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Parenting

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Original poster

My only ds has just spent another school holiday with no one to play with

50 replies

worzil · 14/02/2008 22:05

The problem is me I am really shy and I have no mom friends.

I have an only ds who is 7 and its always been like this just me and my ds.
I feel so useless for my sons sake.

Although my ds seems fairly happy at home I would love to have some mom friends giving my ds the opportunity to have some mates to play with, and someone for me to chat with.
My ds is quite sociable at school and has had a few playdates after school but this is the only contact he has with his own age.

I am useless at making friends and always have been I hate how I am.
I just seem to lack the confidence to make friends and worry that the way I am will rub off on my ds.

Does anybody else feel like me.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Dropdeadfred · 14/02/2008 22:09

Sorry you're feeling bad about this...I'm sure your ds is okay and enjoys being with you.

Why not just take him swimming/soft play area/football in the park and he's bound to find other children to play ith even if it's temporarily.

I feel sorrier for you feeling sad than for your ds who has school for a social life.
Is there anything you could do to try and meet other mums?

DoodleToYou · 14/02/2008 22:11

Message withdrawn

PotPourri · 14/02/2008 22:14

Have you looked at any of the mumsnet meet up threads? Or netmums, which is a local contact thing too. That is one way to meet others.

The answer to the shyness I have discovered myself is just to grit your teeth and do it - no matter how frightened you are. Yes, it is really awkward, but in the end if you find a couple of contacts who you stay in touch with, it was all worth it. And if you don't it's practice for the next time you try.

Having said that, bet your little one loves spending time with you after being seperated from you while at school. So don't stress too much about that bit...

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Original poster

worzil · 14/02/2008 22:26

Dropdeadfred

My ds does seem okay at home but I also know how happy he would be if he had some mates to play with outside of school.

I know it will sound really stupid for me to say this but I feel really awkward going anywhere on my own soft play especially.

My ds always has to rely on getting a nice sociable child that wants to play with him and it doesn't always happen that easily for him.

I am not sure what I could be doing to meet other moms as I have gone past all of the play/toddler group stuff.

I know the problem lies with me I lack confidence to even strike up a conversation with anyone. I have not got a clue on what to say to people.
I don't really have any friends at all.
The only people I have is my immediate family.
My two sisters children have all grown up so no cousins for my ds to play with either.

I feel so different to everyone else. Everywhere I go with my ds everyone else seems to be another mom and their children and there is me and my ds on our own.

I feel quite depressed about it.

OP posts:

Bellavita · 14/02/2008 22:33

Worzil - whereabouts are you?

Alambil · 14/02/2008 22:34

I AM YOU!!! Except my DS is 5... he has gone the whole half term without playing with any of his "mates".

He saw some of them in the local park; he tried to play with them and they completely IGNORED him!! I was enraged! If DS had treated another child like that; especially one I know he knows, he would have been in trouble!

I have had kids from his class for playdates but they are never returned (and that pisses me off too - I'm not just a free alternative to the after-school-care club!!) but anyway...

I know how you feel and it sucks

pinkteddy · 14/02/2008 22:39

worzil don't feel bad about going to park or soft play on your own - there are always loads of mums who are there alone. I often go on my own! Take a newspaper/magazine whatever but you will nearly always find someone else to chat to. A good tip is to go to the park/soft play at same times or days you get to see the same people and can maybe strike up a conversation. What about getting to school early to pick up ds and chat to other mums? Or get ds into some sort of after school activity - chat to mums there?

thornrose · 14/02/2008 22:43

Ooh ooh I'm both of you!
My dd is 8 and we spend so much time, just the two of us, it's not funny! My (very few!) friends either don't have children or have older children and my sister has no children.
My daughter has Aspergers which is an added nightmare because I have to watch her like a hawk in playgrounds and parks as she has real problems interacting with her peers, aagghh!
I feel like advertising somewhere for other lonely mums to be mates with!!

Original poster

worzil · 14/02/2008 22:43

Bellavita

I am in Walsall in the West Midlands.

Lewisfan
I would be very upset if that happend to my ds also.
My ds is very much into playdates at the moment and wants me to go up to moms in the playground that I hardly if ever talk to and ask if their dc would like to come for tea after school,

As you can imagine this is really difficult for someone like me.

I find the whole thing disheartening as my ds is rarely asked anywhere.

OP posts:

Heated · 14/02/2008 22:51

Is there a regular/weekly after school club he could go to that would allow you to sit with the other mums? I find playdates/playground encounters totally awkward, never get beyond the inane chitchat.

It's also been suggested to me from another mum to sign ds up for the Easter and Summer holiday play schemes (there's drama ones, sports, kidsplay so caters for a lot of interests) which the local council offer - details from library.

Bellavita · 14/02/2008 22:52

That's a shame - I am in Yorkshire.

When your ds asks for someone to come for tea after school - I would say to him well go speak to your friend and ask if he/she wants to come to tea and ask mom to come and speak to me to arrange a suitable date. That way, you don't have to make the first move.

snice · 14/02/2008 22:55

Have you thought about getting him into beavers/cubs?

Original poster

worzil · 14/02/2008 22:56

Pinkteddy I don,t want to dispute what you say but I rarely see anyone on their own.

