please?

@Flittingaboutagain

It’s this one 😊

https://structured.app/

We got a cleaner a day a week. Get a man in to do the garden etc. Basically outsourcing work!