Again the problem lies with me. In my head I think yes it should be quite easy to start up a conversation with someone but when it comes to actually doing it I am a nervous wreck and I back out.

My son joined beavers recently and after 2 months I had still not managed to engage in conversation with anyone.
Everyone seemed to already know each other in beavers and outside of beavers also.

OP posts:

discoverlife · 14/02/2008 22:56

Have you tried clubs etc. cub scouts, the local drama club, swimming club or even a library club?

snice · 14/02/2008 22:57

Sorry -xposted with you

Rhubarb · 14/02/2008 23:01

I am presuming that your ds goes to school. Does his school do any after-school activities he can get involved in? Can you not invite one of his schoolfriends over for tea one day? If you want to break the vicious cycle then you've got to start now. You can't let your shyness affect your ds and if he has no friends because you are too shy to talk to other mums then that's a problem you have to tackle head on.

We all have to do things we don't want to do for our kids. I remember when I had dd, I didn't know anyone else with kids either. I joined the NCT and the first time I went I felt so out of place. They were all really friendly but I felt I couldn't talk to them, I didn't know about reusable nappies nor did I want to talk about sleepless nights particularly.

But I so wanted dd to grow up a sociable child, so I carried on going. I even volunteered to hold a group in my house, no-one came. I volunteered a second time, no-one came. You'd think at this point I'd give up, and I did. But I went back for more after 6 months because I thought, why should my dd suffer because of me? So I went back to the very same NCT group, and this time I made more of an effort to join in, I helped out at sales and again I volunteered to hold a group in my house, this time it was full. I made 2 very very good friends out of that NCT group.

You have to try, for your son's sake.

Original poster

worzil · 14/02/2008 23:02

Heated I have tried to get my ds into the sort of things you mention but he never wants to go because he says the people there are not his friends.

He say that his classmates at school are his friends.

I worry that my ds is developing my shyness and anxieties.
Or is it just me worrying for nothing.
My sister says that if he had a brother or sister he would probably go to these sort of things.
That made me feel worse as now I am feeling guilty for him being an only.

OP posts:

PotPourri · 14/02/2008 23:02

Just an idea... how about talking to ds before you go to soft play and really positively say - right, we are going to chat to some people today - our mission is to each chat to 2 different people. That way you are both in it together, so a bit less likely to back out for fear of letting the other one down. And you can also be in awe of each other as you both understand how hard it was...? It's a leap of faith, but just might pay off for either or both of you.

Tipex · 14/02/2008 23:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 14/02/2008 23:05

Worzil, from a slightly differnt angle, have you thought about volunteering to go into school to help with reading, assuming you are at home in the daytime, sorry if I've got that wrong.

You might feel a bit more 'connected' to the school, glean little snippets of what is going on/planned for the future.

And spending time with the children, might make you more 'visible' in the playground too ('hello Mrs Worzil' from half a dozen children each morning).

Good luck

PeachesMcLean · 14/02/2008 23:05

Holidays are awkward I know. If you find it awkward approaching parents int he playground, how about getting DS to give the other child a note, ie to put in the bookbag so that the other parent has your number and an invite to come round. I've done that with DS's friends and it's slowly starting to pay off. And can work for weekends as well as holidays. I just put "hi, I was wondering if your DS would like to come round and play with my DS on xxxx weekend / holiday. I know DS would really like that. Do just give me a call if that would suit, I don't think we've had chance to meet up in the playground yet" or words to that effect. Holidays are a really good excuse for this, and I'm finding it works well with other only children - as their parents are often in the same boat as you.

DoodleToYou · 14/02/2008 23:06

Message withdrawn

pinkteddy · 14/02/2008 23:06

I know it is really hard to strike up a conversation - I tend to yammer on incessantly when I am nervous - probably come across as confident but I'm not! As you don't say anything people maybe think you are stand offish rather than shy? Can you just smile, catch someone's eye - they might then make first move? Re: beavers someone new is bound to start sooner or later, can you keep an eye out for any new mums? Sorry if this isn't very helpful just trying to suggest things that have worked for me!

PotPourri · 14/02/2008 23:07

Don't beat yourself up about him being an only child - that's the way it is. I had 4 sisters and was still shy, it's not the be all and end all.

You seem to have a strong relationship with him. Don't downlplay his worries - if he feels shy he feels shy. But you do need to help him overcome it, and that may be hard for you too, but what better example will he have than doing it together with you. And you can both be proud of each other that way!

emily05 · 14/02/2008 23:08

hello, I havent read the whole thread - so sorry if i repeat what other people have said.

I had no mum friends and ds had no friends.
The way I got around this was to arrange playdates with friendly mums! I gaged the children who my ds seemed to like and then I would approach the mum. I would say something like "hi i am 'ds' mum. he really likes 'your ds' and is nagging me for him to come and play. Do you fancy coming over one day? you are more than welcome to stay for a cuppa"

This approach has really worked for me. There is only 1 occasion when the playdate didnt happen. Ds is in yr1 now and I have made some really good mum friends, it is so good to break the ice. try it and see. I have just read what you have said about not being able to start conversations - so think that my advice may not help!

Have you tried combating your shyness? It would be good for you and your ds if you could as he might model your behaviour.
I go to cognative behavioural therapy and this has really helped me - it looks into helping self esteem and negative thinking You can get 6 free sessions on the NHS. It could help your confidence.

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